No I will not reminisce today about the year gone by
Cos I dont want to time bound my life into 1st and 31st

I believe life is a an ever flowing stream
With pecks of happiness and tears of sorrow

No I will not talk about the good and the bad of this year
Cos I cant limit my memory to days, months and years

I dont want to think of a year as good or bad

So this day has not much meaning to me
But for the fact that its my brother's birthday



I will remember the house parties we used to host on this day
Dont know in which time and era, all seems so blurred

My mom cooking, my uncles and father having a drink
And this is the day I had my first drink, with them

I will remember the flush and the rush it gave me
And we danced, danced, danced

The whole night...

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.”
                                        - Susan Sarandon in Shall we dance

So I guess I will make this blog my witness.
It will notice things I cant share with people in my life, as I would have liked to...

Sweetest thing

He is wrapped in his own innocence..
every pore smells of sweetness
And when he flails his hands to come to me, I wonder what he wants from me

Those doe's eyes( which some people say are somewhat like mine) , those lips like a bird...which I never tire of kissing..

Do you know how much of love you elicit from me?

I become something so animated and silly in your presence. Every time I think I will hold myself back a little, wont get so engrossed in you..but I see you and the trigger is on..I go all brainless again :)

When my sis gets you to my place, the moment you see me, you give that 2-tooth smile of yours..a smile which can re-define beauty And I guess the word "Adorable" was made just for you!!


Sometimes I want to scold you in jest, just to see that small frown on your face.
But when your smile gets hesitant with my scolding, and when it disappears..my heart breaks for a moment.
I dont like that momentary un-surity in you, when you dont know whether to smile at me or not... Cos I want you never to feel this way in life, when you ever have to curb your smile
Now-a-days you have learnt to scold back, specially your mother, when she shouts at you..and this is how you do it..

making us want to do it again and again..just to make you scold us back

You laughter at my playful antics are so infectious, gurgling out of you..


And baby when you look like this, who can keep their hands off you?














When I see you, my mind cant help but think that men like Hitlers and Saddams of the world must have been so endearing as a kid, what happens to all that innocence when they grow up??

And I just hope that you grow up to be a good man, the sweetest and the best!

Do you remember when we went to Delhi and met your cousin sister? You were a little intimidated by her and whenever I played with her, you would crawl up to me and gaze in my eyes without a word..as to silently tell me that you are a little possessive.. You would not cry, you wouldn't throw a tantrum..but just win me with your disarming smile..and I just had to leave everything and hug you

I hope you grow up and read this post someday, and always know that you were so loved and so sweet..it will remind you of all good things in life and you would always remember all of us, who were part of your growing up

And as you turn 1 today (which is 23rd Dec, sorry that I could not make this post that day as I was waiting to collect best pics from various sources), I clutch you to my heart to ward off the coldness settling there..
And a tiny part of me feels a tinge of envy and wishes that you were completely mine...

Shrehaan..Shreyu..Shrehaanu !

Time will see

Every day I wake up with a thought, that I will do something brilliant today
I will either live a dream, or accomplish something I never did

I wont let go of this day like any other, I will stop it and make it mine
I will make it eventful before it gets a chance to slip by

And here we are, end of the year

December is such a beautiful month, and I always cherish it..but this too seems to be going away..like a blink

Can we just stop time for a while, before we decide what to do with it?

I don't cry in movies these days
Even earlier, it used to be very rare. I can actually count on fingers and the scenes from movies where I had been moved to tears

But these days it just does not happen. I sit with a stoic face when others reach for their handkerchief. I feel as if I am abnormal and can never feel one with the crowd around

But today it happend..I found a drop of tear very unconsciously rolling down my eyes while watching a specific scene from this move..ok dont laugh at me.."Band baaja baraat"

Well, I liked this movie cos I think Anushka Sharma is pretty good..she is one of those very few actresses (in recent times) who manage to carry herself really well

And this scene was so innocuous that I still wonder what made me shed a tear

This scene is the one, after they have made love and she thinks she is kind of in love with the guy but she realises that the guy does not feel the same way about the whole thing and he is a bit guilt-laden.
The way she realises this is also very subtle and real.

But in this particular scene, she is trying to act causal and joke about this whole thing, so that he does not get wrong ideas and is as easy with her as he was before this incident

She is being her usual self but her face seemed so vulnerable, how starkly the love and hurt shows on her face, how she tries to camouflage it with nonchalance..
She braves the tussle in her own heart, while the guy takes it for real and brushes it aside happily and is guilt-free

All this was very sad and for that one moment I felt one with her..for some strange reason!

To my fellow bloggers

I love reading blogs..
of people - real life people..with real feelings

I kind of form images of them in my mind, each blog has a different feel to it

Some seem strong, some mushy, some very intelligent and for some I keep changing my views..its strange how without even as much as speaking or chatting with them I have formed such different notions of many of them :)

What I see from most of these blogs is that people fear change,all of us.
But change is what all of us go thru

Show me a person who feels the same way as s/he felt much younger

Everyone talks of a bygone era in their lifetime
Everyone craves for a moment which was lived before

And I love such people
Cos they are the real people I can connect to, mentally

People who are vulnerable to their needs and desire
People who acknowledge they are weak


Albeit those who act like the know-all
As if they are the ones who know all about love and suffering
And we need to learn from them

They forget there is life beyond them

And I am also little averse to blogs which speak too much of happiness and hope
Too much of happiness nauseates me!

Yes I love darkness and its nuances
I love black and people who talk of it

But what amazes me is the tender age of these people and the maturity with which they write
I mean..I see blogs of 22-23 year old and feel as if what they have gone through and written about , I experienced so much later

when I was 21-22, I was such a kid..I was still considered as one amongst the kid gang at home
The gang which ate before the elders...the gang which wasn't supposed to eavesdrop on elders conversations..the gang which was supposed to sleep off on summer afternoons without fail

And at that age I was still someone who was trying to be acknowledged as an elder

Love,loss and its likes were a far cry
I just knew I had to have a job and a career and the rest will follow
which it did..and how!

Some blogs are a little too much for the puritan in me.T
They are these wanna-be's who cry for attention
These blogs talk of things like...I cant even write them here
Some of them have their titles as certain female organs

I mean, what happened to femininity? Of the mysteries of a woman? How can you write everything related to your extremely personal stuff on the blog

I mean, are you not happening or cool if you dont write about s%^$ and f&** and related stuff?Cant you write of something more beautiful, or finer things in life?

I know people might find me being judgmental here, but then all of us tend to be..knowingly or unknowingly

Another set of bloggers I have found are the preachers, they have these tips on how to live, love and forgive.
I go there just have a little laugh, cos life cant be taught in words, it has to be lived

Then there are some bloggers who have music added on their home page!!
Gawd!! The first time it happened to me, I went mad trying to figure out whats happening to my system
I reached that blog and there was this beautiful music, and it started flowing out in full volume
I was at work , embarrassed to the core!
It is so damn disturbing..why do people do that??

There are some special category of bloggers which lash at other fellow bloggers..and these are the ones I dislike the most
These blogs have such negative energies that I prefer to stay away from such blogs

There are actually 2 specific bloggers I have in mind when I am writing this.They redicule other bloggers, while they write of the same stuff themselves.
They write, what they mock at!!

Though I really like the way they write,and loved a few posts by them..but their negative approach towards others,has put me off so much that I have decided not to visit their blogs anymore

And there are some stalkers as bloggers, who have made their blogs just to be either be read by somone specific of the other sex, or to comment on that blogger. Its really shameful how people can use internet to jeopardise someone's privacy and space

I think blogging has made people from different regions come closer, share thoughts, give vent to any shit happening in their lives (which is ok by me, though some say that such bloggers are narcisstics.But I feel that blogging is a personal space in a public arena which need not necessarily have to be a piece of art or talk of politics and any general knowledge stuff)

People, please spare blogworld from hatered,jealousy and any personal misgivings.Let this be a place where people feel free to write what they want. Dont judge people by what they write..just let them be..and let them have a good time, while you have yours!

Connections of affection

Sometimes a joke is lost when told to some people who dont get it!
And sometimes narrating anything close to heart is wasted, when done with undeserving ones

Yesterday I was telling something funny , which my niece said a few days back, to a friend and her reaction was so sublime, that I realised I cant expect others to feel for things the way I feel.
It irritated me that I wasted it on someone who could not relate to it.

I know I cant make such people see something funny in any incident, which only few like me would realise...
Its such a disappointment at those times and in those moments I feel friendless and lonely..cos I cant be a friend if you dont get me!
I feel uprooted..I dont know how to explain it

And in such moments I miss you..

I remember how I used to tell you smallest possible things about my niece, and how you used to come up with new names for her..
"Two quarters" for "Addu" (As in aadha or half)..still makes me smile

And in one such instance you said "You knwo what R, I dont know if your niece is all this cute or not, but I love the way you enact her..am sure you are cuter than her"

I used to brush you off with a smile and say "you are being stupid..she is so much cuter"..But I knew in my heart that this was one of the ways which made me feel connected to you
You used to get me as noone else ever did!

You made me feel I can have roots too..and stand on a firm ground, which can shatter only in my mind

And so many times I would call her by your name, and you by her..

Affection sure has many ways of showing itself

Heart is a lonely hunter

To know what loneliness does to you
You need to take your heart out of your body
To see
Where it has scraped off from
Where it has become pulpy and giving way
Where it has hardened
And where it is learning new ways
To feel
If it has gone hollow in some corners, filled by darkness
And if it has parts, which still beats in the old familiar way
To know
If it has any colours, or has it become sepia-toned?
Just like your days...

You will find yourself wondering..
What will your heart take
To become whole again
To become like that of a sixteen year old
Who never realised heart is such a vulnerable thing
Who, revelled in the rare moments of solitude
And wished to be lonely forever!

I like to play it by the rules of mediocrity
...As admiration goes to my head!

6th Dec

Birthdays are meant to be special
If not for anyone, then just for you

And even if its not perfect, we can always recount the good things that happened:
   

Compliments(I thrive on them)

Midnight cake cutting(though I was my crankiest best that time)

Pretty clothes and accesories gifted

Nice dinner at a nice place(though some goof up happened here as we went to a place where I really wanted to go but they dint allow my sweetheart since he is a little young for such places :) )

An email from a long-forgotten someone, which brought a smile to the lips, but nothing to the heart

This number 6 is close to my heart
And I will hold it dear to me
Till the fizz lasts

Moving back in time

Udate pairon ke tale jab behti hai jameen
Mud ke hamne koi manjil dekhi hi nahin..

She finds coming back to any erstwhile trodden path very difficult
Its difficult to move bakwards, isnt it?

If her bus drops her at a stop before her destination, she does not mind walking a distance of a kilometer to reach her place.
But if the bus drops at a stop, which is after her destination, walking a distance of 100 meters back to the place she meant to go, seems like a herculean task

How can you come back to something which you left?

Anything cant be re-lived or re-born..whats gone is gone..

She believes that you can not fall in love again, if the love disappears even once..
And you can not be friends with someone who has done something to make you question friendship

Life can not be lived in retrospection!

My close ones say I am short tempered.
But I say, isn't the whole world short tempered?

I mean, temper is supposed to be short, isnt it?
How can there be a long-temper?

But WOW..how I conceal it at work! Am god-damn good at it!

Just the other day someone told me "You can be a good people's person as you seem to be cool, relaxed and tension-free all the time. You can manage different kinds of people, cos of your calmness"

It made me so smug (I think we feel smug only when someone points something about us which is just not true, or is our weak point :)).

And I had this funny feeling that the world in general does not have an iota of idea of who you actually are!

Poor fat people

I dont know why sometimes people tend to glorify everything which is less than the best!

It enrages me at times and at times just makes me sad to think everything good or better than others is sometimes doomed and the mediocrity takes supremacy
Just cos you have earned more in life and are able to lead a better life than others, makes you a worse person?
Just cos you can wear pretty clothes and carry yourself well, makes you inferior to uglier women?

Just cos you are slim and you covet it, makes you vain and less human than the fatter versions, who dont care about their bodies(actually they do, but its easier to not care, so they make it sound interesting)

I hate it when people say :- "I live so I eat without thinking!"
And thats what they call living? Eating and becoming obese?

And am sure they would die to have a svelte figure, but just cos they cant or they dont have the resolve, they tend to ridicule people who are so

If I am blessed with a slimness which is coveted by many, and if I like it much to take care of it..does it make me a pompous or brainless person?
If I cut down on junk and oil, and prefer healthier food, I think I am doing a more intelligent thing than you, who is gorging on cheese pizza!

And then, there are people who relate love and compassion to poverty.
Its like this - if you are poor, you have the copyright on love.
The more affluent people have no clue of what love is, supposedly!
Its ridiculous the way people combine 2 totally unrelated things into one

Well, I am not so poor and I am not at all fat.

But I know how much I can love, and I thank heavens for not making me fat(I guess this is genetic so I got to thank God for this) so that I respect better things in life and try to adhere to healthy diet which will help me in the long run

So the next time someone sneers at me eating sprouts and avoiding sugar, I am gonna turn back and tell them "I am better off being not as fat and ugly as you"

And if I read something which talks of how only poor can love or how rich dont lead their lives as they want to, I can tell them that their poor love is as poor as a rich's love (Please dont mistake me for a rich person. I just hate such notions thats all)

I know for a fact that they will give anything to be in the shoes of slim/rich people

And yes, I CAN be such a bitch at times, if the situation demands!

Tell me why there is nothing but a heartache

Why do things change, why do people fall out of love?
Why does one person want to hang on to a relationship, while the other wants to move on?
Why cant things be frozen in time? Just as they were..perfect, beautiful, magnificent!
Why does any relationship change? They say change is inevitable, but just why should there be any change when things are as they are meant to be?

When 3 of us used to sit on the terrace and talk of what we wanted from life, I rememeber a day so clearly...
We spoke of the kind of men we could fall for, and none of us found a definition for it..
Yet 2 of us found what they wanted, though at times they say this is not what they had in mind, yet they are so happy with what they have..
We 3 dont talk like that anymore, there is always something more important to attend to when we are together, sometimes the kids, and other times tiredness cos of running behind kids
And I wonder where do those moments go..when we were just ourselves..not a lover, not a wife, not a friend

And then you happened..

While you played games on your cell, I sipped coffee and hummed a song--you said that was divine to you..you found your peace and comfort in it, your cocoon, your oasis..
Did we not become part of something more beauitful than either of us?

We created a beauty together.which neither of us recognized or respected..
Uptil now..when I am doing it..dont know if you ever will?

What has changed? why did we abolish what we created?
We bounced off each other'e energies..we complemented each other to a "T"..but we chose to live without, what we had to offer to each other

You were such an antithesis of what I am

You know why I remember you so much as I do? Thats cos I loved liked the fact that someone was noticing me, while I was busy being me

And she kept searching..
                          ...Being sure only of what she did not want!

I think people who have this commitment phobia are scared of themselves more than the commitment thing
They are not sure if they can be so good for someone to stay for life, they are scared if the other person falls out of love
They don't know if they can be as interesting company, as good to love, as good to be loved back..in the long run
And that's why they camouflage it with this notion of "commitment phobia" and hold it as an additional charm to their personality

And same is with flirts..their desire to flirt with many stems from some inner complex..probably they know every stint will be a small one..and they start looking for another before they delve more into any one person

Its their own deficiency which makes them what they are, and the project it onto the ones who fall for them

I admire those who can love one person for long..I envy their strength and their passion

Laughter

She does not smile much, laughter comes rarely to her
People think she is snooty, but there was an issue with her
Smiling seemed like an exercise, everytime she tried doing it...for other's sake

The stretching of muscles and getting a twinkle in the eyes, required lot of effort on her part
When people would be splitting with laughter and falling on each other, she felt lost in their mirth
Noone understood why she doesn't smile, but one look at her and they would all stop laughing. They felt silly in her presence, to laugh like that...

Sometimes she thought she could give it a try, laugh with them, even if the laughter did not reach her heart
But each time she tried, she was moved to tears, she could not play that lie with herself..and with them

So when he told her today - "Your laugh-less face is something I find very attractive..I like trying to find a hint of smile..genuine smile on you..its worth all the effort", since then she has been smiling for no reason

Its like laughter is rippling through her, in her veins, all the way to her soul

She laughs all alone, effortlessly -
      while making tea..watching tv...walking on the road..roaming in the malls

She laughs in the bus, on the terrace, at work in front of the monitor
Every one around her seems to laugh back at her

And now she is trying to find a way to stop this maddening laughter, to cure this effervescent happiness

To hate or not to

It takes me a while to hate someone, whom I had liked a lot at any point in time
That person could be a relative, a friend..or a lover

I always try to find a reason to like the person, inspite of everything that transpired, which left a bad taste in my mouth

I look for reasons to think that its me who might have been wrong, specially if I liked the person immensely..
Cos in some ways I dont want to accept that my choice could be as wrong as it seemed like
If I defile the person in my mind, I feel as if I defile myself

Up until the point that this person sheds all his/her layers and stands stark in front of me..for exactly what s/he is worth

I just need that moment, when I can see that sparkling truth about that person, and my mind gets so clear, clear from everything which had blinded and misled me earlier

Then I can hate, then its so easy to forget everything

The process is long-winded but it does happen, it sets me free
And this new-found hatred, is a welcome one

I have been having this feeling off-late that I have let out too much of information about me on this blog.

I have left it open for people to read between lines, misinterpret and have their own deductions about what I write.

Specially for people who know me, read much more worse than the strangers would and judge me based on their interpretations

Sometimes questioning me on what I write, who I wrote this for, and so on

So I felt if I should shut my trap about stuff which the world seems to take in their own way (the world doesn't matter as such, its just the people close or had been close who do).

But another part in me says that this is my place, my corner.
I will let the world hamper my space only as much as it deserves
The more I let them enter my world, the more they exercise a power over me

Cos in my mind, I write what I feel like, not by wrong or right

This has been a decision I have been contemplating on, and the other side of me is the one which dominates.
So I don't think I will stop!

Let go

Let go, let go they say
But let go, I will not

Cos letting go is easy to do for the mind
But difficult on the heart

Cos letting go will leave me barren
If I let go , who will hold it for me?

Letting go makes me scattered,
Into tiny molecules, with not a single me in it

Letting go makes me forget
Of what I was and what I wanted to be

So I will hold on
to all the pain, and all the anguish

To the smouldering me
And the negligent you

To the passionate me
And that so dispassionate you

To that ever giving me
And that ever taking you

A time will come
When I can let go

when holding on is no more important

But this one time
Let go, I will not

धूप किनारे

Does anyone remember this pakistani serial of 80s?
Dhoop Kinare...I do, cos I watched it so many times that I have lost the count

Urdu as a language has always charmed me, and the way they talk
Its so sophisticated, beautiful and delicate
Specially the ones from Pakistan, the way words sound from their mouths enchants me

But this serial was close to heart cos of this lead character Dr.Ahmer in it.

God! I used to feel so sick whenever I watched him. I realised later that the sickness I suffered from was love-sickness

How I wished I met a man like him..
My sister's friend had bought all 4 video cassettes of this serial, which used to lie at our place all the time, and we had almost damaged our video player's head by playing it over and over again
And today again I watched all the episodes on You-tube!

Do we see a trend here? Richard Gere, Dr.Ahmer...similar kind of men :)

And this particular song (a poem by Faiz Ahmad Faiz) and scene from that serial, never fails to make my heart yearn, crave and desire like a teenager..every time I hear it

As Dr.Ahmer told Zoya "Dariye nahin girane nahin doonga" (Dont be scared, I wont let you fall), and held her hand, I too gave my heart to be held by him for a long time....

रात यूँ दिल में तेरी
खोयी हुई याद आई
जैसे वीराने में चुपके से बहार आ जाए
जैसे सेहरा में हौले से चले बादे नशीं
जैसे बीमार को बेवजह करार...आ जाए

Here is the translation by Vikram Seth:

          Last night your faded memory came to me
          As in the wilderness spring comes quietly,
          As, slowly, in the desert, moves the breeze,
          As, to a sick man, without cause, comes peace..

And hers is that scene:

Moments

"Why do you always crack such presumptuous cliched jokes?" - She said in her usual irritated manner

Whenever she spoke like that, it cut across somewhere close to his heart, like a cold knife..always
This indifference and haughtiness in her, emptied him of everything which he wanted to tell her..it reminded him of darkest things..things he could not place his finger on but were reminders of all those times which made him feel desolate and lonely..it struck some abyss in his mind..always

- "You dont have any sense of humour" - He tried regaining his posture and say this with a flair and appear unmoved

-"you dont know a thing about humour..you are not funny ever..so please dont try it" - there was a hint of smile on her face..the kind of smile he despised

The very thing which he despised in her..puller him to her...it was like this feeling of vertigo..a free fall into a place called "her" where he could rest or die

"Just cos you dont feel like laughing at my jokes does not mean no one feels like" - while saying this he felt so small,almost like a petulant child..and he would have hated someone else who spoke like that... yet he just had to...cos in front of her he turned into someone he loathed himself

"Then crack them for someone who likes it"..her chilly voice resonated though she was almost not there.

She sipped her coffee..while he craved to gather this moment in his heart..to keep it intact somewhere..and wished to revel in this captured moment, where she sips her coffee with child like innocence and there is scent of her, mixed with the rain kissed soil

"You dont even look at me when you talk..you dont even like me a bit..then why the hell do you meet me" - He broke his own reverie..maybe to take away all the softness which he felt for her a moment ago

She looked at him now..the kind of look one gives when one is not actually looking at the person

"Cos of this image of me entangled in your eyes"

Whats with men and coffee??
Why is it that they only ask you out for coffee??

Why is it never tea, or milkshake, or maybe lemonade?

"Can we meet up for coffee or something?"!!

Oh these poor sweet silly men!

The tailored needs

They say one needs a companion in life, even if s/he is not your soul-mate.
They say you need a human to stay with...to feel less lonely and more wanted

But I have realised..my need for a man is simply un-realistic, the way I need that companion is maddening..people might find me a fanatic, when they hear it

Yes its some-what like that..

I want that person to listen to me like his last wish is hearing me speak...I want him to talk to me every second hour..in between work..in between any and eveyrthing important to him..I should be on his mind
I wont bear to have him look or even as much as speak to another woman in a flirtatious manner...
I want my days and nights to be filled with conversations...of my kind

There was a time when I met men over coffee just to have a good conversation..
And now that desire is dead!

Cos the moment I see a man, a prospect..I see his end in him
I see the block, which he will hit very soon with me..and there is no way he can go beyond that end..its the end of all men..
All men lead to that point of no man's land and never recover from there

Women are endless, some of them to say..but men are not..

I can see a relationship blossoming and dying before it has started..I can see where it will lead to and how it will end

So, I guess being with anyone decent should do..

He does not have to lift my soul every day..does not need to make my heart skip a beat each time he smiles...need not have all the answers to my questions ..am good enough to answer them myself

He need not make me laugh..need not make me call him whenever there is something funny I want to share....need not be the one whose cologne lingers on me and whenever I meet someone else wearing it, make me feel giddy and want to run in his arms each time....he need not be the only colour in my life

When I was 15-16 I rememebr a day distinctly in my life, when reading a novel by Amrita Pritam I remarked..I would rather be with someone I dont love than with a person who drives me crazy with love and yearn for him.....

And I still stand there..as that 16 year old..who was so clear in her head of notions of love

A house full of women

I feel that a house full of women is so much richer than a house full of men.
And I know that a man trapped in a bevy of women is just so lost.

They don't understand what gets to these women that they start fighting one moment and the very next moment they are all cosying up to each other and sharing secrets

Ours has been such a house, what with 3 sisters and mother..against one brother and father
They both used to clamour for our attention...my brother being the youngest, tried following us, in all our gossips..
We would usually hurl him away with something like "you are younger and wont understand, so go and study"
Or "Why are you always sticking to us, go and play with your friends"
And he, in all his cuteness, would make excuses to study while we chatted around him

I guess there is something about women, these men don't understand and they are forever in search of that mystery...that elusive smell

But women can be so so difficult and we sisters are a perfect example of that

With every re-union there is a day of splendid fighting and shouting..accompanied by sullen days..when the men around just sense the tension and very meekly try to get us together..with a fear of getting ripped apart in all that..which happens every now and then..yet they are steadfast in their attempts

Just a couple of days back in Delhi..we sisters were together and in no time a massive battle of words and arguments ensued between us.
It started between my younger and elder sister but, as usual, ended with me and my elder sister..

When we fight with words..none can dare to enter that arena and we cast blows at each other like missiles..the place indeed looks like a battlefield..
After the bombardment and then an eerie silence..

Funnily the topic is never a relevant one...this time it was about some 3rd person who does not matter either to her or to me..
But it eventually leads to personal stuff
Maybe some unspoken thoughts..hidden resentment..suppressed expectations..gives way to illogical fights

But surprisingly all this anger never leads to any hatred..

After that bombardment the scene must have been funny, from a 3rd person's perspective
My elder sister was sitting on the chair, with most probably tears in her eyes, which I realised later, when she spoke
I had "Alchemy of desires" sprawled across my face, and my eyes darted through the words without registering a thing..I wasn't thinking of the fight nor was reading but the mind was in an unknown frenzy,too clogged to take in anything

The 3rd sister was trying to act paralysed, lying face down on the bed with very little movement, while I knew her mind was acutely aware of the fight

In all this, none dares to enter the room till the air has cooled down a bit..

Enters the mother!
She is scared to enter while we are blowing accusations at each other but once that's over, she has to ALWAYS come and ask SAME questions

"Why were you girls fighting?"
-No response!

"I really don't like it when you people fight, now that you stay away from each other"

Responses (mostly from 3rd sis) - "Don't sisters fight? Why do you irritate us with questions like this"
"Hota hai bhai!" (It happens)

Mother again in her meek tone - "We sisters never fought, not after we had our own children."

Elder sis (voice breaking cos of crying) - "That's cos you sisters hardly meet..and its good that you guys don't meet...else you would fight and kill each other like us"

Silence prevails..while there is a flurry of event ..in which my elder sis is readying to go out

And I..in all this..after every fight..feel an immense relief
Unfortunately my laughter neurons are slightly conked off!!

Cos I feel like laughing, like mad, and while my mother kept asking questions I threw the book on my face and convulsed with laughter

The inane fight and the stupid questions tickle me...even as a child if my mother scolded me and demanded answers to rhetoric questions..I would hide my face in my knees and laugh like mad..while my mom thought I was crying bitterly :)


Someone rightly said "If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child."
There are times when you are certain you hate her..and the next moment you want to hug her and tell her all your harsh words were meant just to hurt her temporarily

Anyways..to conclude...we are back to talking..
Till we meet again :D

Home sweet home

Being in your place of birth and youth has its undeniable charm.
Something which creeps upto you unknowingly, like an unforseen force

Thats whats happening to me in Patna right now..

My house, the streets..everything evokes certain emotions, which have their roots deep down in my heart

But apart from the emotions, its the comfort which gets to me

Living on my own and alone had made me work for myself..and I had forgotten how easy it had been for me, back home

And now its coming back to me..
when I finish my bottle of water, someone invisibly fills it and keeps it in place for me
The food is served in plates, wherever I choose to sit..
Tea and coffee appears from no where, as if my mind commanded them
I just dump my clothes without bothering about how to segregate them into different piles, and all are washed, ironed and handed over to me!

My house is full of helpers... more than the inhibitants

Some of them have been around for more than 20 years or so..and they come here more out of habit and for my mom, than for any actual work..
But they fill in wherever there is any dearth...
If I need something urgently, they will run the errand for me
If I need tea out of the blue, they will make it for me
If I need a massage, there is someone to do it

I have a driver who also sees to it that all my small wishes are fulfiiled
Just today, I was asking the maid where my slippers were, he got them for me and put them right in front of me..and said "I will first dust them for you, then you wear them"..and ran to get a cloth

I feel so embarassed at such moments that I cant even look him in the eyes..
I just told him hastily that my shoes are alright and he neednt dust them..and wore them hurriedly , lest he starts off in his crusade of cleaning them

Then there is this smell of incence, and chants..so typical of durgo pujo..a nip in the air..
This month of october and my home town stir up some magic

Now am sure life will be so difficult when I get back to my own place...

Away from net, with family..yet it feels as if a part of me is lost..
Internet and my blog has become such an addiction for me :)

Attraction

Attraction brews like coffee..in our minds...which is also a furnace
Just as you add ingredients to it...the attraction grows..

The furtive glances, the downcast eyes with a smile lurking, the SMSes bordering on being flirtatious, yet not there..hiding the obvious like a smothered laughter

And like the fresh froth on the top of coffee, it promises of what lies beneath, of a tantalizing flavour

And just as the froth lingers for a few moments, giving an impression of wild passion inside, the moment ends...revealing the real tasts of coffee underneatth, and the froth dies off..

So does attraction...leaving you with a reality...which you could either love or have it fizzle out in nothingness

Yet to be mine

I never seem to call Bangalore as my own, though I have been living here for more than 7 years now
Don't know why this place or its people never make me feel like its home..
Maybe I am looking for some salvation, some sort of redemption from this place

Strangely my 3 and a half years in Hyderabad are closer to my heart..and I felt alive in that city
It could have been cos I was fresh out of college and with my new job..new friends..
Could be cos it reminds me of a taste of life which was so new to me then

I loved the ten downing streets, Ramada, Passport, Vice roy(This is now converted into Marriott)...
That beautifully lit city which was refelcted in hussain sagar..and the necklace road wounded around it

They have my smiles, my fragrance , my innocence ..
Even my house there, it has my memories..friends I loved and lost

Though Bangalore has given me much more than Hyd..

A better job, my own house amongst many other things...still I seem to be looking for something..something I have not found here...a feeling of oneness..a feeling of belonging

Though I had a fantastic time in my first 1.5 years in Bangalore, but I attribute it more to the compnay of my sis, niece and a friend who had become an integral part of my life..Bangalore looked be-dazzled back then..MG road, brigade and the barista were my home, I walked around like mad, just driven by conversations and laughter..this place had a shine and a vibration which went with those people



Read somewhere that the city you live in, invents a part of you which you had never known..and if you love that part, the city becomes a part of you too

I have yet to know what Bangalore invented in me

I have always believed one should have only those things in life which one owns 100%..be it appreciation for a job well done, or any thing you buy for yourself...

Anything half owned, gifted ..dont hold much value to me

So I guess till I own Bangalore, or it owns me..I will keep looking for my salvation

Vassal-love

"I felt sudden rush of affection for him.An affection which seemed to proceed from and depend upon the in-equalities between us. It was vassal-love, one of the strongest and most mysterious human emotions."
                                                                                                     - Shantaram

I read this and I said "Yes yes yes!", I know that kind of love!
I understand it oh so truly and completely!

I have always tried giving proper words to this emotion and here it is "vassal-love"!
And somehow I feel all love/affection have under-currents of this in it..all!

And please note, its "inequality" and not "difference". We all know differences attract us to each other, but this inequality, which he talks about here, is something different

And many a times its this love, which springs cos one loves what one lacks in oneself.

If you are a timid person, you get drawn to assertive ones..if you are unstable and impulsive you fall for the stability that another seems to provide..if you are classy and prudent, sometimes the uncouthness in someone draws you, cos you dont seem to afford it

And since I understand it, I feel its my analysing skills which sometimes stop me from falling in love with all my heart.
Cos I always seem to understand where it is coming from..and I come to a conclusion that it might not be love..and avoid.

Apart from that, I am totally besotted by this book right now. Its a masterpiece, and I am getting to know so much about my own country from a foreigner, specially the famous slums of Bombay, the mafia world et al..

A good book is such an addiction and occupation..I never turn over pages cos it does not get boring even for a second and I have already read more than 400 pages till now

I have been scrambling to get some facts about this book. It seems like an auto-biography, but all incidents and characters might not be real.

I searched google, you tube...but nothing says if all of it has actually happened.

And how I have bene hoping that the female Karla is for real..it would be such a disappointment if she was not to be...I would love to see what she looked like.

And this is the famous Leopold cafe and bar in Mumbai, which the author keeps talking about in thenovel and creats such a vivid images of this place which had a mystique, a business , a purpose..

Fire-crackers

I read it in some book that we love the fire-crackers so much cos its brilliance lasts for just few seconds

Since we know its going to die soon, we love it with all our heart, for those few seconds..as it gives its all to that moment

Anything which promises permanance, is never loved with that fervor!

Sad and true!

Stalkers

Stalking reaches a new level when the stalker wants you to know s/he is stalking you.

And it has been happening with me for quite some time and I have decided to put an end to it, dont know if I will be successful.

There is this person who has been stalking me for years, and I have yet to find a more shameless and hedious person in my life.

I think being a loser, his only plan is to claim himself and in the process of doing this he has lost the sense of right/wrong, in such a way that makes it so scary.

Cos, he has tried it hard to justify his acts, and being educated he can write volumes on whatever he is doing is so very right, and something out of the world.

He has gloried his obsession and un-concern for others in his mind and I have been a vicitm to such purges from his pen, when he writes un-solicitous comments on my blog, every now and then

And now this person has started writing comments on people whose blogs I visit and comment on!!!
Can this get more disgusting?

Well whether he believes or not, I never read them.(And knowing him I am sure he would think I am bluffing and do read them :) )

For one, they are so boring..and lengthy..and talk of the same stuff
Of acting heroic about how things dont affect him and how he has changed...

This need in him to write SO much about how he has evolved ..and post it eveyrwhere in the world, goes to say how screwed he is and how much of acknowledgement and conset he seeks from the world, from me..

I see his name and I just scroll down cos I know reading a word of it will get me so annoyed that I might write to those people,whose blogs he comments on, to block him (We all have this stupid child in us which wants things their way :))

The last straw was today when for the umpteenth time he commented on my blog.
I have no clue how to ignore his comments.

I marked it as "Spam" today so hopefully it wont come to my main comment section, and I can easily avoid it.
And I also saw his comment on someone's blog I visit regularly, which got to me!

This person has no concept of respecting others privacy, of concern for peace of mind, of conscience!

And all this irk me more, cos he has done it 100 times, and justified it
And also cos I have been very laid back about it and he has misused it.
And nothing in the world enrages me than being taken for granted and anyone imposing himself on me..in whatever way

So for now I hope this spam thing works(unless he creates another id and starts commenting, which he has done in the past.)

And if it does not, I will stop writing on this blog. But I will start another anonymous blog, cos I cant do without writing and I cant do without interacting with people I like to read, so I will send them the link, in case I do start a new blog.

This feeling right now

Today for some reason I was reminded of those days
When I used to get drunk a little beyond control
And then message people whom I should not have..
Then regret it big time the next day

But then it had some charm..a delicious nagging feeling
Of doing something which I always wanted to do..but never dared to do it in my senses
Of feeling vulnerable and open to hurt and wound
Of drama and disaster..of life and listlessness

And all this leaving an exiquisite dull ache in my heart...

Of jasmine and lavender and a musk smell..which hung to my palms

Pure women

I usually dont watch soaps, but after staying with Ma for a month and having these soaps run in the house for most hours of our time together, it just becomes a habit to have them on, while I am sitting on the laptop or reading something

And on one such night, I heard this line from a serial ( I dont even want to name that serial to give it any extra footage or importance than it deserves)

-- "Though we were married for a year, my wife is still as pure as she was before marriage"

And I wanted to smash someones head!!

I had these 3 questions running in my mind:

1. How the hell 2 people in love and being married for 1.5 years, stay without touching each other. And just what the heck are they trying to prove by this?? Is it that act of love making makes their feelings for each other less beautiful?

2. So the purity of a woman is determined by her virginity? Whatever happened to purtiy of mind? Purity of heart? Then why have a word like "Pure" in the english vocabulory? One can just replace it with "virgin"!

3. If a woman sleeps with her husband, she becomes impure? Its like this one step and you are no more pure?

Come on..!!!!

I believe such serials and the their makers should be banned from tv.

They are the ones who try and spoil the gullible minds of ordinay Indians.
By giving them the wrong notion that a woman's worth and purity has certain idiotic barometers.
Some of us might have come a long way from there and cant get affected by this, but these serials might move some of us who are already prone to such baseless values.

Everytime I feel I might lose my loneliness
I might have company of someone, whom I can like

There is this sadness which lurks inside me
Of losing the beauty of loneliness

There is certain glamour and romance in being lonely
which captivates me and makes me fall in love with myself

And losing it..might drive me away from myself

Presenting Malvika

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HehklYw57N8

That's my younger sister.

A fab singer (though not as well known) and she sung the radio ad for Nescafe a few days back, which has been playing on kannada radio channels.

She sung in Kannad, without knowing or understanding a word of it :)

She actually sings in Tamil/Bengali/Assamese but does not know these languages (except bong a bit)

Isn't that so much like Shreya Ghoshal :)

Knowing her

She can not make small talk with women
She does not know of things they talk of
The recipe...the mother-in-laws..the kids..
It does not interest her

But she knows
She can enthrall anyone, who is her kind
She can dance like no other woman can
Given a stage..where she is the goddess

she hates it when people say "take care"
She wonders why people even bother to say such cliched things
She never learnt to say such words

She cant differentiate between mild flirting and immense liking
If she thinks someone is capable to be flirted with,
Then this someone is the one she could truly like, for whatever time that is

She does not believe in being friends with anyone
she does not believe in friendship..with anyone
This whole charade of friendship puts her off!

She loves the word "promisicuous"..it has a ring to it
A charm and a tantalizing effect

She expects the world from people..
she wants magic to happen..
she wants people to cancel their important meetings..miss their flights to be with her..
She wants them to do something out of their character..

But on the face of it...she lets it all go..till these expectations sit like a big weight on her head

All she can do, when she feels an overwhelming emotion is
Downcast her eyes and fight to control her tears

Or sometimes just give an awkward hug
hung somewhere..never culminating in a true hug

And she does not believe in loving anyone anymore
Love is just her whim

Its a platter which she can decorate with the person she feels like..

ये दिल ये पागल दिल मेरा
क्यों बुझ गया .. आवारगी


इस दश्त में इक शहर था वो क्या हुआ... आवारगी           

My kind of man

This man fascinates me so much that I could watch a crappy movie like "Runaway bride" for nth time yesterday

Is it the way he looks at Julia Roberts when she wears that
wedding gown..the look in his eyes..which makes me want to see that scene again and again ?

Richard Gere
- He stands for everything I miss in a man..everything I never had

The gravity, the grace, the mystery..and something unexplainable

Its as if he will hold me if I fall, he will charm me and be charmed by me..he will speak of things which I want to hear...
And most importantly he will listen to what I have to say (a quality so rare in men)..
He will be interested in me..the way I want someone to be interested in me
- he stands for all these possibilities and more :)

(But I gave him some negative marks when he did that stunt with Shilpa Shetty..I mean HER of all the people!

Why do such intriguing men pull up such stupid stunts?)

The way to success is scary..

As you go up the ladder ,the step just below the last one is removed
And you are treading on a base-less string of stairs to success

So the descent is never one at a time
As all the below steps are gone

So all you can do once you reach the top is either stay there
Or fall in the abyss

Jo barse spaney boond boond..nainon ko moond moond

Was watching "wake up sid" on tv a couple of days back, which brought back a flood of memories..

My US stay and this room-mate cum frined cum the sole person I moved around with in the US

And strangely, there is a strinking resemblence between Ranbin Kapoor and the guy in question

Plus the age difference too..exactly the same !

The story of how all this came about is wierd,long winded but the gist is, we were together for clsoe to a year...

I cant say if I remember that time with much fondness or that person, but there is a part of you you leave behind with eveyrone you meet
He wasnt a bad person, but there were too many lies tumbling down my face all the time, in smallest possible thing, that I could not take it anymore

At times I was scared to even ask questions which might open up pandora of lies...

well we win some we lose some..so for me, this US stay with him was memorable cos of him

Our San diego sea world trip, disneyland, discs and all the salsa dance classes

All this would not have been possible without him and I am thankful to him for making my US stay comfortable and memorable

Some excerpts from the movie were so similar!

The way Ranbir pulls Konkana along with him in the morning, when they are getting late...I was the one perpetually getting late in the mornings and he would shout out for me and pull me along..

Decorating our house on christmas(he being a catholic) the way she decorates her house...

His perpetully messing up kitchen and throwing things around and my irrtation and shoutings, whenever I got back home..but it was a nice feeling to get back home to him

Dont know if he rememebrs any of it..but I have a good memory..sadly

So many memories flipped thorugh, when I saw this movie

Jo naina karoon band band......beh jaye boond boon

Airtel live!

I hate Airtel services, not the network but the customer care and their billing system.

I had to bear a brunt of it so many times.

Considering that everything I have is from AIRTEL, its a big mess at times.
I have airtel mobile connection + airtel digital TV + airtel landline and broadband.

And now I had to get rid of the broadband cos of some stupid reason like they don't have network in certain area, while BSNL can provide the same network anywhere.

I hate BSNL for different reasons, but then airtel has a very unethical billing system

Many a times I have seen the bills bloated, sometimes I was charged while I was not even in the country and later after a lot of calls and headache, I got it corrected.

The customer care gives some information and later they defy it.

I could pull a few string earlier, cos my bro-in-law was at a very high post in airtel, and could get my job done within hours. But now he has quit, much to my dismay.

My reason for latest agony arose when I paid a huge amount as safe custody for my landline connection, while my connection was actually disconnected and they are not able to re-activate it.

After some idiotic calls with customer care where they did not understand a thing and I had to repeat the same story 10 times, I finally went to the airtel office personally.

Even there, people gave me dumb looks as they dint have any answer to what had happened.

I was so distressed and out of my wits, that I started helping the bystanders with their issue :)

There was this guy before me, who was a little demure and timid kind and was checking about some deposit he had given.

The guy - "I had given the deposit but now you are not able to give me back the connection so I need the deposit back"

Customer care person - "So we need the modem back sir"

Guy - "But I told you that there was a theft my place and the thief took away lots of stuff along with modem"

Customer care - "But sir, we need it"

The guy is looking confused and pathetic

I butt in -"Can you tell me the price of modem?"

Customer care gives me a stare and tell in a confused tone -"Its 800 ma'am"

I - "Then can you deduct that amount from deposit and give him back the remaining amount?"

The customer care guy is looking amused by now and the demure guy is gaining some confidence and talking little more harshly by now.

add - "And I too have your modem and the phone set, so if you don't give me back my money, I am keeping both!"
- I sounded so childish even to myself :)

All this while I knew I was acting funny but could not stop, such things make me so mad!

Transitions

I remember as a teenager all the new things happening to me were so tied with my sisters..

It was as if everything became more meaningful, more eventful, more interesting..just cos I had them to share it with me..

If a guy proposed, if something funny happened, if something made me sad...this thought always came first to me "Oh..I have to go and tell them about this"..it always played at the back of my mind in everything

If I was watching TV and something made me laugh,turning around and laughing with them added more charm to what I was watching..

But recently, anything new just stays with me..this thought never occurs to me..is it called growing up..or growing apart?

Makes me confirm my childhood conviction, that all of us are alone..no-one ABSOLUTELY NOONE can reach a level of togetherness with anyone else but oneself..not even a lover or a spouse

There will always be a part of you which you can not share with anyone..a part of which you would feel no-one can understand..
A part of you which is so much your own that you would begin to love it as your own secret...even if its unpleasant

She is always pressed for time..always
She can not afford to concentrate on anything anymore
Everything is fleeting..

Maybe cos she believes in life being fleeting and wants to grasp all that she can
Or maybe..nothing registers for a moment longer in her mind

She rushes through the day...always thinking what lies ahead..whats next to be done..whats next to combat

If she is at work..she is thinking of household things..if watching tv..she is juggling between laptop and tv..trying to grab both..but doesn't seem to register either

So today, when she was hurrying in front of the mirror..getting ready to go out..something in her eyes caught her..her own image...

Maybe what caught her attention was the innocence in her eyes..which she thought she had lost..

And she wondered..when was the last time she felt so beautiful..and could not remember
A long long time ago

A moment again

I want one moment of all that again

Of seeing you for the first time
Of feeling the butterflies in my stomach
Of letting go of restraints...and of loving once again

I remember the grace, I remember the look
You enchanted me..and took me away
To a moment of bliss, to a moment my own
You held me up..

I might forget you..I might forget what we had
But I wont forget how you made me feel
when you touched, the me within me

When all is gone..whats left?
The beautiful you and the beautiful me...

That arm around me..that lip on my lips
The touch of your hand..and the quivering me...

Lets not be friends..lets not be foes
But be lovers..for a while..if you please

I am so doing it again!

Calling her 10 times in a day for nothing, feeling zombied, every other minute my thoughts going to her

Ma is leaving tomorrow..

There are things I want to undo, harsh words I want to erase, indifference I want her to forget
And all this, cos I love her to bits and I don't know any other way to show it

But I also know, things will be the same..I will continue to get irritated, and she will continue to be the same...and I have accepted to live with it..I just need to soften my edges and mould them..to not cut her apart..as I do sometimes

Slowly I have come to realize that she is made of stronger stuff than I

I don't know Ma how you can still be so rock solid inside..when I am so scattered
How you continue to hold your views and opinions so doggedly..while mine gets lost in my ever changing moods

I see myself in you sometimes, and you in me
I see those insecurities, which are part of me too and I want to protect you from them
But in order to protect..I hurt!

I have no clue how to put this together, what I feel, those little things..little moments..

Every weekend you would ask me.."where do we go today"..we roamed around the city looking for things for my new place..
Every day you would think of new things to buy for my place..specially for the kitchen (which is your most favorite place and mine least)..
The sweetness with which you suggested how to make my place more beautiful

I felt like I have a doll-house and we are playing a game of decorating it..

I know you will be back soon..but for now I will be getting back to an empty house again!

Here we go again!!

I have been off this dating/flirting thing for a while now

I dont talk much at work..I dont want to be around men
I do my work..and I want to be left alone

But recently..I joined a new project at work
This involved late night conference calls with our US counterparts with 4 of us from India in that team
And I was the only girl (Isnt that the case most of the times?)

So we used to stay back till 11 or later in the night at work
And there is this guy..cute and talkative..

Being the way I am..people tend to maintain their distance from me..and I prefer it this way..
I talk to them..about work..and otherwise..but that's about it..they can not ask much about me though

Now this guy..I dont know whats with him..could not be contained in the limits which I sought for myself

He would generally joke around..also with me..and I usually smile back and dont say much..

On one such day...while the talk was on the conference..we kept taking turns in listening to the call, so 2 people stayed in the room while rest loitered around office.
Once it happened that just the two of us were alone in the room
So he turns around and asks me very nonchalantly.."Are you married?"
I was a little taken aback..being off such games, I felt I was at a loss of words..and the inclination as well
But replied with as much nonchalance as possible..while smirking inside :P

Sometimes he would just turn around and stare at me, so point blank that I wonder if he even understands what he is doing!

At times he breaks into this song "Aisi uljhi najar unse hatati nahin..", staring at me all the while.. and I cant help but smile inside..while keeping a totally dumb face on the front

He must be 26-27 and I feel like calling him a "kiddo" but I dont..for the fear of offending him

The thing is..he seems to be a very guileless guy..the kind of person I would not hesitate in saying a hi..an open face with a casual attitude..which makes me feel free with him...

But if you know me..you know how many layers I have formed on top of me..so the most I can do is smile back when he smiles at me in the pantry while we stand for a cup of coffee :)

Wish there was a serum for happiness , which one could inject..just like any other drug..

Bas ek chup si lagi hai

I learnt how to add music to my blogspot Yay!

I also learnt how to cut a portion of your mp3 file Yay yay!!

So to celebrate these 2 wins of the day..I am posting one of my most favorite songs here..needless to say it depicts my mood most of the times

And I can bet, there is noone like Lata..
Her lilting voice, this purtiy in her expression, beauty of loneliness...is breathtaking

बस एक चुप सी लगी ,
नहीं उदास नहीं ... बस एक चुप सी लगी है

कोई अनोखी नहीं ऐसी जिंदगी लेकिन, खूब न हो
मिली जो खूब मिली है...

सहर भी, ये रात भी, दोपहर भी मिली लेकिन.... हमी ने शाम चुनी है :)

So guys, enjoy it if you like it!

I had thought I had lost this ability to feel hurt, raw hurt which makes one cry

But I guess I have not, today it does hurt the same old way..and I love the familiarity of it

I want to sit back and cry, and ask questions to people who will never have any answers

I want to shut that portion of my brain, which feels this way right now

I loved you

Cos you made me love myself, with much fervor
And I cant love anything, which does not let me fall in love with myself

I loved you
Cos you made me believe
I existed beyond the mundane
That magic could happen to me

And love could happen to me

I am sorry it did not last
I am sorry we did not bond
Beyond the charade of humanity

But I beg...

Find a heart which breathes for you
Find a passion, which rekindles you!

Worst of the Khan lot!

Off late I have grown this immense dislike for Salman Khan.

To describe in nutshell, he is a woman-beater, revered by many
He is a drunk driver killing people, still moving Scot-free

And now he is trying so hard to clear his image
Just recently I saw him posing for some charity function

God, these Page-3 people and their lives!!
But for God's sake, why are we ordinary mortals tortured by such exhibitions?

I mean, do you think we are fools to forget all the past deeds?

From Sangeeta Bijlani, to Somi Ali, to Aishwarya Rai..he has beaten up all his ladies
He has killed six sleeping poor people on footpath, by his drunken driving

He drips of arrogance and bad temper, whenever I see him on TV, in some reality show or a mere bollywood news

And then this jerk of a human being, is shown helping poor, working for kids?

To top it all, he isnt worth anything, even as an actor..

Guess he scores just on looks, even that he has lost most of it over time, compared to his contemporaries like Aamir and Shahrukh

I am ashamed to think of my mini-obsession with Maine pyaar kiya and the man, when I was a stupid teenager!

Football

Ok, so this is actually not a post on FIFA or anything to do with football.
This is a post more about my father.

I have a father who stays awake till 2.30 in the night to watch any sports, and then wakes up at 6 AM, to watch the highlights..and here I am, with not even 5% of interest in any sports.

Though when I was still in college and used to stay with my parents, we all were avid watchers of cricket, even lawn tennis.
Because of him I had learnt the rules of the game and jargon like "deuce" and "advantage".
I had actually started liking the game, maybe cos of his passion and interest (and an equal interest in telling us about it and of all possible ratings of players).

He used to have a big blow-up of Gabriela Sabatini in his room, and he felt that this stunning player resembled me :)

So on Sunday, he called up and was talking to Ma, and here is how the conversation went:

[I over hear Ma saying something about foot ball so I ask her to inquire as to who won]

Ma - "So who won the cup?"
Papa - "What?? The match hasn't started as yet!"
Ma - "Wasn't it supposed to be at 12 in the afternoon?"
Papa - "तुमलोग सबसे बड़े ढक हो... 12 बजे रात को है मैच " (you guys are the biggest dimwits, match starts at 12 in the night)
Ma - "आप हैं ढक" :D (You are a dimwit!)

And we laugh away to glory as he expresses his irritation over our lack of knowledge and interest!

Grief!

A friend and colleague's mom expired a couple of days back.
This same girl I mentioned in my earlier post, who laughed at my sunglasses in front of the monitor.

You don't even know but in how many ways you get attached to people around you. I never gave a thought to her, apart from work area. I dint know I would start thinking of her pain and relate myself with it.
My mind surely goes nuts when its about mothers, anyone's mother to say.

I found myself wondering if I will see the same happiness in her again, if she will again tease me or laugh the way she did earlier...cos this is one loss I cant dare to think

I visited her place, a day after this tragedy and was scared to face the situation.
I imagined her to be a total wreck, and thought she might not even want to see me or anyone for sometime. I was having such wired thoughts all this while. I hoped she is strong enough to bear this but at the same time somewhere in my mind I wanted her to break down..

Cos I believe mothers are worth all the heart-break...if a daughter/son does not lose it all, does not break down if a mother is lost, then what was that mother's worth in this world?
I feel all of us humans should leave behidnd someone, who grieves for us in a way which noone else can, whose heart bears a void for sometime, who loses sanity for a few days over us..
I think all humans deserve such a person in life..

When I met her she seemed quite normal, I even saw her laughing at something, and discussing the fatal day with details..
"It was a flat line for more than 3 minutes and docs say if the heart beat is missing for more than 3 minutes, that person's brain is dead"
"They could bring back the heart beat but she dint gain consciousness for 45 minutes..so we decided to pull the ventilator she was on"
She was giving these details with non-chalance, and I thought that when someone's is too hurt, they take refuge in such blase talks, in the details of "how"..cos they dont want to deal with the "what"..
They decided to pull the plug cos even if she was alive, she would have been brain-dead.
I can not even think of what my mind thought, I can not even pen it down...

But I could just imagine her looking at her mom while she was on ventilator, thinking this is the last time I see her breathing, this is the last time I see this woman's face..
I dont know how one deals with this...

As I am very poor in my communicative skills, when it comes to such situation, I just stared at her, at the room, at people who were chatting and laughing around and came back to think of more dreadful things...

I wish I had a boyfriend who was either a carpenter, an electrician or a plumber! Life would have been so easy then...just a thought..

Today

Getting settled in a new house is like living your life again.
Its..one HELL of a job.
Specially if its your own place and in a city which isnt your own.

In my 10 years of exile from home, I had come to pride my capability to deal with change and needs of life. I thought I can take on the world just like that.

But right now that confidence is a little shaken. I have this place where I need to get so many fittings done and no one to do it. My brother-in-law helped me with few things, like curtain rods ,but he gave up when he drilled a hole in my bathroom tile which does not seem to fit in any screw.

I have to do with no light in bathroom, since the electrician is a God and never gives "darshan".
The blaring light comes in directly in my room, to wake me up rudely every day, since the curtains are not done as yet.
And leave aside the wood work finishing, which might need a novel to be wirtten.

My meetings with the builder, his brother, carpenter, painting guy seem like an encounter always.

I am fighting to fall in love with my place, but as of now its just a source of despair.
Somehting to fix, re-fix, discard..a perpetual cycle for the time being.
Trying to get people to do that ontime, is the biggest issue

And the icing on the cake was today, when I asked a carpenter to fix a soap case in the kitchen and he just blew the pipe by drilling inside it.
And in a split second there was gush of water all over the place, with me just standing amazed in a kitchen full of water.
And then all hell broke lose....
I wanted to kill that guy and all he said was "I dint know there was a pipe inside". Now who is supposed to know that, I dont know.
Then a frantic search for a plumber began, since this building plumber has gone back home.

I called up all possible sources and finally a plumber came, who charged me a bomb, to fix it.
Then a search for some one to do the cleaning bit.

Now I have a kitcken with 2 broken tiles. So, instead of getting something fixed, something already fixed has been taken off!!

I realised my level of tension ,when at work the girl who sits next to me, started laughing at me.
Thats when I realised that instead of wearing my anti-glare glasses, I had put on my sun-glasses in front of the monitor and was panicking thinking I have gone blind!

Contradictions

I used to maintain a diary, years back. I have an account of all that I felt from 1993, till 2007. 2007 is when I started this blog of mine.

14 years of my life in 3 sets of diaries! It is much more personal and has stuff I would never dare to write on the blog. Am too private a person for that.

I was just going through some of the bits and pieces I wrote and what I gathered was this:

40% of stuff is about how horrible men are and 40% is about joys of being in love :)

And I could just smile at the contradiction thats me, or all of us are?

Men..cant do with..cant do without!

She just wants to be left alone.
Alone..totally completely
Not a single soul..people are the main cause of all anguish

She can not bear to see any faces, hear any sound
Maybe..just a baby's gurgle..Pure like flowing water

This whole armour of relationships
which she had built around her, and reveled in its richness
seems to be shredding its leaves

She feels hatred has clawed deep inside her
Sucking up all the sweetness
Making their home in every part of her body
Filling all crevices and making her into something she never thought herself to be

It feels good to hate and just hate
Seclude herself from everyone..

Cos its going to be her..just her at the end of it all

She is cutting all chords, the one closest to her heart are the first ones to go
With clinical prcision..
With a hope..maybe she will be born again

Open her eyes to another world..different people..but with her very same soul
Which loves the way it does now..which beats the way it does now
Just a different set of people maybe!