Sauve?!

Once you scrape the layers of these polished men
You can clearly see the most base of human
The finesse they so strongly project, was a pathetic attempt to shield the nastiness
You just have to bare their inner most complexes and insecurities

And there they are, in their obscene form
Saying things which you have heard from villains and loafers in a movie

Makes you cringe, wipe your eyes , remove the tinted glasses and exclaim "So this is you!"

Gives a feeling  which can be put to rest only by the mighty me, the uncaring me, the me which is beyond trivia

And I shall smile then and say "So what if this is you...I always knew..and I will always be better :)"

Feminist?

I was filling up some applications for some official stuff and there was a column which said

Father's name :-
Husband's name (if applicable) ;-

I , as per habit, cut off the husband part and wrote my father's name and carried on with other sections of the form.
In a few seconds it struck me that I do have a husband now and realised I might have to re-do this page and got a little miffed about the re-work.

And in that moment I realised whats this whole thing about a woman having to write father's or husband's name? What does it warranty?

So a mother or a wife has no bearing in anything official? Why doesn't a form ever ask for their names? They do not have an identity or presence strong enough in your lives to be required on a form?

Sometimes I wonder why do I hold on to things like this? Why cant I just accept that it is after all a man's world and do whats required without gumption?

Well, if I could do that..it would not be me

My other sister's are not like me, and they also tell me that there are things I should let go, as a woman.

Why do I strive for an equiality in every sphere?Why does it bother me so much that I can ruin it all, just to retain that image of justice in my brain?

I guess there are parts of you, which are away from genes, from up-bringing, from siblings, from the country you are born in

Does that categorize me as "Feminist"..hell if it does! Aiming for euqlaity has names in this world?
Some people derive pleasure in calling someone a "feminist" as if its some abuse..I pity at the mentality of such people who chose to be less humane and blame it on someone who tries to be more?

Sometimes I feel my sense of equality and freedom and  individuality will be my end!
So be it!!!

Some people feel important only if they are making someone's life hell

Thats how some people get a kick in their otherwise mundane life.

There is this person in my office, I can not disclose the whole identity of that person since he has found my blog too. But lets just say, he is someone whose opinion and whims can affect me.

And it did finally.

He was tad over-friendly initially, which I first thought as a trait in some people, and ignored.
Then he started calling me for some mentoring sessions , and we would have these 2 hours session, where 1.45 hours would be all inane stuff. As to how his married life sucks, how his extra curricular activities make him different from the rest, how he has brought up his kids marvelously, how he is such an outdoor person but wife is an indoor person and they always have conflict because of that, and how his neighbor is such a competition for him since he cares so much for his own wife that there is always the comparison.And how in the end he and his wife "kiss and make up". Those are his exact words, which made me uncomfortable too.

But I refused to believe that all this saga is cos I am a woman and he wants to spend some time with me.
I even fought with my then fiance, for insinuating any such thing.

Then he started messaging me on office IM, which grew creepy with time.

Well, he had me googled, and unfortunately google shows a lot of information about me.

So he first IMs me about my grand father (which one of my online profile states in full detail), feigns the fact that he knows he is my grand father, asks me if I could get books by him if I go to my home town. Also mentions he is such a big fan of my grand father (well he never mentioned that he knew he is my grand father)

At this very moment I knew he has his data on me.
Then came the story about my secret talent as a dancer, that he has his sources and he knows that about me.
What was he thinking..I am a  dud?

But since the hierarchy is such, I played along and feigned surprise.
And finally he called me to a room and told me that he knows I have a gift of writing. It was getting nauseating for me and I wanted to punch his face, but kept smiling and tolerating.

What I dint anticipate was that announcement of my marriage would change things drastically.

The day I announced, his whole persona took a 180 degree shift.
He refused my leaves, asked me to work till a day before marriage. Which obviously I could not.

When I came back from wedding, he did not bother to even congratulate me. Just called me for a meeting and told me that I would have to go on "Loss of Pay" for all the days I did not come to work, while I was away for my oen wedding.

And if you know me, you know that my temper and intolerance for injustice comes in my way always. So did it this time. I had a massive show down with him, in front of another colleague (who was clueless as to why all the bickering) and I walked out of the meeting

I was aghast at how a married man(15 years of marriage) could hope to have anything with me. What did he think? That I have avoided marriage for so log, to have an extra marital affair with a person whose face resembles a buffalo? What was his game? He manages to be married with a sane woman who is taking care of his house, he should thank his stars for that. Not raise his bars any further.

Finally I decided its in my best interest to resign, since anyways I would be moving out of this city soon.
And now I am jobless in 13 years, not knowing what to do with all the time I have in hand.
Little depressed, little out of sorts.

My blog my solace.

But I am sure, I will finally find my groove

His scent - for one more season

She does not love to be loved, but just as whim
Being desirous suffices her needs

She looks at men with her kohl-ed eyes
In her Velvety heel and black shimmer dress

she can find gaps in any man, from where she can slip

She says..the wanting look in men in truthful
Not the love they wear on their sleeves

They have all loved her secret strength
Not knowing she had always been in love with a weakness

But strange things happen with her always
The more she gets detached, the more men try to get her attached
The false stability makes her further unstable in her mind

She hates to stare at her mobile for someone's name
Nameless faces make her feel  alive now

She knows the game of seduction finally tilts things
One way or another,

She knows, men will get her addicted to something, and take that away
So the only addiction she trusts now is of alcohol and desire

Some women are meant to be lonely
Men have seized to be what she wanted them to be
A tryst with herself, a lump in her throat

There has always been..
This desperate need to look for someone who is in touch with himself..
So that he can touch her soul some day

For men, her mystery ends in her body, never before and never after
She carries her mystery with herself, never willing to part

She does not believe in greatness in men, mere thought disquiets her
Its the smallness in them that lets her be what she wants to be

She has been hugged many a times, sometimes for the body
Sometimes for the sake of commitment and objectification
But nothing in synch with her, nothing of the hugs she misses

All this rigmarole, cos she tried finding his scent elsewhere, but could not
She would never know what a life with him would have been, or if any of it was worth it

The scent of belonging, the scent of her womanhood
She has not blushed in eons

It's a man's world

Yes it is!
In-spite of all the efforts, all feminism, all this sho-sha about women being equal..there are numerous ways and things in our system which ultimately make you feel so.

I have been planning for a trip abroad. When I applied for VISA, I got a checklist of things to be submitted. One of which said:
   - An NOC(No objection certificate) from husband, if married.
That irked me, but since I dint need to bother about it, I went ahead and provided NOC from my company.

The travel agent lady who was arranging for my VISA, went thru all my documents and sheepishly said: "Can you arrange an NOC from your father also, since you are a single female?"
I frowned and asked "But I have given you from my company, and I am not a minor"
To that she said "We dont want to take chances and sometimes VISA people might ask for it"
I further asked, with chagrin "And if I were a single male, that would not have been necessary?"

She promptly replied "No. no..not for males"
I stared at her in disbelieve and must have borne the most hideous expression, since she just smiled at me in exasperation(with a look saying, this is how the system goes)

I mean, what kind of crap is this? I am a full blown adult, who has been providing for my parents too, in small ways..yet I need to provide all that cos I am a single woman?

What if I am a tyrant and ask my husband on gun point to give me NOC, or torture my father to provide me an NOC? How the hell will they validate?

This stupid system we are in & this stupid country(or maybe its the same everywhere)

Anyways, all that bullshit had to be borne by me and had to provide everything, for all the pleasure that awaits me

So Yes, I am off

To a place with mountains

Where the smell of cheese and chocolates is in the air

And intoxication of wine pervades the nights

I hope to find a lost piece of my heart there

Bye and laterz.. with pics and details of the trip(Just wish that weather remains as good as it is right now, and no rains)

I feel I am averse to human interaction. I try to minimize human interaction in my life, in strange ways

At work, if someone calls me for coffee, I make excuses not to be with them.
If I am waiting for the lift, and I see more people, I tend to take stairs. I feel suffocated being in that small place with possibility of another human touching me
I avoid calls, from one and all
My boss has told me umpteen times to be cordial, yet I can not be

I feel like having a circle of protection around me, thru which people see me, but can not come near..
Its like I am trying to pave my way thru life's garbage, by sweeping them aside

But as you know, garbage has a tendency to splash itself on you
I get a speck of dirt, and I feel dirty like hell..for the mere fact that I tried protecting myself so much against it

And for a moment I wish to indulge in that dirt, to set it right, to put it in place
But if you know dirt, its not ashamed of itself, it regales in its shamelessness and crassness, and for the mere fact of lack of shame, dirt has the immense possibility of ruining you

And why do I wish to reduce humans in life?
Its cos I feel anyone else is just a mood dampener, some or the other time they will surely do that. But they will not be there to uplift my spirits, its only I and solely I who can do that to myself

So I guess someone is in your life, just for themselves, just for the fact what you bring to them, never for you, never for what you want from them

For me this blog world was that world away from that mess of humans
But gradually it has ceased to be..for it has proven to be means for unwanted interactions by absurd creatures
Its been causing me more anguish than the real world

Maybe its time to stop, and think and rejuvenate

I dont know if I can, since I am addictive by nature

I see women who devote themselves to their marriage, husband and the likes
They are not in love with their husbands, yet they try to keep themselves pure

I see men, who sleep around, not in love with anyone, wife or the other woman, yet try to put the blame on the other woman who thought it was all love

What does it make me feel about men in general..no riddle
I have known the innocence..and now I know the charade
Its enough for me to want nothing more from life, than what it has already laden me with

But then there have been people who have loved me here, who have been with me many a times, should I let them down?

So Let me re-think, let me reorganize, let me resurrect..till then..just help me with it..and let me decide if I wish to share anything to this world, which is a farce...

Sometimes I feel like cradling myself like I cradle my nephew, and rock myself and whisper "its all a nightmare..it will end..you will be in your fairy land again"

And yes, to hell with women's day..once again...again and again

Oh these fathers..I tell you!

A question to all you women, whether you also have experienced this one thing, which is very common amongst all young fathers of cute toddlers.
I will explain what that thing is now.

I am very wary of it..

I love kids to an obsessive edge. These sweet looking things, engrossed in their own world, invite you into theirs..and I enter it without abandon
It does not matter whose kid it is, my sister's, or maid's, or complete stranger's I see on the streets

But sometimes it becomes a nuisance. Cos my liking is pretty vocal and I go out of my way at times, which can lead to unwanted repercussions.

For example, when you try to ogle at a cute one in a mall, without knowing that you are giving the young father(who might be carrying the child) this feeling that you might be ogling at him. And they would start petting their kid, like a show business, to maybe gain your attention

If you see a child alone in a park and try to sweet-chat him/her, the father will suddenly develop extreme fondness for his kid at the same time and in the disguise of love for his own child, would try to start some small talk with you(provided wife is not in sight, or even if she is, this is such a harmless act, isn't it?)

So many a times I check myself before I go overboard with my emotions.

The floor where I live in my apartment, has kids, between the age group of 2-10, in each house, except mine. I usually dont mix much with anyone there, as for most part of the day I am not home. Another thing why I dont mix is cos a single woman is seen as a threat by many married women, so I try avoiding any such animosity and keep to myself.

There is this extremely cuddly 2 year old, and one day when I came out of my flat to go for work, I saw him playing with a ball near my door. I also noticed that his house door, which was straight down the alley from my door, was open and his father was sitting there watching him.

So I just moved towards the lift, without pulling his cheeks, which I felt like.
But I hid behind the wall to see this kid's adorable antics.

He was kicking the ball with his legs, and then getting baffled at how the ball moved away and then running behind it. Each time he came close to the ball, his feet would somehow kick it, and ball would go rolling, and the kid would run behind it with a bewildered and frustrated face, as he was trying to catch the ball.

At one point, the kid looked so deliciously sweet that I forgot the father was watching him from his door and came out of my hiding place to play with the kid.

And lo and behold, this act of mine was like a trigger or stimuli for the father. Seeing me, he got up from his seat and started moving towards the kid.

I had couple of seconds to think of my next move, before the father reached me and the kid.
I stood transfixed for a moment.
There was a tug of war between my liking for the kid and my distaste for the unnecessary interaction with the father(which I anticipated based on my experience).

But my distaste won, I did an about turn, and without waiting for the lift to reach, ran down the stairs.

Single and Independent

I have been hospital-hopping for the last 2 days. I have visited 3 doctors and 2 hospitals in a span of 2 days.

Its not a survey I am doing, but as usual my stomach. I had to miss my Pondicherry trip cos of this. That trip which I had forced others to plan with me and finally I had to drop out

And whats the consequence of all those blood tests etc ? - "Essentially Normal". As usual, which we found even 2 years back

Its some mysterious undiagnosed thing, which burns me out completely.

And sometimes its conversations with some doctors which ticks me off!

Here is one with one of the doctors I met yesterday:-
"Whats your age"
I tell my age
"Single or married"
I - "Single"
He - "I admire your independence"

Strange isnt it? That a woman of certain age, and single is perceived as independent. As if, its something commendable.

Which age are we still in?

So how about a man who can still be ten years elder than me and a bachelor? Yet no one would say the word "independent" for him. Being single for a man is ordinary and routine thing, but for a woman an achievement?

Men can survive without a woman, but a woman doing it attaches a label to herself "independent","admirable". I find it so funny and hypocritical!

I think a man as much needs a woman, as a woman needs a man

And about the doctor, he was least interested in any of my issues but kept asking me personal questions. When I mentioned that I need medicines for some issue, he would scribble some medicine in the prescription and continue asking me weird questions.

He gave me a big lecture on why I should stop alcohol and he also got into chemical formulae of how alcohol is made!!

Thankfully my cousin was there so he could not continue with his questions but has called me again this Saturday,maybe to discuss my love-life.

I dont think I will go, cos I dont need to learn anything from a man who isnt treating me for my disease but trying to psyche me.

I think I know much better about life than such male doctors who show unnecessary and unethical interest in their female patients.

I read this quote somewhere, is that true?

“She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..”
           ~ Masashi Kishimoto

Learnings from men

I have learnt lots of things in life, mostly from men I have met
Here are my learnings:

1. Never attach much value to the gentle touch, smell and conversations..they are with you for a lark

2,If they suddenly touch you at the small of your back, dont feel all protected and loved, its a technique they have mastered and learnt that it works on women

2. Dont swoon if they sing something beautiful to you, out of the blue...its not your song to claim..it might be sung to someone else too..its just their whim that they decide to dedicate it to you,at some point in their life

3. If they say the sweetest things to you, or text you something which makes you smile amidst all adversaries, DONT get enchanted and swoon over it.
They are just rehearsing their flirting and woman-wooing skills on you
You might be their Guinea pig!!

4.They just see a fantasy in you, an idea, something to project their hidden insecurities on. Its not you..never you!

I can only hope to un-learn most of it some day....

Ma, there are wolves outside

I have always been wary of seeing a group of men laughing and joking around.
It used to scare the shit out of me and I used to freeze in my tracks.

The city I belong to, has a massive image for eve-teasing. And I have borne the brunt of it zillion times

One of the main concerns in my life, as a teenager, used to be : how to move around without a male escort

I remember my morning tussle with Ma, to let go of the male helper, so that he can accompany me till bus stand

Whether I had to go to the college and catch an auto, or go out to be with a friend..
There were always some group of guys out there to beat the shit out of me

It could happen just outside the house, within a few feet's' distance
I had to change my lanes, change the path many a times, just to avoid such encounters

One could be practically molested on the streets in broad daylight. Whether you are in a rickshaw or an auto..you were constantly in danger of being touched, pounced, squeezed, pinched
And not to talk about the verbal assaults one had to bear...one has to really let oneself go dumb, to be able to bear all that

The same followed in my post-grad. I was in a prestigious institute in my state, where there were 8 boys hostels compared to just 2 girls hostels.

We had a time of our lives each day, when we had to cross the boys' hostels, from our girl's hostel, to reach the insti.
we had branded some of the hostel numbers as "THE WORST" ones, and we would force ourselves to go dumb, deaf, stoic...every time we crossed these hostels

We would close our eyes, clutch our books to our bosoms, and hold each other's hands and just speak to each other and say "Dont listen to them, its Ok" and cross these hostels, while the guys would be ready to jump from their terrace, barking like dogs..all sorts of blasphemies..

We had accepted it as a regular thing in our lives. Whether we went to canteen or performed on stage, we just knew that all we would get is whistles, cat calls etc...but that dint stop us from enjoying ourselves

Educated, or un-educated..men have more or less made me feel the same

And right here in Bangalore, while I was coming back from work, my hands full of grocery shopping, it happened
Just outside my house, 20 feet away..2 guys on a bike crossed me and pulled at me

I could not do a thing. My hands were full of bags, and even though I shouted..they just turned around and gave me a hideous smile..

And supposedly I stay in a posh colony, and Bangalore is supposed to be a safe place?

I hope men realise some day what such acts does to us. The helplessness, the sudden burst of tears, the insult and a creepy disgusting feeling which stems from being a woman and not being able to control things!

Even now, seeing a group of guys together... having a laugh, makes me very uneasy..even at this stage of my life

So just a few days back, I had to make a presentation to my team in a conference room.
When I stood outside and looked in, I saw office mates, all laughing and joking amongst themselves, and for a fraction of a second my hands stopped at the door knob and I gasped : "There are guys inside!"

But the very next second I dismissed the thought and told myself "This is office and nothing can happen here", and entered the room.

This just made me realise that our teenage is never over.
All our insecurities we build back then, we carry remnants of it..for life..everywhere

Women are complicated..isnt that what we hear from every man..isnt that what we are made to feel each time we dont like something about men?

My foot!

Men are as complicated as us but they are cowards. As they cant deal with anything which makes them go to the recess of their minds.
They dont wish to address anything which makes them question their actions or a situation

Thats why they are so happy diverting their energy to sports, politics, video games, new gadgets..and everything which is not human.
By human I mean people living around them, with them.

Nothing is as simple as men make it out to be, and nothing is as complicated as men think we are..

Its just our ability to deal with minutest of our feelings..to get to the core of things..to understand things as they stand(and not as others might want us to understand), which brands us as complicated.

The other word for complicated could be brave.

Lets all agree to this, Amen!

Anna's love

"My love keeps growing more passionate and egoistic, while his is waning and waning, and that's why we're drifting apart." She went on musing. "And there's no help for it. He is everything for me, and I want him more and more to give himself up to me entirely. And he wants more and more to get away from me. We walked to meet each other up to the time of our love, and then we have been irresistibly drifting in different directions. And there's no altering that. He tells me I'm insanely jealous, and I have told myself that I am insanely jealous; but it's not true. I'm not jealous, but I'm unsatisfied. But..." she opened her lips, and shifted her place in the carriage in the excitement, aroused by the thought that suddenly struck her. "If I could be anything but a mistress, passionately caring for nothing but his caresses; but I can't and I don't care to be anything else. And by that desire I rouse aversion in him, and he rouses fury in me, and it cannot be different. Don't I know that he wouldn't deceive me, that he has no schemes about Princess Sorokina, that he's not in love with Kitty, that he won't desert me! I know all that, but it makes it no better for me. If without loving me, from duty he'll be good and kind to me, without what I want, that's a thousand times worse than unkindness! That's—hell! And that's just how it is. For a long while now he hasn't loved me. And where love ends, hate begins.

"And is there any new feeling I can awaken between him and me? Is there possible, if not happiness, some sort of ease from misery? No, no!" she answered now without the slightest hesitation. "Impossible! We are drawn apart by life, and I make his unhappiness, and he mine, and there's no altering him or me. Every attempt has been made, the screw has come unscrewed. Aren't we all flung into the world only to hate each other, and so to torture ourselves and each other? " she thought.
"I thought, too, that I loved him, and used to be touched by my own tenderness. But I have lived without him, I gave him up for another love, and did not regret the exchange till that love was satisfied." And with loathing she thought of what she meant by that love. And the clearness with which she saw life now, her own and all men's, was a pleasure to her.
            Anna Karenina ~ Leo Tolstoy

Is it the story of all women in love? Their love going stronger and men's love waning..or is it the story of all two hearts who were involved with each other anytime? One's love growing in leaps and bounds and another's receding at the same rate(probably cos of the very reasons).
Reading this I felt as if I have said the exact same things to someone , of intensities being inversely proportional

Makes me think why and how this happens?

Maybe cos the base reason for falling in love with someone is inherently flawed.

I never fall for the niceties of a person, I dont fall for a guy who does charity and helps a blind person cross street. I might admire and respect that person, but love has reasons known only to the heart.
The moment you reason, you undermine the very essence of love, of its purity

I will fall in love with the way you smile, the groove in your voice which stirs the unknown in me, your ability to crack me up with the most mundane things, that look on your face when you look at me,your vulnerability, your intelligence, the innocence which makes you impulsive and arrogant but not a stereo-type, your passion for life and for me. Yes, your passion for me, will be my driving force till the end of my life...

So if your eyes remain the same, your voice can still upheaval chords in my soul, the way you look at me never tires me..how can I ever stop loving you?

Man,Woman and Sports

Why do men make it such a grand show about sports?
Why is it such a great thing to be drowned in any kind of sports, than to watch a stupid(As per them) soap or reality show?

Does watching sports make you a Sachin or a Nadal?
NO! You are just getting a vicarious pleasure out of watching something you could not do..or someone you could not become
You probably try to regale in some cherished and much coveted moments of fame, which you never lived..

Why is it that your love of sports has to be applauded and is considered manly..and women's love for movies/chatting/soaps/songs is considered as stupid/un-important and a wash out

So much so that poor women try to feign interest in sports, just to feel one with the men around..they try to exhibit immense interest and take pride in following cricket/tennis or anything which makes them valuable or interesting to men(I know some women who just read up the sports section in newspaper to just show how much they know, without any genuine interest)

Whats with all this sports thing? A bat hitting a ball, or a racket hitting a ball or a human hitting a ball..in the end it boils down to just balls!

I have no qualms in saying that sports does not interest me or possess me. As a teenager I used to watch a lot of it at home, which was primarily because of my father's passion. His child like interest in telling us everything about things he knows, teaching us the rules of various games like tennis, cricket and chess (half of his time is spent now on playing on-line chess), that we had grown fond of it.

But after being on my own I realised I would not switch on ten-sports just cos some vague match between some vague teams is happening. My interests lie more in reading, dancing and writing. And I don't see any one's interest in anything, a parameter of that person's qualities.

I find somone interesting cos of many things apart from these. Even a very well-read person can be a big bore, and vice verse.

Recently I read in some blogs about something called "gender-prototype". It was a post where all women bloggers were having a take on how they do things which makes them less of a woman and more of a man. Some of them were outrageous and irritating to the core.

Anything cant qualify as a "men-special" or "women-special"..and there is no pride in anything bratti-sh, like : - Not knowing how to cook(Though I am not practically great at it but I see it more of a handicap than anything to boast of)

Have you ever read about a man boasting of how he qualifies for gender-prototype and
is so much a woman at heart? I have not!

In the mind of a married man

We all know men like to hunt and women like to nest.

But then, how long can one hunt..isnt their a time to nest and rest?
Maybe not for men (and no man is an exception here, even if some men dont do it outright, each one of them strays in their minds..and women have to just deal with it)

The ones who marry young, are worse than the ones who marry late
Thats cos these men have not had their share of women in their lives (its very important for them to have more than one woman in their lifetime), and they feel caged and suffocated, once the tag of "married" is stuck on them

They look at the easiest and the meekest possible reason to stray

The trigger for such thoughts today is this married friend of mine, whom I re-connected after a gap of 10 years and have broken the connection once again

Its strange to think that this guy was someone I had a small "something" with..
Well it wasnt much. He was my junior in college, and we hit it off really well.

There was always this under-current of attraction in our friendship..the long distance calls and the late night talks et al.
He used to say things I could have grabbed and built on it..but I have always been this non-committal sort..there is always this "fear of finality" in my mind

He was a smooth talker, and I enjoyed talking to him.But when he actually came close to proposing me,I retracted.I denied that I felt anything more than friendship, though those days I thought of nothing but him.

And now when I think back, it must have been pre-monition of some sort
In the heart of my heart I must have known that this is not what will work for me, though at that time I really went thru a phase of immense longing for something I could have had, but chose not to

So after 10 years, I looked him up on FB and in the very 1st go found the right person by his name.(But trust me on this, that all my earlier feelings were totally non-existent).
He was married and so much in love(thats what he boasted of)

We started messaging and chatting and since both of us were in the US at that time, he asked for my number and we spoke a couple of times

But then the tone of the calls started getting more than friendly , and as much as I tried to avoid his flirtatious comments, they kept flowing

"I was reminded of you when I saw Genelia in 'Jaane tu ya jaane na'..her eyes and her smile"
- "Yeah many told me this" (Phew!! avoided this!)
"Do you recall that train journey we had together, do you remember those songs we sung?"
- "Yeah..so tell me how you met A(his wife)" - (Come on..stop this playing around with me..I thought I knew you better..please dont make me lose respect in you)
All this while he was all the time harping about how his wife is so precious to him.

I think men think of us women as fools, who would be impressed by the fact that you love your wife, at the same time would fall for all these compliments you shower on us. I could have very easily snapped the conversation and given this person a piece of my mind, had it not been for the past connection. Your past and youth has such an effect on you.

So While we were on this chatting-flirting-avoiding business, I noticed for a period of 2-3 days that he was no longer available on chat. It struck as little weird to me , as I used to see him online daily.So sent him a mail asking if something is wrong. And his reply was a total shock to me -
               - "I blocked you on chat since I realised my wife has my Gmail password. If she gets to see our chat she will not like it. I cant afford to lose her"
               - I sat stunned for sometime after reading this. So while you were writing me all that,you were fully aware of what you were doing..right?? You knew you could fool anyone with this lame explanation that this is just "friendly" or "harmless flirting" kind of chat, but in the heart of your heart you knew the truth. And to top it all, there was an added phrase (to make me feel good maybe)
               - -"You know there is this think about you which makes me feel sometimes that you are too dangerous for me..and sometimes I feel this is the most right thing to do..I cant decide"..

Huh!!! Where did such statements come from? I mean, we were friends and even though we were both in the US, I dint even have any intentions of meeting him. Where was this danger thing coming from?

Well, sorry to say such deliciously complimenting statements dont do a thing to me anymore(sadly they used to sometime), those statements bordering on dark love have lost all its charm for me
Now nothing less than sheer genuineness works on me (which is to say that there is no chance of anything working on me cos genuineness is the last thing a man can afford)

Well men, if you think you can have your cake and eat it too..if you think such statement are enough to sail in 2 boats..sorry to disappoint..not with women like me

I am past all that!

I realised that I had made him into this larger than life person, and all the flavors I added to his persona in my mind, all the glamour/romance/fun I attached with him, all the grandeur of his being was my doing (not his).And in one moment all this was shrivelled to a minuscule dot, all the spice was gone.
He could have been this street-side romeo for me now,who leches at every other woman.

And so I decided that our friendship is not his beck and call and removed him from FB telling him not to contact me ever. And it dint feel bad while doing this. Just a feeling of "good riddance"!

Its amazing how some men fall in and our of love, as if its a ride!
How their passion is so flimsy that it just needs marriage and familiarity to disappear in thin air.

And its not like they are madly in love with this other woman. She is someone who captures their fancy for a short while. They will never leave the comfort of their wives, to dive into anything serious. Cos they have to retain the social status as well as have some fun

So tell me boy(I refuse to call such men, men), wasn't she the person you have buzzed around like a bee..this person you have showed-off like a prized possession, eliciting envy from friends and foes..this person you have waited on, cried for, and hoped against hope that she accepts your proposal, when you surprise her one evening with a ring or anything you thought as the best way to woo the best lady in town?

And when this lady graciously accepts it, pinning all her dreams and hopes on you..thinking you are her answer to all the prayers,and makes you her world, she becomes a passe, doesn't she?

She is no longer a thing to covet.

Wasn't your love all so driven by your insecurities rather than her as a person? If not, how could it die?

All those things you would have given up in your life, to make it work with her, become more important to you than loving her and being that one person to her who craves for her like nobody else?

Her beauty, her charm, that twinkle in her eyes, that song in her heart..you take it all away..with your indifference, with your eyes leaving her to stare at other women..women who mean nothing to you..should mean nothing..you start spending more time with them, you start appreciating everything about them
When was the last time you told her "You look beautiful today"?

You like to discuss your favorite song with every other woman you meet, you write your Fb/chat statuses to impress all and sundry, you like to say the flirt-iest of things to any attractive woman..you like to compliment them all..
For what? Just for a brief acknowledgement they throw your way?
Do you ever mature, or would always remain a 5 year old who wants it all?

I would like to tell them to stop for once, to think where this hunting will take them
To savor the pleasure of feeling home with one person , rather than scattering themselves in 100s of women
Each woman is a mystery, each woman is a charm..but whats known once can not be known 100 times..
And if there is one person you feel home with, then getting away from her will take you away from yourself..from everything which you prided..and everything which you felt defined you

But let me tell you this one last thing (If it does help in putting your straight)
We know it all..we know what you want from us..we know where all this is intended to lead to and how it will end
So..dont hold us in any false esteem or hope..as we dont hold you in any!

(Phew! I burnt so much of time and energy, and a part of my heart in writing this humongous post. I must feel very strongly about this!)

Whats with men and coffee??
Why is it that they only ask you out for coffee??

Why is it never tea, or milkshake, or maybe lemonade?

"Can we meet up for coffee or something?"!!

Oh these poor sweet silly men!

The tailored needs

They say one needs a companion in life, even if s/he is not your soul-mate.
They say you need a human to stay with...to feel less lonely and more wanted

But I have realised..my need for a man is simply un-realistic, the way I need that companion is maddening..people might find me a fanatic, when they hear it

Yes its some-what like that..

I want that person to listen to me like his last wish is hearing me speak...I want him to talk to me every second hour..in between work..in between any and eveyrthing important to him..I should be on his mind
I wont bear to have him look or even as much as speak to another woman in a flirtatious manner...
I want my days and nights to be filled with conversations...of my kind

There was a time when I met men over coffee just to have a good conversation..
And now that desire is dead!

Cos the moment I see a man, a prospect..I see his end in him
I see the block, which he will hit very soon with me..and there is no way he can go beyond that end..its the end of all men..
All men lead to that point of no man's land and never recover from there

Women are endless, some of them to say..but men are not..

I can see a relationship blossoming and dying before it has started..I can see where it will lead to and how it will end

So, I guess being with anyone decent should do..

He does not have to lift my soul every day..does not need to make my heart skip a beat each time he smiles...need not have all the answers to my questions ..am good enough to answer them myself

He need not make me laugh..need not make me call him whenever there is something funny I want to share....need not be the one whose cologne lingers on me and whenever I meet someone else wearing it, make me feel giddy and want to run in his arms each time....he need not be the only colour in my life

When I was 15-16 I rememebr a day distinctly in my life, when reading a novel by Amrita Pritam I remarked..I would rather be with someone I dont love than with a person who drives me crazy with love and yearn for him.....

And I still stand there..as that 16 year old..who was so clear in her head of notions of love

Stalkers

Stalking reaches a new level when the stalker wants you to know s/he is stalking you.

And it has been happening with me for quite some time and I have decided to put an end to it, dont know if I will be successful.

There is this person who has been stalking me for years, and I have yet to find a more shameless and hedious person in my life.

I think being a loser, his only plan is to claim himself and in the process of doing this he has lost the sense of right/wrong, in such a way that makes it so scary.

Cos, he has tried it hard to justify his acts, and being educated he can write volumes on whatever he is doing is so very right, and something out of the world.

He has gloried his obsession and un-concern for others in his mind and I have been a vicitm to such purges from his pen, when he writes un-solicitous comments on my blog, every now and then

And now this person has started writing comments on people whose blogs I visit and comment on!!!
Can this get more disgusting?

Well whether he believes or not, I never read them.(And knowing him I am sure he would think I am bluffing and do read them :) )

For one, they are so boring..and lengthy..and talk of the same stuff
Of acting heroic about how things dont affect him and how he has changed...

This need in him to write SO much about how he has evolved ..and post it eveyrwhere in the world, goes to say how screwed he is and how much of acknowledgement and conset he seeks from the world, from me..

I see his name and I just scroll down cos I know reading a word of it will get me so annoyed that I might write to those people,whose blogs he comments on, to block him (We all have this stupid child in us which wants things their way :))

The last straw was today when for the umpteenth time he commented on my blog.
I have no clue how to ignore his comments.

I marked it as "Spam" today so hopefully it wont come to my main comment section, and I can easily avoid it.
And I also saw his comment on someone's blog I visit regularly, which got to me!

This person has no concept of respecting others privacy, of concern for peace of mind, of conscience!

And all this irk me more, cos he has done it 100 times, and justified it
And also cos I have been very laid back about it and he has misused it.
And nothing in the world enrages me than being taken for granted and anyone imposing himself on me..in whatever way

So for now I hope this spam thing works(unless he creates another id and starts commenting, which he has done in the past.)

And if it does not, I will stop writing on this blog. But I will start another anonymous blog, cos I cant do without writing and I cant do without interacting with people I like to read, so I will send them the link, in case I do start a new blog.

My kind of man

This man fascinates me so much that I could watch a crappy movie like "Runaway bride" for nth time yesterday

Is it the way he looks at Julia Roberts when she wears that
wedding gown..the look in his eyes..which makes me want to see that scene again and again ?

Richard Gere
- He stands for everything I miss in a man..everything I never had

The gravity, the grace, the mystery..and something unexplainable

Its as if he will hold me if I fall, he will charm me and be charmed by me..he will speak of things which I want to hear...
And most importantly he will listen to what I have to say (a quality so rare in men)..
He will be interested in me..the way I want someone to be interested in me
- he stands for all these possibilities and more :)

(But I gave him some negative marks when he did that stunt with Shilpa Shetty..I mean HER of all the people!

Why do such intriguing men pull up such stupid stunts?)

Contradictions

I used to maintain a diary, years back. I have an account of all that I felt from 1993, till 2007. 2007 is when I started this blog of mine.

14 years of my life in 3 sets of diaries! It is much more personal and has stuff I would never dare to write on the blog. Am too private a person for that.

I was just going through some of the bits and pieces I wrote and what I gathered was this:

40% of stuff is about how horrible men are and 40% is about joys of being in love :)

And I could just smile at the contradiction thats me, or all of us are?

Men..cant do with..cant do without!

My tryst with male friends

This is a post which has been in my mind for quite sometime now..
I dint know exactly when this feeling formed in me...but now that I am able to articulate it, I feel this need to write it down.

Men at my work place find me elusive (or snobbish) even though I have not got anything stuck on my face which says that. I am pretty normal friendly person (maybe not over-friendly)

And the other day a girl-friend of mine,put it very rightly and bluntly to me..
"Rajita, many men ask me about you..but I just feel that these men can admire and respect you..but they can't be your friends..they can't joke casually with you..they can't banter with you..something about you stops them. Why don't you try and be little friendly with them?"

Not that I never realized this fact..nor have I made any efforts to be like this..
I just told her..if I want these men to come closer..I would have..to let myself approachable isn't something I miss..and I am happy like this

She gave me one of those "tch tch" looks (so much like my mom) and went on about why am I not marrying...but I was hardly listening cos my brain had started working on a different line altogether

What she said, triggered a chain of thought and I wondered if sub-consciously I have worked on becoming so distant and elusive to guys at work..or am I born like this?

And a fact struck me that I never had a male friend..who could "just" be a friend to me

I had been friendly to guys at work earlier..quite friendly to say (thats another fact that these men came to me more often than me going to them.)
I used to hang out for coffee and lunches with them..and they would come over to my place also at times
I dint care what other girls felt about it..cos in my heart I dint have an ounce of attraction for any of them..and that kept me safe..in my mind.

But as it turned out..each of these friendships turned sour..cos each of these men made advances..and since I don't believe in having so-called friendship with men with a tinge of romance in the air (from any side), I had to cut them off
I used to stop speaking to them instantaneously.. one flirtatious remark..and off they go...

Just once I made a mistake of forgiving a friend (after 100 calls and sorrys) only to realize it was a blunder..cos the same pattern followed again and ended worse than before...men I tell you!

I could never understand how in a friendship, one person can fall in love and the other is hardly aware of it...cos for me, love is a very mutual thing..it cant be one sided..when 2 people are together, both of them would know if there is any chemistry or not!

Once, one of these men told me that he felt I reciprocated his feelings cos one specific day..he felt some loneliness in my eyes..and sadness..which he believed sprung out of my love for him

And I scratched my head hard to recall this day...and what exactly brought about such catastrophical conclusions from his side..

Why cant you men understand that there can be women who dont mind having a drink with you..or going for a movie or lunch..without feeling anything for you
Maybe cos of lack of company..maybe out of boredom..
They can even let you visit their place and make tea for you..cos they believe and trust you as a friend!
Every single act of theirs is not to be misinterprated to suit your whims!

Some of these friendships turned so sour, abusive and obsessive..that it left a horrible taste in my mouth for years

I started to blame myself for all this...I thought maybe there is something inherently wrong with me..which sends wrong signals to men..and they find it easy to hit on me..

But then..these are the men I have never intended to throw any signals...cos if I did..I would not have killed it at the outset

Or is it that some women are not supposed to have a light-hearted friendship with men?

Now I have become so vigilant about such people..that I would rather not have male friends, than be subject to any of the things which I went through

I fail to put my finger on the reasons for all these failed friendships...but I would certainly love to have a friend..who sees me as a human..and not just someone of opposite sex..who can wish me good..without smothering me with his love-sagas...who I can have coffee with..without the burden of underlying flirtations and romance...just like any other girl..