"How our dreams become tainted by reality, how we can turn them into desperate obsession for which we sacrifice the essential sense of dignity and integrity that we yearn for, when we indulge in a dream"
- Lines from a novel "Things I have been silent about" by Azar Nafisi.

So very true and strikes a chord somewhere. This is a novel on Iran's political turmoil, Iran-Iraq war and her personal life (mostly her parents and her own marriages). Very well written and interesting, though I never liked auto-biographical books earlier.

I so agree with this line, that we turn our dreams into desperate obsessions..craving for some image we have, of ourselves, of our lives...and we make such blunders just to see a glimpse of that dream somewhere..in someone..in something

Over-simplification

I know I am not a genius..yet I acknowledge people who are
I know I am not a know-all...yet I admire people who are

But I know of some people who think they are an authority in everything, which constitute a human

They know what love is...they can name anything right ..if they find it deem-able

And I know..how I hate such people

Cos they don't even know that they have succumbed to their weakness...in failing to acknowledge anything above them
They have given in to their own failings!

They think..all humans are alike..cos they could not be at par with many people they know
They think they can name anything as love..cos they have been obsessive about a love they could not have
They think the whole world loves them..cos they know in their hearts that they have nothing uncommon in them to be loved

I have known such people..I have been a victim of such obsessions...
And I just want to tell them..see a world which you can not define
Find mystery in something you can not resolve

I remember someone I knew once telling me..I can be an Einstein one day...and a duffer the next..and I revolted to that idea at that time..and even now..I just feel people try to take refuge in such notions..just cos they could not be something as great greatness...

Things don't become mundane just cos you can not solve them
You do not become an Einstein, just cos you think so!

From self...to...home

I can see a shift in me off-late, which I find very refreshing (for some reason, don't know why!)

These days, I don't long for new clothes, or shoes or cosmetics.

And there was a time, when crossing any shop which displayed something interesting, would draw my attention and I would end up spending tons on things I never budgeted for..

If I could not buy, I would dream of those things...till I acquired them!

But now, the same delicious longing comes to me when I see some nice decor..a piece of art...or any living room concept...

I look for such things when I cross any mall, shops..

They excite me the same way..as clothes used to earlier

Now I enter lifestyle showroom, casting indifferent looks to the vanity sections..and roaming around the home section with a zeal which was just reserved for clothes and accessories

I ask about the kind of wood used, I look at the design and figure out if its contemporary or antique..
I think of my house and imagine some of those stuff decorating some area of my place, I think of how and where to put some stuff..

I wonder whether I should go with the current contemporary look of my house..or mix it with an Indian, ethnic touch...

I want candles, lanterns, beauty, mystery all around me...

Its an invigorating feeling...and I hope all the tension and stress I had to go through..was worth it..

Till I start staying with you...I will dream of you my home :)

Uff teri Ada..

Uff teri ada...Something about the song reminds me of myself...
The drinking..dancing...coming back to get another sip..and then going back to dance :)

When was this...few years back..few months back?

Dont remember..but it used to be fun

A breeze

Today I crossed K.T.Apartments in millers road..a place in Bangalore where I used to stay 7 years back...
Whoa!How time flies...

I remember my last few days in Hyd..I was sick..and I had to manage everything on my own..movers and packers..clearing of all bills...et al..

My stomach was giving me a tough time and I ate almost nothing in my last few days there..
But I was dying to be in B'lore..and away from Hyd...so this feeling gave me all the energy to go through the grind..

And today..when I crossed that apartment..all the moments spent there touched me like a gentle breeze..

Addu..Anu di..our fights...new year parties...drinking and making a scene
Those magical nights..when I would be sitting behind a bike..with no care in the world...laughing to my heart's content...or drop dead angry...yet not ready to let go
Infinitea...tea sessions..with fish and chip....

Making excuses over the weekend to go out...and Anu di(my elder sis) acting like a CBI officer..ready to follow me and watch my every move :)

And finally...seeing all of them go away...
8th October 2004..someone close left for the US..
and then 10th October 2004...Anu di and Addu left for Mumbai

I was numb..in new house,with a new girl, whom I dint know..and no soul to call my own!

I felt like I used to feel as a kid...when my mom left me to go out for some shopping
I used to feel as if eveyrone around is a hostile alien..ready to hit me
My only protector was my mom..and if she was not there..I was not safe

The same feeling hit me...on 10th Oct..when all my close ones left me alone in this city..and I had no clue where to go from there...

All this came back to me today..when I crossed that apartment..the sweet bitter things!

A conversation

"You thought I could have ever loved you?"

"So you used me?"

"I don't want to ans you..."

"I need an ans!"

"Well..you were ready for this..so you cant blame me.."

"What the hell do you mean??"

"You were ready to fall in the abyss..that I led you into..now don't you dare act prudent about it"

"!!!!!..why the hell do you hate me so?"

"How can you want everything so perfect..how can you know all the details to the centimeter?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well..you just seem to know everything about everything..the rum was just 60 mm left..the lamp was placed to the left when we left last.."

"Soooooo??"

"There is no mystery with you..there is no chaos..everything is in order"

'And you hate it??"

"yes !! I hate order in life...you make me feel as if everything was planned..why cant you ever falter?"

"Cos I just know things..cos I consider all outcomes.."

"Then why dint you consider the outcome..that I could totally fall out of love..out of you?"

"Cos I believed in me..in us"

"Huhhhh Us??!!!!whats 'us' here? I am me and you are you...did you ever realize this truth?"

"Dint you ever feel anything for me"

"I did...maybe just for a while..when there was a mystery about u..when I could sense a feeling of possibility..when I could believe in my dreams..and believed you fitted them.."

"I am the same..what happened then sweetheart?"

"You happened..in its finality!"

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing..just be yourself..yet make me want you again and again...make me feel the rush in my veins..make me remember the forgotten songs...make me feel like a girl from yesterday..."