Let this be a symphony of un-ending sonatas

Its no secret that blogging and reading blogs have become an integral part of my life.
I follow a lot of blogs but there are some I don't, though I read them from time to time.
Thats cos I dont want their boring updates to pop up in my update section often.(Am not trying to say mine are always interesting, but some of those blog updates are just not my kind of posts, to say. Maybe tad juvenile or maybe I am tad old)

But then I have mugged up some of their URLs(Yes I have a good memory and there are some 10 bloggers whose URLs I remember). I visit them when none of my favorite bloggers write anything.
Another reason why I dont follow some blogs is for the surprise factor, I like to go to these blogs after sometime to see what has brewed all this while :)

There is one such blog of a girl which I visit at times. The other day I saw her blog's name in some other blogger's blog-roll and just clicked on it.
After reading a few of her posts I had a feeling that this person isnt giving me the same vibes, in her writing, which I had associated with her in my mind. She sounded very different from the last time I read her.
I instantly looked up to check the URL and it was a different one. So basically names of the 2 blogs were the same but they were blogs from 2 different persons. I heaved a sigh of relief to know that my judgment was not wrong

I also felt smug about it, and at the same time it was a funny thing to realize how we associate to a person, by just reading his/her blog. We form impressions, and each of their posts reaffirm our opinion about that person.
Strange world is this blog world!!
So real yet so out of reach

All this by just reading a person in bits and fragments, as with this girl whose blog I dont even follow but read once in a while.

And I have attached a bit of my sentiments too with all these bloggers I read. All based on what I read

To some I have grown fond of.
For some I feel disheartened, for what they have gone thru and many a times wish that they see hope and love in this life
Some I want to shake out of their misery, want them to end the darkness, want them to live life.But maybe thats how they would like themselves to be, always yearning.. always waiting....Yet its their darkness which pulls me to them, like a feeling of vertigo
Some sound so intelligent that I feel if we could meet and sit across a table with a glass of wine, we will have much to talk and relish about

With some there is a tinge of attraction, an attraction which has a more soild base than what you feel for someone you meet. Cos you are what you really are, right here in your words. In person you could be anything, more suave, less passionate, better or worse looking, but thats the danger of being in person with anyone. Our walls come in between,expressions tamed, demeanor defensive.
But here in your words I see what you really are. Your thought process(which might take me ages to know otherwise in human form), your likes and dislikes...
This is you, away from another you
Here is where you are eager to be yourself, happy to be so
So knowing someone like this has a different high

When I see comments of bloggers, who visit and comment on my blog, on another blogger's post(where I comment)..I dont know why but it fills me with strange warmth, like a mesh of people attached to each other..I like to see that(Barring some)

Its a good world, this blog-world!

But nevertheless, somehow I have this lurking feeling that I would not want to meet any of them, lest it breaks their images in my mind
Images are that fragile a thing, they break for inconsequential things
Though I have some bloggers as friends on FB and after having a peek in their lives, I would say that their personality in blogs is reaffirmed by having that small window of FB in their lives, so no disillusionment there..

Though I dont do year end posts like I said last year, since I dont want to watermark years in my life, yet to mark this day I would like to thank each of you who read me, follow me, comment, read and not comment, follow but are too shy to do it publicly, smile or shed a tear at my posts
This sure is the highpoint of my day, reading and writing on my blog, and each of you whom I have come across here, have made this world very special for me

So let me begin or end another year with this video clip of my sister. Her husband has created this, an amalgam of various shows that she has done.(Many of the clips are taken when she was pregnant, so she might look fat, which in reality she is not. Needed to mention this else she might pounce on me when she sees this here :)).




Loved the last bit in the video where she is singing a composition by Ustad Bade Ghulam Ali khan Sahab(its her own adaptation in terms of tune)
लट उलझी सुलझा जा बालम , हाथ में मेरे मेहंदी लगी है
Beloved, de-tangle my entangled hair , my hands are covered with henna
(I hate this translation of mine, sounds like a shampoo ad. If someone has a better idea,please do tell)

You can also see that tall cute guy playing guitar in the background, who is no more and about whom I had written here

Coming to wishes we are supposed to make for the next 365 days, this sister of mine wants to be a playback singer, someone big. Not being up there might dishearten her, but what she has achieved till now, the acknowledgments and praises she gets, she can not undermine that.

So, all you people busy in making resolutions, I will tell you mine:

Dreaming big is a good thing, but dont expect all your dreams to be fulfilled in one go
Why dont you try modularizing your dreams, i.e. divide the big one into smaller chunks?
And see the happiness which you get when a small chunk of your dream sees the light of the day.
Thats how I do it!

So bring on all catastrophes, all drama..we know how to handle them

Note to myself : This year visit 2 new places and one has to be Pondicherry - my wish for the last 8.5 years in Bangalore. If no one comes along, I go alone

Jodi tor daak shune keyu naa aashe tobey ekla cholo re(If no one comes along when you call out, walk alone)

And a very happy birthday to my brother, December is a month of birthdays in my house. I know he never reads my blog, yet I would like to accumulate wishes for him

You make my days so sweet

When we clap at anything you do, your eyes light up with pride
And every time that happens, I make a tiny wish in my fervent heart that this light never dies..

You are the weekend fun for we 3 women(2 maa-si and one ma), when you are there you occupy us completely

I dont know what the future holds for me or for you
But right now my life is livable cos of you

My doe-eyed Shrehanu..happy happy 2nd birhtday(23rd Dec)

A girl who reads is the girl to date

My sister ( who writes here) posted this link on my FB wall saying this was for me

She was the one who initiated me to blogworld, by writing her first post 8 years back on my niece when she was born(Now I dont know where that blog has gone).
And I had begun by writing a comment on it, thinking all this space is just for family to see and comment

She doe not write often now, maybe cos too much of happiness does not give you incentives to write

We, the frequent bloggers, are the ones to whom beauty of longing belongs, who write cos happiness is too fleeting a thing for us

Ok, so lets come to what that article talks about. Well, it talks about me, without knowing me

Some of the lines, bore my resemblance more than others;

"She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants"

"She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street"

"She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted"

These lines I feel have been taken from my mind, or any of my post :)
"Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.She has to give it a shot somehow."

"Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel"

"Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop",

But this one is not true:
"It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries"

Because for me books are not only about great authors and famous books. They are also about my whims, my drive towards unknown. I would go through random books and pick one by title, or by its picture. Not knowing what it would turn out to be, giving me that edge of uncertainty, the best ingredient in life
So let me have that pleasure, while you buy me a pretty red dress. Am pretty much a books-clothes-accesories girl

This one is so beautiful,makes me believe that such a thing will happen to me:
"You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots."

And here is the best of the best..undoubtedly me
"Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

There are great many books to be read, I have just begun

Zara zara behakta hai

...My body and heart are losing senses, slowly

This song can set me on fire any time
Whenever I hear it, it sounds like my long lost love

I have no idea what the lyricist, music director and singer planned to do with this song, when they created it
I dont know what exactly their vision was...

But they surely succeeded in devastating me..

Whenever I wish to be in that special place of mine, in my cocoon..I plug my ear phones and play this..and let the magic begin

Bombay Jayshree's voice here is like sheet of velvet, gliding down clear water

There was a time I had driven people crazy with this song..
If in a car, I would insist this song be played umpteen times..or in a party I would acquire the role of a DJ and make all listen to just this song, repeatedly

I first heard this when I was in Goa in 2001, this song had just come out I guess

I was with my sis, brother in law and a certain someone..whom I had just gotten to know and attraction was already in the air..sparks were flying

We were all playing cards
I remember being a little inebriated..I remember him siding up with me in the cards game...giving me that special smile intermittently and humming lines from this song..

"यूँ ही बरस बरस काली घटा बरसे, हम यार भीग जाएँ , इस चाहत की बारिश में ..."
I wish the dark clouds keep pouring just like this, and we lovers get drenched, in this downpour of love

He was a good singer

I cant forget how an inane smile was perpetually stuck to my lips, during the whole Goa trip and how this song refused to leave me ever since..

The smile faded and withered..but the song remains..it made me its captive

The other day, someone was playing this song on full blast in my apartment. I walked out of my flat, transfixed, and stood outside my door for a good 5 minutes to soak in this song in the air
No thoughts, no desires...just this song and my blank mind were together

Today while coming to work my auto was stopped in the middle of the road, along with other traffic moving in my direction.

Some workers, who were working on broadening the road we were moving on, stopped us.
Reason - The bulldozer needs to come this way, from the opposite direction and enter this road from wrong side.

Whoa! And this happened right at Vellara Junction which is a prime area, just off MG and brigade road. To top it it was the peak traffic hour when all are moving towards their offices.

I started asking auto guy as to what was happening, since I dont understand Kannad(even after 8.5 years in this city). When he told me, I got furious and stepped out and told them to move away and let the traffic go.
Such work is not to be done during peak hours, plus getting that huge thing from completely wrong direction? Who does that?
Seeing me, the other girl in a car next to my auto started meekly too.

Those workers tried arguing with me for sometime. But since I wasn't relenting(and when I get furious no one can argue with me), they thought its best to tell me that they don't understand Hindi and cant speak to me
Oh, so after conversing with me for sometime in Hindi, they had momentary lapse of Hindi-knowledge?!

But thankfully my auto guy was decent and took over from me in their native language(not for the love of me but auto drivers hate wasting time in traffic and many a times would reject dignity of a red-light too)

So they had to finally stop from stopping us, before their bulldozer can make its grand entry.

But I was left wondering where can such bizarre things happen in this world?
I dont think metros like Delhi, Bombay are tolerant towards such idiosyncrasies.

Bangalore has yet to learn that it is also in the same league!

This post should have been on the 6th evening but these days my nights have been little busy(Not that way people!)

6th Dec - No this was not a post on Babri masjid demolition, but my favorite day and number, my birthday

I know this day is called as "Black Day" by Muslims but I also know its a an unforgettable day for our nation. Thats why I am so unforgettable :)

Winter is my favorite season and December my favorite month. It hoards a lot of memories and beauty in it. And lots of parties.

Few days back at work we had some soft skill session where people had to tell their favorite season and a reason for it. I said winter becos my birthday comes in winter. To that, a girl whom I hardly know remarked "You really love yourself dont you?"
I liked that deduction, but then why would anyone not love oneself?

Surprisingly this was a very fulfilling day. Surprising, cos off late each year this day I used to wake up with a thud in my heart. Maybe cos of this monument I have created in my mind of a life I wish to have and the contrast.And this day would accentuate all of them in a grotesque way

Yet it felt so much better than this one a year back

Maybe cos I have come to terms with myself, and fallen in love with the world and life

Midnight cake cutting was fun(especially cos we had just gotten back from "Dirty Picture" and the mood was OOh lala!).
Gifts gifted and a lot bought by myself. I have a hoard of new clothes now. So have decided this will be a "New outfit each week" month for me

And this sweet seductive saggitarian will sit and await the next 6th Dec..

If I love you...

A sudden thought struck me and I had to put it down right away, lest I forget my "Eureka" moment.

It has to do with me and the way I love. Not just a lover but anyone close to me, very few such people though

And I have come to realise this...

The kind of love I have in my heart, is suitable only for kids.
Better put, I am more comfortable showing my love only to kids.

Its Shameless in its abundance

But in the world of grown ups my love feels like a misfit. I have not known to curb my emotions within decency of the world of elders. Where too much is looked down upon and moderation and balance is the rule

In my world of love, its supposed to have no bars..

If in the middle of the road you say something adorable, I might pull you to me and give you a peck on your cheeks. But if this embarrasses you, I will be hurt and will check myself next time when I have this urge

If someone hurts you, I will be the one who will shout at the person even more than you, not bothering of my own equation with that other person, cos you are the one more important to me
My love does not know right & wrong, it will never try to pit you against anyone else less important to me..I will not try to judge if you are in any way wrong..I will just take your side, not cos my love demands it..but cos thats the way I feel about you
But if you bother more about the world and are hesitant in speaking for me, when the time requires it, I will be disillusioned..yet I wont stop from siding up with you, I have not learnt how to balance love with worldliness

If on a breezy rainy day, I feel like having a hot cup of adrak chai with you, You will find me at your door, all drenched cos of walking, as I dint get an auto
Cos I know, the warmth between us will compensate for all the coldness outside
But if you have 100 of other important things to attend to , and you always need to plan your meeting with me, then I will stop myself next time too

Cos no-one comes by my door, un-called and un-invited
na datsak jaroori na aawaj dena,main saanosn ki raftaar se jaan loongi, hawaaon ki khushboo se pehchaan loongi
(You dont need to knock, nor call out my name
I will know by the way you breathe and by the fragrance in the air)

There is a lot of cuddling, pecking and pampering involved in my love-world. Cos how can I not pull your cheeks when you make the sweetest face, how can I not ruffle your hair when you look sad?
My heart is on my sleeve, when I love you, ready to flow into you, ready to burst into stars

My love does not know a thing about anything
Its always drunk on its capacity

And the kids reciprocate it the way it needs to be

Unabashed in its acceptance
The glee, the camaraderie, the smiles, the infectious pecks and hugs..all mine to claim

In the world of elders, the novelty of a relationship gets on to one and all..a new friend, a new man/woman, a new distraction and a new attraction
But for me its the comfort of knowing one another which drives me to the other person, secrets shared and laughter understood
A new friend, a new guy will never bind me the way you can

And its the same with kids..they seek me out in a crowd and our reunion is always the same..and gets better each day..

I will run to them and fight with them as to why they dint call me and tell them "I missed you so much", but I can never say that to a grown up anymore
By this constant need to suppress that, maybe I stop missing, I forget to miss

My heart needs outlets, to whoosh out this tremendous love inside me
In you , you and all of you closest to me, I had found my outlet

But now the doors are closed, and the love streamlined
Not going haywire, abound..but channelized
With properness and margins and rules
Smiles cultivated, words chosen and actions well practiced

No more drunk on itself, but sobered up

Cos my kind of love can only cause catastrophies

So I have my glamorous world with me and kids in it, of love, adulation, dance and fun. And I remain in this world, even when one kid outgrows it and another enters

दिल से तुझको बेदिली है, मुझको है दिल का गुरूर
तू ये माने या न माने, लोग मानेंगें जरूर
ये मेरा दीवानापन है, या मोहब्बत का सुरूर
तू न पहचाने तो है ये, तेरी नजरों का कुसूर

(You are blase towards matters of heart, I take pride in my heart
Whether you accept it or not, people definitely will
Either it is my obsession, or its intoxication of love
If you dont recognize it, its your mistake)

Here is a great rendition by Susheela Raman, of an old favorite song

The same old feeling

I felt very friday-ish today.
Picked up a harem-pant and short top to go to work.
I usually dont go this casual to work.

My hair is mostly let loose, but for some reason I felt like doing something different.
Put on earring and tied a plait.

I looked at myself in the mirror and felt different too. I felt I was 20 again. A refreshing feeling swept over me

I mostly dont remember how I felt when I was younger, I dont even remember what it felt to be me, a year back

So sometimes I play a game with myself, of role-play
I play my own role, to myself, from some other era
And believe me you, the moment I step into that role, I feel exactly the same
its as good as being in those times again

I felt the same pride in myself, a little coquettish, a little elusive, a little flirty , a little bit of drama-queen

I had a spring in my feet, I tilted my head in that same familiar way

So today, I spoke a little more, laughed and joked a little out of my character, with people around me and saw surprise on their faces

I could smell fragrance of old times around me
I could force pores and nerves of my heart to open up different chords, the ones I hadn't in a long time

I could wire up strings inside me in the wrong-most way, to get the right-most feeling
God lets me play such tricks at times

And all this just cos I felt like feeling it
Its easy to switch back in time, if I decide to.

I thought of picking only the good today
Discarding any vile feeling
I will pick up a smile on the way

On days like these, I will make a life, of my favorite picks

Life outage

Sometimes I dont feel like writing
Cos my best words are always swallowed in my mind, before time

And the moment I begin to write
Its just mediocrity which flows
UN-impressive and UN-inspiring
So I clamp up

This thing, coupled with internet outage at my place has made me write less here
To top it, even at work today there was no network for an hour

I felt crippled for sometime..

It was like I cant do a thing without the net
Strangely for other inconsequential stuff also my mind kept telling me : this cant be done since there is no net
For stuff like going out and getting myself a cup of coffee

I have to be either in front of the system or Tv Or in some transit
To feel life is moving

Else its a shutdown of life.

When we wish others on their success
when we congratulate them
when we feel happy for someone finding true love

we have a tiny wish that a part of their happiness falls on us
we soak ourselves in their gaiety
And hope to steal...
A bit of their flowing happiness
Into ours..

And that makes us happy enough to feel happy for them

Many a times..
We revel in others' moment of glory

Single and Independent

I have been hospital-hopping for the last 2 days. I have visited 3 doctors and 2 hospitals in a span of 2 days.

Its not a survey I am doing, but as usual my stomach. I had to miss my Pondicherry trip cos of this. That trip which I had forced others to plan with me and finally I had to drop out

And whats the consequence of all those blood tests etc ? - "Essentially Normal". As usual, which we found even 2 years back

Its some mysterious undiagnosed thing, which burns me out completely.

And sometimes its conversations with some doctors which ticks me off!

Here is one with one of the doctors I met yesterday:-
"Whats your age"
I tell my age
"Single or married"
I - "Single"
He - "I admire your independence"

Strange isnt it? That a woman of certain age, and single is perceived as independent. As if, its something commendable.

Which age are we still in?

So how about a man who can still be ten years elder than me and a bachelor? Yet no one would say the word "independent" for him. Being single for a man is ordinary and routine thing, but for a woman an achievement?

Men can survive without a woman, but a woman doing it attaches a label to herself "independent","admirable". I find it so funny and hypocritical!

I think a man as much needs a woman, as a woman needs a man

And about the doctor, he was least interested in any of my issues but kept asking me personal questions. When I mentioned that I need medicines for some issue, he would scribble some medicine in the prescription and continue asking me weird questions.

He gave me a big lecture on why I should stop alcohol and he also got into chemical formulae of how alcohol is made!!

Thankfully my cousin was there so he could not continue with his questions but has called me again this Saturday,maybe to discuss my love-life.

I dont think I will go, cos I dont need to learn anything from a man who isnt treating me for my disease but trying to psyche me.

I think I know much better about life than such male doctors who show unnecessary and unethical interest in their female patients.

I read this quote somewhere, is that true?

“She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..”
           ~ Masashi Kishimoto

Je ne sais quoi

She cuddled herself and es-consed in a comfortable position with a book in her hands. Thats her favorite position, knees huddled in hands.

Specially in a train, she prefers no other business than reading and eventually sleeping. Sleeping does not come easy, but she waits for it. Till then she reads, as if reading is the last thread to hold on to, in life.

She abhors speaking to anyone while traveling. She likes being alone in her journey. All puns intended.

"Get the F*** out of here" - She suddenly hears this, from someone sitting right in front of her. It sounded like a very young guy. 22-23 maybe.

She usually hates people using the F word in front of a woman, so she buried herself deeper in her book, and wished the night came soon and she could go off to sleep and dint have to bear any small talk from anyone.

She is a bit of a recluse

"Are you working with Satyam?" - Its the same young guy's voice, but seems like its directed towards her.

She very reluctantly raises her head from her book, hoping its not for her.

But he is looking directly at her, and she cant but notice that he is strikingly good looking.

"Yes" - is her reply

She has learnt one thing in her life, about how to be around strangers(read it men).
- Do not say much, to show that they can ask you more and get comfortable with you.

- But at the same time, do not show disdain and aloofness, cos that arouses more dangerous and unwonted behavior from them, which she did not want to deal with.

So a "Yes" is what she thought appropriate and what she could muster.

He found it little wired that she dint even bother to know why and how he guessed that.
"Would you not like to know how I guessed that?" - He probed.

She quizzically looked at him, without saying anything

"Its the bag with the company's logo next to you. I was surprised when you said just a Yes. I felt that you looked the kind who would sarcastically say : Cant you see the bag? But looks like you don't bother" - He added with a smile.

She noticed he looked adorably vulnerable with that smile.Very unaware of its effect too

She then mentally tried to form an image of her, as to how she appeared to him at this moment.

She was in her Capri, and a t-shirt. Her hair was tied in a french braid. There was no make-up on, as it is with her in train journeys.

She does not expect much action and tries to prevent it too.

But this guy was different, he intruded without a sign of encouragement

People told her that she looked good with her hair loose.
She un-knowingly loosened her hair, and tilted her head in a way which gave the best profile shot of hers. The dimple shown generously and a soft jawline.

But the very next moment she was irritated with herself, for such a display of attention seeking behavior from her side

She pulled her hair back in a stern bun again, and slumped her head in the most ungracious way. Hoping to combat all her earlier efforts to look attractive.

She never thought herself to be someone who needed to seek attention from a man and this behavior of hers put her in a bad light, not to anyone but to herself and she needed to obliterate that.

She threw a glance his way, just to be assured that he was not noticing any of these changes.
But to her dismay she found him staring at her, not like a lecherous guy ogling at a woman but as someone who was trying to figure her out

And she knew the exact thoughts that might be going in his mind..
"God, She is so mysterious!"

She knew thats the impression she made on most people, in the very first meeting.

She could never fathom what men felt was mysterious about her? They thought she is reticent, and does not like to mix with people
But did they know she was always an amalgam of confusion, who was so caught in her own mesh of thoughts, that others cease to exist for her at times.
Is this what they they found mystifying?

But they dint know if something dint consume her, it dint interest her.

If she did not find a reason to laugh at their banal jokes, she would give back a stare, which they found profound?

She liked men in control, but they moment they tried controlling her, she would slip away..was that dis-concerting?
She could love a song to bits, yet hate it to its core..both together..did that make her inaccessible?

She dint know the answers, yet she knew people found her mysterious
Which made her shiver within, what is it that they found unfathomable, when she could get herself?
Was the inaccessible in her, her strength?

She was quite sure of such thoughts in his mind
YET, she did not know ONE thing

He knew exactly what was going on in her mind.
He knew she was wondering what makes her mysterious, he knew she could not grasp her own attractiveness

Yet there he was..

Falling in an abyss..
He was reaching out to his guts to stop himself from touching her
He was reasoning with his impulse to hate the same things which seemed so endearing to him
He was bewitched byan amalgam of confusion....for no reason explainable to her or to him

He was falling for her je ne sais quoi

As Promised

More than a year back, I moved into my house and had promised to put more pictures here.

I dont know if anyone has been waiting for it, but I am here to fulfill that promise of more pics on my blog.

Here are the bits and pieces of my heart...





































I have been busy decorating, setting up, and its an on going process. There is still dining table to be bought, few more changes to be done.

Yet when I see all of this, then I can not have the heart to ever complain to God about things s/he did not give me. It is more than I asked for.

And to think that all this is solely my doing, all this is only and only mine(no gifts and bribes taken :)), my heart can not but swell with pride

Note : - Btw no enquiries on where I got what, will be entertained :) I have spent days googling, running helter skelter to all god forskane places, to buy stuff. I now know the difference between Venner, types of solid wood, melamine finish. So you go figure for yourself, its fun and it worth it!

In the name of religion

I once met a man in the US. He was an American by birth but had changed his religion to Sikhism and was taking some sessions for getting initiated into it.

It bewildered me. Why would someone want to change one's religion which s/he is born with? Whats this strong connect/disconnect to religion that so many people seem to exhibit? "I am an atheist"..I have heard that statement many times and I feel that if people can be fanatic about their religions, then even atheism is a sort of fanaticism

If you want to defy existence of God, and display it by doing things like not entering temple and standing outside when made to accompany, then you are actually in some way emphasizing the existence of God. You are no better than a fanatic in my eyes.

And I find it funny why someone would want to change the religion they are born with? Is it like a hobby or some school which you change?
What is it that you are seeking in different religions?
Isn't every religion about self discovery in the end? How would learning how to put on a turban and everything else that goes with it, help you in knowing yourself? What was missing in what you believed earlier?

What is this hoopla over religion?

I follow my religion cos I was born with it, that's what I grew up with.
I like my religion for many things..like the smell of incense which fills my house, like the beautiful colors of my deities, like so many stories around each of them.

But most importantly cos my religion wasn't thrust on my face by my folks.
I was never forced into anything, and never stopped from anything, for the sake of religion.

Even though there are restrictions on women in my religion to practice a few things, like you are not supposed to enter temple in one of those days etc. But my parents never bothered to tell me that(by parents I mean my mom, my father is happy being an atheist thought he would not practice it as a law anyway). I learnt it from other girl friends of mine, or other relatives.

And the best thing(for me) which I love about praying is total submission to someone(I call it God). A thing seen rarely in me as a person. I like the way I bow my head in total faith and regard. I sometimes beg, sometimes just blank out. A feeling of total belonging and unquestioned trust. Which I cant seem to have for anyone else in life. Not to forget the perennial hope which comes with my belief

I had gone to a masjid near Charminar in Hyderabad. There is some mystery about a masjid which enchants me and made me want to enter it. But I was stopped and told that women are not supposed to enter. The front bearers of that place looked at me with some ridicule and disdain. I was enraged and wanted to utter something, but checked myself. It wasnt my place.

I once went to a church in US, it was thanks giving or some such important day for the church. I had a catholic friend with me. At the end of the ceremony, all made a line and went up till the priest who was giving some white colored thing to eat. He was feeding each of them with his hand. My friend said I should not do that since only Catholics, who are baptized, should take that. I was irritated, and determined to take that thing. But the moment I reached the priest, I felt some fear. As if I am peeking inside some sacred secrets which I am not supposed to. A feeling of unknown guilt came over me and I backed out.

I hate it when I have to check myself, without knowing why I am doing it. I want to go with the flow of things, and for me anything is not consummated if not done in its entirety. So for me getting that white thing from the priest would have consummated the whole festive mood, but I had to miss it

On these two occasions I realized what probably makes an atheist. Maybe its the restrictions and bars by each religion which makes one loathe it. Which makes one stop believing in a God, who conforms to such baseless things.
Hence they make atheism their religion.

I can never become an atheist though, maybe I have selfish reasons for that.

Those who say "I love you" too soon, are the ones who mean it the least
                                                                                        ~me

Hoarders of beauty

People have a way of stripping off beauty from everything which is grand and make it mundane.
They say.."Art is nothing, poetry is bullshit"

Basically everything in the world which brings peace to a some souls can be negated, blown away and shred into minuscules of ordinariness

Why do people do this?If thats true then what do I hang on to, in order to believe that life and people have much more to offer than what they seem to?

Cos I have always been a hoarder of beauty, splendour and everything which was a little out of my reach, yet it intrigued and tantalized me..like a faraway light
A shimmer of glamour which I always thought is my eventuality...that in the end I will reach there

Its easy to shred things apart to their base nude form and say "this is what it is..nothing". But its difficult to weave a romance around everything, like a child, to be wide-eyed about things.

As a child I used to hoard beauty, in all forms..

I would cut pictures of a pretty face, a handsome guy, a scenery, a poem..
The house I lived in, had beautiful stones spread on its pathway, I used to sit for hours and pick the most beautiful ones
And store all of them in a box

I dint do it to show to anyone, but I treasured them in my heart secretly
Every night I used to open them and have a look at all the beautiful things that I had...I loved that moment of the day, it had a strange thrill to it, the whole day waited on me for that moment

I love beautiful words too, the way they feel and sound in my mouth
We used to have a book in my high school called "Words are beautiful" and I used to score a full marks on that cos learning new words was a passion for me
I would even read a lot of urdu books by Mazaaz, Iqbal, Meer Taqi Meer and few others, cos I found unnerving beauty in it
Even though urdu is not my first language, I would spend time to know the meanings of each and every word I came across
Cos by doing so, I brought beauty closer to me..in my grasp

(In class 6th I wrote an essay for my Hindi class.I displayed all my knowledge of urdu in that essay. The teacher next day read the poem in the class and said its a beautiful essay but totally not understandable cos maybe its written by a Muslim girl. I sheepishly told her that was not true :))

Beauty is an absolute for me, like truth
Its self containing and self preserving
It does not need acknowledgment from the world,
Like a black hole, it sucks in people without itself being involved and disturbed

Beauty is a way to connect with another who understands it

We all love beauty and know that too, yet we at times want to ignore it and claim beauty does not exist? Is it cos we are threatened by it, or by lack of it in our lives?

We try to find flaws in a stunning face.."The nose is too big"/ "Her Smile does not reach her eyes"/ "I find his face expressionless, lacks something"
And we try to glorify an otherwise ordinary face.."She has character on her face"
If you don't acknowledge beauty, does that change it?Why run away from it?

And at times I wonder what is this need to have beauty in our lives?

To have a beautiful house, a pretty wife or a good looking husband, a nice dress or shoe..
Everything is about storing beauty in our lives
Stocking beauty, so that we never have dearth of it in our lives

Yet we deny it its credit..

For me, beauty is what keeps my life interesting..

I am someone who marvels at beauty openly..and off late I have started taking beauty with a bit of gratitude ..and guilt too, for all that I might have maligned in this world, knowingly and unknowingly

If I read something written so nice that it tugs at my heart, I love that..and I thank God that there is someone in the world who can write like that..isnt that beauty?

I see a good movie or a well executed scene, or acting, I cant forget it for days..and I can never tire of watching it again and again..as if to keep beauty in a loop

A good song, we all know, sometimes defines us, our idea of romance, sorrow, love et al..
Isnt that creation, art and beauty?Can everyone make us feel the same way?

And when I see good dancing, I am mesmerized..

On that note I am totally awestruck by Hrithik's dancing.
No, I dont ogle at him like a woman ogles at a man and lusts after him, believe me I dont...but I ogle at him as someone who is just so perfect
I cant stop gushing at his perfection in looks and dance, when I see this,
He is just too groovy....and he fills me with reasons for all possibilities in life


He seems so happy just being himself, knowing his own charisma, and regaling in it..that's a superlative

So is the case with Madhuri and all her dances, I can never have enough of it

I get goose bumps when I read authors like Milan kundera, or many bloggers whom I read..I cant express that feeling when I read something which is akin to my feelings, which I could never put in words but someone could do it like s/he got inside my mind..thats beauty too

What would you call it? How would you shred apart all that beauty? And say its not art?
You dont have to think differently to be an artist, its the way you express it which creates art
And if others can feel a sort of oneness in their art, that's a good enough reason to be regarded as one

Beauty is my peace and solace, and I wont let that ever go from my life...

Beauty can make your world topsy-turvy, make you blind, bedazzled and you might think that you lost your way in its enchantment

But then, that's the only thing you would remember, which was worth it, when you sit and account for your life in your own mind

I might give up on love, on relationships but I will never give up on beauty..

Jagjit Singh

I had gate crashed his live show at Siri fort auditorium in Delhi. This was was some 14 years back. I was with my younger sis and a couple of her friends.

We dint have tickets and managed to make our way through the crowd and ran from under the arms of the security who was trying to push the crowd out and failed to notice us.

As soon as we entered the auditorium, we ran like headless chicken and plonked ourselves right in front on the stage, on the carpet(we did not have the gall to sit on seats after gate crashing)

When he began singing, I was a little disoriented since I could not make out if the voice was coming from him or every pore of auditorium was singing
The voice had the quality of all bass/surround effects which are available in the high-tech speakers of today

I just gaped at this good looking man, and lost myself in the voice
We were sitting right below his nose, and he could see us clealry..so in my mind I believed that some of his songs were directed at me :)

I had heard rumors of him being a womanizer, but his talent compensated for me, and I feel an era has ended with him

I have seen a lot of live concerts : Bryan Adams, Enrique..but his is the most memorable

Here is a lesser known song from him, but my all time favorite
What a heart-wrenching, defenseless love..this song portrays

मैं कैसे कहूं जानेमन, तेरा दिल सुने मेरी बात
How do I say it sweetheart, that your heart can hear what I have to say

Voracious writers

I have heard about voracious readers. But have any of you heard about voracious writers?

Yes, there is a category like that.

Some people just dont know when to stop writing, once they begin to write.

They have this habit of(and no knack whatsoever) dissecting every human emotion, nature, very clinically and then serving it in a platter.A dish made of amalgamation of their own sick mind, complexes, in-inadequacies.
As if they are some authority in reading human mind and its complexities

They are not even psychiatrists. It beats me how they churn boring sentences after another.

I'm talking about few specific people here(2 in mind), and I am pissed. Very, very pissed.

If only this person knew when to stop!

But just to tell them - What you write is ill-written, utterly boring, repetitive, senseless and nauseating to me. Probably over the years some people have fed you with the notion that you write well & now you have gone ballistic with it. But please read what you write. May be its not exactly what you had in mind.Your thoughts and your writings might be miles apart.

I understand that you have the rights to write whatever you wish to in the confines of your space, blog, diary, journal or whatever it is.
But stop badgering me with your over-the-top theories, ideas, conjectures, pseudo-intellectualism. It becomes difficult to even comment on another blogger cos of this.

I can not read beyond 2 lines of what you write. I swear I have tried, cos I believe in giving everyone his/her due. But I start yawning and my head hurts.
Man, you are caught in your own mesh of objectifying everything and fail to see beyond it.

And then there are some people who have created a whole blog just for me. To lament over me. The blog was created for the sake of putting me down, and it was made sure that I know of the blog, and every single post is a response to what I write here.
It makes me smirk at times, cos that's the degree of effect I had on this person.

But just a question to you, do you know the definition of a loser? Maybe just do a reality check and see if you are a synonym for it? Move on!

I could have let this go, as I have done so many times in the past, but since i have decided that I wont anymore, hence this post. Hopefully once and for all.

And I dont wish to be in the category of voracious writers, so I will stop my rant here.

They say....
Don't hold on to things, don't hold on to anger, don't hold on to people who are meant to go away

I tried doing that, but life has come to a full circle and I have realized some preachings are just momentary and do not work in the long run

One has to decide what works best for them

I am not the sort of person who lets go easily

So letting go initially, gave me freedom..a high of being someone else
I could heave a sigh of relief, to let that burden off..whatever it was..in whichever form
I felt a different me, within me, which was refreshing and delightful

But I dint know, that all the burden I let off, kept perching itself somewhere in the recess of my personality

So much so that I no longer felt like me,
I no longer felt myself within me..
I let go of my spark too somewhere

Letting go loosens up your senses ,
And for a highly strung person like me, its like a sedative
a drug which had started mellowing my senses,

It makes you lose the strength and the ability to hold on, to fight, to cherish your individuality

And thats one thing I cant afford to lose, cos thats my sanity

So I have decided, to hell with letting go..

She loved like she was going to war

"She was tenacious, aggressive as a lover, had tried to prise pieces of him apart. Only when she failed, had she finally let go. She loved like she was going to war, but she also not the kind of woman to wait for a man. Valiant in battle, noble in defeat. She walked away and never looked back"
                 ~ The Memory of Love by Aminatta Forna

Reading this felt like me. At least thats the way I have always thought myself to be.
Verbatim, ditto!

Nawab Pataudi

I am woken up by a sms from my father at 1 AM in the morning, the day Pataudi died.

Sms reads -
"Just saw news of Pataudi's death. This looked like a personal bereavement to me since Pataudi and Sobers were the two international cricketers whom I saw from closest range in my life, in the historical test at Eden gardens where second day's play was washed away due huge crowd, which could not get full accommodation.

Both of them were in a black car. As the car approached the gate, I ran fast out line, reached by chance the back side window, tried my best to put my head inside and saw them clearly laughing and talking.
One was black and the other was white, but both were extremely handsome and looked so smart.
Pataudi's death has made me so sad"

My father never fails to surprise me with his emotional connect to people outside the realm of his close relatives.
And being his daughter, am such a fry cry from that. I have never iconised anyone in my life, never held anyone larger than life and attached my happiness or sadness with them.

Its this child like thing in him that makes me love him , even though he drives me mad mostly. I could almost imagine him doing all that, what he wrote in the sms

A bright eyed teenager, he must have been back then

This sms dint make the cricket-lover in me miss anything, but reminded me of our huge bunglaw(back from Britisher's days), back in my home town. The huge terrace, where we all used to accumulate on a pretty winter day. Elders having tea, kids frolicking around, and the small rickety transistor blaring with live cricket commentary and my father and his brothers hooked on to it.

And being able to conjure up that image right now, seems like a privilege to me

Now I am dreading demise of next (rather first on his list) icon in his life, whom he idolized to the extent of fights with my mother. Whose hairstyle he copied in his hay days. And that icon is film actor Dilip Kumar.
Whose pictures and newspaper cuttings of all his achievement are sprawled across an almirah in his bedroom, as if he is our own.

Morality Vs Sensuality

We have divided ourselves in 3 parts - heart, mind and body. They refuse to be in tandem, for lesser mortals like me

And the body takes the last precedence for most of us, who allow our heart and mind to bog us down

Are we killing our sensuality in the name of morality?

I am sure the way I am thinking right now, I wont be able to think like this again..cos mind keeps fluctuating from right to wrong, from good to bad

Yes, right now I think we shackle our real selves by this thing called morality

Its not a societal thing, its not even related to our culture, or upbringing
Its something so deeply ingrained in us, that we have come to believe in so many things, which sometimes takes us away from ourselves

This is more contextual to we Indian women though..

Were we supposed to be like this always? Did God create us like this?

Am sure God did not think much when s/he created humans, we were supposed to be free spirits

Sometimes the weight of "forever" love, "one man-woman" thing interferes with our natural self and makes us forget what it is to discover the viler side(if it may be called so) of us

Do we realize we are made of cells, molecules and elements which we dint decide upon? That they act on their own will at times and we either obey them or be caught in the whirlwind of guilt and longing?

Can we lose control..can we let go of our obsession with being-in-control?
Even if we do, and when we do..we still have our caps.
We are still bound by notions of control,our limits..the extent to which we can stoop

Can we ever come to terms with our losing control and understand that it can be exquisite?

Why cant we treat our sensuality like a merit, a virtue? As something which we need to protect and nurture? Like we are taught to be good to others, speak truth always, why aren't we taught to respect this beauty within us? If speaking truth is right, why is addressing this part of us a taboo? Are we being truthful if we pretend that we are never amorous?

My sisters who are so happily married, and surely in love with the same person for so many years, would probably scorn at me for having such thoughts, but I really want to know

I am not talking about infidelity, or hurting someone

But just that at times, too much sense of right or wrong makes us all wrong for our own selves..for our sensibilities

We withhold, we stop..we wither away..

The chord thats relationship

Relationships are like a chord
A tenacious chord, between two people

One end tied to me and the other to you

Between 2 sisters
Between 2 friends
Between 2 lovers
And even between parents and children

Both sides try to pull it towards themselves
But neither of us can pull it beyond a point, lest it breaks

We need to reach an equilibrium, where both can hold the reins
And the right tenacity is maintained

You need to realize when the thread is pulled too hard on either side..
-Whether you are pulled too much and leaning into the other person
-Or if you have pulled it too much and the other is leaning into you

Neither is a healthy situation
For you or for the other party

So each has to let loose a little
And hold back a little
To maintain the right tension in the chords
Which makes the correct music

And all that circus is necessary, only if you care for the relationship enough
Else its better broken than saved.

Analysing skills

Those of you who have not yet seen this ad, take a look to understand the context of this conversation..




Me and my cousin were lazily lying on sofa, with tea in our hands and staring at tv mindlessly, hardly aware of what we were watching, when this ad pops up

This starts off our mind and this intellectual conversation:

I - "This ad irks me to no end, for some reason"

She - "I hate this guy, and his smile with chocolate stuffed in his mouth'

I - "Oh I hate them both! What the hell are they trying to show?Do they think its cute?"

She - "Besharm ladka hai(Shameless guy that kiddo)! He is being introduced to the girl's father and look at his insolence and disrespect, to smile like that!! With chocolate smeared all over his mouth!"

I - "Jab khud ka hi sikka khota ho to ladke ki kya galti hai(If you own daughter does not care, why blame the guy)? She should be the one bothering about loafing around with that guy on stair case when her father crosses them. If she does not give due respect, why would the guy bother a bit? This ad is endorsing wrong values. Will give wrong ideas to teenagers"

By the time I finished my statement, I started laughing and we both collapsed. At the seriousness of our tone, on this harmlessness ad

We women have the capacity to dissect every innocuous thing, and tear it to shreds
Also, we invariably find a reason to blame our own gender(though in this context this blame was not ill placed :)

But seriously, that ad is done in a very bad taste. Later when I searched for this ad on you tube, I found similar comments from others

तुमसे मिली जो जिंदगी..हमने अभी बोई नहीं

This life that I got from you
I have not yet sown it..


I read a lot of blogs, its like an addiction. Mostly the dark ones, which talk of love..unrequited love, love shared and lost, love losing its sheen
But this is not about those blogs, but is about the strange disconnect I feel when I read such blogs.Where people talk about that one bright star, that one person they loved and lost..its this disconnect which attracts me to such blogs I guess

And I am left thinking about myself.
When I close my eyes, there isn't that ONE face which comes to my mind, there is no one love which torments me day and night
Why isn't there a name which whispers in my ears..sweet nothings?
I feel little belittled, I feel envious of those people who have that fire in their hearts to love someone

And I feel the burden of not having loved enough to have a hole in the heart which does not heal...
Am I stoic? Hard heart-ed? Frivolous?

I have never had an intense longing in my heart for someone for a long time...
When I had, it was as intense as intense can be, but when I lost it..I never looked back

But I have loved, I have loved as love is meant to be..with every atom of my being
In each of you whom I love, I have loved myself even more fiercely
You, the ones I loved, are the testimony of all my notions of love

Maybe I have loved those frozen moments
And longed for those moments to keep appearing in my life, in succession like a chain of beginnings, with the same person, again and again

But beginnings end, and end happens

Sometimes I feel I could replace all my days and night, for that edgy heady feeling, which never lasts

But yes I have loved you, you who pulled me away from my mundane life..

You are that flicker of romance, I saw on beaches
And always imagined and wished for
And you fulfilled my prophecy
Of living a romance, as wild as ours

And you, who lifted me up and I was always aware of the lurking desire in you to pull me down
You were the deepest and darkest of my nightmares
you are all that torments me
you are all that takes it away

You, who was always telling me what I was,who tried deciphering me like an ancient scripture, things I never saw in myself, you saw
In you I saw the mystery that's me
A glimpse of it, scared I was
but I loved myself even more

I remember you too, for those small bouts of mirth and days laden with sweet talks

I can smell wine, when I see you from afar
The beauty of alcohol and inebriation
Is what you bring back to me

You were the one with whom I could drop my head and say, I dont want to be strong anymore
all that the world gives me
I offload it to you..you take away all of it
And I can see my pain dissipating in the air..
As my words fill you..and your lips touch mine


How could I forget you, who remembers me as his own ?

You were that painter who drew me in details
From arch of my heels to the mole on my finger
Sometimes I believe I existed more in your sketch and detailing of me
Than outside of it

Yes, I have loved

I have not loved to fill in the blanks of my life
I have loved cos you deserved it, and so did I

I too have lost myself for a while, broken and battered
I too have gone around the circles, but eventually I have found my center, within me

But how could I let any of you break me,
When I loved you with the very spirit thats me?
This spirit in me, which existed before you happened
And continues to live inside me?

I wonder if there is too much of life in my veins,
An overpowering tide
Which crushes and surpasses all of you and me too

Love is a curse, only if you let it be

I wake up with a wish to see new places, to read great books,
watch good movies and party hard

I tried being melancholic, to ascertain that I have been hurt and wronged
That I have loved and lost,
Thinking all these are the sure shot signs of being an elegant woman

But one Friday night and hopes of a rocking weekend takes its toll
And I am again wanting to be a part of the world

I am the world

I have been happy, very happy
I have been sad, very sad
Its time to live the moderates now

And the phoenix resurrects

सारा दिन गजलें पिरोना , रात भर आवारगी
फट गया दामन तो क्या है, सादा दिल है सादगी
ना दिलासा चाहा दिल ने , ना वफादारी का सिलसिला

The whole day I weave romance
The whole night I roam around like vagabond
My heart neither wants sympathy, nor a series of faithfulness

To all those who can be-dazzle

"He said that I be-dazzled him. He could not think straight in my presence"

"How can someone be enamored by you?" - He sneered

She recoiled at his usual disgust for anyone who appreciated her

"Its cos he sees me, the way world can not..the way you could never"

"There is nothing much to see or discover. I was never overwhelmed by you"..oh damn his nonchalant tone, which he usually acquires when he is most threatened

"I overwhelm those who I wish to."
Will a cockroach ever admire intricacies of a human brain? - She bemused!

She felt sad for spending long years with a person who never saw her, she felt sad for not knowing what she had settled for..for so long

How could a person, blinded by his own inadequacies, make her feel cherished?
How could she find love in a person who was not fit enough to love even himself?
What is it she searched for in him...when he himself dint know his path?



They say I am proud, too proud
Does my pride offend them?
They want to kill my pride, in order for them to be alive?

They say I am either silent or loud, too silent or too loud
"Too" for whom? "Too" by whose standards?

All this, when I never even asked them for an opinion, in the first place

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.” – William blake

You can afford to have an attitude..
...Only if you have some spunk

Flamboyance on a fool,
makes him all the more unattractive

Life of a pedestrian

Not being able to drive and being averse to auto-wallas in Bangalore, I tend to walk a lot. But a pedestrian has very little value in the traffic scenario of our modern India(at least Bangalore).
Its at these times that I miss my 1 year stay in the USA a lot.

Back there, I felt so safe walking around cos I knew a car would first look for someone like me walking down the road, in the parking lot, around the corner..and then speed up. They have speed limits within residential areas, which is so very right and required.

I remember a friend in US telling me - "Yahaan pedestrians ki bahut aukat hai" (Pedestrians have a lot of value here).
Maybe cos they have so many rules and regulations and the fact that any and everyone can sue, at the drop of a hat.

But here, every place is a highway and you can speed up as you wish.
Even the pavements, which are meant just for pedestrians, is not left alone.
So many pavements are broken cos the bikers(sometimes cars too) ride on it since they don't have patience for the traffic, traffic light and the people

Where do we go then?

Sometimes when I am feeling nasty, I would stand on the pavement and not budge, if a biker tries to speed past. I do get nasty looks and rude honks, but I have become immune to those. And on some worse days, I even tell them to either get down from pavement or wait indefinitely cos I am going to stand there for an hour!

Near my house, which is a residential area and a lot of people are forever walking around, how can you zoom past? When you reach a corner and turn, aren't you supposed to slow down to see if there is anyone walking on the other side?And if you see me crossing the road, you can not honk and shout,cos there is very little I can do when I am right in the center of the road, at the verge of crossing to the other side, when a car suddenly appears from no where and wants me to yield. I will need a few seconds to reach either side.

You can not wish me away by just honking, I can not evaporate into thin air right in the middle of the road. So you got to have patience of a few seconds(yes that's all it takes) for me to cross to either side of the road. That's the only way its gonna work for both of us.

On another note, even though I love India and all through my stay in US I missed the buzz, the crowd, I do miss US at times. For small things, like someone holding the door for you(though at times I found it little irritating and condescending, since sometimes I used to be some 15 feet away from the door and someone, who was also going out, would hold the door for me and I would then try to run to alleviate him from that task), car waiting on me to cross ..and the likes.

My one year in US spoiled me so much and I got so used to these small things that once I was back,it took me a while to adapt.
I would nervelessly cross the road, even if I saw a vehicle at a distance, being sure it would slow down for me.Managing by a meager second, from being blown away.
I used to try walking past the door, if I saw someone going before me, thinking s/he would hold it for a second more, only to be rudely banged by the door on the face and saving my nose marginally from being smashed.

It took me a month to get adjusted, and back to my India and its glorious ways.

It must have been love

I have never given much importance to the niceties in a man(for that matter anyone). The extra sweet behavior, courtesy, chivalry, and all that banal talk about how he is all for equality of women, how he is so adjusting, honest and all that crap

That wont impress me.
But you say something original, something which will make me sit up and notice you, which will hit me as a new wave of thought, then I can be your slave(that's exaggeration)

That's awe-inspiring for me. Then I would want to know every bit of you..with my never ending effort

There are things people have told me which I remember for life.
Small things, which have hit me, made me smile or cry, made me think

And one such is, what you told me, 7 years back?

- "R, you do not have soft edges around you. They are these sharp ones. A person has to slide off a little around you and will get hurt by your barbed wires. Things which other women can get by using their femininity, you make it all so righteous. You would never use your charm to get anything, always your conviction that you deserve it."

Though I was very annoyed about something at that point, this statement made me relent.
In a fraction I realized what you meant and in spite of these not-so-nice words, I felt a sense of relief. Relief for seeing the real me. Relief for being with someone who can tell that to me. I went quiet and just looked at you.

Encouraged by my silence you added : "Its like walking on tenterhooks, one small glitch and I fall off."

To that, I giggled and added - "But it has a thrill..an anticipation, right? What if you make it till the end without falling? It gives you a sense of a portentous victory! And you desire to still tiptoe, cos of that one feeling?"

Its not about the sweet things one says, or the harsh things..its so much about the right things..
Blatant honesty is the most innocent thing in a human!.

That's what makes you fall in love with someone..cos they see you as you are
And they can tell you in a way, which is so endearing

Bad or good, polite or rude does not bother then..
What you feel at that point is..maybe a part of your heart can still belong

So, I dint object or accept but we just smiled and savored that feeling, of ....of belonging to someone again..

There is one thing I would like to tell you, if I could..
Your memory is always a reminder of a smile lost in time.
You are the tucked away laughter in my heart.
Whenever I want, I can take an ounce of those smiles and smear my day with that

It must have been love..but its over now
It must have been good..but I lost it somehow

She is doing her bit

This is for my sister, who recently sung at freedom park in Bangalore, where Anna Hazare's supporters had conglomerated

Hum Hindustani

She was overwhelmed by the spirit of people and response to their performance..


Baar baar haan

Three cheers for her band Dwi

Yes, we are a family of singers and dancers!
And does this post look like advertising her band..then it is :)

Dance does you good

If someone has not danced in life, they must try it once
Its liberating..
Just moving and controlling your own body gives you such a sense of being alive

And my new dance classes are doing me good.

For my body and my ego-boost too

Today I was not so well, so I messaged the teacher that I might not be able to come

She messaged back saying "Please try and come, I have called all the girls to suit your timing."
I was a little surprised and irked, cos I never asked her to call them, plus she wasn't paying attention to the fact that I wasn't well.

So I replied saying, I can try and come but I wont dance.
To that she said, take care of your health and don't come if you really can not

I went nevertheless, cos dance is my weakness.
When I went, no one had arrived yet and she had the music playing on full blast.

She checked with me if I would like to do some warm up, and brush up the steps.
I said yes and started, but tried to under play it, so as not to exert.

But as we progressed, I got into the groove and was full on.
My creaking knees mutely protested, but I ignored.

When you are in love, do you pay heed to anyone who says anything against your lover..its the same between me and dance.

And while I was dancing, she stopped and looked at me with admiration and said "You have amazing body language. All the girls are coming cos they want to see you dance. They keep talking about you, how you are in a different league all together.
That's why I wanted you so much to come today and show them the steps I want to teach them".

Ha....so what am I now? A pin-up girl for the dance class, a display model is it??

........Well, I am loving it!!!

I can do so much for dance.

wo banda hi kya hai, jo naache na gaaye..aa haathon mein tu haath thaam le

Companionship.......

.....is over-rated.

That's what I believe.

Here I am not talking just about a romantic companion, it could be just anyone.
Close , or not so close does not matter.
And I am talking about the 24 hour living in and out, with that person

The advent of every new person in your life, gives another dimension, different energy, new perspective to your life.

Its good for a while, the change is appreciable and well received
But I feel finally all of it boils down to one single point from where deriving happiness becomes difficult

There is a rise of expectations, dependency and all the complications of another human's mind and habits

Things I could have done without, things which would not matter to me otherwise..start bothering in strange ways

If I don't have anyone to turn to, I stretch myself to fit all the crevices.
I fill in all the blanks of my mundane life, and I become consolidated

But as a new person comes in my system, the consolidated me is again scattered into smaller fragments, and a bit of me gets lost like that

In order to be whole, one has to be alone
I am my best, when left alone

My body was your abode

A lovely song from Company, haunting voice
I loved the video too

आँखों में रही, बाहों में रहो, पलकों में रही जुल्फों में रहो
ये सारे घर हैं तुम्हारे , जहाँ भी दिल चाहे रहो...

In love, your body feels like your lover's abode
The smell, the touch, the conversations
You carry it along, within you

पास हमारे आना हो तो, बिना बुलाये आ जाना

Love's pride and love's expectations are many fold

It wants you, yet it does not
Love wants things, without asking for it

आज न जाने ये क्या हुआ है, कोई जरा ये समझाए
इतना सुरूर छाया है, जी करता है मर जाएँ

Yes, I have lived this, many deaths and many lives,
Waiting for a word from your beloved
That one name on my cell, you were my happy message

I would wonder if sadness was a disguise for my love
If happiness was always entwined with the sadness

With you,I was always this molten lava, which no one dared to mold

I molded myself....into forms of your whims
Into somethings..and then into nothingness

I am

Everything is transient, that's the beauty of it all
Whats permanent is just me..

Things that tormented me yesterday
I laugh on them today

I am not a sum of what had been
But always a wait for what is to be

I've kept a void in me, to be filled and discarded
A me, which is always empty

Like flowing water, I gush in and gush out of that void
From no-where to no-where

I am a clean slate,
you can write your story on me today

मैं थी, मैं हूँ, मैं रहूंगी...
(I was, I am and I shall be)