I wish siblings knew each other and loved each other till the time they could, with all their hearts..and then lost touch once they moved on, in different directions
Cos sometimes the mapping of wonderful childhood and crooked present makes things all the more ugly
So, that they can be remembered by the sunny winters spent with tea-sipping and gossiping, the dance rehearsals and heart talks
And not the indifference which creeps in with time, not the distance which commences like a poignant wound
I run behind to capture the lost warmth, but each of our meeting slips it away..further..till I can no longer see it
And assume that it never was the way I imagined it to be
There was a time when everything which happened to me had to be linked with my sisters/cousins. The hidden meanings of things which only we could decipher, in our own strange ways..every single time the only thought in my mind would be "I have to go back and tell this to my sisters".
From a meaning-less glance from a cute boy, to meaning-ful feelings of our nascent hearts...from shredding apart meaning of every line of a song to .. counting the number of days we stayed without each other..
When in drunken stupor, I had this strong urge to call one of them..and just talk any crap.
With time those desires have died down. How I wish I could revive it, but it has reached a no man's land.
Now even something very important to me also goes unnoticed, un-talked about. The sheen and richness gone. When did this happen?
As a teenager I used to look at some of our adults and wonder how they could bitch about their own siblings to their spouses, and haughtily think that we will never grow apart..not an ounce from how we were.
We all live plain lives, most of us, al least I do. And what keeps us going are those bouts of exhilarating experiences we have had in our lives. Those rainbows in our lives, are the ones we want to recur in succession. With someone close, some city , some drink, some song.
And if I look back I guess my times with siblings & cousins have been the best..that is when they were...not anymore.
Now I dread my times with them, cos they will further make me believe that whats lost can never be revived.
They say change is inevitable, outgrowing one relation and growing into another is the way it is. But I refuse to agree with this decorum of life. If one can not sustain what was beautiful, then every thing beautiful in the present will lose its meaning to us gradually. If we can't love the ones the way we loved them earlier, but make new friends and progress with our life as if nothing has changed, then am sorry I dont belong to that category of people. For me friends could never replace family, my people, my childhood, my roots. If we drive ourselves away from them, we are rejecting our very roots. I am proud of what I was with you all, and my pride in anything new in life will always be based on what I had.
Or maybe we are just one dysfunctional family, which disintegrated with time..for no concrete reason? or is it just me feeling this way these days?
This post isn't meant to lash out at any of you sisters/brothers, specially you two who read this blog but never comment.
But just a rhetoric in my mind, and trying to understand..the inevitable!
But I still remember that patch of sun on our bed, where we often huddled around on late winter mornings, lazily flitting through one topic to another, in our innocence, in our love for life, in our glory. And we shifted our positions during all this, to capture that piece of sun, which shifted its position as the day went by
That piece of sun is what I will always remember and try to bring it back in my life, in different ways..
A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self. - Marian Sandmaier
Cos sometimes the mapping of wonderful childhood and crooked present makes things all the more ugly
So, that they can be remembered by the sunny winters spent with tea-sipping and gossiping, the dance rehearsals and heart talks
And not the indifference which creeps in with time, not the distance which commences like a poignant wound
I run behind to capture the lost warmth, but each of our meeting slips it away..further..till I can no longer see it
And assume that it never was the way I imagined it to be
There was a time when everything which happened to me had to be linked with my sisters/cousins. The hidden meanings of things which only we could decipher, in our own strange ways..every single time the only thought in my mind would be "I have to go back and tell this to my sisters".
From a meaning-less glance from a cute boy, to meaning-ful feelings of our nascent hearts...from shredding apart meaning of every line of a song to .. counting the number of days we stayed without each other..
We built our childhood and adolescence in different hues
When in drunken stupor, I had this strong urge to call one of them..and just talk any crap.
With time those desires have died down. How I wish I could revive it, but it has reached a no man's land.
Now even something very important to me also goes unnoticed, un-talked about. The sheen and richness gone. When did this happen?
As a teenager I used to look at some of our adults and wonder how they could bitch about their own siblings to their spouses, and haughtily think that we will never grow apart..not an ounce from how we were.
We all live plain lives, most of us, al least I do. And what keeps us going are those bouts of exhilarating experiences we have had in our lives. Those rainbows in our lives, are the ones we want to recur in succession. With someone close, some city , some drink, some song.
And if I look back I guess my times with siblings & cousins have been the best..that is when they were...not anymore.
Now I dread my times with them, cos they will further make me believe that whats lost can never be revived.
They say change is inevitable, outgrowing one relation and growing into another is the way it is. But I refuse to agree with this decorum of life. If one can not sustain what was beautiful, then every thing beautiful in the present will lose its meaning to us gradually. If we can't love the ones the way we loved them earlier, but make new friends and progress with our life as if nothing has changed, then am sorry I dont belong to that category of people. For me friends could never replace family, my people, my childhood, my roots. If we drive ourselves away from them, we are rejecting our very roots. I am proud of what I was with you all, and my pride in anything new in life will always be based on what I had.
Or maybe we are just one dysfunctional family, which disintegrated with time..for no concrete reason? or is it just me feeling this way these days?
This post isn't meant to lash out at any of you sisters/brothers, specially you two who read this blog but never comment.
But just a rhetoric in my mind, and trying to understand..the inevitable!
But I still remember that patch of sun on our bed, where we often huddled around on late winter mornings, lazily flitting through one topic to another, in our innocence, in our love for life, in our glory. And we shifted our positions during all this, to capture that piece of sun, which shifted its position as the day went by
That piece of sun is what I will always remember and try to bring it back in my life, in different ways..
A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self. - Marian Sandmaier
