Stop..renew..play

Boredom is creeping inside me like a deadly snake..snarling and hissing
Pouring its venom on every organ...on everyone I meet

My mind tethered to the sameness of everyday-ness...pivoting around mindless things, things that dont matter yet make me mad

I think its the time that the snake sheds its exuviae..and adorns itself with new skin

On nights like these

On nights like these
When sleep eludes me

Cos Aaru has woken up..with his breathing issues
And after trying to fight his and my sleep

I give in and try to make use of it
I go to the hall and put on TV

And I hear a small squeak from the bedroom, which I hoped so much not to hear
I can not sit in the bedroom and stare vacantly at walls while he sleeps

So all I can do now is take him in my lap, pour out a glass of wine..and watch TV with him sleeping in my lap..as I cant take chances with him..or with myself

Such an odd pair we are..Aaru and I

All alone, yet strong and bellowing

And at this stage all I wish..I wish earnestly as I got to know God would not listen if you just  make a wish mechanically
You got to really ask for it, and mean it

So with all in me, I try to mean what I want

That I meet someone who loves Aaru (not me or my face)..as much or maybe even half of how much I love him and how much love he deserves

That there is someone who is capable enough to help us(not monetarily but in heart and actions, not in words!!!), who would take up some doc appointments while I lie in bed without a worry as I know there is someone else there who worries for him half of as much as I do (that would be enough I tell  you)

That there is someone who would learn how much of each supplements to give him, while I can spend an extra half an hour in bed, after spending sleepless night

Oh God! What I would do to get a person like that in my life....

To be or not to be

Is it possible not to exist for some days, as in choose a day in the week when you dont want to exist

Non-existence- Don't confuse it with being at home and lying around and not doing anything

Its like being wrapped in a vacuum bubble, where nothing changes, nothing in the world, the world thats mine

Aaru and I both, no therapies, no physical tasks, no supplements to worry about
And that day should not count at all in history, its not a day wasted

When the whole day I tire myself with thoughts of what next to do, what next to accomplish and I hit on a spot where I feel numb by the end of the day and just vaguely wonder..if only tomorrow did not come

But tomorow I want to exist, as tomorrow is the day I began my existence :)

Moments of God

Every morning I like to grab all things auspicious

I sit down with my lemon tea and smell it deep...trying to breathe in bits of pleasure

I savor my son's half baked smile..when he is half awake and smiles like a dream
Sleepy yet trying to return my false exuberance

And I sing for him "Say hello to the Sun..shining down on me"

I pay my attention to Ma's chit chat..Ma who has been with me..my only solace and punching box in the last 2 years..

I try to do my part of the work in the morning, trying to keep my heart light
Pumping in energy by trying to steal it from Aaru..No No..not steal, but multiply

Then we all sit down. Aaru eats, Ma feeds and I sit on the side having tea and whatever is left of the morning's beauty

I call these moments of my life now..moments of God..
When s/he is holding me upright to combat the rest of the day

Who knows what the day would bring in?

We are epics..if we choose to be

I am a scavenger
I like to dig into people, know them like no one else could have ever known them

Fears they lived, stories untold
Laughter brazen...shyness unfold

The magic each of us is, the epic we all are made of

We were born with souls of lost mermaids
And the spirit of sea ghosts, we never ever saw

Though at times...the mermaid and the sea ghost lives in me
And in those moments
I want to hush the sound of every other being

And close my eyes to those sounds..from far away sea..
A sea whose waves splash inside me

My beautiful

Are we meant to feel stupid and frivolous for the smallest bit of euphoric feeling we have had in our lives

Feel silly for those pockets of our moments which felt like dream..or like a feeling we knew we would cherish forever!

Just cos it was not meant to last..or it did not last in-spite of our efforts to make it last?

I love the small in all of it...I yearn for such tiny things in people that I could die to just hear "are you home?" said in a way which makes me feel as if home is all around me..home is in the person who asks me that question in the most delicious tone

I feel we all bask in something special we did in our lives...something which could not be part of us forever..even if the person we experienced it with is part of it all

Its not just a lover

I feel the big in the night I spent with a close cousin getting high on rum and coke till 7 A.M
I find the beautiful in my birthday that my friends in B.I.T spent some 20 years back for me, just me blowing the candles

The beautiful, the grand is just a sparkle..in the canvas of life
You just got to recognize seek and cherish it

Start light..star bright

This feeling to be close to nature is coming so strong these days
Don't know, if it has to do with my Aaru?

Its the fact that I want him to witness all things beautiful and grand in this life and universe
....and nature is the grandest of it all..
..the waterfalls, the butterfly-filled garden and most of it...STAR LIT SKY

I keep downloading nursery rhymes for him(I learnt so many cos of him and he is so addicted to me singing it to him) and there is this one which goes
"Star light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight"

There is this panda opening a window, all big eyed and running out into the field, looking at start, climbing a ladder sky high to touch the stars, meeting birds on the way

I just found it so close to my heart, yet so out of reach..mysterious and shrouded in some memory from another life

I have seen the moon and stars lying on my back on my terrace and sleeping through the night on the terrace
Watching stars, tracing the question mark(constellation) and each time being overwhelmed by a sense of victory on finding it and also marveling at it

I wonder if I could give the same childhood to Aaru..I show him pictures of moon but struggle to show him real moon from the apartment

The nature in its richness and beauty is an answer to so many things, if only I could go close to it and experience the bliss

Rain, stars, sea, the roar..ocean ...beauty beauty beauty in abundance
Every single part of nature, has the capacity to take you away from mundane and the pain

I wish some day..some day soon...I could show the real stars to Aaru..which he so sweetly shows me with his hand movements

Pause, rewind, replay...please

I wont let everything in me go waste, I am just waiting

I feel there is a pause, I am living a pause..life will get on accelerated mode again

Mayya and the insignificant

The best way to live is to create a world of your own in your mind.
The maaya

Listen to a song, read a book, watch a movie scene..
Embed in your world what stirs you out of any of these..and live it.vicariously, or think of it as your reality..

Whats the bloody big deal if reality sucks?

Dont let the other world(so called real) affect you. Always always disappear in that world, the world you heart.

They say that trivialities of life is not what you would remember on your deathbed. The agony over a small lie, the disillusionment over a frivolous revelation, the maddening rage over a small injustice. And all of those things which appeared big but supposedly does not inflict you in the long run.

Agreed.

But does that mean I am waiting for my death bed to happen to me, at every moment of my life? Does that mean I can brush off every piece of shit that I go thru, with nonchalance, just cos at my deathbed only the most significant and beautiful moment of my life would be of any consequence.

(I loved that last scene in American Beauty when Kevin Spacey gets shot by his wife, and he remembers all his moments right from childhood)

I dont know, maybe its true for some. But for me its just those moments.
I fight a lot to get a perfection in my life.
Of emotions, of order in life, of the principles that make me or define me.

My life goes for a standstill whenever any of that breaks..not shatters, but just breaks in a way that I cant find it in me to get back to the same level of innocence, that existed in me, prior to that small insignificant bit of disillusionment.

So f** the significant, cos life lies in the insignificant..in the mundane.

Losing love

Just the other day, I was on my way to work, and from no where a though struck me

This being in love, or someone being in love with you..this is such an extraordinary feeling

Just love, nothing else

No bondage of marriage, no promises of anything stable..but just the fact that someone is wrapped around you, can't think of anything beyond you, his/her days and nights are painted and tainted by you..is so mesmerizing

Its breath-takingly beautiful..exhilirating
Noone has any obligation to be truthful, to be faithful, to be available for another..no bondage of marriage, no bondage of blood, no court order

Its just you and your lover...
Someone just loves the way you are made, your eccentricities, your tantrums and your beauty
That makes you love yourself, all over again...to regale in your quirks to accentuate your "youness"..you see speak and behave the same..yet there is a shine to it all

This feeling is heady, it makes you giddy, you just want to retain it by all means..cos thats all you have by virtue of being you...everything else comes with a price

So when you feel the threat of losing that single soulful thing....you bend, you relent, you cling, you lose yourself, you fail to realize that the very thing which made you loveable and got you here... gets lost in the whole process of trying to retain a love which should have been lost long back

Thats why they say..love and all other disasters!!

The parallel universe

We are here and we are there too, somewhere else in a parallel universe
Where we are someone else
There are bits and pieces of us, atoms and molecules, in another universe, maybe in the same time OR a different era

There we have forgiven many, we have settled lots of scores

We think we are but inconsequential parts of this universe, billions and trillions of us
But I believe each one of us & every single thing we do , affects the universe in a way which changes its course in seemingly minimalist way, yet remarkably

Universe is like a deck of cards, a piece goes astray, a part of it distorts, collapses
Maybe not all of us feel the decay, the collapse, but for a few it is a catastrophe
And that means something, in the larger picture

In that universe, which we are mostly not consciously living, we are avenged, sorted, at peace
Cos I cant believe all that we want to be, we want to have, if gone wrong, has no place anywhere

This feeling is very important for me to believe in, this theory I created
To be at peace with many things, as they are, in this universe!

Rebuild me..from scratch..you(who does not exist, only in my mind now)

I surprise myself at the contradictions that I see in me, and the way I deal with different situations with contrasting attitudes

There are times when in the grimmest of grimmest moment, I have acquired a happy disposition, I am actually acting better than before, not panicking, just trusting and believing in something good.

But then comes some other times, I just break into pieces, scattered, not a bit of me knows how to arrange myself in a recognizable fashion.
Those things one might consider very small, and find an outlet to dispose off the garbage, but I find all my outlets clogged and the feeling forming a stench and stinking within me

Sometimes the small things that I wanted in life..they look so big now..
Anything unfulfilled becomes a disease, a nagging pain, an all encompassing feeling pervading every bit of you

Probably those are something so core to you, so abstract, so fragile that you had never known how to deal with them

टूट के बिखरना मुझको जरूर आता है 
वरना इबादत वाला शऊर आता है 

I, for sure, know how to break and get scattered
Otherwise I know the beauty of praying

(I think the translation is not great, and I dont know the best words to do it)

A weird dream

Yesterday I had a dream which left me wondering.
I get into these phases of dreaming a lot, and then blank nights.
So right now, its a lot of dreams every alternate days.

And the craziest part is, I remember its detail long after.

I dreamt that I had gone to some exotic location. It was India, but looked like out of the world.
I dont know who I was with though, it was a male for sure.
A friend, a brother, a lover...identity of that person isnt something I grasped even in my dream

We are near a huge water bed, its a river with strong currents, not sea but river.
And afar I see a beautiful caravan on a boat. Its something I have never seen before. Lights, music, and I hear laughter and gaiety of people on that boat. Mind you, its a boat and not a ship. With an architecture not common for a boat, its a sight to behold.

I see it moving down with the current towards us, its still far.
 Its full of some hidden happiness, a forgotten possibility and I so long to be in it, at that very moment.
But its still very very far and I wait.
Suddenly I see that the boat is right in front of me, in my reach and I just have to take one small step to be inside.
My partner, whoever he is besides me, asks me to take a leap and be a part of the whole charismatic show. I am all set but suddenly I recall that someone had told me long back that this river has mirages. You see something in front of you which is not there. So don't get fooled and indulge in it.

I tell the same to my friend, but he says its all a myth and boat is right there and we should go in. I turn back to jump into it, and the boat which was closer, suddenly loses its color, from dark brown to pink and then to ashes and smoke and its gone as if it was never there.

I stand crestfallen yet thanking God that I waited for that one moment, when the reality dawned. I shudder at the thought of my plight, had I fallen into the traps of the beautiful mirage in front of me and washed away by the torrents. There is a deep sense of loss and disappointment in me, yet a brooding calm that I was saved.

Yet the beautiful real boat afar is still there and coming towards me, so I still have the flickering hope that someday I might get in.

And I wake up with an after-taste of this dream, mind clogged with various interpretations.

You don't fear being your worst in front of someone with whom you can be your best too.
Someone, who has seen the best in you, makes you comfortable to show your worst, without worrying about the pitfalls and dynamics of the relationship.

There are only 2 aspects of being your worst in a relationship : Either you are too assured of its strong base, or you really dont care about it, since its not giving you anything.

The journey begins again

Why do people stop blogging? The ones who loved doing it once.

I fail to answer, as I am one of them.

And to top it, I think of it everyday. I scribble things and then read it and find it trash and never get to publish. Its like my writing has not ripened enough to be shown to the world.

What stops the flow of eccentric enthusiasm which brimmed earlier? Is it that you have become stale and can not conjure enough novelty? Or is it because you are bored of it? Or is it because you are not sad and yearning for something, which stops you from being dramatic in your writing? Or that you are too busy (most lame excuse, noone is ever too busy to do something they love)? Or is it cos you are too happy in your world that the blog world does not hold any meaning to you anymore?

I dont think its any of that! I think its more of the inertia of things which gets to you, once you get into the motion of not writing. But you keep thinking, I will get back to it with a bang.

I have things to say, share, create. I have too many drafts to publish.

So I have made a pledge, I will write at least once a week. Be it a line, or share a song, or any bullshit.

But I wont stop it to get into that inertia.

My blog has been my shiniest spot in life for over 7 years now, and I can not let go of that.

Not for anything new in life, not for any sorrow or for any joy.

So I hope someone is still looking at this corner of mine, someone is still interested in hearing what I have to say.

And say I will, about me, about things around me.

The journey begins again...

Why Big Boss?

I dont know why I become so hyper at times seeing some shitty reality show!!
I know I sound loony even to myself, but for some reason I get too passionate and obsessed about some people I hate/like in a show like Big Boss.(similar to Big Brother)

I have noticed this has been happening with me since last 3 seasons, basically last 3 years.
Though in the last Big Boss, I was not crusading for anyone specific but I had a few pet hates. I could not stand hypocrisy of some.

In the last to last season, I really rooted and voted many a times for Mehak and I hated Juhi Parmar for ganging up with the likes of Aakash deep and Pooja Bedi, complete brainless,  loud jerks.
My cousin (who used to watch it with me in that season) and I, would usually stand for the same people and share our exasperation with one and all, even though others could not comprehend our madness for T.V actors.

And this season I , with all my heart hate Armaan and that shitty, joke of a woman Tanisha, who has no self respect. She swoons over a jaded, bad-mouthed, MCP like Armaan as if she is some 18 year old nubile nymphet.

So when today,  nomination for eviction was announced, these 2 along with other 2(Andy and Sangram, who sided with them for votes, in-spite of both of then having major fights with Armaan earlier, as Armaan is one abusive person who does not leave anyone) were fool-proofed, I have been feeling a palpitation for who would be eliminated this week.

I wish not my favorite Gauhar. It would be sad to see the only one who maintained her dignity, to leave the show to a bunch of bullies and doormats.

But I am more bothered about my deep association with these characters, than the characters themselves.
I have no idea why such a reality show should inflict anything on me.

Gradually I have come to understand only one thing for such a grave obsession , that all my anger from people, from my life, from injustice I have seen or borne, from conniving treachery others close to me have been subjected to..all of it comes alive when I see a show like this, with real people and real situations.

I know its stupid and irrational, but when was I rational?

Living in London

I have no clue why people in India ever decide to leave and go to a western country to spend a large portion of their lives.
I mean after staying in US for a year, and right now 2 months in London, my conviction that India is the place or me, is getting cemented.
There are way too many things to consider here. Let me begin with the amount of work one has to do, with domestic help being as costly as half your salary maybe

Every time I get up to do something, ,I need to think on the lines of "how to minimize work, in washing utensils".
Points to consider are:
 -Reuse the spoons
-Just rinse and use the same pan twice for making tea
- every time you finish something, immediately keep it in dishwasher so that there is not a load of stuff left at the end of the day...and all such stunts

and each time I go back to my life in India...the grandeur with which I used to throw every utensil I used back home in India..without a care...that is so much much missed

Then lets come to the medical stuff, I had to get a few tests done, and for that you need to be enrolled in a surgery, which takes a couple of days. I am not sure how someone who comes here fresh manages it, I had a spouse living here for 10+ years, so I could manage faster. Cos if you are not enrolled, private tests cost you a fortune, on the lines o 150 pounds which translates to 15,000 rs. for tests which would hardly take 1000-2000 rs in India.
Then comes getting an appointment, even a bloody blood test which only takes a couple of seconds, takes you a week to get reserved. One of the test is available only after a month..holy f*** shit!
There are some tests which had to be timed in a certain way, which is unpredictable, and if you dont get it right then you may as well wait for a month for the next opportune moment, since the booking always makes it a week to come by..HUH!
And the reports also take a week to come, and they dont even give you the report, just let you know if its good or bad!!

3rd comes the conveyance bit. Someone like me, who does not earn billions, could afford an auto which is so easily available and I can get one as soon as I get down my flat. Never knew something like that could be a luxury in foreign cities. So if you dont drive, your life can be quite hellish and dependent, in this unknown country. The trains and buses and changes can leave you exhausted, unless you are in the heart of the city, which is not affordable by all.

For someone like me, this life seems a struggle!!

And I wish to be back, back for good, to my old India. The haggard, poor, much looked down upon India, which has always given me the wings to fly, and every where else I felt tied.

Love it

He reminds me of tea and coffee
of sunshine falling on hills before sunset

the ceramics cups and galsses in my kitchen..adding colour to the life around me
and of the inebriated state of marijuana

Yes he is is like that......

Or is it I who has made him like one??

with my forever state of marijuana inebiration
with myself?

whatever it is..its nice to be in it
either him or me..making us larger than what we are

Love it, cos I done have much to love anywhere else!

Quick Post

I have been away for more than a month, ,with lots of thoughts to write about..but not much of time or inclination.
So all that is lying in my draft, or my phone's notes.

But thats cos I have been busy with preparing for something pretty extensively.
And I need best wishes from all on that front.

I will let you know what it is and how it goes, when that happens.

I just had to write this post, cos I cant let my blog abandoned for long.

Those beautiful ones

Those big cities with eye blinding lights seduce me in a way I cant describe

Whenever I croos continents, I cant take my eyes off from sights of citis like this, in the night

"We are crossing Geneva", the announcement is made in the aircraft and like a sucker for beauty I hang onto my window, my co passenger eyeing me if s/he mistook me for an adult

I remember as a child, I would also look out for beauty...
-Of face, of body, of scenery, of words and of pure feelings

Beauty never threatened me, it just heightened my sense of everything within me, what I sought in this world...

I dont know why sometimes I stare in the horizon in twilight..when the sun has gone down and the moom has not come up as yet..a time of the day when all that is alive is part of me
Something scathing, unsatisfied..burning in that moment..the beauty of which bewitches me..my thirst for my life resurrects..and I wish to meet that person who holds the key to my being..in the meeting of dawn and dusk