Nothing but the truth

"I shall speak the truth, and nothing but the truth"
- "But that shall be just your truth"
- "And thats the only truth I know"

These lines from a french movie (A girl cut in two) made me think how each of us perceive truth.

Have you ever told a lie?
Am sure answer to this question will be a "yes" by 100% of us (except for people who cant speak or who have no-one to talk to).

Then what makes one better than the other? What gives someone, who lies for any and everything an edge over someone who lies occasionally to protect herself/himself?

If I put myself up there for judgment, I am not sure how fairly I would do.

But I can say that I try my utmost to stick to the truth, as I know.
And that I have never lied to hurt anyone. I have said small lies, sometimes when I felt that its not important for the other person to know the real truth about me. Something which is inconsequential to the other person(maybe not to me)

If I look back, there is no lie in my life which stands strong, and makes me weak.

Some people I know belong to the school of thought that every lie is a truth and every truth is a lie and that, there is no truth and no lie.

But for me truth has always been an Absolute

A truth can never be a lie.

I can't give justifications to myself or to anyone for any lie spoken.
I heard somewhere that every lie is an injustice, cos you are denying the right to truth to the person you lie to.

If truth is not an absolute , then maybe I too dont exist..then maybe Sidhdharth was a fool

I believe in sanctity of truth and to me its is my only anchor, my lifeline.
I believe in truth cos thats what makes me feel good about myself and takes out the best in me.

As a kid, my siblings and I would sometimes plan to cook up a lie to fool my mom, but I would always turn out to be a spoil sport, cos I could never keep up the act. And I used to feel like such a let down.

Maybe cos truth is what comes naturally to me, and makes lying difficult for me. Even though my mind is complicated, truth simplifies it all. Maybe I lack the art of lying and getting away with it.


There might be days when everything around me is in mayhem, I cant differentiate truth from lie, days when I might be tempted to lie..but in the end its the truth (good or bad) which puts my heart to rest.

Mar jawaan

I am a part of you
I was borne out of you

I existed where you thoughts lingered around me
I breathed with every breath you breathed my name

Cos for you it never began
Cos you never reached where I reached
Cos you were never treading on the path that I was on

So it can never end for you
So you ask me "Why do you want to end it"

Cos for me..this was it
And for you it was one of them
And for me, it will begin each time in my heart
And end there

If you look at someone the way you looked at me
if even for a moment someone occupies the tiniest part of your brain
if even once you talk and laugh with someone the way we did

I will not exists for those moments
For those moments, I would have never crossed your mind

For those moments, I must have been dead

There is no other woman, they are all just women
I could be the other woman, or THE woman
Its a choice I make, not you!

I was borne in you
And in you I will die

Where did I lose my self?

I was reminiscing about how I used to be..this person who was unabashed in following what she felt liked

Dance has been in my veins and that's what makes me feel alive..when everything else is dead around me
I move my hands and feet..and I have this tremendous sense of creating beauty in the world..which invigorates me

But it has been ages since I saw myself on the stage..as I used to, so often, earlier

I have been dancing since I was 7. I was this girl who would align herself last in the line but always brought in the front cos my teachers saw that I was better than others

I recall that when I was some 10-11 years old, we had this annual function in my school and there was supposed to be a dance drama..in English and in Hindi

I, who was otherwise a little shy, reserved person, had gone to any lengths to take part in that

There were some 4 auditions held for that dance drama and I went to all of them, but was a little late for each of them and could not audition. So later I went to the teachers to give me a chance, but each time was turned down cos I had not reached the audition on time..due to some classes or tests

I was not part of the drama in the finals but I remember that I tried my best.

And all this was just to explore my talent as a dancer, not to prove anything to anyone..but just cos I loved being on stage, dancing and wooing the world...I just wanted to be up there..

Where did I lose that energy..that love for myself..that passion ?

Have matters of heart and world taken my core from me?

Now,why is it so much about swollen eyes, aching heart, aching knee..aching soul

Sometimes I say to myself...

Let them all ruin, and let me come alive!

And it has begun..this madness called cricket

Bangalore is hosting the India-England match which is this Sunday and yesterday I saw people thronging the Chinnaswamy stadium for tickets.

It was a mad rush around that area(and I cross it daily) with people falling on each other outside the stadium. There were some on the other side of road too, sitting on the wall and just staring at the ticket line.

Thankfully the traffic was not disturbed as police kept them in control. I was about to be impressed with improvement of law and order in Bangalore but I saw in paper today that there was mayhem on Wednesday night and whole of Thursday.

There was some blood shed due to laathi charge by police to keep the crowd in control. And this was just to get cricket tickets?

People spent their Wednesday nights in cubbon park, which is opposite to the stadium, so that they can be the first in line for the tickets, when it opened on Thursday.

I am amazed at such passion in people to watch a game and I wonder who these people are?

Students? Professionals(I doubt!)? Or just people who have nothing better to do in life?

Now I am scared what Sunday's plight would be, for common people like us!

It will either be that the whole city is clean and clear of any traffic cos everyone will be inside the stadium (which would be a relief) OR a madness on the road!

A song, me and you

My heart feeds on memories..never forgets..never forgives

कैसे कहें अलविदा मेहरम
कैसे बनें अजनबी हमदम

Nights unleash the unknown
I have been a hoarder, I hoard smiles, touch, smell, conversations
But I dont know which part of my brain hoards things which my mind forgets in broad daylight

भूल जाओ जो तुम, भूल जायेंगें हम
वो जुनूँ वो प्यार के लम्हे ... नम

My heart is a simphon..it sucks in people
Like a black hole..it retains them
They can fight me..they can abhor me
But they have no other go, but to remain in the black hole of my heart

गेसू रेशम लब पे शबनम
जी जाओ जो तुम, जी जायेंगे हम
यादों के ज़ख्म पे, ज़िन्दगी मरहम

Tonight is the night which will be etched in my memory
Of the horizons touching and parallels meeting each other
Of phantasmagoria
And I watch, as my body betrays me

वो बहकता सा दिल, वो दहकता सा तन
भूल जाओ जो तुम, भूल जायेंगें हम

All pieces of my heart fell into place, in the contours of your face

वो रातें वो सहर,वो सुकूं के पहर
भूल जायेंगें हम, भूले क्यों हम मगर?

I dont get her!

She has eradicated all human emotions, picked them one by one and cut them off..washed them down the drains
But this anger, this raging anger..never seems to die

Its as if all that was in her, all her beauty and her mystery..found roots in anger

She sometimes wonders if its posisble that when her concept came to Bramha, Shiva was doing tandav? And thats how all the anger in the world conglomerated in her!

She sometimes tries to think of people and reasons of this anger and everything points to her.

She has realised that there is no anger on anyone, no blame games..its her own self which fills her with anger
Everything that went wrong, everyone who did wrong was cos she permitted it..

At times this thought is like a balmy breeze, cos its fun to find yourself in command, the center of all the reasons

And other days she does not know what to feel..cos she cant possibly hate herself..she is too much in love with herself!

Sound and music

The fact of the matter is..everyone gets back home..their home.

We have these mini-worlds inside this world. Our place.

However much they love you, however much you want them to stay..they will eventually go back to "their home"..as they define it.

A few days back, my sister left my 1 year nephew to stay with me for 3-4 hours while she had a party to attend. And after she took him home, I dint feel much about his absence till I entered my room.

The cream bottle he was playing with was lying on the bed, that plug of my night-lamp he was fiddling with and trying to put in the socket, was thrown exactly the same way as he had left it

And I felt a strange pang in the heart..of missing something, of missing someone..which I never felt in a long time. It was just for a few moments before sleep devoured me...
But it felt strange..cos I believe I have stopped feeling anything close to it in ages.

As you embrace loneliness, your own company..bit by bit people seem to abandon you..they do care for you, they do bother about you but they are not interested in your life...cos you have not adorned it with enough people, with spices of life, with things which others call "life"
And one day you realise that the only person interested in your own life is just you.

People have no time to hear..forget listening!
They just talk..talk talk talk..about their lives, their friends..the bitchy sis in law..the tiring mother in law...their office..their bosses..their work..their..their their..

What is it that makes people talk so much, sometimes obsessively? Do they like the ring of their own sound filling the world? Does it make them feel important?
They ask you questions and then give the answers themselves,as if they want to minimise hearing another's voice

There is this girl in office who keeps blabbering insane stuff to everyone around. She is in HR so daily she is near our bay, talking crap..displaying silly humour and just speaking..for the sake of speaking.
I wonder if she ever realises she is making a fool of herself, cos I know people sneer behind her

Why cant people just be silent at times, listen to other sounds in the world..cant they wait for the other to finish the sentence before they barge in..cant they understand that all want to be heard?

If you have stories in your life..others have too..and its listening which makes things more interesting..not all the talking

These unnecessary sounds around me sometimes unnerve
So much so that some days I decide to be silent, not a word..as if to punish the world for not being the way I would have liked it to be.

Makes me wonder what happens to all those moments of my life which is going unnoticed..unappreciated..unloved

And other times I move around with a smug feeling..of having this secret world inside me..that world which noone can touch..that world noone has any clue about..I move around protecting my sacred secret...the colours of me!

Am I glad this day is over!
I messaged someone that I want to be out tonight..dint want to stay home
To spend a day a little better than the rest

And we did go out..had some wine..talked a little..got angry at the restaurant staff

And by the end of the day...I drew closer to a realisation..its all so futile!!

This clamouring to buy happiness..this urgency to be somewhere else

But then, if anything, for a few moments, did make me smile..its worth all its while!

If I were to tell you

Some of the scenes from some of the movies which made me want a little, cry a little, and hope a little

28 Days
          "You have this way..this amazing gravitational force..this mom thing..even when she was a mess the world noticed her..you have that"           "Even a pain in the ass needs someone to take care of them..I dint do that..I should have walked you home"
          "Sometimes I would be with my friends and then see you walking a few blocks ahead..all alone..you were so lilttle"
          "I am sorry I make it impossible for you to love me!"
                    "No..You make it impossible for me not to love you!"

-Somewhere these lines between 2 sisters struck close to heart.I could relate myself with this wayward girl(not the drug addict and rehab part though)



Dil to paagal hai
        For a long time I sported this silver bangle with small ghungoorus around it, in the hope that someone makes it his favorite.
And then the "aur paas" part is so sensuous.
But more than that I found this conversation more romantic than any romantic dialogue I have heard.
        Arey woh meri favourite thi
                Meri bhi



Band baaja baraat
This scene is a favorite, but not for the obvious reasons one might think. Some scenes just touch your sensibilites.


There are so many more scenes I would have liked to put up here, but could get my hands on only these..maybe later.

I will not lose myself..
       ...in the process of gaining you

So I remain me, and you take your you-ness with you
       ...Empty-hearted I can be, but not empty-minded