Today

Getting settled in a new house is like living your life again.
Its..one HELL of a job.
Specially if its your own place and in a city which isnt your own.

In my 10 years of exile from home, I had come to pride my capability to deal with change and needs of life. I thought I can take on the world just like that.

But right now that confidence is a little shaken. I have this place where I need to get so many fittings done and no one to do it. My brother-in-law helped me with few things, like curtain rods ,but he gave up when he drilled a hole in my bathroom tile which does not seem to fit in any screw.

I have to do with no light in bathroom, since the electrician is a God and never gives "darshan".
The blaring light comes in directly in my room, to wake me up rudely every day, since the curtains are not done as yet.
And leave aside the wood work finishing, which might need a novel to be wirtten.

My meetings with the builder, his brother, carpenter, painting guy seem like an encounter always.

I am fighting to fall in love with my place, but as of now its just a source of despair.
Somehting to fix, re-fix, discard..a perpetual cycle for the time being.
Trying to get people to do that ontime, is the biggest issue

And the icing on the cake was today, when I asked a carpenter to fix a soap case in the kitchen and he just blew the pipe by drilling inside it.
And in a split second there was gush of water all over the place, with me just standing amazed in a kitchen full of water.
And then all hell broke lose....
I wanted to kill that guy and all he said was "I dint know there was a pipe inside". Now who is supposed to know that, I dont know.
Then a frantic search for a plumber began, since this building plumber has gone back home.

I called up all possible sources and finally a plumber came, who charged me a bomb, to fix it.
Then a search for some one to do the cleaning bit.

Now I have a kitcken with 2 broken tiles. So, instead of getting something fixed, something already fixed has been taken off!!

I realised my level of tension ,when at work the girl who sits next to me, started laughing at me.
Thats when I realised that instead of wearing my anti-glare glasses, I had put on my sun-glasses in front of the monitor and was panicking thinking I have gone blind!

Contradictions

I used to maintain a diary, years back. I have an account of all that I felt from 1993, till 2007. 2007 is when I started this blog of mine.

14 years of my life in 3 sets of diaries! It is much more personal and has stuff I would never dare to write on the blog. Am too private a person for that.

I was just going through some of the bits and pieces I wrote and what I gathered was this:

40% of stuff is about how horrible men are and 40% is about joys of being in love :)

And I could just smile at the contradiction thats me, or all of us are?

Men..cant do with..cant do without!

She just wants to be left alone.
Alone..totally completely
Not a single soul..people are the main cause of all anguish

She can not bear to see any faces, hear any sound
Maybe..just a baby's gurgle..Pure like flowing water

This whole armour of relationships
which she had built around her, and reveled in its richness
seems to be shredding its leaves

She feels hatred has clawed deep inside her
Sucking up all the sweetness
Making their home in every part of her body
Filling all crevices and making her into something she never thought herself to be

It feels good to hate and just hate
Seclude herself from everyone..

Cos its going to be her..just her at the end of it all

She is cutting all chords, the one closest to her heart are the first ones to go
With clinical prcision..
With a hope..maybe she will be born again

Open her eyes to another world..different people..but with her very same soul
Which loves the way it does now..which beats the way it does now
Just a different set of people maybe!

Sweetheart!

I love you two
Sweetest babies of mine
Hope you two bond
More than we sisters did

Ma will be here

Ma is coming today in the night, to settle me down at my new (my own :)) place

And I am dreading her going away after a month and half...even before she has arrived

I am dreading the void she will leave behind..after 1.5 months of togetherness

I am dreading all the fights which we will have(where I am the one shouting and she trying to pacify me) and make me feel horrible, pathetic, sad, gloomy..once she has left

I know its not a good thing to shout at her..but I also know this is something inevitable

She does irritate the hell out of me many a times.But I know I wont be able to make her see things from my point of view as well..

Amongst the things which bug me about her, the topmost is her eagerness to please everyone on this planet. And in an attempt to make un-important people happy, she irks the ones who are closest to her and who love her the most, and I feel my mother gets lost in being everyone else's mother..and I hate it!

Even if I take my lungs out in trying to make my point about something, she has this innate capability to make me talk to (or message) people I just dont wish to!

BUT...

Whenever she stays with me for a long time and goes away..I behave like a crazy person for a while

Strangely, I don't want to speak to her at all on the phone after she has left..

But I leave things around as they were, before she left..as if to cage-in her smell, her presence in my house..to feel her lingering around in these things

I leave the towel where it was..even if it makes the house look messy

I don't touch the kitchen things for sometime (she usually upheavals my kitchen setup the way she wants things to be)

I start watching the bad soap operas which she used to watch daily..just to be connected to her

I miss having her standing at the door..while I move away from the gate..that look on her face as if trying to understand if her daughter is happy..will she have a good day..I see this uncertainty on her face..which makes her look so vulnerable while she stands at the gate waving at me..

I remember as a kid, I used to tell her to keep waving till I disappear on the road..I used to keep turning back..to find her standing right there..until I could no longer see the gate!

Yet, I don't want to speak to her for some time...I don't want to hear her voice

I know Ma that the way you love me..no one can..not Papa, not even my sisters

I know in-spite of our numerous fights..I can be sure of so many things about you

Cos you are the one, who asks me "whats wrong" when I get back home from work.....you have this uncanny way of knowing it..without my showing any trace of anything being wrong..dont know how you just sense it

Cos you are the one, who reaches for my face in the night, when I turn away from you and pretend to sleep..to see if there are tears flowing..and when there are..you dont ask me the reasons..you dont teach me not to cry..but just hold me and cry with me

Cos you are the one who is not ashamed to show me how much you love me..who does not have any ego to speak in sweetest possible way, when all I am doing is fighting..who says "I feel so worried when I see you so angry" while you should be condemning me for my anger display

They don't say for nothing "Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not"

This thing called "Ma" is a totally different world!

My Ma...

My tryst with male friends

This is a post which has been in my mind for quite sometime now..
I dint know exactly when this feeling formed in me...but now that I am able to articulate it, I feel this need to write it down.

Men at my work place find me elusive (or snobbish) even though I have not got anything stuck on my face which says that. I am pretty normal friendly person (maybe not over-friendly)

And the other day a girl-friend of mine,put it very rightly and bluntly to me..
"Rajita, many men ask me about you..but I just feel that these men can admire and respect you..but they can't be your friends..they can't joke casually with you..they can't banter with you..something about you stops them. Why don't you try and be little friendly with them?"

Not that I never realized this fact..nor have I made any efforts to be like this..
I just told her..if I want these men to come closer..I would have..to let myself approachable isn't something I miss..and I am happy like this

She gave me one of those "tch tch" looks (so much like my mom) and went on about why am I not marrying...but I was hardly listening cos my brain had started working on a different line altogether

What she said, triggered a chain of thought and I wondered if sub-consciously I have worked on becoming so distant and elusive to guys at work..or am I born like this?

And a fact struck me that I never had a male friend..who could "just" be a friend to me

I had been friendly to guys at work earlier..quite friendly to say (thats another fact that these men came to me more often than me going to them.)
I used to hang out for coffee and lunches with them..and they would come over to my place also at times
I dint care what other girls felt about it..cos in my heart I dint have an ounce of attraction for any of them..and that kept me safe..in my mind.

But as it turned out..each of these friendships turned sour..cos each of these men made advances..and since I don't believe in having so-called friendship with men with a tinge of romance in the air (from any side), I had to cut them off
I used to stop speaking to them instantaneously.. one flirtatious remark..and off they go...

Just once I made a mistake of forgiving a friend (after 100 calls and sorrys) only to realize it was a blunder..cos the same pattern followed again and ended worse than before...men I tell you!

I could never understand how in a friendship, one person can fall in love and the other is hardly aware of it...cos for me, love is a very mutual thing..it cant be one sided..when 2 people are together, both of them would know if there is any chemistry or not!

Once, one of these men told me that he felt I reciprocated his feelings cos one specific day..he felt some loneliness in my eyes..and sadness..which he believed sprung out of my love for him

And I scratched my head hard to recall this day...and what exactly brought about such catastrophical conclusions from his side..

Why cant you men understand that there can be women who dont mind having a drink with you..or going for a movie or lunch..without feeling anything for you
Maybe cos of lack of company..maybe out of boredom..
They can even let you visit their place and make tea for you..cos they believe and trust you as a friend!
Every single act of theirs is not to be misinterprated to suit your whims!

Some of these friendships turned so sour, abusive and obsessive..that it left a horrible taste in my mouth for years

I started to blame myself for all this...I thought maybe there is something inherently wrong with me..which sends wrong signals to men..and they find it easy to hit on me..

But then..these are the men I have never intended to throw any signals...cos if I did..I would not have killed it at the outset

Or is it that some women are not supposed to have a light-hearted friendship with men?

Now I have become so vigilant about such people..that I would rather not have male friends, than be subject to any of the things which I went through

I fail to put my finger on the reasons for all these failed friendships...but I would certainly love to have a friend..who sees me as a human..and not just someone of opposite sex..who can wish me good..without smothering me with his love-sagas...who I can have coffee with..without the burden of underlying flirtations and romance...just like any other girl..

Thinking aloud

Why do I, at times, do something totally against my will?
Its as if I am playing a tug-of-war with myself

Something pulls me to itself with strong tenacity, and I just cut that chord which tugs at my heart
And land up flat on ground, with a thud which hurts as strong as the pull was..

"फिर न कीजे मेरी गुस्ताख निगाही का गिला, देखिये आपने फिर प्यार से देखा मुझको.." this song is playing in my ears right now, and the mood is....not so up-beat!

Tell me something smart..tell me something nice
Take me to a land..full of mischief and crime

Tell me this will last..tell me this is it!
Tell me no respite..from being me

Tell me you love me
Tell me this is true

Tell me how to be
If this is not true..