मैं सारी रात कतिया कतिया करूँ

मुझे मत उटकेरो
बहुत जतन से बुना है मैंने खुदको
एक नहीं, कई बार..

मत उधेड़ो मुझे,
 सिर्फ  अपनी तन्हाइयों को मेरे  रेशों  से भरने के लिए
 बड़ी मुश्किल से दिल  और दिमाग के तारों को सुलझती हूँ मैं ,
 एक दिन नहीं , रोज़.…

रात चिंताओं को बुनती हूँ
सुबह अधूरे ख्वाब
ख्वाब से ख्वाब का सफर
तय करती हूँ रोज

ख़ुशी निचोड़ना चाहती हूँ
अपने हर पल से
बेधड़क हँस के , बेमानी लतीफों पे

बहुत ज़्यादा मांगा था कभी ज़िन्दगी से
अभी सिर्फ इतना ही मांगती हूँ

Epiphany

There are bits and pieces of us, scattered around in those places and people where our are hearts have found something new, exciting, enriching

when we revisit those places, we revisit ourselves, , we revert a little to the old, feel a little more than usual that we felt off-late

As we try assimilating all that we were..that assimilation gives a little high..to know ourselves as we used to be..to realize there is a faint chance of us getting back to that

But all we do is go in circles around a mass of colossal sadness, making every memory of ourselves ..solidifying that what has been will never again will be

Yet, I hear an old song..and sometimes in midst of all the chaos..I find myself anewed

With some people even the best resort in the heart of Paris does not seem to mean a thing. The beauty of outside seems to taunt and torment the dullness inside. Your heart just does not get engrossed in anything.

And with some the dingiest bar is a place to glorify..the stupidiest joke is worth laughing a 1000 times, everything around that person makes a hell of a memory to go back and play it again and again...for making your life worth something

Unsung deires

There are desires meshed in the pores of her being
And sometimes they come on the surface
Making her glow, they perspire out of her

It's fragrance reaches the one it's meant to

The beauty of her desire was..
that it was flimsy
Like giggles of teenaged girls
Hidden and muffled

She waits, for something within her to be negated
She waits for something to be asserted

There are parts of her
Unknown and unheard

She wanted to explore something
Doesn't remember what
Something of the outside or within..?
Those memories come back when she sees
A stony

She wants to know what else can she be
Away and apart from what she has become

she waits the fire in her to blow out, or to burn her
she is forever waiting, for her calling

she wants to drown all of it, or be drowned in it
there is no midway, it cant be that for her
not her...

The intoxicating loneliess beckons

Everybody wants their share from the world.

Of stolen kisses, clandestine meetings, outrageous fights

Drama satisfies us in some soul gratifying way

Obsessions are what we need
Obsessions to get through the drill..to get past the ordinariness
But pity.. obsessions don't last a lifetime!!

Then as the drama and the passion for it subsides,finality of things dawns on us

You are avenged.,Of being born

Then the  intoxicating loneliess beckons
Lets leave love alone..to perish or to fend for itself

I want to lose it

Sometimes I just want to get lost, as in lose myself
Just be noone, have nothing to think of
Roam around, get in and out of shops and bars at whim

But I never seem to lose myself
even after 3 drinks, that acute awareness of my being and my situation does not leave me
It does not absolve me of myself

Oh how I hate that sense of being in control, that damned acute sense of being ME all the time!

Mayya and the insignificant

The best way to live is to create a world of your own in your mind.
The maaya

Listen to a song, read a book, watch a movie scene..
Embed in your world what stirs you out of any of these..and live it.vicariously, or think of it as your reality..

Whats the bloody big deal if reality sucks?

Dont let the other world(so called real) affect you. Always always disappear in that world, the world you heart.

They say that trivialities of life is not what you would remember on your deathbed. The agony over a small lie, the disillusionment over a frivolous revelation, the maddening rage over a small injustice. And all of those things which appeared big but supposedly does not inflict you in the long run.

Agreed.

But does that mean I am waiting for my death bed to happen to me, at every moment of my life? Does that mean I can brush off every piece of shit that I go thru, with nonchalance, just cos at my deathbed only the most significant and beautiful moment of my life would be of any consequence.

(I loved that last scene in American Beauty when Kevin Spacey gets shot by his wife, and he remembers all his moments right from childhood)

I dont know, maybe its true for some. But for me its just those moments.
I fight a lot to get a perfection in my life.
Of emotions, of order in life, of the principles that make me or define me.

My life goes for a standstill whenever any of that breaks..not shatters, but just breaks in a way that I cant find it in me to get back to the same level of innocence, that existed in me, prior to that small insignificant bit of disillusionment.

So f** the significant, cos life lies in the insignificant..in the mundane.

The shrinking realm of happiness

We are born with our own definitions of happiness. What makes us happy, is an individual thing.
But we all have a sense of something impending in the future, something which will bring us home.

Might be gorgeous places visited,  vague kisses in dingy bars...or just roaming around aimlessly
A beautiful love story of our own we would write,that which gives us a sense of wholesomeness

And those images are always in the periphery of our minds, we see it being enacted in some movie and we bond with that..we see a glimpse of it in a person and we are drawn to him/her
Its those images which keeps us true to a feeling deeper than our subconscious

But gradually the definition of happiness starts eroding, and we start thinking that maybe our definition was wrong to begin with
Walking on the thin line between practicality and dream, we assume being practical means letting go of these images
We think we grow wiser, each time we kill one of our defining happiness parameter

We start shrinking, in our personality, in the way we interact with the world, in the way we love and the way we want to be loved back

Sometimes it has shrunk to such a level that it chokes us, we are unable to find any source of happiness cos we have completely forgotten what made us happy in the first place

We are banging our heads in the dark, trying to find a way which can lead us back to our un-lived moments, moments we were so sure would happen to us, moments which were the driving force behind all that we did, worked for, strived for!

And we dont know what went wrong where, was it our naivete or our inability to stop those things in life which made us forget our happy quotients

We then redefine, smile at our stupid abstract definition and go on with life, living half life, half dreams

But our earlier, pure shining description of happiness stands untouched somewhere
It exists, ready to be unraveled and  owned by you
That definition of happiness is what sometimes you feel in your sensations sometimes, life a melody or like a rush of forgotten song..and somewhere feel..maybe something of the original is still possible!

Orchestrated happiness

Do you recall the last few minutes of you in bed, just before you fall in the arms of sleep, the semi-slumber state?
That unguarded state of you, when there is a slur in your diction and abandon in your words.
You say stuff to someone close to you, things you would not utter otherwise in senses.

You are drifting away, or maybe catching up with yourself
The part of you, you lose in daylight, comes to sense

The smell of the entwined words, of you and the one close to you in the bed, holding both of you in its mysterious embankment

The richness of your being is in it true and full form..in the abyss of the night
Thats what they call bliss

A bliss you never knew existed in such moments
A bliss you remember to miss, when you cant remember when was the last time you felt that

And then you wish to recreate that, you dont even sometimes know you are searching for such trivial moments in your life

A dear friend of mine once told me "R, these moments that are passing us while we laugh, roam around in oblivion to all that has gone and is yet to come..this is true happiness. And once this is gone, for the rest of our lives, we can pretend to be happy."

Some words of wisdom from a guy I thought could not think deeply.

है मेरी  दुआ की जब हम मिले, तो देखे मुझे मेरे दोस्त एक बार यूँ ही
जैसे मिले अजनबी
हम फिर से चले, तो फिर से हँसे, मैं फिर से उड़ूँ ,पाऊ नयी ख़ुशी
जैसे मिले अजनबी

A weird dream

Yesterday I had a dream which left me wondering.
I get into these phases of dreaming a lot, and then blank nights.
So right now, its a lot of dreams every alternate days.

And the craziest part is, I remember its detail long after.

I dreamt that I had gone to some exotic location. It was India, but looked like out of the world.
I dont know who I was with though, it was a male for sure.
A friend, a brother, a lover...identity of that person isnt something I grasped even in my dream

We are near a huge water bed, its a river with strong currents, not sea but river.
And afar I see a beautiful caravan on a boat. Its something I have never seen before. Lights, music, and I hear laughter and gaiety of people on that boat. Mind you, its a boat and not a ship. With an architecture not common for a boat, its a sight to behold.

I see it moving down with the current towards us, its still far.
 Its full of some hidden happiness, a forgotten possibility and I so long to be in it, at that very moment.
But its still very very far and I wait.
Suddenly I see that the boat is right in front of me, in my reach and I just have to take one small step to be inside.
My partner, whoever he is besides me, asks me to take a leap and be a part of the whole charismatic show. I am all set but suddenly I recall that someone had told me long back that this river has mirages. You see something in front of you which is not there. So don't get fooled and indulge in it.

I tell the same to my friend, but he says its all a myth and boat is right there and we should go in. I turn back to jump into it, and the boat which was closer, suddenly loses its color, from dark brown to pink and then to ashes and smoke and its gone as if it was never there.

I stand crestfallen yet thanking God that I waited for that one moment, when the reality dawned. I shudder at the thought of my plight, had I fallen into the traps of the beautiful mirage in front of me and washed away by the torrents. There is a deep sense of loss and disappointment in me, yet a brooding calm that I was saved.

Yet the beautiful real boat afar is still there and coming towards me, so I still have the flickering hope that someday I might get in.

And I wake up with an after-taste of this dream, mind clogged with various interpretations.