On nights like these

On nights like these
When sleep eludes me

Cos Aaru has woken up..with his breathing issues
And after trying to fight his and my sleep

I give in and try to make use of it
I go to the hall and put on TV

And I hear a small squeak from the bedroom, which I hoped so much not to hear
I can not sit in the bedroom and stare vacantly at walls while he sleeps

So all I can do now is take him in my lap, pour out a glass of wine..and watch TV with him sleeping in my lap..as I cant take chances with him..or with myself

Such an odd pair we are..Aaru and I

All alone, yet strong and bellowing

And at this stage all I wish..I wish earnestly as I got to know God would not listen if you just  make a wish mechanically
You got to really ask for it, and mean it

So with all in me, I try to mean what I want

That I meet someone who loves Aaru (not me or my face)..as much or maybe even half of how much I love him and how much love he deserves

That there is someone who is capable enough to help us(not monetarily but in heart and actions, not in words!!!), who would take up some doc appointments while I lie in bed without a worry as I know there is someone else there who worries for him half of as much as I do (that would be enough I tell  you)

That there is someone who would learn how much of each supplements to give him, while I can spend an extra half an hour in bed, after spending sleepless night

Oh God! What I would do to get a person like that in my life....

Start light..star bright

This feeling to be close to nature is coming so strong these days
Don't know, if it has to do with my Aaru?

Its the fact that I want him to witness all things beautiful and grand in this life and universe
....and nature is the grandest of it all..
..the waterfalls, the butterfly-filled garden and most of it...STAR LIT SKY

I keep downloading nursery rhymes for him(I learnt so many cos of him and he is so addicted to me singing it to him) and there is this one which goes
"Star light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight"

There is this panda opening a window, all big eyed and running out into the field, looking at start, climbing a ladder sky high to touch the stars, meeting birds on the way

I just found it so close to my heart, yet so out of reach..mysterious and shrouded in some memory from another life

I have seen the moon and stars lying on my back on my terrace and sleeping through the night on the terrace
Watching stars, tracing the question mark(constellation) and each time being overwhelmed by a sense of victory on finding it and also marveling at it

I wonder if I could give the same childhood to Aaru..I show him pictures of moon but struggle to show him real moon from the apartment

The nature in its richness and beauty is an answer to so many things, if only I could go close to it and experience the bliss

Rain, stars, sea, the roar..ocean ...beauty beauty beauty in abundance
Every single part of nature, has the capacity to take you away from mundane and the pain

I wish some day..some day soon...I could show the real stars to Aaru..which he so sweetly shows me with his hand movements

Rain rain...dont go away

It was raining heavily yesterday..and I wanted to get drenched
The desire to get soaked and just let myself be in the downpour was so intense

There was a time when I used to do it back home, every year on the terrace..at the onset of monsoon

But this time, the posh apartment, lack of my own big balcony or terrace..the people around stopped me

I wanted to hold Aaru and let him experience this beauty of rains..the amalgam of heaven and the earth..me and him.
But his ear infctions..him small nose and ear passages which make him prone to lots of disease , stopped me further

I just wish a time would come..when mt inhibitions..his ailments mean nothing

And I can just hold him under the sky...with the rain dropping on us

Sum of it all

It does not go

Whatever I say and whatever I do

This feeling does not go..and sometimes feigning that its gone...hurts and tires me more
So I would let it be

And cry..and break in my solitude..I dont have to keep myself strong always

I remember that day of knowing the diagnosis
It was not told to me right away that his blood has been sent for sampling for down syndrome, all around me knew it(Now I thank God that they hid it, cos my initial days were anyways gloomy. I was scared of so many things that if I had known this, I would not have been able to survive nor would Aaru)

It was 18th August, 2014, I walked into pediatrician's room for general check up and some vaccination. Aaru cried a bit and so did I(can not explain how tears flew down my cheeks when he cried for a vaccine injection, I was never such a soft person) and then doc said all looks well but I have not yer got reports for THAT blood test

I had heard it a couple of times by then, he kept mentioning in our earlier visits but I never paidn attention as husband never paid.
But this time I asked "But what is THAT report?"
He said "For down syndrome"

I froze

And my gut knew its true. I have no idea but the moment he said it, I knew..till then I had not double guessed anything could be wrong..but that minute I knew

Yet I started cross questioning him, as if my cross questioning would make it go away.."why would you think so"
He says " Siemen line on his palm, sandle gap in his toes, slanting eyes"
I kept staring at Aaru, but I could hear pieces of me falling around

Yet no tears, nothing outrageous
I asked where I could get the reports, he said downstairs

Husband has been avoiding it all the time. Each time the doc raised question about the report I would ask him later what that report was and he would say must be ECHO etc etc, but all those were clear long back so I have no idea why he dint even want to check the report?He could have not told me yet got to know the report.

Maybe he wanted to get out of India before the catastrophe fell and dint have to deal with a mad and sorrowful woman and list of activities which ensued once we knew the diagnosis

We went down to get the report, my heart in pieces while husband was being comical, not appreciated in anyway by me

I grabbed and opened and read "Positive", it was the fish report
No tears, nothing.

We came up and the doc very stoically said "So its positive, but the report which would make it 100% would come through karyotyping which was supposed to take another week".
I had no doubt that my baby had down syndrome, yet the husband kept asking some inane questions and I could not meet the eyes of my 18 days old son. I could not gather the courage to look at him. I dont know why I felt I had wronged him.

Husband got engaged in some birth certificate etc while I sat there, my baby wrapped in a yellow wrap sleeping beautifully. I looked at all the babies around and felt strange tinge of pain, lonelieness, envy...yet my love for this boy was not in question.

I asked husband to stop all the talking and rush home, I could not bear to be in that hospital another moment...I needed my mom, my home, my comfort.
While in car, I held Aaaru and silently cried looking out of the window. No way could I show my tears to anyone, not even husband, Cos he really seemed very detached and being with him made me feel lonelier. He sensed I was crying and all he did was patted my arms twice.

In all these years of my existence that was the first time I recall I wanted to break, just let go. And I wanted him to understand that and hold me and be broken himself. I dint want his strength , I wanted someone to feel the pain in exact measures as I felt, a party to my shattering soul, a companion in my misery. And I wanted that person to be just him, noone else. Cos he was the father , an equal in our love for Aaru
But not a squeak from him!

We reached home, the message had been sent to my sis and she was coming over. Mom dint know but she saw my face and guessed and I told her in plain words.

Husband went into the other room and I left Aaru with ma, I really wanted to know what he felt, what was our plan, wanted him to tell me it will be alright that our son will still be the best thing to have happened to us.
I went to the other room to check whats keeping him busy, he was on his laptop, I eagerly asked him what was he up-to hoping he would tell me he is gathering some information on how to deal with this all. But he said I have to submit this timesheet as its Friday!
And that moment I knew, this will be my fight..all alone..and without a word I came back to my room

The days and months after that were a haze of research, night outs, buying toys to stimulate his brain, finding which therapies he can go to, what tests to be done, all this with no help from doctors or anyone else

It hasnt been easy to say the least but I have loved every moment of it, of finding  my way through the mess.

Every single thing I learn I try it on him, new supplement, new therapy and see him change and evolve with it

We are growing each day, each minute..Aaru and I..Aaru in all his loveliness and I basking in his glory!

But some days, the memory of pain hovers over me, wringing everything inside out

Fighter

There is this serial I used to watch "Revenge" on star plus
Its the story of a woman whose father was falsely executed and died, when she was very small and she grows up to fight with the very powerful people who were responsible for that.

Though a far fetched story yet riveting and there were few scenes and dialogues which made it worth a watch. I specially liked the  protagonist , she carried the role to perfection

In that the father later comes back, he was not dead but for 18 years he faked his death and was in the hiding.

Towards the end there is a scene where father finds out he has terminal cancer and tells the daughter.

She is heart broken but keeps giving solutions or ways to fight it, she says we can do dialysis, chemo, hormone therapy, we can go to the best of the best..this will not last..you will survive

While the father knows its the end

But he just looks at her, she has tears flowing yet acting strong and suggesting remedies, and he says "Where did you learn to fight so much?"

On that dialogue somewhere something stung in me, it was as if he was talking to me, it was as if all these months of my struggle I wanted someone to say that to me...
All those months post diagnosis of my son's down syndrome, I hardly cried in front of anyone

I used that energy to read, read, read..search ..google..there has to be a way
There has to be a way to get my son out of this...to give him what he needs..to make him functional

I had so many fears..which Aaru is proving wrong one by one..and I am so so glad

But those nights till 1 Am, I spent checking on the net, and I still do...that has become the center of my life

And in all this I was very alone, not alone in terms of people around me, but absolutely no idea or help..I have always been the kind who hardly shared the worst of worst in her life with anyone..till things got really really ugly..I always felt I could fight it on my own

And amidst all this, I never knew I wanted a single soul to tell me..where did you learn to fight so much!

The best of me

With you...
I feel like a I am part of something bigger than myself

As if I am part of something so divine, so pristine, so glamorous..
More glamorous than any song anyone has sung for a beloved

You.
Are more than life could have offered to me

Aaru..My Aarya...My Sirjan..Araadhya
You are my celebrity, my cocaine, my intoxication

You smell of my dreams..and me
You are......the best of me

Najar nahin lagegi tumhen, I am watching over baby!

Piece of perfection

I sometimes look at him and wonder from where he learnt to make these faces.
Where he got this attitude from?

Sometimes he would grimace at me and try to win my love, if someone else is doing something he does not like (mainly changing his clothes which is not a great affair for him, when his hands and feet get pulled).
Sometimes he would look through me if he does not really need me, is happy in his zone, or if I fawn too much and he is not in a mood to be fawned at.
Sometimes he would go on incessant babbling session, and make faces like grown ups would talk, with variation in tones.

And yet other times he would smile in glee, like the most beautiful rainbow the sky has ever seen, shining through my days and nights, cutting across everything sweet in me, that my heart can not take so much of love.

And for a moment I drop dead in my tracks and think HOLY SHIT! This is my doing. This ticked inside me for 9 months.
This adorable adorable piece of perfection.... is my son!

My boom shaka laka..being your mother is my greatest gift in life!

Blues

He loves the blue, he never told me but I figured out.
By listening to his heart, and tuning into his thoughts

Its a specific shade of blue, deeper than the sea!

So I have decide to make my wardrobe a little more blue, never a favorite color with me, but for him..anything!

Well, its not a lover, its my baby boy for whom I want to wear blue from now on.

Things I never did for love of a man, I am ready to do for the love of my son

Oops! I again wrote about my baby, and I thought I was writing about love :)

Where do I begin

I know I write a lot about my baby (still I feel its less), but if you have one and you are a woman, you would know (and only you) what it is all about.
This mind boggling love and attachment you grow for someone who has not yet made any memories with you.
Maybe cos your baby was always a part of everything beautiful in you, everything beautiful meant for you!

My heat always swells with inexplicable feelings...cos of the way he comes to me with puppy eyes,cos of his smell and his complete submission to me. cos of his frail body, his wobbly head, his gaze at me for long time and occasionally following me with his eyes as I move around..
It's frightening to feel so vulnerable and strong at the same time!

I keep trying to detach myself from him, giving myself weird reasons like - he is just a speck of life, which happened to be inside me..why should it gnaw at my heart to hear him cry? And for a while I feel I have done it, in bits. When he is sleeping in his crib and I am not around, I feel this time when I see him next I wont get that tug in my heart. But the moment his mere face comes in my mind, my heart constricts, with some mix of pain, love, fear..

It is as if with him all possible emotions are at their pinnacle..

OK!
I promise to write about something else next(though my son is the most happening thing in my life right now and for years to come), something which has been in my mind for as long as I remember, in big and small measures. Something I feel deeply about, which agitates me and I believe is the source of many evils in society. Something I felt was trivial when I was a young girl with naive thoughts of always following my heart and what I felt was right, but now all that seems like a struggle, an ugly battle, a nasoor(wound) which would never be healed.

The decision to have a child

I love kids, its no secret. Its a fact well acknowledged in my family, one of the things that defines me.

Love makes you a different and a better person, as they say.

It could be any kind of love, the key is, it is unadulterated.
Even love for a kid. You learn how to give and not expect, you love to pamper and even if they ill treat you at times, you can not give it back and keep loving. You become a slave to their effervescent blabbering, incessant questioning and baby smell.

I have felt all this with my sister's kids. I have been their favorite mausi (aunt) as I spent maximum time with 2 of them owing to the fact that I was single back then and stayed with my sisters when they had their kid.

But after marriage when I started thinking of having my own, I have no idea from where some creepy thoughts made their way in. I recall, I was a few months away from getting married, was waiting for my bus at the stop and I had the wildest thought at that moment.

"What if I hate my own child?"
In-spite of being a lover of kids, I had this disturbing thought. And I tried analysing it, right there at the bus stop.
I felt it stems from this apprehension as to what if you child is a replica of all that you hate in yourself?
Your insecurities, your weaknesses, your lack of judgment and clarity at times, your inability to take risks, your folly of trying to fall into the line with what society wants you to be.
To top it, what if this baby is also made of the things that you abhor in your spouse as well.

A worst possible concoction of a human, I must say.

Yes, I would want my child to have none of that, to be free from the ordinariness that defines most of us. To be a soul whom I can admire and probably rediscover and unlearn the ugliness that we all learn in our lives.

But what if s/he only reminds me of all that more and more, like no one else could have done otherwise?

I would be scared for her/him, love and at the same time loathe all of it, all at the same time!

It will be like reliving and dealing with all your own childhood issue/teenage tantrums..once again.
And it occurred to me that I would not want to love my own replica.

Something I dont like in myself, I can not bear someone else bearing the cross. And that someone else is someone whose whole persona I would be responsible for, while I would not even know from where all anomalies would seep inside that child. Genes and all.

I was contemplating if this is how I felt with surety about having a child or not..

But the very next moment the thought of something born out of your own flesh and blood seemed captivating to me. It must be overwhelmingly joyful to look at a small creature and find a hint of you in it.
Maybe the same eyes, or the smile, or hair..or mannerisms.

The toothless endearing smile, and the way s/he would find solace in me and only me. I would be his/her whole world..at least for a while.

I guess one can forego all the complexities of rearing a child for such irreplaceable joys, a zillion times.

Your child is probably a way of reliving the good, the bad and the ugly, once again.

His antics and my heart

 He comes near me and sits quietly, tired from playing in the playgroud
Very unlikely for him to be so low, given his high energy levels, at all times

I tell him I need to go, for some work
And he, inspite of his low energy, squeaks "नहीं, तुम मत जाओ " (No, you don't go)

My love for him finds its roots, and I stay back for a few minutes, all the while trying to distract him with something
"I will get you more mentos (his favorite toffee)"
And for once he is not excited, his face shows his disinterest and he does not smile

"Show me your drawings, what did you draw today"
His governess shows me, while he unwillingly and half heartedly participates
And the very next moment he is back to "Don't go please"

Sometimes your heart just fills with love, and saddens at the same time.
With all the premonitions...
The future of him growing up and growing apart,
Me going out of his life..
All that in just that moment of sweetness, when he so wants me around him

I try again to take his mind off my going away, while I attempt tp quietly slip out

"Look at this song on TV, its so nice..your favorite"
 "When this song finishes, then you can go"..he tries to bargain, and looks up at me..to delay my going

And I love him a little more..if thats possible!

I tell him "I am just going to Sony world(a place near his house) and come back soon"
And his face lightens up

He goes to the couch and lies down face flat
I ask him "whats wrong?"
He says "निन्नी आ रही है "(I am sleepy)..and he really looks so tired and sleepy

I ask him to give me a hug,he opens his arms and as I hug him he says softly
"You are goign to Sony world na? Go to and come back soon!"

I just wish he forgets that I promised to come back, and is cheerful once he wakes up..which am sure he would be

My guilt of lying to him, weighs me down...

Oh the million ways this heart can break!

We will always be kids

We are all fools...always a kid..however grown ups we might want us to be

We all want things for ourseleves, we all have our insecuritirs to feed, our desires to furnish
Nothing matured about it

I am saying this, cos if this recent incident which happened with me
It involves me and my 3 year old nephew Shrehaan, about whom I write all the time here , here and here
and lastly here

Just the other day he was here with his mother(my younger sister) and as ususal my sister wanted some of my things(yeah she is always asking for my dress, saree, jewllery..its her childhood issue and fascination for  my elder sister's and my things)

And I was being a little childish about it this time and said I dint want her to take anything from my stuff..yet I knew I will be giving it off

She finally chose  a neck piece & an earring
Just to play along with and see whose side my nephew was..I acted up and cried "No. no you can not take it"
She snatched it from me, and I tried taking it back and cried out and seeked my nephew's support and looked at him
He looked at both of us and said "मम्मा  को दे दो !"(Give it to my mom)

And for that brief moment, I felt deeply betrayed. I felt the like an outsider and inspite of knowing that he is just a 3 year old kid and that he lives with his mother and meets me only once in a week, where his loyalities would lie, I still felt a little jealous and betrayed

As much as I wanted to kiss his bird-like  mouth, I wanted to thrash the daylight out of him too


But when he is about to go and looks at me with his soulful forlorn eyes and holds my hand "तुम भी चलो" (You also come along), everything melts and go down holding his hand..but that small amount of feeling of betrayal never goes

It never will

Some of them have it easy, they can treat you any which way, still you would eat out of their hands when they want you too...

There are some people who can be the worst & the best with you...Yet you take in the worst, cos their best is so beautiful, innocent and honest

Maashi....Chocate

You omit the L's and R's
Chocolate is "chocate" and rain is "ane"
And I love saying it the way you do

"Broom" is for some reason "baate" for you
And we sisters also sometimes refer to it as "baate", in our conversations :)
You kids have a strange way of getting into elders brain

But gradually I see you correcting your words now..
I feel the pride, but at the same time some god-forsaken sorrow creeps in
"Cream" is still "Cheem" for you...as yet...hope you never get it right

My sweet valentine this year
तू जिगर दा टुकड़ा ,you are my शोना शोना मुखड़ा

You make my days so sweet

When we clap at anything you do, your eyes light up with pride
And every time that happens, I make a tiny wish in my fervent heart that this light never dies..

You are the weekend fun for we 3 women(2 maa-si and one ma), when you are there you occupy us completely

I dont know what the future holds for me or for you
But right now my life is livable cos of you

My doe-eyed Shrehanu..happy happy 2nd birhtday(23rd Dec)

If I love you...

A sudden thought struck me and I had to put it down right away, lest I forget my "Eureka" moment.

It has to do with me and the way I love. Not just a lover but anyone close to me, very few such people though

And I have come to realise this...

The kind of love I have in my heart, is suitable only for kids.
Better put, I am more comfortable showing my love only to kids.

Its Shameless in its abundance

But in the world of grown ups my love feels like a misfit. I have not known to curb my emotions within decency of the world of elders. Where too much is looked down upon and moderation and balance is the rule

In my world of love, its supposed to have no bars..

If in the middle of the road you say something adorable, I might pull you to me and give you a peck on your cheeks. But if this embarrasses you, I will be hurt and will check myself next time when I have this urge

If someone hurts you, I will be the one who will shout at the person even more than you, not bothering of my own equation with that other person, cos you are the one more important to me
My love does not know right & wrong, it will never try to pit you against anyone else less important to me..I will not try to judge if you are in any way wrong..I will just take your side, not cos my love demands it..but cos thats the way I feel about you
But if you bother more about the world and are hesitant in speaking for me, when the time requires it, I will be disillusioned..yet I wont stop from siding up with you, I have not learnt how to balance love with worldliness

If on a breezy rainy day, I feel like having a hot cup of adrak chai with you, You will find me at your door, all drenched cos of walking, as I dint get an auto
Cos I know, the warmth between us will compensate for all the coldness outside
But if you have 100 of other important things to attend to , and you always need to plan your meeting with me, then I will stop myself next time too

Cos no-one comes by my door, un-called and un-invited
na datsak jaroori na aawaj dena,main saanosn ki raftaar se jaan loongi, hawaaon ki khushboo se pehchaan loongi
(You dont need to knock, nor call out my name
I will know by the way you breathe and by the fragrance in the air)

There is a lot of cuddling, pecking and pampering involved in my love-world. Cos how can I not pull your cheeks when you make the sweetest face, how can I not ruffle your hair when you look sad?
My heart is on my sleeve, when I love you, ready to flow into you, ready to burst into stars

My love does not know a thing about anything
Its always drunk on its capacity

And the kids reciprocate it the way it needs to be

Unabashed in its acceptance
The glee, the camaraderie, the smiles, the infectious pecks and hugs..all mine to claim

In the world of elders, the novelty of a relationship gets on to one and all..a new friend, a new man/woman, a new distraction and a new attraction
But for me its the comfort of knowing one another which drives me to the other person, secrets shared and laughter understood
A new friend, a new guy will never bind me the way you can

And its the same with kids..they seek me out in a crowd and our reunion is always the same..and gets better each day..

I will run to them and fight with them as to why they dint call me and tell them "I missed you so much", but I can never say that to a grown up anymore
By this constant need to suppress that, maybe I stop missing, I forget to miss

My heart needs outlets, to whoosh out this tremendous love inside me
In you , you and all of you closest to me, I had found my outlet

But now the doors are closed, and the love streamlined
Not going haywire, abound..but channelized
With properness and margins and rules
Smiles cultivated, words chosen and actions well practiced

No more drunk on itself, but sobered up

Cos my kind of love can only cause catastrophies

So I have my glamorous world with me and kids in it, of love, adulation, dance and fun. And I remain in this world, even when one kid outgrows it and another enters

दिल से तुझको बेदिली है, मुझको है दिल का गुरूर
तू ये माने या न माने, लोग मानेंगें जरूर
ये मेरा दीवानापन है, या मोहब्बत का सुरूर
तू न पहचाने तो है ये, तेरी नजरों का कुसूर

(You are blase towards matters of heart, I take pride in my heart
Whether you accept it or not, people definitely will
Either it is my obsession, or its intoxication of love
If you dont recognize it, its your mistake)

Here is a great rendition by Susheela Raman, of an old favorite song

The attention seekers

Are we all not, but just a bunch of attention seekers?
Isn't that the overpowering feeling amongst all of us, all through life?

To be the most important person to someone, to be admired for any and everything we do, to be the go-to person for someone when s/he seeks advice..and so on?

We ignore people who give us attention, cos that's a feat already accomplished and does not hold much thrill
And we run after someone, the moment s/he stops giving us that importance, which they used to earlier

Well, my 1.5 year old nephew is someone who affirms my belief that this is the nature we are born with.
Its something in-built in us, and till our last breath, we will always be that. Some in very big measures and some in small. Some learn with time, and get indifferent..and some never learn


If you see this kid and try to get his attention, he will not even look at you. His attention is constantly on laptop, TV remote, phone, books...there is no way will he sit near you and listen to you. He has to be constantly entertained by something or the other.

There is not a dull moment in a kid's life.

But the moment I start speaking to my sister, or on phone..basically don't try and run behind him, THEN you should watch his reaction.

He would bring his face so close to me that I cant see anything else, or start laughing and hitting me so that I can't talk to anyone.
He would make those most endearing faces and acts so that I have no other go but to look at him

Yes, that's what we all are, attention seekers!

Then sometimes words fail...

..And beauty takes over!




When beauty gets unbearable, and I cant contain it within me..the enormisity of it which sometimes wants to burst my heart..I tend to share it with the world..to let it out

All my babies fill me with that overwhelming feeling..

Just look at him in this pic, eyes full of stories, lips like a bird, cheeks pink and rosy, and a face worth million dollars..

My splendid, breath-taking Shretzi baby..Shrehanu!

Sweetest thing

He is wrapped in his own innocence..
every pore smells of sweetness
And when he flails his hands to come to me, I wonder what he wants from me

Those doe's eyes( which some people say are somewhat like mine) , those lips like a bird...which I never tire of kissing..

Do you know how much of love you elicit from me?

I become something so animated and silly in your presence. Every time I think I will hold myself back a little, wont get so engrossed in you..but I see you and the trigger is on..I go all brainless again :)

When my sis gets you to my place, the moment you see me, you give that 2-tooth smile of yours..a smile which can re-define beauty And I guess the word "Adorable" was made just for you!!


Sometimes I want to scold you in jest, just to see that small frown on your face.
But when your smile gets hesitant with my scolding, and when it disappears..my heart breaks for a moment.
I dont like that momentary un-surity in you, when you dont know whether to smile at me or not... Cos I want you never to feel this way in life, when you ever have to curb your smile
Now-a-days you have learnt to scold back, specially your mother, when she shouts at you..and this is how you do it..

making us want to do it again and again..just to make you scold us back

You laughter at my playful antics are so infectious, gurgling out of you..


And baby when you look like this, who can keep their hands off you?














When I see you, my mind cant help but think that men like Hitlers and Saddams of the world must have been so endearing as a kid, what happens to all that innocence when they grow up??

And I just hope that you grow up to be a good man, the sweetest and the best!

Do you remember when we went to Delhi and met your cousin sister? You were a little intimidated by her and whenever I played with her, you would crawl up to me and gaze in my eyes without a word..as to silently tell me that you are a little possessive.. You would not cry, you wouldn't throw a tantrum..but just win me with your disarming smile..and I just had to leave everything and hug you

I hope you grow up and read this post someday, and always know that you were so loved and so sweet..it will remind you of all good things in life and you would always remember all of us, who were part of your growing up

And as you turn 1 today (which is 23rd Dec, sorry that I could not make this post that day as I was waiting to collect best pics from various sources), I clutch you to my heart to ward off the coldness settling there..
And a tiny part of me feels a tinge of envy and wishes that you were completely mine...

Shrehaan..Shreyu..Shrehaanu !

Sweetheart!

I love you two
Sweetest babies of mine
Hope you two bond
More than we sisters did

Whats with infants

I don't know what is it about me and infants..
I just cant get away from them..specially if they are from my family

Right now I am with my sis and her son..and all the time I feel like holding him
His smell is something I cant explain..
Its like a magnet..and I kiss him so many times!





The way he looks around in amazement.the way he twitches his eyebrows or moves his mouth
All that he does..is so engrossing for me!

I wish he understood how much I adore him..but I don't think he has any such notion

when I hold him..I want him to know he is so very dear to me..but I don't think the message gets across
And it exasperates me!

I try to reason it in my mind..my fascination for a new-born
Is it the innocence..or the fresh smell of milk around their mouth..or just the blood relation?

But there are some unanswered questions in my mind about them;
1. They kick their legs and hands all through the day, still dont develop any biceps?
2. They suddenly cry in their sleep, what exactly are they dreaming of?Past life?
3. They laugh at times when you speak to them..whats going on in their mind

I don't think even doctors have an answer to all this..
We can just guess and make a theory around it..but truth lies with these tiny ones..its their beautiful secret world where we elders have no entry into :)