His scent - for one more season

She does not love to be loved, but just as whim
Being desirous suffices her needs

She looks at men with her kohl-ed eyes
In her Velvety heel and black shimmer dress

she can find gaps in any man, from where she can slip

She says..the wanting look in men in truthful
Not the love they wear on their sleeves

They have all loved her secret strength
Not knowing she had always been in love with a weakness

But strange things happen with her always
The more she gets detached, the more men try to get her attached
The false stability makes her further unstable in her mind

She hates to stare at her mobile for someone's name
Nameless faces make her feel  alive now

She knows the game of seduction finally tilts things
One way or another,

She knows, men will get her addicted to something, and take that away
So the only addiction she trusts now is of alcohol and desire

Some women are meant to be lonely
Men have seized to be what she wanted them to be
A tryst with herself, a lump in her throat

There has always been..
This desperate need to look for someone who is in touch with himself..
So that he can touch her soul some day

For men, her mystery ends in her body, never before and never after
She carries her mystery with herself, never willing to part

She does not believe in greatness in men, mere thought disquiets her
Its the smallness in them that lets her be what she wants to be

She has been hugged many a times, sometimes for the body
Sometimes for the sake of commitment and objectification
But nothing in synch with her, nothing of the hugs she misses

All this rigmarole, cos she tried finding his scent elsewhere, but could not
She would never know what a life with him would have been, or if any of it was worth it

The scent of belonging, the scent of her womanhood
She has not blushed in eons

One of those things

In my last post I talked about lots of things being on my mind...
One of it was me getting on stage with kathak, after 15 years

As you grow, you lose so much of yourself, which can only be revived by doing what you love doing

And in times like these, when you are trying to regain yourself, you realise how much of you has been lost

You find yourself little mellow, in everything you do...or everything that was so you

And kathak was such a thing for me

And I felt I could not be what I used to be (even though the bit I wad doing was no where close to what I used to perform earlier, in terms of complexity), and that made me little shaky..
I could not do that stuff by letting my vigor be chipped away

And for that reason I created multiple reasons in my mind, and told my sister that I wont take part

Cos she was the one who had organised this whole show, to showcase her institute and her students along with a kathak dance teacher caller Murari(who incidentally knew my guru too) and his students

This sister is the one I wrote about here :
http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2011/08/she-is-doing-her-bit.html

and here:
http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2010/09/presenting-malvika.html

I said "I dont like the girl I am dancing with, she doesnt give me right vibes"
then "I am not his student so I guess he is not interested in involving me in this programme" (I was like a guest dancer and not his regular student. But I was the one who initiated this and asked her to ask him to include me in his compositions)
and another "I wanted to do this cos I hoped a more enjoyable experience and an environment of dance and music, but thats not happening here, since they practice separately and I am just like an add-on"

But for some reason she was so adamant on me performing. She said if I dont like the girl, she would ask him to let me do this solo, etc etc. And finally I gave it a shot.
More to try myself than for anything else.

And gradually the enthusisam started creeping in.
When we had the final stage practice, I felt so different.

I was that girl who used to be so sure of herself on stage, I always knew all eyes are glued on me when I dance.
I would look at people in their eyes while dancing and would see them looking at me and that gave me a high
But this time I had no clue, I just wanted to get thru it.

But after that stage rehearsal, when I went down, all the women there(sister's students) gave me a boost which I have been lacking.
Some said "You are far more elegant than the other woman"
Some "I could not take my eyes off you"
And I got my reward in small ways, dance must be in my veins

Here we go again...after 15 years