The anatomy of depression

 Sometimes in the midst of a happy moment

The black clouds of gloominess come calling for me

It appears like depression is marching towards me with its black arms spread, aiming to devour me 

I scramble to save myself, looking frantically for that dollop of sunshine I had a few moments back

Scavenging my box of golden moments to drape around me and escape the approaching beast

I try desperately to reason with the cruel mind that what I am feeling has no rhyme or reason

But the heart listens to none of my mind’s shenanigans and the body also betrays me

With time I am learning to be thick skinned and grow thorns

so that unhappiness gets bruised when trying to overpower me

But this hardening of heart seems to harden my soul too

The butterflies in the stomach are long dead

P.S - Not the best way to re-write on my blog after more than two years, but the most honest way I could think. I will never let go of this blog despite FBs and Instas ruling the social media. I hope there are people here who still want to read me.

Stop..renew..play

Boredom is creeping inside me like a deadly snake..snarling and hissing
Pouring its venom on every organ...on everyone I meet

My mind tethered to the sameness of everyday-ness...pivoting around mindless things, things that dont matter yet make me mad

I think its the time that the snake sheds its exuviae..and adorns itself with new skin

To be or not to be

Is it possible not to exist for some days, as in choose a day in the week when you dont want to exist

Non-existence- Don't confuse it with being at home and lying around and not doing anything

Its like being wrapped in a vacuum bubble, where nothing changes, nothing in the world, the world thats mine

Aaru and I both, no therapies, no physical tasks, no supplements to worry about
And that day should not count at all in history, its not a day wasted

When the whole day I tire myself with thoughts of what next to do, what next to accomplish and I hit on a spot where I feel numb by the end of the day and just vaguely wonder..if only tomorrow did not come

But tomorow I want to exist, as tomorrow is the day I began my existence :)

Rebuild me..from scratch..you(who does not exist, only in my mind now)

I surprise myself at the contradictions that I see in me, and the way I deal with different situations with contrasting attitudes

There are times when in the grimmest of grimmest moment, I have acquired a happy disposition, I am actually acting better than before, not panicking, just trusting and believing in something good.

But then comes some other times, I just break into pieces, scattered, not a bit of me knows how to arrange myself in a recognizable fashion.
Those things one might consider very small, and find an outlet to dispose off the garbage, but I find all my outlets clogged and the feeling forming a stench and stinking within me

Sometimes the small things that I wanted in life..they look so big now..
Anything unfulfilled becomes a disease, a nagging pain, an all encompassing feeling pervading every bit of you

Probably those are something so core to you, so abstract, so fragile that you had never known how to deal with them

टूट के बिखरना मुझको जरूर आता है 
वरना इबादत वाला शऊर आता है 

I, for sure, know how to break and get scattered
Otherwise I know the beauty of praying

(I think the translation is not great, and I dont know the best words to do it)

Ye dil hai

I envy people who can follow their heart.

They are the women who can do field work, men who would take up dance for a career,

Here I am, ensconsed in my corporate world, doing the stuff I have been doing for years

The only adventure in my kitty could be the decision to go to US a few years ago, just on a whim, just cos I wanted to run away from something
Then to stay there against all odds, the only girl in the entire project, with noone to turn to

But then, all that cos I was pushed to a corner

Aah..why am I talking about all that, when I should be apolgising(mostly to myself) for absconding my blog for a month

My brain must have stopped working, does marriage do that you?

Voracious writers

I have heard about voracious readers. But have any of you heard about voracious writers?

Yes, there is a category like that.

Some people just dont know when to stop writing, once they begin to write.

They have this habit of(and no knack whatsoever) dissecting every human emotion, nature, very clinically and then serving it in a platter.A dish made of amalgamation of their own sick mind, complexes, in-inadequacies.
As if they are some authority in reading human mind and its complexities

They are not even psychiatrists. It beats me how they churn boring sentences after another.

I'm talking about few specific people here(2 in mind), and I am pissed. Very, very pissed.

If only this person knew when to stop!

But just to tell them - What you write is ill-written, utterly boring, repetitive, senseless and nauseating to me. Probably over the years some people have fed you with the notion that you write well & now you have gone ballistic with it. But please read what you write. May be its not exactly what you had in mind.Your thoughts and your writings might be miles apart.

I understand that you have the rights to write whatever you wish to in the confines of your space, blog, diary, journal or whatever it is.
But stop badgering me with your over-the-top theories, ideas, conjectures, pseudo-intellectualism. It becomes difficult to even comment on another blogger cos of this.

I can not read beyond 2 lines of what you write. I swear I have tried, cos I believe in giving everyone his/her due. But I start yawning and my head hurts.
Man, you are caught in your own mesh of objectifying everything and fail to see beyond it.

And then there are some people who have created a whole blog just for me. To lament over me. The blog was created for the sake of putting me down, and it was made sure that I know of the blog, and every single post is a response to what I write here.
It makes me smirk at times, cos that's the degree of effect I had on this person.

But just a question to you, do you know the definition of a loser? Maybe just do a reality check and see if you are a synonym for it? Move on!

I could have let this go, as I have done so many times in the past, but since i have decided that I wont anymore, hence this post. Hopefully once and for all.

And I dont wish to be in the category of voracious writers, so I will stop my rant here.