Life of a pedestrian

Not being able to drive and being averse to auto-wallas in Bangalore, I tend to walk a lot. But a pedestrian has very little value in the traffic scenario of our modern India(at least Bangalore).
Its at these times that I miss my 1 year stay in the USA a lot.

Back there, I felt so safe walking around cos I knew a car would first look for someone like me walking down the road, in the parking lot, around the corner..and then speed up. They have speed limits within residential areas, which is so very right and required.

I remember a friend in US telling me - "Yahaan pedestrians ki bahut aukat hai" (Pedestrians have a lot of value here).
Maybe cos they have so many rules and regulations and the fact that any and everyone can sue, at the drop of a hat.

But here, every place is a highway and you can speed up as you wish.
Even the pavements, which are meant just for pedestrians, is not left alone.
So many pavements are broken cos the bikers(sometimes cars too) ride on it since they don't have patience for the traffic, traffic light and the people

Where do we go then?

Sometimes when I am feeling nasty, I would stand on the pavement and not budge, if a biker tries to speed past. I do get nasty looks and rude honks, but I have become immune to those. And on some worse days, I even tell them to either get down from pavement or wait indefinitely cos I am going to stand there for an hour!

Near my house, which is a residential area and a lot of people are forever walking around, how can you zoom past? When you reach a corner and turn, aren't you supposed to slow down to see if there is anyone walking on the other side?And if you see me crossing the road, you can not honk and shout,cos there is very little I can do when I am right in the center of the road, at the verge of crossing to the other side, when a car suddenly appears from no where and wants me to yield. I will need a few seconds to reach either side.

You can not wish me away by just honking, I can not evaporate into thin air right in the middle of the road. So you got to have patience of a few seconds(yes that's all it takes) for me to cross to either side of the road. That's the only way its gonna work for both of us.

On another note, even though I love India and all through my stay in US I missed the buzz, the crowd, I do miss US at times. For small things, like someone holding the door for you(though at times I found it little irritating and condescending, since sometimes I used to be some 15 feet away from the door and someone, who was also going out, would hold the door for me and I would then try to run to alleviate him from that task), car waiting on me to cross ..and the likes.

My one year in US spoiled me so much and I got so used to these small things that once I was back,it took me a while to adapt.
I would nervelessly cross the road, even if I saw a vehicle at a distance, being sure it would slow down for me.Managing by a meager second, from being blown away.
I used to try walking past the door, if I saw someone going before me, thinking s/he would hold it for a second more, only to be rudely banged by the door on the face and saving my nose marginally from being smashed.

It took me a month to get adjusted, and back to my India and its glorious ways.

It must have been love

I have never given much importance to the niceties in a man(for that matter anyone). The extra sweet behavior, courtesy, chivalry, and all that banal talk about how he is all for equality of women, how he is so adjusting, honest and all that crap

That wont impress me.
But you say something original, something which will make me sit up and notice you, which will hit me as a new wave of thought, then I can be your slave(that's exaggeration)

That's awe-inspiring for me. Then I would want to know every bit of you..with my never ending effort

There are things people have told me which I remember for life.
Small things, which have hit me, made me smile or cry, made me think

And one such is, what you told me, 7 years back?

- "R, you do not have soft edges around you. They are these sharp ones. A person has to slide off a little around you and will get hurt by your barbed wires. Things which other women can get by using their femininity, you make it all so righteous. You would never use your charm to get anything, always your conviction that you deserve it."

Though I was very annoyed about something at that point, this statement made me relent.
In a fraction I realized what you meant and in spite of these not-so-nice words, I felt a sense of relief. Relief for seeing the real me. Relief for being with someone who can tell that to me. I went quiet and just looked at you.

Encouraged by my silence you added : "Its like walking on tenterhooks, one small glitch and I fall off."

To that, I giggled and added - "But it has a thrill..an anticipation, right? What if you make it till the end without falling? It gives you a sense of a portentous victory! And you desire to still tiptoe, cos of that one feeling?"

Its not about the sweet things one says, or the harsh things..its so much about the right things..
Blatant honesty is the most innocent thing in a human!.

That's what makes you fall in love with someone..cos they see you as you are
And they can tell you in a way, which is so endearing

Bad or good, polite or rude does not bother then..
What you feel at that point is..maybe a part of your heart can still belong

So, I dint object or accept but we just smiled and savored that feeling, of ....of belonging to someone again..

There is one thing I would like to tell you, if I could..
Your memory is always a reminder of a smile lost in time.
You are the tucked away laughter in my heart.
Whenever I want, I can take an ounce of those smiles and smear my day with that

It must have been love..but its over now
It must have been good..but I lost it somehow

She is doing her bit

This is for my sister, who recently sung at freedom park in Bangalore, where Anna Hazare's supporters had conglomerated

Hum Hindustani

She was overwhelmed by the spirit of people and response to their performance..


Baar baar haan

Three cheers for her band Dwi

Yes, we are a family of singers and dancers!
And does this post look like advertising her band..then it is :)

Dance does you good

If someone has not danced in life, they must try it once
Its liberating..
Just moving and controlling your own body gives you such a sense of being alive

And my new dance classes are doing me good.

For my body and my ego-boost too

Today I was not so well, so I messaged the teacher that I might not be able to come

She messaged back saying "Please try and come, I have called all the girls to suit your timing."
I was a little surprised and irked, cos I never asked her to call them, plus she wasn't paying attention to the fact that I wasn't well.

So I replied saying, I can try and come but I wont dance.
To that she said, take care of your health and don't come if you really can not

I went nevertheless, cos dance is my weakness.
When I went, no one had arrived yet and she had the music playing on full blast.

She checked with me if I would like to do some warm up, and brush up the steps.
I said yes and started, but tried to under play it, so as not to exert.

But as we progressed, I got into the groove and was full on.
My creaking knees mutely protested, but I ignored.

When you are in love, do you pay heed to anyone who says anything against your lover..its the same between me and dance.

And while I was dancing, she stopped and looked at me with admiration and said "You have amazing body language. All the girls are coming cos they want to see you dance. They keep talking about you, how you are in a different league all together.
That's why I wanted you so much to come today and show them the steps I want to teach them".

Ha....so what am I now? A pin-up girl for the dance class, a display model is it??

........Well, I am loving it!!!

I can do so much for dance.

wo banda hi kya hai, jo naache na gaaye..aa haathon mein tu haath thaam le

Companionship.......

.....is over-rated.

That's what I believe.

Here I am not talking just about a romantic companion, it could be just anyone.
Close , or not so close does not matter.
And I am talking about the 24 hour living in and out, with that person

The advent of every new person in your life, gives another dimension, different energy, new perspective to your life.

Its good for a while, the change is appreciable and well received
But I feel finally all of it boils down to one single point from where deriving happiness becomes difficult

There is a rise of expectations, dependency and all the complications of another human's mind and habits

Things I could have done without, things which would not matter to me otherwise..start bothering in strange ways

If I don't have anyone to turn to, I stretch myself to fit all the crevices.
I fill in all the blanks of my mundane life, and I become consolidated

But as a new person comes in my system, the consolidated me is again scattered into smaller fragments, and a bit of me gets lost like that

In order to be whole, one has to be alone
I am my best, when left alone

My body was your abode

A lovely song from Company, haunting voice
I loved the video too

आँखों में रही, बाहों में रहो, पलकों में रही जुल्फों में रहो
ये सारे घर हैं तुम्हारे , जहाँ भी दिल चाहे रहो...

In love, your body feels like your lover's abode
The smell, the touch, the conversations
You carry it along, within you

पास हमारे आना हो तो, बिना बुलाये आ जाना

Love's pride and love's expectations are many fold

It wants you, yet it does not
Love wants things, without asking for it

आज न जाने ये क्या हुआ है, कोई जरा ये समझाए
इतना सुरूर छाया है, जी करता है मर जाएँ

Yes, I have lived this, many deaths and many lives,
Waiting for a word from your beloved
That one name on my cell, you were my happy message

I would wonder if sadness was a disguise for my love
If happiness was always entwined with the sadness

With you,I was always this molten lava, which no one dared to mold

I molded myself....into forms of your whims
Into somethings..and then into nothingness

I am

Everything is transient, that's the beauty of it all
Whats permanent is just me..

Things that tormented me yesterday
I laugh on them today

I am not a sum of what had been
But always a wait for what is to be

I've kept a void in me, to be filled and discarded
A me, which is always empty

Like flowing water, I gush in and gush out of that void
From no-where to no-where

I am a clean slate,
you can write your story on me today

मैं थी, मैं हूँ, मैं रहूंगी...
(I was, I am and I shall be)

So now the whole world(the world which knows me in small ways) knows I have a blog. I have tried hard enough to get search engines to leave my blog out, on my name search. But all in vein.

I think my blog is linked to my gmail account, and that has a linked ad-sense account (which is impossible to delete or have my name changed there) which makes my blog appear in search list, if someone googles my name.

I have no f**ing idea why anyone would google my name???

Its very disconcerting for me to know that people I meet daily, but who hardly know me,can read my inner most thoughts right here.
I meet some guy, and next day he tells me how wonderfully I write. And he never thought I was such a person...etc etc.

So you, who googled my name and found this blog, please go. You, who I see daily and converse only in "hi"'s, spare this space please.


I need help, I have tried enough settings in the blogger.
How to disable search engines from listing my blog on my name search?
I have tried to set it off through blogger but that clearly does not work.

Anyone, please help. This is urgent!

I have given you reasons to remember me by
My words, my laughter, my passion, my anger

But you have not..just an insipid idea of a could-have-been

Maybe that makes you more generous
For not giving me memories

Maybe there, you have a one up against me!