Loving the right way

I know my capacity to love
I feel that capacity in the small things
Like how I let go of my anger.... for the worst people in my life
And this teeny weeny bit of residual loving feeling....once you filter all the hatred for them

Little things I am proud of...
....that there is a part of me which can love deliriously, uninhibited
a part of me which without getting an ounce of pleasure goes about doing things for the best of others

Love is life transforming

When someone treats you in a certain way you start becoming that person

If you are loved right, all crimes in the world would stop 

Pause, rewind, replay...please

I wont let everything in me go waste, I am just waiting

I feel there is a pause, I am living a pause..life will get on accelerated mode again

With some people even the best resort in the heart of Paris does not seem to mean a thing. The beauty of outside seems to taunt and torment the dullness inside. Your heart just does not get engrossed in anything.

And with some the dingiest bar is a place to glorify..the stupidiest joke is worth laughing a 1000 times, everything around that person makes a hell of a memory to go back and play it again and again...for making your life worth something

The parallel universe

We are here and we are there too, somewhere else in a parallel universe
Where we are someone else
There are bits and pieces of us, atoms and molecules, in another universe, maybe in the same time OR a different era

There we have forgiven many, we have settled lots of scores

We think we are but inconsequential parts of this universe, billions and trillions of us
But I believe each one of us & every single thing we do , affects the universe in a way which changes its course in seemingly minimalist way, yet remarkably

Universe is like a deck of cards, a piece goes astray, a part of it distorts, collapses
Maybe not all of us feel the decay, the collapse, but for a few it is a catastrophe
And that means something, in the larger picture

In that universe, which we are mostly not consciously living, we are avenged, sorted, at peace
Cos I cant believe all that we want to be, we want to have, if gone wrong, has no place anywhere

This feeling is very important for me to believe in, this theory I created
To be at peace with many things, as they are, in this universe!

Those beautiful ones

Those big cities with eye blinding lights seduce me in a way I cant describe

Whenever I croos continents, I cant take my eyes off from sights of citis like this, in the night

"We are crossing Geneva", the announcement is made in the aircraft and like a sucker for beauty I hang onto my window, my co passenger eyeing me if s/he mistook me for an adult

I remember as a child, I would also look out for beauty...
-Of face, of body, of scenery, of words and of pure feelings

Beauty never threatened me, it just heightened my sense of everything within me, what I sought in this world...

I dont know why sometimes I stare in the horizon in twilight..when the sun has gone down and the moom has not come up as yet..a time of the day when all that is alive is part of me
Something scathing, unsatisfied..burning in that moment..the beauty of which bewitches me..my thirst for my life resurrects..and I wish to meet that person who holds the key to my being..in the meeting of dawn and dusk

His scent - for one more season

She does not love to be loved, but just as whim
Being desirous suffices her needs

She looks at men with her kohl-ed eyes
In her Velvety heel and black shimmer dress

she can find gaps in any man, from where she can slip

She says..the wanting look in men in truthful
Not the love they wear on their sleeves

They have all loved her secret strength
Not knowing she had always been in love with a weakness

But strange things happen with her always
The more she gets detached, the more men try to get her attached
The false stability makes her further unstable in her mind

She hates to stare at her mobile for someone's name
Nameless faces make her feel  alive now

She knows the game of seduction finally tilts things
One way or another,

She knows, men will get her addicted to something, and take that away
So the only addiction she trusts now is of alcohol and desire

Some women are meant to be lonely
Men have seized to be what she wanted them to be
A tryst with herself, a lump in her throat

There has always been..
This desperate need to look for someone who is in touch with himself..
So that he can touch her soul some day

For men, her mystery ends in her body, never before and never after
She carries her mystery with herself, never willing to part

She does not believe in greatness in men, mere thought disquiets her
Its the smallness in them that lets her be what she wants to be

She has been hugged many a times, sometimes for the body
Sometimes for the sake of commitment and objectification
But nothing in synch with her, nothing of the hugs she misses

All this rigmarole, cos she tried finding his scent elsewhere, but could not
She would never know what a life with him would have been, or if any of it was worth it

The scent of belonging, the scent of her womanhood
She has not blushed in eons

Strength of the weak

"Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible. Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to do-fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible." – Richard J. Needham

Though this quote is more on a lighter note, yet I can see the seriousness and truth of it all
 I am sure we all have felt this, some or the other time in our lives
BTW, this applies to men as well
 
But here I am not sure what is weak or whats strong..
Is weak the one who revels in every move we make, every twitch of our eyebrow, every passing of expression on our face
Then we mark this person as weak, weak for loving us to bits like this
Which is actually his/her strength

Or is strong actually the weak men, who make us feel weak and clingy...in their arrogance and convoluted self-esteem
They do whats possible in them to bring the weakest in us come to surface, and turn that into their strength?
And thrive on our weakness?Deriving their strength from it?

The weak might be the bailey Irish cream, which is gentle on your nerves and gives you a mild buzz and their counterparts (aka strong) could be tequila shots which hits you instantly, makes you have more and more of it without thinking of consequences, and then gives a serious hang over when the buzz is gone

And if you love outside marriage, are you willing to leave the comforts of your bailey Irish cream for the charms of a tequila shot? Not many, very very few for sure

So all you women/men out there, who aspire to find love outside marriage, have you ever thought why you still cant leave your spouse.?
Even though s/he lacks the spunk you have, or lacks the mystery which gives you a kick

I will tell you why..

More than societal thing, or the family pressure, its your own desire of acceptance which makes it impossible to break the chains(unless there is a pressing need like adultery, violence and the likes)

We all seek acceptance, from the world, from people we love
When we grow old..we feel the world stops accepting us gradually
We feel that our charisma, which made us glow and gloat earlier, isnt enough to be loved by the changing ways of the world

The world belongs to the youth, thats a fact. Look at all the advertisements around you, they are out there to impress the young, to get them to like what they have to sell. For old ones, maybe pension plans, and for housewives the soap operas.

So we need that one person, who has seen us in our glory, in our hay days
All that we lost, is stored in that one person
We want that person around, cos s/he makes us look good
Even if we feel we lost the enigma and the charm we had earlier, we know that this one person has known us at our best
S/he has seen what we were capable of, how many hearts we could break and how many wounds we could mend

This weak person's undeterred belief in us, will see us thru the mess that we create for both of us
Even when we feel we are no more in love with that person, we can no let go
Maybe it is is another form of love, Self love transcending into love for another

Thank God, we keep our brains in check, just that bit, to never lose that one person
And we realize, life is a little more about giving in to madness
Self obsessed, selfish piece of pests that we are!


But one moment of that streak of madness, I see in another, my dark thoughts take over and I leave all my rationale...and am ready for a tequila shot

Some days I feel there is a black corpse running thru my veins

the day is shrouded in tons and tons of darkness

darkness emanating from unknown things

darkness of the sort, which only the soul can be

And I feel my heart is on the edge of the cliff,

some one just has to tip me off, just a little bit

And I will be in that overwhelming abyss

Cliche'

I try to run away from the cliched, and look for novelty..all the time..in smallest thing

A cliched joke, a cliched look, a cliched phrase..gets on to me like a parasite
The agony of living the already lived..a disgusting second hand experience

When one knows the effect of something one says, the effect is lost already
Innocence of not knowing your own charm, charms me like anything

Maybe thats why kids make my heart swell with love and happiness
They dont know what they are, unless they grow up

If you really mean something, never say it and make it a passé

In distress if someone tells you "Let it go"..you lose respect for that person, cos you know this person will never try and get into your shoes to know whats hurting and would just harp about the "Let go" mantra, oft repeated

"I am the girl who loves the rain and likes to get drenched in it" - When a girl tells me that, I lose interest in anything else that she has to say..cos I know there will be more of cliche coming my way

"I like to break rules, and live by my own" - When I guy says that, I want to ask him where did he learn this from?

I would rather be quiet than say the same thing said by many in the same situation..time and again

I say beautiful things when no-one is noticing, but the moment people start expecting...I go kaput

Give me a moment, a word, a sentiment never experienced before
When tears come cos of nostalgic happiness...sadness does not bring them

Everything beautiful in life is a way to nostalgia..
A song, a face, a fragrance ..
Making the heart heavy with beauty of everything that can be deemed beautiful in this world

And cliche can never be beautiful

I wish I could break my own cliche, 
Could I be that coquette, with those sultry eyes?
The one who woos men in the bar
I wish I knew my power beyond what I know

if love is a cliche too, then lets resort to lust

तेरी निगाहें पा गयी राहें , पर तू ये सोचे जाऊं न जाऊं न जाऊं

ये जिंदगी जो है नाचती तो, क्यों बेड़ियों में हैं तेरे पाँव ?

प्रीत की धुन पे नाच ले पागल, उड़ता अगर है उड़ने दे आँचल

काहे कोई अपने को ऐसे तरसाए ?  

(Your eyes have found the path you wanted to tread,
But you keep thinking if you should go along
This life, which dancing around you,
Then why are your feet in chains?
Dance on the tunes of love,silly
Let your veil blow away, if it has to
why should one keep oneself deprived?)

This heart is again looking for a wintry affair, this summer

When the coffee gets cold, cos the talks could not

An article and my views

Recently read this interesting article by David Bentley Hart, on Ayn Rand's writings and I cant help but agree with few not-so-good things there, even though I have been her hard-core follower. She had always affected my mind many a times in things I said or felt.
Yet there was always a dormant desire in me. to defy her theories, at times, just in small bits

http://www.firstthings.com/article/2011/05/the-trouble-with-ayn-rand

But this article is such a venomous take on her, why so much angst for a woman who just spoke what she felt was right?

Some excerpts from this article:

"Ayn Rand and her idiotic “Objectivism” are enjoying a—well, I won’t call it a renaissance, so let’s say a recrudescence"

"Civilization is always a fragile accommodation at best, precariously poised between barbarism on one side and decadence on the other...Rand was definitely on the side of barbarism."

Barbarism, how?

Though I some what agree with this "I suspect that charity really is the only way to avoid wasting one’s life in a desert of sterile egoism".

And I so not agree with this line

 "And, simply said, I cannot find much common ground with someone who believed that the principal source of human woe over the last twenty centuries has been a tragic shortage of selfishness.".

Maybe selfishness is not the single source, but one of the strongest source. Cos the definition of being selfish, as per her, is not as generally defined by us. So we need to take that in the context and not a stand alone thing.

I just laughed my head off at this: "For what really puts both Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead in a class of their own is how sublimely awful they are. "

The mentality of the herd against someone who stands out is so much around, and fills me with disgust.

When I appreciate something brilliant in other, I am pacifying that part of me which could not be all that brilliant.
But if I negate, make it sound ordinary, then there is just one word for such people "jealous".
They are condemning themselves by denying others uniqueness

Just cos they could not be unique, they try to form a herd of people, who would profess to believe in that no-one is unique, all are the same
But silently, and cleverly, they would ry to establish their upper hand on the other, by forming incomprehensible sentences to intimidate the other. And finally telling that you are ordinary, but I am not, since I know I am ordinary....ha!

People look for redemption in others, for their own misery, they always want to hold someone responsible

As Ryan Said : “They hate you for the greatness of your achievement. They hate you for your integrity. They hate you because they know they can neither corrupt nor ruin you” -  I also say that people hate you for your strength, people hate you cos you dont fall apart, people hate you cos you dont even regard them with a hate and intensity which they ask of you.
Some strands of recognition is all they need, from you

But the side note on this line,in that articel, is really funny (Bloody they—I never could stand those swine.)

:D

Not a bad article in all,it is the author's interpretation and personality which s/he reflects in hi/.her likings and disliking. So has he done it here. But nevertheless, I found it harmless & funny.

He reminded me of that novel again by writing such excerpts : For her, the world really was starkly divided between creators and parasites, and the vast majority of humanity belonged to the ranks of the latter. “I came here to say I do not recognize anyone’s right to one minute of my life,” Roark continues, “nor to any part of my energy, nor to any achievement of mine.”

I absolutely loved that part in "Fountainhead", And just for this, I can be in love with her!

 I had written a similar draft in my post which said(though the context here is different) :
"Well, another has only as much hold on you, as much as you give them at any point in time
Never more!
So if someone wishes to be obsessed with you, but if you wish to extricate yourself. You have all the right to. Everything gone in between you 2, before has no meaning. All that we have is today, and today I am allowed to despise someone, and stay away.
One cant hold a moment of past in their kitty to hunt someone down.
Unless of course I have killed someone, or tortured, then I cease to be human and no human rights are not applicable to me"

This paragraph in the article made sense to me in bits and pieces, but not really, cos Ryan emphasized on these attributes, but not denied that there can not be anything apart form this.(If she did then maybe in my mind I have obliterated it)

"Rand really imagined that there could ever be a man whose best achievements were simply and solely the products of his own unfettered and unaided will. She had no concept of grace, even of the ordinary kind: the grace of an existence we do not give ourselves, of natural powers with which we could never have endowed ourselves, and of all those other persons on whom even the strongest among us are dependent. She lacked any ennobling sense that what lies most deeply within us also comes from impossibly far beyond us, as an unmerited gift. She liked to talk about “virtue” a great deal—meaning primarily strength of will and the value that one creates out of one’s own native resources—but for her the only important question regarding the relation between the individual and society was who has a right to what. That is, admittedly, a question that must be asked at various times, but it is never the question that true virtue—true strength—asks of itself."

But Kudos to this para, I know some people who do exactly this, so I just clapped my hands in glee for saying what exactly I have in my mind:

"And, really, what can one say about Objectivism? It isn’t so much a philosophy as what someone who has never actually encountered philosophy imagines a philosophy might look like: good hard axiomatic absolutes, a bluff attitude of intellectual superiority, lots of simple atomic premises supposedly immune to doubt, immense and inflexible conclusions, and plenty of assertions about what is “rational” or “objective” or “real."

Beyond that I could not concentrate more, since too much of negative energy anywhere is not my cup of tea.Thats why I restrain from beign sarcastic, mean and vomit my hatred for anyone in paper.

“There are two ways through life,the way of nature and the way of grace. We have to choose which one to follow.” ~ The Tree Of Life
I choose grace, let others choose their real nature

So Mr.David, you do have substance and potential. Please use it constructively and not by attacking one Ms. Rand

Osmosis

When all the hate is gone, maybe cos of time or cos of your own prejudices giving way
Then there is an osmosis

Osmosis is a movement of solvent from the less concentrated to the more concentrated solution,, which tends to reduce the difference in concentrations

So when the hatred and anger moves out of their portion in my heart, all the love comes gushing in, soaking me in it

Cos there is only so much love that you can muster, only so much hatred that you can give, only so much grief which you are capable of feeling

Like a pendulum, which can oscillate only in the confines of its highest amplitude

What after that?

So I sit there, in love with all of them, whom I have hated earnestly

Impermeable me

I have become impermeable.
By dictionary definition it means "Not admitting of passage or capable of being affected".

Nothing touches me: sorrow, joy, love

Nothing people say or think about me affects me.
I am a know-all.

If you tell me I am too quiet, I will tell you, you are too loud
If you tell me I am snooty, I will think you have an inferiority complex

If you try giving me advice, I will find it banal and look in the other direction, waiting for you to stop speaking
If you say you care for me and hence the advice, I will doubt your whole ancestry

I am filled to the brim with wisdom, some collected and some crafted
I reek of notions, believes and myself

I wish someone could drill a hole in my brain, take out all undeserving and unwanted rotting intelligence

And I can lay supine for a while, vulnerable and impressionable

To all those who can be-dazzle

"He said that I be-dazzled him. He could not think straight in my presence"

"How can someone be enamored by you?" - He sneered

She recoiled at his usual disgust for anyone who appreciated her

"Its cos he sees me, the way world can not..the way you could never"

"There is nothing much to see or discover. I was never overwhelmed by you"..oh damn his nonchalant tone, which he usually acquires when he is most threatened

"I overwhelm those who I wish to."
Will a cockroach ever admire intricacies of a human brain? - She bemused!

She felt sad for spending long years with a person who never saw her, she felt sad for not knowing what she had settled for..for so long

How could a person, blinded by his own inadequacies, make her feel cherished?
How could she find love in a person who was not fit enough to love even himself?
What is it she searched for in him...when he himself dint know his path?



They say I am proud, too proud
Does my pride offend them?
They want to kill my pride, in order for them to be alive?

They say I am either silent or loud, too silent or too loud
"Too" for whom? "Too" by whose standards?

All this, when I never even asked them for an opinion, in the first place

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.” – William blake

She feels as if she has been blown away..up in the air
Like an un-tethered kite, she flies up and up
No shackles to pull down, none to stop the ascent

The relationships, the drama, the love, the hatred
All are but a facade, which keeps going for life
Seeking your own self, is the ultimate aim
Seeking imageries of what you lost or never had

They say there is no place like home
But she makes a home of wherever she goes

If at the airport, reading a book and sipping coffee is bliss, thats home to her
If a kid flays arms and runs to her, just for a hug..that's home to her
Watching a movie with some tea and popcorn, gives her a home

Home is where the heart can find a moment's rest, and parched soul is rejuvenated
Home is where she chooses it to be!

She begins, where your comprehension ends

He loves her in strange ways..
Strange is the only way she can be loved

Not like a woman ,
Not like a beloved, or a sweet sister or a mother

Perhaps like an apparition

Let others have a life of love
a life of celebration
But you have pined and settled for her
So you have her to bear

He thinks she has the secrets, of his happiness
She has the secrets of oceans and rains within her

She needs subjugation

If you can not overpower her,
You do not exist outside of her

Accept and surrender
That's the only way things work with her

Cos she knows,
She is not alone in her loneliness,
she is the celebration

And she believes
She begins, where your comprehension ends

And maybe , she will set your soul free..someday


Inspired by lines from Pablo Neruda's poem

I love her as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul ~ Pablo Neruda

To all those who can be-dazzle

"He said that I be-dazzled him. He could not think straight in my presence"

"How can someone be enamored by you?" - He sneered

She recoiled at his usual disgust for anyone who appreciates her

"Its cos he sees me, the way world can not..the way you could never"

"There is nothing much to see or discover. I was never overwhelmed by you"..oh damn his nonchalant tone, which he usually acquires when he feels most threatened!

"I overwhelm those who I wish to."
Will a cockroach ever admire intricacies of a human brain? - She bemused!


They say I am proud, too proud
Does my pride offend them?
They want to kill my pride, in order for them to be alive?

They say I am either silent or loud, too silent or too loud
"Too" for whom? "Too" by whose standards?

All this, when I never even asked them for an opinion, in the first place

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.” – William blake

This thing called?

There was this thing in me
Which moved around...

Within me and outside of me

A Pulsating, throbbing being
Made of euphoria, drugs and tiresome happiness

As if there was a race, between molecules and atoms..of what I am

It used to reach any place, always before I did

And would paint them red/blue/green
The colours of my desire..

In a room full of people
It would sit between me and them

Letting me be secluded, yet making me laugh with them
Letting me be a person who could be loved

It was that which made my boredom with people tolerable
It was that which kept me interested, in most mundane things

It would shield me...from my nemesis..that's me

It left me now, leaving me to be hounded
By the other me

Knowing her

She can not make small talk with women
She does not know of things they talk of
The recipe...the mother-in-laws..the kids..
It does not interest her

But she knows
She can enthrall anyone, who is her kind
She can dance like no other woman can
Given a stage..where she is the goddess

she hates it when people say "take care"
She wonders why people even bother to say such cliched things
She never learnt to say such words

She cant differentiate between mild flirting and immense liking
If she thinks someone is capable to be flirted with,
Then this someone is the one she could truly like, for whatever time that is

She does not believe in being friends with anyone
she does not believe in friendship..with anyone
This whole charade of friendship puts her off!

She loves the word "promisicuous"..it has a ring to it
A charm and a tantalizing effect

She expects the world from people..
she wants magic to happen..
she wants people to cancel their important meetings..miss their flights to be with her..
She wants them to do something out of their character..

But on the face of it...she lets it all go..till these expectations sit like a big weight on her head

All she can do, when she feels an overwhelming emotion is
Downcast her eyes and fight to control her tears

Or sometimes just give an awkward hug
hung somewhere..never culminating in a true hug

And she does not believe in loving anyone anymore
Love is just her whim

Its a platter which she can decorate with the person she feels like..

She is always pressed for time..always
She can not afford to concentrate on anything anymore
Everything is fleeting..

Maybe cos she believes in life being fleeting and wants to grasp all that she can
Or maybe..nothing registers for a moment longer in her mind

She rushes through the day...always thinking what lies ahead..whats next to be done..whats next to combat

If she is at work..she is thinking of household things..if watching tv..she is juggling between laptop and tv..trying to grab both..but doesn't seem to register either

So today, when she was hurrying in front of the mirror..getting ready to go out..something in her eyes caught her..her own image...

Maybe what caught her attention was the innocence in her eyes..which she thought she had lost..

And she wondered..when was the last time she felt so beautiful..and could not remember
A long long time ago

Bas ek chup si lagi hai

I learnt how to add music to my blogspot Yay!

I also learnt how to cut a portion of your mp3 file Yay yay!!

So to celebrate these 2 wins of the day..I am posting one of my most favorite songs here..needless to say it depicts my mood most of the times

And I can bet, there is noone like Lata..
Her lilting voice, this purtiy in her expression, beauty of loneliness...is breathtaking

बस एक चुप सी लगी ,
नहीं उदास नहीं ... बस एक चुप सी लगी है

कोई अनोखी नहीं ऐसी जिंदगी लेकिन, खूब न हो
मिली जो खूब मिली है...

सहर भी, ये रात भी, दोपहर भी मिली लेकिन.... हमी ने शाम चुनी है :)

So guys, enjoy it if you like it!

Just a mad day!

We cry..cos we want things! We feel angry..cos we belive we are entitled to happiness! We feel sad..cos we think we deserve the best.we feel dejected..cos we compare.

SOOOOO..how will it be if we think we don't deserve anything..or if we feel happy for whatever others have got..and it does not matter if we get all the love, money and care in this world??
Would be fun I guess..when you no longer disassociate yourself and your happiness from happiness of others..when you want things beyond the realm of self-gratification

Well..she is having such thoughts cos she is in a state of delirium today..
Sometimes a day seems like a fight..and every single person seems to cause anxiety to her...
She feels she is dealing with too much all alone..house..work..and the growing heat!
She is running fever and misses someone to fuss over her..not that people dont care or dont ask..but just that special warmth..which comes only with an overpowering love..maybe she is missing her mom

She feels she has stopped throwing tantrums..cos she knows there is noone to bear it..she has stopped demanding things..cos there is noone to fulfill..she does not feel she has the right at anything..cos there is noone who will stand by her, in all her eccentricities
She wonders if we do need that someone..or is the need created by seeing others having that comfort with another person..where they can be themselves!

She thinks too much and speaks so less now..

The only solace she has is..one day all this will be gone..nothing is permanent..this transience brings her peace!

But just sometimes..she wants a heart..where her own heart can rest..safe and smug!