My moments

I went to pick up Aaru from school the other day. I usually don't go, his nanny mostly picks and drops him.

Each time I go, I wait to see him like a lover waiting for a message from a beloved.

And the moment I see him!! If I say he is the dollop of light which falls in my world each time I see him, it wont be an over-the-top statement

Each time, that moment stands out. His gaze falls on me, and his whole face and body lights up. His body language changes to that of a loved, brat-ish little boy, who knows he is my hero. We both rush to each other.

Its so strange that in that moment, I don't see who brought him to me, I don't acknowledge if anyone is smiling at me, or trying to talk to me. Its just me and him, gleeful in each others presence(just like they show in movies that the whole world is a haze and you only see the one you want to see)

And this happens e.v.e.ry.t.i.m.e I go to his school. My Aha moment.

Isn't this what love is all about or supposed to be? Love means each time you see that person, even if if you stay with him/her, just a brief 2 hours of separation and you are again new to each other. The novelty of seeing each other never fading.

I have found that love in my child.

On another note: I was telling his teachers that he has been extremely cranky off late cos of introducing a new protocol of medicines. Been crying a lot for no reason, so in case this happened with them then they need not be alarmed.

Both his teachers looked at each other and said "Araadhya crying? We have never seen him cry even once! He even fell down and hurt his nose, he just made a sound but no tears! He gets angry and sometimes throws things but never cries."

And I said to myself "after all he is my son" and many men in my life had this issue with me that I never cried, that I was hard-hearted or something? I only cried alone, if I had to. And Aaru cries only when I am around, the one person he is safest with. (Though now after Aaru, I cry easily, as if something broke inside me which I held onto for years)

The first time someone said that to me (that he would like to see me cry just once) , I was reminded of this song by Enrique Iglesias "I dont know why , I dont know why, I love to see you cry"

So what?

My earlier version was so full of "So what?"

Well, I could garner happiness with that 2 words sentence

I was alone for the longest time in my life, and to my loneliness I could say "So what?"
There were happy couples around...but that dint deter me into marriage well past the age

I dint have all the money, I had what kept me happy and content
And to those who said "You can earn much more" I would say "So what?"

It dint matter to me..as I had the deepest sense of my being..
As long as I felt hope, as long as I felt dreams floating around me..I was OK
As long as I felt beautiful..as long as I felt desirable..that's all that mattered

Other things could wait..there was still time for all of it

But now..

I am unable to say "So what?" to anything related to Aaru

When he could not walk till 2..I could not say "So what!" I burnt my ends doing exercises and running to therapies to make him walk
He is 3 and does not speak much..I cant say "So what!" I am scrambling and spending all that I have to get him to talk

That flamboyance of "So what" is gone..that intoxicating carelessness of infinite time is a story of the past

Now I feel I am in a race against time!

On nights like these

On nights like these
When sleep eludes me

Cos Aaru has woken up..with his breathing issues
And after trying to fight his and my sleep

I give in and try to make use of it
I go to the hall and put on TV

And I hear a small squeak from the bedroom, which I hoped so much not to hear
I can not sit in the bedroom and stare vacantly at walls while he sleeps

So all I can do now is take him in my lap, pour out a glass of wine..and watch TV with him sleeping in my lap..as I cant take chances with him..or with myself

Such an odd pair we are..Aaru and I

All alone, yet strong and bellowing

And at this stage all I wish..I wish earnestly as I got to know God would not listen if you just  make a wish mechanically
You got to really ask for it, and mean it

So with all in me, I try to mean what I want

That I meet someone who loves Aaru (not me or my face)..as much or maybe even half of how much I love him and how much love he deserves

That there is someone who is capable enough to help us(not monetarily but in heart and actions, not in words!!!), who would take up some doc appointments while I lie in bed without a worry as I know there is someone else there who worries for him half of as much as I do (that would be enough I tell  you)

That there is someone who would learn how much of each supplements to give him, while I can spend an extra half an hour in bed, after spending sleepless night

Oh God! What I would do to get a person like that in my life....

To be or not to be

Is it possible not to exist for some days, as in choose a day in the week when you dont want to exist

Non-existence- Don't confuse it with being at home and lying around and not doing anything

Its like being wrapped in a vacuum bubble, where nothing changes, nothing in the world, the world thats mine

Aaru and I both, no therapies, no physical tasks, no supplements to worry about
And that day should not count at all in history, its not a day wasted

When the whole day I tire myself with thoughts of what next to do, what next to accomplish and I hit on a spot where I feel numb by the end of the day and just vaguely wonder..if only tomorrow did not come

But tomorow I want to exist, as tomorrow is the day I began my existence :)

Rain rain...dont go away

It was raining heavily yesterday..and I wanted to get drenched
The desire to get soaked and just let myself be in the downpour was so intense

There was a time when I used to do it back home, every year on the terrace..at the onset of monsoon

But this time, the posh apartment, lack of my own big balcony or terrace..the people around stopped me

I wanted to hold Aaru and let him experience this beauty of rains..the amalgam of heaven and the earth..me and him.
But his ear infctions..him small nose and ear passages which make him prone to lots of disease , stopped me further

I just wish a time would come..when mt inhibitions..his ailments mean nothing

And I can just hold him under the sky...with the rain dropping on us

Sum of it all

It does not go

Whatever I say and whatever I do

This feeling does not go..and sometimes feigning that its gone...hurts and tires me more
So I would let it be

And cry..and break in my solitude..I dont have to keep myself strong always

I remember that day of knowing the diagnosis
It was not told to me right away that his blood has been sent for sampling for down syndrome, all around me knew it(Now I thank God that they hid it, cos my initial days were anyways gloomy. I was scared of so many things that if I had known this, I would not have been able to survive nor would Aaru)

It was 18th August, 2014, I walked into pediatrician's room for general check up and some vaccination. Aaru cried a bit and so did I(can not explain how tears flew down my cheeks when he cried for a vaccine injection, I was never such a soft person) and then doc said all looks well but I have not yer got reports for THAT blood test

I had heard it a couple of times by then, he kept mentioning in our earlier visits but I never paidn attention as husband never paid.
But this time I asked "But what is THAT report?"
He said "For down syndrome"

I froze

And my gut knew its true. I have no idea but the moment he said it, I knew..till then I had not double guessed anything could be wrong..but that minute I knew

Yet I started cross questioning him, as if my cross questioning would make it go away.."why would you think so"
He says " Siemen line on his palm, sandle gap in his toes, slanting eyes"
I kept staring at Aaru, but I could hear pieces of me falling around

Yet no tears, nothing outrageous
I asked where I could get the reports, he said downstairs

Husband has been avoiding it all the time. Each time the doc raised question about the report I would ask him later what that report was and he would say must be ECHO etc etc, but all those were clear long back so I have no idea why he dint even want to check the report?He could have not told me yet got to know the report.

Maybe he wanted to get out of India before the catastrophe fell and dint have to deal with a mad and sorrowful woman and list of activities which ensued once we knew the diagnosis

We went down to get the report, my heart in pieces while husband was being comical, not appreciated in anyway by me

I grabbed and opened and read "Positive", it was the fish report
No tears, nothing.

We came up and the doc very stoically said "So its positive, but the report which would make it 100% would come through karyotyping which was supposed to take another week".
I had no doubt that my baby had down syndrome, yet the husband kept asking some inane questions and I could not meet the eyes of my 18 days old son. I could not gather the courage to look at him. I dont know why I felt I had wronged him.

Husband got engaged in some birth certificate etc while I sat there, my baby wrapped in a yellow wrap sleeping beautifully. I looked at all the babies around and felt strange tinge of pain, lonelieness, envy...yet my love for this boy was not in question.

I asked husband to stop all the talking and rush home, I could not bear to be in that hospital another moment...I needed my mom, my home, my comfort.
While in car, I held Aaaru and silently cried looking out of the window. No way could I show my tears to anyone, not even husband, Cos he really seemed very detached and being with him made me feel lonelier. He sensed I was crying and all he did was patted my arms twice.

In all these years of my existence that was the first time I recall I wanted to break, just let go. And I wanted him to understand that and hold me and be broken himself. I dint want his strength , I wanted someone to feel the pain in exact measures as I felt, a party to my shattering soul, a companion in my misery. And I wanted that person to be just him, noone else. Cos he was the father , an equal in our love for Aaru
But not a squeak from him!

We reached home, the message had been sent to my sis and she was coming over. Mom dint know but she saw my face and guessed and I told her in plain words.

Husband went into the other room and I left Aaru with ma, I really wanted to know what he felt, what was our plan, wanted him to tell me it will be alright that our son will still be the best thing to have happened to us.
I went to the other room to check whats keeping him busy, he was on his laptop, I eagerly asked him what was he up-to hoping he would tell me he is gathering some information on how to deal with this all. But he said I have to submit this timesheet as its Friday!
And that moment I knew, this will be my fight..all alone..and without a word I came back to my room

The days and months after that were a haze of research, night outs, buying toys to stimulate his brain, finding which therapies he can go to, what tests to be done, all this with no help from doctors or anyone else

It hasnt been easy to say the least but I have loved every moment of it, of finding  my way through the mess.

Every single thing I learn I try it on him, new supplement, new therapy and see him change and evolve with it

We are growing each day, each minute..Aaru and I..Aaru in all his loveliness and I basking in his glory!

But some days, the memory of pain hovers over me, wringing everything inside out

Fighter

There is this serial I used to watch "Revenge" on star plus
Its the story of a woman whose father was falsely executed and died, when she was very small and she grows up to fight with the very powerful people who were responsible for that.

Though a far fetched story yet riveting and there were few scenes and dialogues which made it worth a watch. I specially liked the  protagonist , she carried the role to perfection

In that the father later comes back, he was not dead but for 18 years he faked his death and was in the hiding.

Towards the end there is a scene where father finds out he has terminal cancer and tells the daughter.

She is heart broken but keeps giving solutions or ways to fight it, she says we can do dialysis, chemo, hormone therapy, we can go to the best of the best..this will not last..you will survive

While the father knows its the end

But he just looks at her, she has tears flowing yet acting strong and suggesting remedies, and he says "Where did you learn to fight so much?"

On that dialogue somewhere something stung in me, it was as if he was talking to me, it was as if all these months of my struggle I wanted someone to say that to me...
All those months post diagnosis of my son's down syndrome, I hardly cried in front of anyone

I used that energy to read, read, read..search ..google..there has to be a way
There has to be a way to get my son out of this...to give him what he needs..to make him functional

I had so many fears..which Aaru is proving wrong one by one..and I am so so glad

But those nights till 1 Am, I spent checking on the net, and I still do...that has become the center of my life

And in all this I was very alone, not alone in terms of people around me, but absolutely no idea or help..I have always been the kind who hardly shared the worst of worst in her life with anyone..till things got really really ugly..I always felt I could fight it on my own

And amidst all this, I never knew I wanted a single soul to tell me..where did you learn to fight so much!

Tu jo mila..to ho gaya main kabil..tu jo mila..to ho gaya sab haasil

Today my sweetu , my son Aaru aka Araadhya Srijan, went out for my sisrer's musical show without me, as I was feeling really tired.

This was his first time without me outside house, for such a long time
I kept calling now and then to know his status and my mom reported that though he looked jolly while going out but the moment he realised that I am not around, he cried bitterly. But they could get him around after car trip and moving around. My mom's presence is reassuring for him and me as well.

But the fact that for a while he missed me like mad, made me fee strangely satisfied.

I am a working mother and he gets to spend only 30% of his waking moments with me, in a week. Rest 70% is with my mother yet he craves for me!!???

This feeling is so enriching, so rewarding, so beautiful that I can forget all my malice, all my anger with the world in just that one moment of him trying to find me in every face and crying cos he can not see me

His feeling is so re-assuring to me in many ways..it tells me that apart from what I appear to the world, I am beautiful..I am spotless..I am perfect
Apart from how I torn and scattered I feel, his feeling for me assures me that all thats broken in me will be mended just cos he thinks I can mend it all for him

My love for him, which results in his immense love and trust in me...decides it all

He tells me that I am invincible

There is something so pure about a child loving you, so attractive, so heart wrenching that the toughest can melt
I see Aaru flashing his smile all around ..to the auto wala, the sweeper, each of them smiling back to him..the ones whom we see usually grumpy with us

And to have that child's love so centered around you..is a privilege, is a gift

Tu jo mila..to ho gaya main kabil..tu jo mila..to ho gaya sab haasil

The best of me

With you...
I feel like a I am part of something bigger than myself

As if I am part of something so divine, so pristine, so glamorous..
More glamorous than any song anyone has sung for a beloved

You.
Are more than life could have offered to me

Aaru..My Aarya...My Sirjan..Araadhya
You are my celebrity, my cocaine, my intoxication

You smell of my dreams..and me
You are......the best of me

Najar nahin lagegi tumhen, I am watching over baby!

Piece of perfection

I sometimes look at him and wonder from where he learnt to make these faces.
Where he got this attitude from?

Sometimes he would grimace at me and try to win my love, if someone else is doing something he does not like (mainly changing his clothes which is not a great affair for him, when his hands and feet get pulled).
Sometimes he would look through me if he does not really need me, is happy in his zone, or if I fawn too much and he is not in a mood to be fawned at.
Sometimes he would go on incessant babbling session, and make faces like grown ups would talk, with variation in tones.

And yet other times he would smile in glee, like the most beautiful rainbow the sky has ever seen, shining through my days and nights, cutting across everything sweet in me, that my heart can not take so much of love.

And for a moment I drop dead in my tracks and think HOLY SHIT! This is my doing. This ticked inside me for 9 months.
This adorable adorable piece of perfection.... is my son!

My boom shaka laka..being your mother is my greatest gift in life!

Blues

He loves the blue, he never told me but I figured out.
By listening to his heart, and tuning into his thoughts

Its a specific shade of blue, deeper than the sea!

So I have decide to make my wardrobe a little more blue, never a favorite color with me, but for him..anything!

Well, its not a lover, its my baby boy for whom I want to wear blue from now on.

Things I never did for love of a man, I am ready to do for the love of my son

Oops! I again wrote about my baby, and I thought I was writing about love :)

Where do I begin

I know I write a lot about my baby (still I feel its less), but if you have one and you are a woman, you would know (and only you) what it is all about.
This mind boggling love and attachment you grow for someone who has not yet made any memories with you.
Maybe cos your baby was always a part of everything beautiful in you, everything beautiful meant for you!

My heat always swells with inexplicable feelings...cos of the way he comes to me with puppy eyes,cos of his smell and his complete submission to me. cos of his frail body, his wobbly head, his gaze at me for long time and occasionally following me with his eyes as I move around..
It's frightening to feel so vulnerable and strong at the same time!

I keep trying to detach myself from him, giving myself weird reasons like - he is just a speck of life, which happened to be inside me..why should it gnaw at my heart to hear him cry? And for a while I feel I have done it, in bits. When he is sleeping in his crib and I am not around, I feel this time when I see him next I wont get that tug in my heart. But the moment his mere face comes in my mind, my heart constricts, with some mix of pain, love, fear..

It is as if with him all possible emotions are at their pinnacle..

OK!
I promise to write about something else next(though my son is the most happening thing in my life right now and for years to come), something which has been in my mind for as long as I remember, in big and small measures. Something I feel deeply about, which agitates me and I believe is the source of many evils in society. Something I felt was trivial when I was a young girl with naive thoughts of always following my heart and what I felt was right, but now all that seems like a struggle, an ugly battle, a nasoor(wound) which would never be healed.

तुम आये...

कुछ अजीब सी कैफ़ियत है दिल की
जबसे तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी आखों से मिली हैं

तुम
दो आँखें है, दो प्यारे हाथ हैं (जो जब न तब मेरे बालों को खींच लेते हैं)
तुम्हारी मीठी साँसें हैं
बस यही धूरि है मेरी अब
तुम से, तुम तक ही..
मेरे दिन और रात हो गए हैं

किसी से सुना  था,
प्यार जब होता है तब ही खुद के दिल की गहराइयाँ पता चलती हैं
ये अब समझ आया है,
तुम तो लगता है मेरी आत्मा तक पहुँच गए हो
वो भी बिना कुछ बोले

शायद मेरी शकल भी अभी तुम्हारी जेहन में सही आकार नहीं ले पायी होगी
पर कभी कभी  तुम्हारी आँखें यूँ कहती हुई लगती हैं
कि चाहे मैं तुम्हें पेह्चानूं या ना पेह्चानूं
तुम्ही मेरी ख़ास लड़की हो

घर बहार, बाजार
हर तरफ तुम्हारा छोटा सा चेहरा दिखता है
मेरे अंदर की छिपी ख़ुशी को तुम्हारी शक्ल मिल गयी है

मेरे बच्चे , मेरे गुड्डे
मेरे दिल को तुमने बड़ा कर दिया और वहां प्यार ही प्यार भर दिया
जिंदगी ने एक और मौका दिया है , जिंदगी को अपने घर लाने का
अब जिंदगी चाहे जहाँ ले जाये, चाहे जो दिखाए
हम और तुम मिलके सब आसान कर लेंगें

होगा क्या हम ना जानें , नयी भर लें उड़ानें...
जज्बात ने पर हैं फैलाये , तुम आये 

Resilience

I wonder how in the most devastating moments of one's life, we humans can still think or bother about the most mundane.

When the heart is racing beyond recognition and palpitation is running high, some part of your brain sends a signal : "Looks like I need to get another bottle of body lotion"

While there are tears in the eye, and accidentally you lock eyes with yourself in the mirror, there is a tiny voice which says : "Maybe my eyebrows need threading again, too disheveled!"

Its amazing how a part of you is breaking and scattering into pieces, there is another part which keeps the equilibrium by thinking of inane stuff

Maybe this is what makes we humans get back to normal after every disaster in life, this is what builds the strength in us, in our worst nightmares

So in my heart I always know, I might be breaking right now, but I will be fine sooner than I expected

Cos I know that those who can break are the ones who can really build something

I know I will be breaking many times over now, but I will resurrect cos I will have you to gather my scattered soul

Resilience in human specie is an amazing thing!

My Sun,my Son

This heart can sing new songs now...
My eyes will dream for you now

Araadhya Srijan..
you are a piece of my heart, which has not been celebrated as yet
I will celebrate myself with you, once again

मेरे लाल ,
तुम तो हमेशा थे...
मेरे मन की अभिलाषा में, तन की परिभाषा में
बचपन के गुड़िया घर में
कितनी बार तुझे खेलते खेलते तोडा, तोड़ते तोड़ते जोड़ा
पाकर खोया, खोके पाया है
कहाँ से बताऊँ तू आया है, पड़ा मैंने तुझको कहाँ पाया है

मिला था मन को जब मेरे एक तन
उपजा था तू एक मधुर चाँद बन

My Child
You were always there
In all my desires and my body definition
In my doll house from childhood
So many times I have played with you and broken you
And then put back pieces of you together

I lost you and found you so many times
How do I know where you have come from
Where did I find you lying

When my soul and body were brought together
You arose from it, like sweet moon