Calling it a night

Sometimes  I search for that part of me who would say something stupid which people would find witty or hilarious and burst out laughing

Which made me feel good 

Which made me feel new

As if I had something about me which I never knew and it was something special

Now

At the end of the day after broken cars and idiot drivers and moron maids... I realize with a soothing calm feeling that I CANT FIX IT ALL

so I let myself in front of the the tv  with old monk and rum and decide to call it a day and wait for another one

Hoping all of today can be wiped by tomorrow 

So what?

My earlier version was so full of "So what?"

Well, I could garner happiness with that 2 words sentence

I was alone for the longest time in my life, and to my loneliness I could say "So what?"
There were happy couples around...but that dint deter me into marriage well past the age

I dint have all the money, I had what kept me happy and content
And to those who said "You can earn much more" I would say "So what?"

It dint matter to me..as I had the deepest sense of my being..
As long as I felt hope, as long as I felt dreams floating around me..I was OK
As long as I felt beautiful..as long as I felt desirable..that's all that mattered

Other things could wait..there was still time for all of it

But now..

I am unable to say "So what?" to anything related to Aaru

When he could not walk till 2..I could not say "So what!" I burnt my ends doing exercises and running to therapies to make him walk
He is 3 and does not speak much..I cant say "So what!" I am scrambling and spending all that I have to get him to talk

That flamboyance of "So what" is gone..that intoxicating carelessness of infinite time is a story of the past

Now I feel I am in a race against time!

Saturday nights

Saturday nights..some nights when I used to think
"the world is still mine to claim"

Those lonely bus rides to some arbitrary mall..
listening to songs on head phone of some music shop..weird songs
Songs I never heard thereafter

Settling down in some dhaba..feeling like a queen among minions
Is that how it feels when the world seems just a part of you..just a speck
And you feel bigger than the world

Its been a while since I did any of that..a while when I stepped out to enjoy rain and the shiny lights of the city
A while when I was me