Moments of God

Every morning I like to grab all things auspicious

I sit down with my lemon tea and smell it deep...trying to breathe in bits of pleasure

I savor my son's half baked smile..when he is half awake and smiles like a dream
Sleepy yet trying to return my false exuberance

And I sing for him "Say hello to the Sun..shining down on me"

I pay my attention to Ma's chit chat..Ma who has been with me..my only solace and punching box in the last 2 years..

I try to do my part of the work in the morning, trying to keep my heart light
Pumping in energy by trying to steal it from Aaru..No No..not steal, but multiply

Then we all sit down. Aaru eats, Ma feeds and I sit on the side having tea and whatever is left of the morning's beauty

I call these moments of my life now..moments of God..
When s/he is holding me upright to combat the rest of the day

Who knows what the day would bring in?

She and Me

No, she is not my role model. There are so many things I would have wanted her to do differently
Be bolder, stand up for what she wanted and deserved, not be a push over..are some of the thing

I believe in breaking things rather than preserving thier ashes
If something does not work out, get rid of it..anything if not wanted in its totality is a clutter..and life should be free of clutter
But she keeps asking me to preserve, to hold on to things till they fall out of my hands without my mistake
And I either get irritated or laugh at her stale values

Yet, when I speak a harsh word with anyone, when I shout at auto-rickshaw guy, I have this nagging feeling of going an notch below in my image in her eyes

Cos I was always this soft girl, who could not fight the world(Now all I do si fight)

No, she was not a dancer. I dont know whose genes I inherited for the danseuse in me.

"हट बे निखाटू गंवारवा मैं तेरे संग ना जाउंगी " - My mother would teach us this dance in her clumsy, faltering, endearing way

Yet to me, till date, thats my sweetest memory of anything close to sweetness

No, she might not be so good in English, or have had as good an education as we had, or maybe we were a tad better student than her

Yet, my oldest  memory of education is about her asking me to write 100 times in a book, something I could not remember easily

My purest feelings, my overwhelming love and my maddening  anger, I feel only for her

Happy mother's day Ma!

माँ और माँ की जाई 

A few good things

I have these small pots in my house, with plants and flowers.
6 of them.

I never had a thing for plants, or anything to do with aesthetics of the house, till I got my own pad.

My mother has a beautiful terrace garden and gardening is a passion for her.

So I bought these, while she was here with me, and took tips from her how to take care of them.

After she left, the plants were not doing too good.
Some died, some turned into this reddish-grayish colour, which made them look unhealthy.

There was one plant, a small flower made of green petals, some variety of cactus I guess. That was the most beautiful of them all.

It started drying and dying, but I put my heart in it.

Took it out for sunshine, put fertilizers and water..cos it was really pretty and I wanted it to survive.

And it started breathing, the old flower petals fell off and I could see 3 small, petite buds coming out.
It was a weird feeling, something like giving birth...my own creation

Few days back Ma suggested that I should take out all soil from all pots, clear the roots of some plants and re-plant them.

I spent an hour in doing all that.

But the very next day my favorite plant died.
It was a sudden death. The 3 pretty flowers, all 3 of them, turned gray and shriveled.
I might have done something to the roots, in the process of re-planting.

It made my heart churn a bit when I saw them.

I immediately called Ma and told her in an anguished tone.
She just said - "Dont worry, I will buy you new ones when I come there"

I dint know sometimes such small things work wonders. I was instantly appeased.
I dint know Ma's words could work on me...even now.

I felt like that small girl, who used to go to Ma if a doll was broken.
And Ma would tell me "I will buy you the one you always wanted"

It was as simple as that.

After that, looking at the plant dint cause much grief.
I was assured that the pain I felt earlier, will be taken care of now.
By Ma.

If there is someone who tells you s/he will take care of whats gone wrong in your life, its all that we need at times.

Whether it is taken care of or not, might cease to matter later.

I realised we have to let that part of our heart untouched, a part which gets affected by other's small gestures..which I thought I closed long back

I am so doing it again!

Calling her 10 times in a day for nothing, feeling zombied, every other minute my thoughts going to her

Ma is leaving tomorrow..

There are things I want to undo, harsh words I want to erase, indifference I want her to forget
And all this, cos I love her to bits and I don't know any other way to show it

But I also know, things will be the same..I will continue to get irritated, and she will continue to be the same...and I have accepted to live with it..I just need to soften my edges and mould them..to not cut her apart..as I do sometimes

Slowly I have come to realize that she is made of stronger stuff than I

I don't know Ma how you can still be so rock solid inside..when I am so scattered
How you continue to hold your views and opinions so doggedly..while mine gets lost in my ever changing moods

I see myself in you sometimes, and you in me
I see those insecurities, which are part of me too and I want to protect you from them
But in order to protect..I hurt!

I have no clue how to put this together, what I feel, those little things..little moments..

Every weekend you would ask me.."where do we go today"..we roamed around the city looking for things for my new place..
Every day you would think of new things to buy for my place..specially for the kitchen (which is your most favorite place and mine least)..
The sweetness with which you suggested how to make my place more beautiful

I felt like I have a doll-house and we are playing a game of decorating it..

I know you will be back soon..but for now I will be getting back to an empty house again!

Ma will be here

Ma is coming today in the night, to settle me down at my new (my own :)) place

And I am dreading her going away after a month and half...even before she has arrived

I am dreading the void she will leave behind..after 1.5 months of togetherness

I am dreading all the fights which we will have(where I am the one shouting and she trying to pacify me) and make me feel horrible, pathetic, sad, gloomy..once she has left

I know its not a good thing to shout at her..but I also know this is something inevitable

She does irritate the hell out of me many a times.But I know I wont be able to make her see things from my point of view as well..

Amongst the things which bug me about her, the topmost is her eagerness to please everyone on this planet. And in an attempt to make un-important people happy, she irks the ones who are closest to her and who love her the most, and I feel my mother gets lost in being everyone else's mother..and I hate it!

Even if I take my lungs out in trying to make my point about something, she has this innate capability to make me talk to (or message) people I just dont wish to!

BUT...

Whenever she stays with me for a long time and goes away..I behave like a crazy person for a while

Strangely, I don't want to speak to her at all on the phone after she has left..

But I leave things around as they were, before she left..as if to cage-in her smell, her presence in my house..to feel her lingering around in these things

I leave the towel where it was..even if it makes the house look messy

I don't touch the kitchen things for sometime (she usually upheavals my kitchen setup the way she wants things to be)

I start watching the bad soap operas which she used to watch daily..just to be connected to her

I miss having her standing at the door..while I move away from the gate..that look on her face as if trying to understand if her daughter is happy..will she have a good day..I see this uncertainty on her face..which makes her look so vulnerable while she stands at the gate waving at me..

I remember as a kid, I used to tell her to keep waving till I disappear on the road..I used to keep turning back..to find her standing right there..until I could no longer see the gate!

Yet, I don't want to speak to her for some time...I don't want to hear her voice

I know Ma that the way you love me..no one can..not Papa, not even my sisters

I know in-spite of our numerous fights..I can be sure of so many things about you

Cos you are the one, who asks me "whats wrong" when I get back home from work.....you have this uncanny way of knowing it..without my showing any trace of anything being wrong..dont know how you just sense it

Cos you are the one, who reaches for my face in the night, when I turn away from you and pretend to sleep..to see if there are tears flowing..and when there are..you dont ask me the reasons..you dont teach me not to cry..but just hold me and cry with me

Cos you are the one who is not ashamed to show me how much you love me..who does not have any ego to speak in sweetest possible way, when all I am doing is fighting..who says "I feel so worried when I see you so angry" while you should be condemning me for my anger display

They don't say for nothing "Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not"

This thing called "Ma" is a totally different world!

My Ma...

Ma

I dont think I can love anyone or anything more than you Ma
I just learnt that you have got ostoe arthritis
And I have been thinking how to alleviate this pain from you

I am sorry Ma if I shouted at you..cos I dint know what else to do
I am sorry if I am not as you might have wanted me to be..the docile daughter

But if you are not there with me..there is a void nothing in this world can fill
However much I get irritated with you..and shout at you
your sweet face and mannerisms..haunt me when you are not with me

I will do anything to be with you and keep you happy
But just that when you are with me..I turn into this extremely nasty person
Guess I can do it only with you...

Today in the morning you called me and were trying to explain something to me
And as usual I lost my patience and asked you to hurry up
You still continued in that sweet tone of yours..which makes me feel like a monster later

Do you remember all the times we had together
Some of the days just flash in front of my eyes..

I must have been 4-5 years old..and was riding a tricycle
You were busy cleaning clothes and seemed totally tired of it
I came to you and said..Ma where do you want to go..I will take you away from this work..you smiled and said anywhere..and kissed my forehead...
I dont know if you recall this..but I do..cos I felt..you saw in me something I dint know about myself

There are many such defining moments..but not enough words to express them

I dont know what will I be..if I dont have you in my life

To my sweetest Ma! I love you!

Ma is here

ma abhi aayi hui hai mere paas..hamesha ki tarah bahut saari baatein, shikayatein or hansi saath leke
ma jab bhi aati hai, papa din mein 10 baar call karte hai..and I get so irriatted by that...cos when ma is there, he does not bother to spend much time with her...always busy in playing chess on net, or trying to upload some video..basically everything to do with interent..he is like a child..he gets to know something new and tries it to his heart content..forgetting the whole world
But when ma is here...he would call her to share smallest possible thing...complain to her about maids...gossip about family..he gets jealous about what we two must be talking about..what fun we might be having?
I find it so funny..and sometimes I shout at him for calling and disturbing her so often..
Ma's presence is so comforting..in all her innocence and hopes for a perfect world..I find her so naive and sometimes that irritates me too...irritable person that I am

kal raat hum ma ke saath jab so rahe the..she was filling me with stories..pata nahin kiske baare mein...and more than the story..i liked the soothing lilting voice of hers filling the room..kuch bhoola bisra sa yaad aa raha tha..gungun sa kamra...hanste log..heart full of hope..the lost innocence....

Parents

When I was young I used to be scared of my mom more than my father. She always stood for everything that was right..and my father used to pamper us(or maybe he was too much in his own world to bother about our mischeifs)

We were 4, quite a bunchful for anyone to drive them nuts...so were my poor parents many a times (and other times they were drivng us crazy)


I remember at times when Papa would get sick of my bad behavour, he used to say "I will tell your Ma when she gets back home"..which, to this date, I find very funny. He just could not and did not want to deal with us.

But when it came to academics..I always wanted to do as my father wished..and keeping up to his expectations was always my motive. My smallest accomplishments were complete only when I saw just a gleam in his eyes (he has never been too vocal about his feelings..and so aren't the rest of us)

Now that I have grown up.. I wonder do I think of all that now? Do I wish to be right in my mom's eyes or intelligent for my father..and I am amzed at how things change as you grow

Now all my fears and anxieties "from" them are "towards" them..is it because with each new generation the older generation's thoughts and views become outdated..and what they think does not affect the newer generaiton?

Sometimes my mom looks scared of us..she does not know if she is right anymore..she chooses her words to talk to us..and tries to pamper us all the time...I might not acknowledge it all the time and might get irked by her many times..but in the essence of it..lies a vulnerable woman who does not know if her morals, principles and views hold true anymore

In some novel by milan kundera I read that "the daughter was agitated about something and was vehemently telling this to her father. And her father, more than agreeing/disagreeing with her, was deriving the enegry of youth emnating from her. He felt rejuenated, cos the fact that the younger generation still considered him worthy enough to speak their mind to him, energized him and he felt somehow he belonegd to this new generaiton." So true, yet so pitiable.


We all want to be young forever..and give in to folllies of the youth again, if it was possible..cos youth grants everything..makes everything permissible..

But the stregnth of youth is not to make the older generation look weaker..and if it does, its the duty of the youth to make them feel a part of them

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone


So if their hearts are us, outside their bodies, then what makes them different from us...we are what they are..and each of our accomplishments is theirs!

This is to tell you ma and papa..wherver I go...however much I fight with you...you would always be my priority in life...and any love in this world is not comparable to what I feel for you..cos I know you cant love anyone more than you love me!