Unsung deires

There are desires meshed in the pores of her being
And sometimes they come on the surface
Making her glow, they perspire out of her

It's fragrance reaches the one it's meant to

The beauty of her desire was..
that it was flimsy
Like giggles of teenaged girls
Hidden and muffled

She waits, for something within her to be negated
She waits for something to be asserted

There are parts of her
Unknown and unheard

She wanted to explore something
Doesn't remember what
Something of the outside or within..?
Those memories come back when she sees
A stony

She wants to know what else can she be
Away and apart from what she has become

she waits the fire in her to blow out, or to burn her
she is forever waiting, for her calling

she wants to drown all of it, or be drowned in it
there is no midway, it cant be that for her
not her...

A weird dream

Yesterday I had a dream which left me wondering.
I get into these phases of dreaming a lot, and then blank nights.
So right now, its a lot of dreams every alternate days.

And the craziest part is, I remember its detail long after.

I dreamt that I had gone to some exotic location. It was India, but looked like out of the world.
I dont know who I was with though, it was a male for sure.
A friend, a brother, a lover...identity of that person isnt something I grasped even in my dream

We are near a huge water bed, its a river with strong currents, not sea but river.
And afar I see a beautiful caravan on a boat. Its something I have never seen before. Lights, music, and I hear laughter and gaiety of people on that boat. Mind you, its a boat and not a ship. With an architecture not common for a boat, its a sight to behold.

I see it moving down with the current towards us, its still far.
 Its full of some hidden happiness, a forgotten possibility and I so long to be in it, at that very moment.
But its still very very far and I wait.
Suddenly I see that the boat is right in front of me, in my reach and I just have to take one small step to be inside.
My partner, whoever he is besides me, asks me to take a leap and be a part of the whole charismatic show. I am all set but suddenly I recall that someone had told me long back that this river has mirages. You see something in front of you which is not there. So don't get fooled and indulge in it.

I tell the same to my friend, but he says its all a myth and boat is right there and we should go in. I turn back to jump into it, and the boat which was closer, suddenly loses its color, from dark brown to pink and then to ashes and smoke and its gone as if it was never there.

I stand crestfallen yet thanking God that I waited for that one moment, when the reality dawned. I shudder at the thought of my plight, had I fallen into the traps of the beautiful mirage in front of me and washed away by the torrents. There is a deep sense of loss and disappointment in me, yet a brooding calm that I was saved.

Yet the beautiful real boat afar is still there and coming towards me, so I still have the flickering hope that someday I might get in.

And I wake up with an after-taste of this dream, mind clogged with various interpretations.

Je ne sais quoi

She cuddled herself and es-consed in a comfortable position with a book in her hands. Thats her favorite position, knees huddled in hands.

Specially in a train, she prefers no other business than reading and eventually sleeping. Sleeping does not come easy, but she waits for it. Till then she reads, as if reading is the last thread to hold on to, in life.

She abhors speaking to anyone while traveling. She likes being alone in her journey. All puns intended.

"Get the F*** out of here" - She suddenly hears this, from someone sitting right in front of her. It sounded like a very young guy. 22-23 maybe.

She usually hates people using the F word in front of a woman, so she buried herself deeper in her book, and wished the night came soon and she could go off to sleep and dint have to bear any small talk from anyone.

She is a bit of a recluse

"Are you working with Satyam?" - Its the same young guy's voice, but seems like its directed towards her.

She very reluctantly raises her head from her book, hoping its not for her.

But he is looking directly at her, and she cant but notice that he is strikingly good looking.

"Yes" - is her reply

She has learnt one thing in her life, about how to be around strangers(read it men).
- Do not say much, to show that they can ask you more and get comfortable with you.

- But at the same time, do not show disdain and aloofness, cos that arouses more dangerous and unwonted behavior from them, which she did not want to deal with.

So a "Yes" is what she thought appropriate and what she could muster.

He found it little wired that she dint even bother to know why and how he guessed that.
"Would you not like to know how I guessed that?" - He probed.

She quizzically looked at him, without saying anything

"Its the bag with the company's logo next to you. I was surprised when you said just a Yes. I felt that you looked the kind who would sarcastically say : Cant you see the bag? But looks like you don't bother" - He added with a smile.

She noticed he looked adorably vulnerable with that smile.Very unaware of its effect too

She then mentally tried to form an image of her, as to how she appeared to him at this moment.

She was in her Capri, and a t-shirt. Her hair was tied in a french braid. There was no make-up on, as it is with her in train journeys.

She does not expect much action and tries to prevent it too.

But this guy was different, he intruded without a sign of encouragement

People told her that she looked good with her hair loose.
She un-knowingly loosened her hair, and tilted her head in a way which gave the best profile shot of hers. The dimple shown generously and a soft jawline.

But the very next moment she was irritated with herself, for such a display of attention seeking behavior from her side

She pulled her hair back in a stern bun again, and slumped her head in the most ungracious way. Hoping to combat all her earlier efforts to look attractive.

She never thought herself to be someone who needed to seek attention from a man and this behavior of hers put her in a bad light, not to anyone but to herself and she needed to obliterate that.

She threw a glance his way, just to be assured that he was not noticing any of these changes.
But to her dismay she found him staring at her, not like a lecherous guy ogling at a woman but as someone who was trying to figure her out

And she knew the exact thoughts that might be going in his mind..
"God, She is so mysterious!"

She knew thats the impression she made on most people, in the very first meeting.

She could never fathom what men felt was mysterious about her? They thought she is reticent, and does not like to mix with people
But did they know she was always an amalgam of confusion, who was so caught in her own mesh of thoughts, that others cease to exist for her at times.
Is this what they they found mystifying?

But they dint know if something dint consume her, it dint interest her.

If she did not find a reason to laugh at their banal jokes, she would give back a stare, which they found profound?

She liked men in control, but they moment they tried controlling her, she would slip away..was that dis-concerting?
She could love a song to bits, yet hate it to its core..both together..did that make her inaccessible?

She dint know the answers, yet she knew people found her mysterious
Which made her shiver within, what is it that they found unfathomable, when she could get herself?
Was the inaccessible in her, her strength?

She was quite sure of such thoughts in his mind
YET, she did not know ONE thing

He knew exactly what was going on in her mind.
He knew she was wondering what makes her mysterious, he knew she could not grasp her own attractiveness

Yet there he was..

Falling in an abyss..
He was reaching out to his guts to stop himself from touching her
He was reasoning with his impulse to hate the same things which seemed so endearing to him
He was bewitched byan amalgam of confusion....for no reason explainable to her or to him

He was falling for her je ne sais quoi

To all those who can be-dazzle

"He said that I be-dazzled him. He could not think straight in my presence"

"How can someone be enamored by you?" - He sneered

She recoiled at his usual disgust for anyone who appreciated her

"Its cos he sees me, the way world can not..the way you could never"

"There is nothing much to see or discover. I was never overwhelmed by you"..oh damn his nonchalant tone, which he usually acquires when he is most threatened

"I overwhelm those who I wish to."
Will a cockroach ever admire intricacies of a human brain? - She bemused!

She felt sad for spending long years with a person who never saw her, she felt sad for not knowing what she had settled for..for so long

How could a person, blinded by his own inadequacies, make her feel cherished?
How could she find love in a person who was not fit enough to love even himself?
What is it she searched for in him...when he himself dint know his path?



They say I am proud, too proud
Does my pride offend them?
They want to kill my pride, in order for them to be alive?

They say I am either silent or loud, too silent or too loud
"Too" for whom? "Too" by whose standards?

All this, when I never even asked them for an opinion, in the first place

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.” – William blake

She feels as if she has been blown away..up in the air
Like an un-tethered kite, she flies up and up
No shackles to pull down, none to stop the ascent

The relationships, the drama, the love, the hatred
All are but a facade, which keeps going for life
Seeking your own self, is the ultimate aim
Seeking imageries of what you lost or never had

They say there is no place like home
But she makes a home of wherever she goes

If at the airport, reading a book and sipping coffee is bliss, thats home to her
If a kid flays arms and runs to her, just for a hug..that's home to her
Watching a movie with some tea and popcorn, gives her a home

Home is where the heart can find a moment's rest, and parched soul is rejuvenated
Home is where she chooses it to be!

To all those who can be-dazzle

"He said that I be-dazzled him. He could not think straight in my presence"

"How can someone be enamored by you?" - He sneered

She recoiled at his usual disgust for anyone who appreciates her

"Its cos he sees me, the way world can not..the way you could never"

"There is nothing much to see or discover. I was never overwhelmed by you"..oh damn his nonchalant tone, which he usually acquires when he feels most threatened!

"I overwhelm those who I wish to."
Will a cockroach ever admire intricacies of a human brain? - She bemused!


They say I am proud, too proud
Does my pride offend them?
They want to kill my pride, in order for them to be alive?

They say I am either silent or loud, too silent or too loud
"Too" for whom? "Too" by whose standards?

All this, when I never even asked them for an opinion, in the first place

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.” – William blake

I dont get her!

She has eradicated all human emotions, picked them one by one and cut them off..washed them down the drains
But this anger, this raging anger..never seems to die

Its as if all that was in her, all her beauty and her mystery..found roots in anger

She sometimes wonders if its posisble that when her concept came to Bramha, Shiva was doing tandav? And thats how all the anger in the world conglomerated in her!

She sometimes tries to think of people and reasons of this anger and everything points to her.

She has realised that there is no anger on anyone, no blame games..its her own self which fills her with anger
Everything that went wrong, everyone who did wrong was cos she permitted it..

At times this thought is like a balmy breeze, cos its fun to find yourself in command, the center of all the reasons

And other days she does not know what to feel..cos she cant possibly hate herself..she is too much in love with herself!

And she kept searching..
                          ...Being sure only of what she did not want!

Laughter

She does not smile much, laughter comes rarely to her
People think she is snooty, but there was an issue with her
Smiling seemed like an exercise, everytime she tried doing it...for other's sake

The stretching of muscles and getting a twinkle in the eyes, required lot of effort on her part
When people would be splitting with laughter and falling on each other, she felt lost in their mirth
Noone understood why she doesn't smile, but one look at her and they would all stop laughing. They felt silly in her presence, to laugh like that...

Sometimes she thought she could give it a try, laugh with them, even if the laughter did not reach her heart
But each time she tried, she was moved to tears, she could not play that lie with herself..and with them

So when he told her today - "Your laugh-less face is something I find very attractive..I like trying to find a hint of smile..genuine smile on you..its worth all the effort", since then she has been smiling for no reason

Its like laughter is rippling through her, in her veins, all the way to her soul

She laughs all alone, effortlessly -
      while making tea..watching tv...walking on the road..roaming in the malls

She laughs in the bus, on the terrace, at work in front of the monitor
Every one around her seems to laugh back at her

And now she is trying to find a way to stop this maddening laughter, to cure this effervescent happiness

Moments

"Why do you always crack such presumptuous cliched jokes?" - She said in her usual irritated manner

Whenever she spoke like that, it cut across somewhere close to his heart, like a cold knife..always
This indifference and haughtiness in her, emptied him of everything which he wanted to tell her..it reminded him of darkest things..things he could not place his finger on but were reminders of all those times which made him feel desolate and lonely..it struck some abyss in his mind..always

- "You dont have any sense of humour" - He tried regaining his posture and say this with a flair and appear unmoved

-"you dont know a thing about humour..you are not funny ever..so please dont try it" - there was a hint of smile on her face..the kind of smile he despised

The very thing which he despised in her..puller him to her...it was like this feeling of vertigo..a free fall into a place called "her" where he could rest or die

"Just cos you dont feel like laughing at my jokes does not mean no one feels like" - while saying this he felt so small,almost like a petulant child..and he would have hated someone else who spoke like that... yet he just had to...cos in front of her he turned into someone he loathed himself

"Then crack them for someone who likes it"..her chilly voice resonated though she was almost not there.

She sipped her coffee..while he craved to gather this moment in his heart..to keep it intact somewhere..and wished to revel in this captured moment, where she sips her coffee with child like innocence and there is scent of her, mixed with the rain kissed soil

"You dont even look at me when you talk..you dont even like me a bit..then why the hell do you meet me" - He broke his own reverie..maybe to take away all the softness which he felt for her a moment ago

She looked at him now..the kind of look one gives when one is not actually looking at the person

"Cos of this image of me entangled in your eyes"

Knowing her

She can not make small talk with women
She does not know of things they talk of
The recipe...the mother-in-laws..the kids..
It does not interest her

But she knows
She can enthrall anyone, who is her kind
She can dance like no other woman can
Given a stage..where she is the goddess

she hates it when people say "take care"
She wonders why people even bother to say such cliched things
She never learnt to say such words

She cant differentiate between mild flirting and immense liking
If she thinks someone is capable to be flirted with,
Then this someone is the one she could truly like, for whatever time that is

She does not believe in being friends with anyone
she does not believe in friendship..with anyone
This whole charade of friendship puts her off!

She loves the word "promisicuous"..it has a ring to it
A charm and a tantalizing effect

She expects the world from people..
she wants magic to happen..
she wants people to cancel their important meetings..miss their flights to be with her..
She wants them to do something out of their character..

But on the face of it...she lets it all go..till these expectations sit like a big weight on her head

All she can do, when she feels an overwhelming emotion is
Downcast her eyes and fight to control her tears

Or sometimes just give an awkward hug
hung somewhere..never culminating in a true hug

And she does not believe in loving anyone anymore
Love is just her whim

Its a platter which she can decorate with the person she feels like..

She is always pressed for time..always
She can not afford to concentrate on anything anymore
Everything is fleeting..

Maybe cos she believes in life being fleeting and wants to grasp all that she can
Or maybe..nothing registers for a moment longer in her mind

She rushes through the day...always thinking what lies ahead..whats next to be done..whats next to combat

If she is at work..she is thinking of household things..if watching tv..she is juggling between laptop and tv..trying to grab both..but doesn't seem to register either

So today, when she was hurrying in front of the mirror..getting ready to go out..something in her eyes caught her..her own image...

Maybe what caught her attention was the innocence in her eyes..which she thought she had lost..

And she wondered..when was the last time she felt so beautiful..and could not remember
A long long time ago

She just wants to be left alone.
Alone..totally completely
Not a single soul..people are the main cause of all anguish

She can not bear to see any faces, hear any sound
Maybe..just a baby's gurgle..Pure like flowing water

This whole armour of relationships
which she had built around her, and reveled in its richness
seems to be shredding its leaves

She feels hatred has clawed deep inside her
Sucking up all the sweetness
Making their home in every part of her body
Filling all crevices and making her into something she never thought herself to be

It feels good to hate and just hate
Seclude herself from everyone..

Cos its going to be her..just her at the end of it all

She is cutting all chords, the one closest to her heart are the first ones to go
With clinical prcision..
With a hope..maybe she will be born again

Open her eyes to another world..different people..but with her very same soul
Which loves the way it does now..which beats the way it does now
Just a different set of people maybe!

A conversation

"You thought I could have ever loved you?"

"So you used me?"

"I don't want to ans you..."

"I need an ans!"

"Well..you were ready for this..so you cant blame me.."

"What the hell do you mean??"

"You were ready to fall in the abyss..that I led you into..now don't you dare act prudent about it"

"!!!!!..why the hell do you hate me so?"

"How can you want everything so perfect..how can you know all the details to the centimeter?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well..you just seem to know everything about everything..the rum was just 60 mm left..the lamp was placed to the left when we left last.."

"Soooooo??"

"There is no mystery with you..there is no chaos..everything is in order"

'And you hate it??"

"yes !! I hate order in life...you make me feel as if everything was planned..why cant you ever falter?"

"Cos I just know things..cos I consider all outcomes.."

"Then why dint you consider the outcome..that I could totally fall out of love..out of you?"

"Cos I believed in me..in us"

"Huhhhh Us??!!!!whats 'us' here? I am me and you are you...did you ever realize this truth?"

"Dint you ever feel anything for me"

"I did...maybe just for a while..when there was a mystery about u..when I could sense a feeling of possibility..when I could believe in my dreams..and believed you fitted them.."

"I am the same..what happened then sweetheart?"

"You happened..in its finality!"

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing..just be yourself..yet make me want you again and again...make me feel the rush in my veins..make me remember the forgotten songs...make me feel like a girl from yesterday..."

Just a mad day!

We cry..cos we want things! We feel angry..cos we belive we are entitled to happiness! We feel sad..cos we think we deserve the best.we feel dejected..cos we compare.

SOOOOO..how will it be if we think we don't deserve anything..or if we feel happy for whatever others have got..and it does not matter if we get all the love, money and care in this world??
Would be fun I guess..when you no longer disassociate yourself and your happiness from happiness of others..when you want things beyond the realm of self-gratification

Well..she is having such thoughts cos she is in a state of delirium today..
Sometimes a day seems like a fight..and every single person seems to cause anxiety to her...
She feels she is dealing with too much all alone..house..work..and the growing heat!
She is running fever and misses someone to fuss over her..not that people dont care or dont ask..but just that special warmth..which comes only with an overpowering love..maybe she is missing her mom

She feels she has stopped throwing tantrums..cos she knows there is noone to bear it..she has stopped demanding things..cos there is noone to fulfill..she does not feel she has the right at anything..cos there is noone who will stand by her, in all her eccentricities
She wonders if we do need that someone..or is the need created by seeing others having that comfort with another person..where they can be themselves!

She thinks too much and speaks so less now..

The only solace she has is..one day all this will be gone..nothing is permanent..this transience brings her peace!

But just sometimes..she wants a heart..where her own heart can rest..safe and smug!

Do I know you...

The new me and the new you
Do we know each other?

Was it you...or was it my creation
Was it you..as it existed for me
Special..beautiful...genuine and love-able?

Did you have to be all that...and draw me to U..
And then make me realize..it was all a fiction?


I don't know..I don't need to

But what I do know is....you are not someone I should have known
You are not someone...I should have loved
You were not what I began to look for

Yet..I found you
In ways..neither you or I can figure out why..

You took me to a height..and then dropped me into an abyss
You cant try pulling me back so many times..I don't resurrect always

I wish I had vertigo..to be scared of even an attempt to reach that height!
But what I do have is - self-destructive instincts
Which makes me want you..again and again!

In rememberence

She feels like a parody of herself
trying to get the same exuberance back..which existed so naturally in her
trying to sing the same songs..which played on her lips all the time

She forgot how her eyes gleamed
how her foot danced
how her heart sang...the melody was long forgotten
But not so long maybe..she sometimes can still hear the reminiscent sounds

The head tilts the same way at times
The coquettish-ness comes back to her

Wooing the world..wooing herself..
Wooing the mystery that was her!

You said you will die without talking to me
Why are you not dead now?

Memories

At times the memories
Just clutch her heart in a tight grip
Unaware..unwanted
And squeeze it hard..make it devoid of its resilience
Making her pant hard for a breath of air..
Stifled, zapped, unguarded she stands..against the blow of a whiff of memory

Slowly her heart gathers its wit...comes back in shape
She breathes..she smiles again
Happy to let go ghosts of memories..

If Only!

He was couple of years younger to her...and a junior in college
But right from the very first day she saw him..she knew there was something about him..and she also knew that he could sense the same

Though they barely spoke in the very 1st meeting..he was a little zombied fresher..and she was surrounded by her friends..and was a senior

And then in the next few months her life changed..as if all that she thought of love,all her naive feelings and innocent dreams, were coming alive..She was singing all her unsung songs..

She woke up with his thoughts in mind..drifted along the day in a dream..slept smiling at the world with his thoughts again
Everything she did, this constant feeling of him being around was there..maybe he would come to the canteen..or maybe she would see him running down the stairs..

They both knew there was something special goign on...even while she talked with him of other guys and he about other women...teasing..flirting..laughing..singing

He was like a part of her..yet so different from her..the beautiful medley of contradictions

And one day, when she was leaving that place for ever..having finished her course..he asked her out..and while they were together he held her hand for one brief moment..maybe a few seconds..and as if something melted within..she felt like an alien to herself...alien to this new feeling which was overpowering her

Then she left the place..and he wrote letters to her..but she dint know what she wanted out of this..she dint know if she could survive this love that she felt inside..but all the while, she couldnt think of anything else

And one day..when they met..and he said "I have a cursh on you..you must have sensed..tell me were you ever attracted to me in any way?"

And she lied...

cos she knew truth would land her somewhere she wasnt comfortable being..she wasnt comfortable being in love...so she said "No never", with as placid a face as she could manage
That was the biggest lie of her life...
On that he said "Thats ok..I wont keep in touch now cos I dont want to deal with one sided feeling".
She wanted to revert the whole thing..to let go of her inhibitions and tell him she has no other thought in her mind but him, since the time she met him..

but she wouldnt..that wasnt meant to be

And even today she wonders..would things be different if she had answered differently..should she regret?

On a hindsight she feels..it ended as it was meant to..beautiful as long as it existed