My moments

I went to pick up Aaru from school the other day. I usually don't go, his nanny mostly picks and drops him.

Each time I go, I wait to see him like a lover waiting for a message from a beloved.

And the moment I see him!! If I say he is the dollop of light which falls in my world each time I see him, it wont be an over-the-top statement

Each time, that moment stands out. His gaze falls on me, and his whole face and body lights up. His body language changes to that of a loved, brat-ish little boy, who knows he is my hero. We both rush to each other.

Its so strange that in that moment, I don't see who brought him to me, I don't acknowledge if anyone is smiling at me, or trying to talk to me. Its just me and him, gleeful in each others presence(just like they show in movies that the whole world is a haze and you only see the one you want to see)

And this happens e.v.e.ry.t.i.m.e I go to his school. My Aha moment.

Isn't this what love is all about or supposed to be? Love means each time you see that person, even if if you stay with him/her, just a brief 2 hours of separation and you are again new to each other. The novelty of seeing each other never fading.

I have found that love in my child.

On another note: I was telling his teachers that he has been extremely cranky off late cos of introducing a new protocol of medicines. Been crying a lot for no reason, so in case this happened with them then they need not be alarmed.

Both his teachers looked at each other and said "Araadhya crying? We have never seen him cry even once! He even fell down and hurt his nose, he just made a sound but no tears! He gets angry and sometimes throws things but never cries."

And I said to myself "after all he is my son" and many men in my life had this issue with me that I never cried, that I was hard-hearted or something? I only cried alone, if I had to. And Aaru cries only when I am around, the one person he is safest with. (Though now after Aaru, I cry easily, as if something broke inside me which I held onto for years)

The first time someone said that to me (that he would like to see me cry just once) , I was reminded of this song by Enrique Iglesias "I dont know why , I dont know why, I love to see you cry"

On nights like these

On nights like these
When sleep eludes me

Cos Aaru has woken up..with his breathing issues
And after trying to fight his and my sleep

I give in and try to make use of it
I go to the hall and put on TV

And I hear a small squeak from the bedroom, which I hoped so much not to hear
I can not sit in the bedroom and stare vacantly at walls while he sleeps

So all I can do now is take him in my lap, pour out a glass of wine..and watch TV with him sleeping in my lap..as I cant take chances with him..or with myself

Such an odd pair we are..Aaru and I

All alone, yet strong and bellowing

And at this stage all I wish..I wish earnestly as I got to know God would not listen if you just  make a wish mechanically
You got to really ask for it, and mean it

So with all in me, I try to mean what I want

That I meet someone who loves Aaru (not me or my face)..as much or maybe even half of how much I love him and how much love he deserves

That there is someone who is capable enough to help us(not monetarily but in heart and actions, not in words!!!), who would take up some doc appointments while I lie in bed without a worry as I know there is someone else there who worries for him half of as much as I do (that would be enough I tell  you)

That there is someone who would learn how much of each supplements to give him, while I can spend an extra half an hour in bed, after spending sleepless night

Oh God! What I would do to get a person like that in my life....

Start light..star bright

This feeling to be close to nature is coming so strong these days
Don't know, if it has to do with my Aaru?

Its the fact that I want him to witness all things beautiful and grand in this life and universe
....and nature is the grandest of it all..
..the waterfalls, the butterfly-filled garden and most of it...STAR LIT SKY

I keep downloading nursery rhymes for him(I learnt so many cos of him and he is so addicted to me singing it to him) and there is this one which goes
"Star light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight"

There is this panda opening a window, all big eyed and running out into the field, looking at start, climbing a ladder sky high to touch the stars, meeting birds on the way

I just found it so close to my heart, yet so out of reach..mysterious and shrouded in some memory from another life

I have seen the moon and stars lying on my back on my terrace and sleeping through the night on the terrace
Watching stars, tracing the question mark(constellation) and each time being overwhelmed by a sense of victory on finding it and also marveling at it

I wonder if I could give the same childhood to Aaru..I show him pictures of moon but struggle to show him real moon from the apartment

The nature in its richness and beauty is an answer to so many things, if only I could go close to it and experience the bliss

Rain, stars, sea, the roar..ocean ...beauty beauty beauty in abundance
Every single part of nature, has the capacity to take you away from mundane and the pain

I wish some day..some day soon...I could show the real stars to Aaru..which he so sweetly shows me with his hand movements

Sum of it all

It does not go

Whatever I say and whatever I do

This feeling does not go..and sometimes feigning that its gone...hurts and tires me more
So I would let it be

And cry..and break in my solitude..I dont have to keep myself strong always

I remember that day of knowing the diagnosis
It was not told to me right away that his blood has been sent for sampling for down syndrome, all around me knew it(Now I thank God that they hid it, cos my initial days were anyways gloomy. I was scared of so many things that if I had known this, I would not have been able to survive nor would Aaru)

It was 18th August, 2014, I walked into pediatrician's room for general check up and some vaccination. Aaru cried a bit and so did I(can not explain how tears flew down my cheeks when he cried for a vaccine injection, I was never such a soft person) and then doc said all looks well but I have not yer got reports for THAT blood test

I had heard it a couple of times by then, he kept mentioning in our earlier visits but I never paidn attention as husband never paid.
But this time I asked "But what is THAT report?"
He said "For down syndrome"

I froze

And my gut knew its true. I have no idea but the moment he said it, I knew..till then I had not double guessed anything could be wrong..but that minute I knew

Yet I started cross questioning him, as if my cross questioning would make it go away.."why would you think so"
He says " Siemen line on his palm, sandle gap in his toes, slanting eyes"
I kept staring at Aaru, but I could hear pieces of me falling around

Yet no tears, nothing outrageous
I asked where I could get the reports, he said downstairs

Husband has been avoiding it all the time. Each time the doc raised question about the report I would ask him later what that report was and he would say must be ECHO etc etc, but all those were clear long back so I have no idea why he dint even want to check the report?He could have not told me yet got to know the report.

Maybe he wanted to get out of India before the catastrophe fell and dint have to deal with a mad and sorrowful woman and list of activities which ensued once we knew the diagnosis

We went down to get the report, my heart in pieces while husband was being comical, not appreciated in anyway by me

I grabbed and opened and read "Positive", it was the fish report
No tears, nothing.

We came up and the doc very stoically said "So its positive, but the report which would make it 100% would come through karyotyping which was supposed to take another week".
I had no doubt that my baby had down syndrome, yet the husband kept asking some inane questions and I could not meet the eyes of my 18 days old son. I could not gather the courage to look at him. I dont know why I felt I had wronged him.

Husband got engaged in some birth certificate etc while I sat there, my baby wrapped in a yellow wrap sleeping beautifully. I looked at all the babies around and felt strange tinge of pain, lonelieness, envy...yet my love for this boy was not in question.

I asked husband to stop all the talking and rush home, I could not bear to be in that hospital another moment...I needed my mom, my home, my comfort.
While in car, I held Aaaru and silently cried looking out of the window. No way could I show my tears to anyone, not even husband, Cos he really seemed very detached and being with him made me feel lonelier. He sensed I was crying and all he did was patted my arms twice.

In all these years of my existence that was the first time I recall I wanted to break, just let go. And I wanted him to understand that and hold me and be broken himself. I dint want his strength , I wanted someone to feel the pain in exact measures as I felt, a party to my shattering soul, a companion in my misery. And I wanted that person to be just him, noone else. Cos he was the father , an equal in our love for Aaru
But not a squeak from him!

We reached home, the message had been sent to my sis and she was coming over. Mom dint know but she saw my face and guessed and I told her in plain words.

Husband went into the other room and I left Aaru with ma, I really wanted to know what he felt, what was our plan, wanted him to tell me it will be alright that our son will still be the best thing to have happened to us.
I went to the other room to check whats keeping him busy, he was on his laptop, I eagerly asked him what was he up-to hoping he would tell me he is gathering some information on how to deal with this all. But he said I have to submit this timesheet as its Friday!
And that moment I knew, this will be my fight..all alone..and without a word I came back to my room

The days and months after that were a haze of research, night outs, buying toys to stimulate his brain, finding which therapies he can go to, what tests to be done, all this with no help from doctors or anyone else

It hasnt been easy to say the least but I have loved every moment of it, of finding  my way through the mess.

Every single thing I learn I try it on him, new supplement, new therapy and see him change and evolve with it

We are growing each day, each minute..Aaru and I..Aaru in all his loveliness and I basking in his glory!

But some days, the memory of pain hovers over me, wringing everything inside out

you are my home

I snuggle upto him on days my heart is too withered
He pulls my hair..gives his 2 teeth bite as an approximation of kiss

I smell him and he smells of the home within me
His small frail body sings back lullabies to me..
The only place I feel safe is his round tummy

I have come to believe this one thing
that you dont need me so much baby..as much I do

You are simply complete in yourself
Its the eroded me which seeks to be mended in your beauty

Cocoon

We start with a cocoon and end in one.

Right from our birth, we begin our life inside womb, our cocoon which holds us safe, warm and secure. Thats why when babies come out, fetal position is the most comfortable one for them as they have a fear of falling, going into unknown, insecure, no-one to hold them.

And as we grow, we feel we have come out of that, we are independent, we are mature and can deal with anything in life.

But in reality we are forever looking for that cocoon, that space which holds us un-scattered, keeps our pieces together. Like the warmth of a blanket in cold night, or like a cup of hot tea in rains, like our mother's smell.

Different people have different definitions for their cocoon. Most want it in love, love of a spouse, love of siblings, love of partner, love of their kids. 

For some it could be money, social status which gives them a sense of safety.

They want to know they are loved, cared for, special and safe.

So actually we never grow, we are forever looking for our own cocoons.

My baby, you have become my cocoon right now. You dont need me, but I do. You might be happy with someone else who can give you all that I stand for, but for me you are the world, irreplaceable!

तुम आये...

कुछ अजीब सी कैफ़ियत है दिल की
जबसे तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी आखों से मिली हैं

तुम
दो आँखें है, दो प्यारे हाथ हैं (जो जब न तब मेरे बालों को खींच लेते हैं)
तुम्हारी मीठी साँसें हैं
बस यही धूरि है मेरी अब
तुम से, तुम तक ही..
मेरे दिन और रात हो गए हैं

किसी से सुना  था,
प्यार जब होता है तब ही खुद के दिल की गहराइयाँ पता चलती हैं
ये अब समझ आया है,
तुम तो लगता है मेरी आत्मा तक पहुँच गए हो
वो भी बिना कुछ बोले

शायद मेरी शकल भी अभी तुम्हारी जेहन में सही आकार नहीं ले पायी होगी
पर कभी कभी  तुम्हारी आँखें यूँ कहती हुई लगती हैं
कि चाहे मैं तुम्हें पेह्चानूं या ना पेह्चानूं
तुम्ही मेरी ख़ास लड़की हो

घर बहार, बाजार
हर तरफ तुम्हारा छोटा सा चेहरा दिखता है
मेरे अंदर की छिपी ख़ुशी को तुम्हारी शक्ल मिल गयी है

मेरे बच्चे , मेरे गुड्डे
मेरे दिल को तुमने बड़ा कर दिया और वहां प्यार ही प्यार भर दिया
जिंदगी ने एक और मौका दिया है , जिंदगी को अपने घर लाने का
अब जिंदगी चाहे जहाँ ले जाये, चाहे जो दिखाए
हम और तुम मिलके सब आसान कर लेंगें

होगा क्या हम ना जानें , नयी भर लें उड़ानें...
जज्बात ने पर हैं फैलाये , तुम आये 

My Sun,my Son

This heart can sing new songs now...
My eyes will dream for you now

Araadhya Srijan..
you are a piece of my heart, which has not been celebrated as yet
I will celebrate myself with you, once again

मेरे लाल ,
तुम तो हमेशा थे...
मेरे मन की अभिलाषा में, तन की परिभाषा में
बचपन के गुड़िया घर में
कितनी बार तुझे खेलते खेलते तोडा, तोड़ते तोड़ते जोड़ा
पाकर खोया, खोके पाया है
कहाँ से बताऊँ तू आया है, पड़ा मैंने तुझको कहाँ पाया है

मिला था मन को जब मेरे एक तन
उपजा था तू एक मधुर चाँद बन

My Child
You were always there
In all my desires and my body definition
In my doll house from childhood
So many times I have played with you and broken you
And then put back pieces of you together

I lost you and found you so many times
How do I know where you have come from
Where did I find you lying

When my soul and body were brought together
You arose from it, like sweet moon