मैं सारी रात कतिया कतिया करूँ

मुझे मत उटकेरो
बहुत जतन से बुना है मैंने खुदको
एक नहीं, कई बार..

मत उधेड़ो मुझे,
 सिर्फ  अपनी तन्हाइयों को मेरे  रेशों  से भरने के लिए
 बड़ी मुश्किल से दिल  और दिमाग के तारों को सुलझती हूँ मैं ,
 एक दिन नहीं , रोज़.…

रात चिंताओं को बुनती हूँ
सुबह अधूरे ख्वाब
ख्वाब से ख्वाब का सफर
तय करती हूँ रोज

ख़ुशी निचोड़ना चाहती हूँ
अपने हर पल से
बेधड़क हँस के , बेमानी लतीफों पे

बहुत ज़्यादा मांगा था कभी ज़िन्दगी से
अभी सिर्फ इतना ही मांगती हूँ

Can you be you?

I don't claim to be blemishless
But I can only claim...
That I would give you my darkness, for the darkest in me
The pure dirt, for the dirtiest in me
Never the impure dust

But if you give me white lies, for the black in you
I would smudge my dark, and my dark would rot in me
Into a rotten quagmire, which would make me, unrecognisable to you
And bring this US down

Cos its only the dark shared, in its truest form, in us
Which can ever bring us to light...!

His scent - for one more season

She does not love to be loved, but just as whim
Being desirous suffices her needs

She looks at men with her kohl-ed eyes
In her Velvety heel and black shimmer dress

she can find gaps in any man, from where she can slip

She says..the wanting look in men in truthful
Not the love they wear on their sleeves

They have all loved her secret strength
Not knowing she had always been in love with a weakness

But strange things happen with her always
The more she gets detached, the more men try to get her attached
The false stability makes her further unstable in her mind

She hates to stare at her mobile for someone's name
Nameless faces make her feel  alive now

She knows the game of seduction finally tilts things
One way or another,

She knows, men will get her addicted to something, and take that away
So the only addiction she trusts now is of alcohol and desire

Some women are meant to be lonely
Men have seized to be what she wanted them to be
A tryst with herself, a lump in her throat

There has always been..
This desperate need to look for someone who is in touch with himself..
So that he can touch her soul some day

For men, her mystery ends in her body, never before and never after
She carries her mystery with herself, never willing to part

She does not believe in greatness in men, mere thought disquiets her
Its the smallness in them that lets her be what she wants to be

She has been hugged many a times, sometimes for the body
Sometimes for the sake of commitment and objectification
But nothing in synch with her, nothing of the hugs she misses

All this rigmarole, cos she tried finding his scent elsewhere, but could not
She would never know what a life with him would have been, or if any of it was worth it

The scent of belonging, the scent of her womanhood
She has not blushed in eons

You will not be lost

If ever you thought you lost any part of you
Come to me
I have all your parts intact, within me

If you feel you lost your mirth,
I will give back that you to you
Who smiled as he got up from bed and winked at me
And I knew, that the day dint belong to me anymore

If you have any doubts about your worth
I will be your reminder
Of how you wiped my fears

All the light, all the shine in you
Are etched in my recess, threaded in my pores
You just have to see me, and be reminded of your glory

If right now you feel like nothing
Remember me, and you will become all that a man like you is meant to be

If I exist, rest assured none of you will be lost ever
We will be in love again
With someone like each other

A poetess like me

I follow a blog which puts up great work by various artists from various streams and its a delightful blog for me. There are rare songs, poems by writers I was not aware of. One such I came across recently was "Nikki Giovanni". This blog translates everything in hindi, which was beautiful. But I knew the English would be much more, and I searched and fell in love with her many poems which I read. She felt close to heart, a natural, a lover. There is a poem which resembles a line from my hindi poem which I had written ages ago


I am sharing lines from some of the poems I found stunning

 "Cotton Candy on a Rainy Day"

Don't look now

I'm fading away

Into the gray of my mornings

.........

I try I become more difficult to hold

I am not an easy woman to want

They have asked the psychiatrists . . . psychologists . . . politicians and social workers

What this decade will be known for

There is no doubt . . . it is loneliness

-------

"Choices"

if i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do

--
This specific poem written below is the one which made me feel I had written something very very similar way back

"The way I feel"(Ahh this is one of my labels on this blog)

i've  noticed I am happier

when i make love 

with you

and i have enough left to

smile at my doorman

 i've realized i'm fulfilled

like a big fat cow

who was just picked

for a carnation contentment

when u kiss your special place

right behind my knee

most time when you are around

i feel like a note

reberta flack is going to sing

And the lines which struck me with deja-vu are following

in my mind you are a clock

and i'm the secodn hand sweeping

around you sixty times an hour

twenty-four times a day

Sample these lines by me, in one of my hindi poems which I had written way back in 1998, in my diary and had posted it on my blog in 2008, here
http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2008/06/some-love-poems.html

तुम जब चाहो मुझे देखोगे और मेरा दिल सिमट आएगा तुम्हारे पास
तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी धूरी हैं
चाहे जहाँ भी जाऊं मैं , केंद्र तुम ही रहोगे
(When you look at me, my heart will come back to you
Your eyes are my pivot
Wherever I am, you will be my center)



Ohh..sweet love, how you feel so strange when you are gone
Was I ever like this.?

4 more years went since I wrote this on the blog too??? Unbelievable. I feel I started this blog so recently

So we were at 2 different parts of the world, thinking alike..

There are other poems which I loved by her, but the last one I want to share here is this

"Communication"

if music is the most universal language

just think of me as one whole note

if science has the most perfect language

then think of me as MC(square)

what i mean is one day

i'm gonna grab your love

and you will be satisfied

Blissful read is each of her writing, and she has the most endearing face and smile

 
 

When we wish others on their success
when we congratulate them
when we feel happy for someone finding true love

we have a tiny wish that a part of their happiness falls on us
we soak ourselves in their gaiety
And hope to steal...
A bit of their flowing happiness
Into ours..

And that makes us happy enough to feel happy for them

Many a times..
We revel in others' moment of glory

The whole of me

I was told, I was the woman to walk the mountains with


And since then, I have walked hills and rivers, in my mind
I have travelled the length and breadth of my being
To see if you would come along to walk with me

But I dont think you believe, do you?

But I swear I do walk, cos sometimes I wake up with smell of sand and sea in my hair
Of nascent flowers on the hills
I smell of cotton balls, and delicate dreams

Craving to be in a place called mine
I have owned and disowned you a thousand times, at my own will
Yes, I have trespassed a few boundaries
Its strange that you never got to know..

But I swear I did own you...sometime someplace,
cos sometimes I wake up speaking words I have never spoken before
Conversation I could have had only with you,and noone else

They say I leave people, I have them when I need them, when I am broken
But do they even know...
There have been men I met, men who deserved only the half broken me?
That me who does not know herself, that me who forgets herself

Maybe they were there for a reason, for a trifle or for a season
reason is gone, trifle is over, and so are they

But you deserve the whole of me
The sweet, bitter me
The laughing me, the chatter box me,the loving me

The me who melts and resurrects
the me who knows no bounds
The me who waits and cries

Maybe I will be broken again, and will belong to many once more
But the whole of me will stand to be owned, just by you

hazaaron khwahishen aisi ki har khawahish pe dum nikale
bahut nikale mere armaan lekin fir bhi kam nikale

Mar jawaan

I am a part of you
I was borne out of you

I existed where you thoughts lingered around me
I breathed with every breath you breathed my name

Cos for you it never began
Cos you never reached where I reached
Cos you were never treading on the path that I was on

So it can never end for you
So you ask me "Why do you want to end it"

Cos for me..this was it
And for you it was one of them
And for me, it will begin each time in my heart
And end there

If you look at someone the way you looked at me
if even for a moment someone occupies the tiniest part of your brain
if even once you talk and laugh with someone the way we did

I will not exists for those moments
For those moments, I would have never crossed your mind

For those moments, I must have been dead

There is no other woman, they are all just women
I could be the other woman, or THE woman
Its a choice I make, not you!

I was borne in you
And in you I will die

I will not lose myself..
       ...in the process of gaining you

So I remain me, and you take your you-ness with you
       ...Empty-hearted I can be, but not empty-minded

Concoction of negations

Am I wanted only as much as I dont want things?
Am I desired only as much as another desires me?

Is my value determined by the non-value I attach to things..
Is my avoidance more charming than acceptance
Is my diligence sign of weakness?
Is my indifference more beautiful than my obsession?

So, if I want something so badly that I make a fool of myself
That I pick up myself each time I fall and stretch my hands to grab it again..
Makes me less beautiful, less desirable?

Is my worth only in a concoction of negations?

My Oasis

Sometimes in the middle of the chaos within my heart
Amidst barren deserts..

I find my oasis...
This little cocoon in my heart

Which puts me at rest and tells me
       "Life will sort itself..you just go on living!"

And everything falls in place..and all the chains are gone
There is freedom of spirit..there is freedom of choice..

Even if for a short while..

Let go

Let go, let go they say
But let go, I will not

Cos letting go is easy to do for the mind
But difficult on the heart

Cos letting go will leave me barren
If I let go , who will hold it for me?

Letting go makes me scattered,
Into tiny molecules, with not a single me in it

Letting go makes me forget
Of what I was and what I wanted to be

So I will hold on
to all the pain, and all the anguish

To the smouldering me
And the negligent you

To the passionate me
And that so dispassionate you

To that ever giving me
And that ever taking you

A time will come
When I can let go

when holding on is no more important

But this one time
Let go, I will not

Tell me something smart..tell me something nice
Take me to a land..full of mischief and crime

Tell me this will last..tell me this is it!
Tell me no respite..from being me

Tell me you love me
Tell me this is true

Tell me how to be
If this is not true..

All that jazz!

You remind me
Of something I lost
Or is it something I never had?

A dream which crossed me in my childhood
Or a dream which lives inside me all the time?

An abstract..a fragrance..a painting..a smile..a tune
reverberating with resonance of life and its meaning
Making me come alive..with your presense..or absence

Its you who makes me tick..and go through the grind
Dont know if I would know you..or be in the oblivion
But its you..which makes my day...and the sultry night

Murmurs

Nothing much happens
A few glaces exhanged..a few words spoken
I hear footsteps..
but dont want to know who has come or who is going

Quietness eludes me..

I love sitting by the window..or did I just think I loved it?
Am no more sure of what I loved

Cross the coffee shop.. a faint breeze of memory brushes acroos
the talks, the coversations and the coffee..was it me?
That running around on the bike...the laughter ringing in my mind

Yes it was me..so very me!

On the streets..across the walls..at the hoardings and in the clubs
I see moments...written and re-written..
The assurance and reassurance of those moments stays with me

the sweet nothings and the bitter somethings..

sometimes a wierd thought creeps in my mind

Do people see me or my memories written large on my face?

Am I the whole me...or scattered in moments..

Moments are over...am I over too?

I push memories away...they form a cobweb around me

They say...life is a stage and we are all playing a character

Then why cant I play my favorite character always?

Silence prevails...as if to combat the loud muttering in my mind
And in the silence of night..all the unspoken words start talking to me

Some love poems...

Some love poems which I wrote more than 10 years ago..
Maybe I was in love..or maybe in love with love itself..
Forgot the moments..forgot the person...forgot how I used to be then
But the imprints remained...
Nice to go back in time and revisit myself

-------10th Dec 1997----
वो चेहरा जो सिर्फ़ मेरा हो
वो होंठ जो सिर्फ़ मेरे लिए हँसते हों
वो दिन जब सूरज मेरे लिए खिला हो
वो बातें जो सिर्फ़ मुझे पता हो
वो नजर जिसे सिर्फ़ मैं समझ पाऊँ
ये सब कुछ, और भी कुछ
जो सिर्फ़ मेरा हो
प्रभु भेज देना इक दिन इस जमीन पर
---------10th April 1998------------------
जब तुम मुझसे कुछ बातें करते हो, तुम्हारे जाने के बाद यूँ लगता है
जैसे ये बातें पुरानी हैं
ये तुम्हारी बातें मेरे साथ कई सालों से हैं
मैं हमेशा से इन्हें सुनती आई हूँ ...
और फ़िर समय kकाल मुझे हिसाब नहीं रहता
याद नहीं आता की कभी तुम मेरी याद में नहीं
तुम तो शायद हमेशा से मेरे साथ थे
अब मैंने तुम्हें ढूंढ लिया है
तुम मेरे साथ रहो न रहो, मुझे फिक्र नहीं
अब मैं तुम्हें जब चाहूंगी ख़ुद में पा लूंगी
मिल जाना यूँ ही हमेशा
क्योंकि तुम्हारा मिलना ही मुझे मेरा ख़ुद को पाना है
-------------13th Sept 1998---------------------
तुम यूँ ही देखते रहना मुझे
तुम्हारी आँखें आसमानी हैं
ये मुझे आकाश में उड़ने को कहती हैं
ऐसा लगता है मेरे दिल को तुमने भाप बना के उड़ा दिया है
वो ऊपर ही ऊपर उड़ता जाता ही
मेरे पास रहना ही नहीं चाह्ता
पर मुझे पता है
तुम जब चाहो मुझे देखोगे और मेरा दिल सिमट आएगा तुम्हारे पास
तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी धूरी हैं
चाहे जहाँ भी जाऊं मैं , केंद्र तुम ही रहोगे
----------14th Sept 1998-----------------------
Whats there so far away?
I want to touch it
I want to know what it is..
Thats what will take me away..from all the chains of this world
From the durdgery of the days
I lack the knowledge, I am thirsty for something
Is it my own soul..as naked as it was born
Untouched by the lies and deceit...
Or Is that you, shining so bright...in the abyss of my mind?
-------4th Feb 1999----------------------------------
मुझे क्यों मन करता है
तुम्हें अपने बचपन में ले जाना
जब मैं गुडियों से खेलती थी
जब मुझे रोज सपने आते थे
सपने जिनका कोई मायने नहीं होता था
सपने जो मुझे तब छू के जाते थे, जब मैं अपने घर की सीढियों पे बैठती थी
अपने आँगन के चबूतरे पे होती थी
वो सपने जिन्हें मैं खोना नहीं चाहती
मुझे क्यों मन करता है..
अपने हर दर्द को तुम्हें सुनाने का
वो दर्द जो कब के सो गए
वो दर्द जो शायद कभी थे ही नहीं.तुम्हें देखकर मेरे अन्दर वेग से उठते हैं
क्या तुम्हें पता है... मेरे दिल में एक नस है
जो धड़कती है..किसी आहट पे..किसी आवाज पे...किसी महक पे
तुम शायद उन सपनों, उस दर्द को नहीं छू सकते
पर फिर भी ...क्यों दिल करता है तुम्हें सब बताने का?

You deserved the best

Dint you always think.."I deserve the best"
The best school, the best college, the best friends and the best man
But sometimes life doesnt give you the best
Takes away little by little..to tell you..do not be too proud of what you are
Do not squander away what you have

But you did not pay heed..
you thought you have a non repleting treaure of everything
And even when you meet some frogs..your prince would come eventually

But the frogs kept coming, and you kept thinking..
"This is not my end,but just means to achiever the end"
And when there was no light at the end of the tunnel
You tried to make a frog into a prince

That never happened
Frog remained a frog, oblivious of being a frog
And you remanied a princess, with a frog

Now what should you do
Be a frog with a frog..or be a princess and leave the frog
Or the last option is, be a princess and still have the frog..to make you feel like a princess forever !!

Dreams

Dreams are meant..to be told, not to be lived
To be shared with someone
who, you know, will see your dreams in the same form as they exist in your eyes
Who will know the pain and melancholy of moments captured in your heart,
You can see them taking a shape in the other person's eyes
Who will add colours to them, by relating to your unborn dreams
Then you feel as if you lived those dreams, by being with that one person
And sing all the songs unsung
As he knows all the words, even without you telling him

Everything lies within me

I am what it makes this universe
I am the truth and I am the lie
I am the beauty and the ugliness
I am the past and the present..and the future
So let me live..and celebrate the world
By my living..the whole universe lives
you live too...
don't kill the very essence of my being..
cos by doing so..you would kill a part of yourself

My spirits..

My spirits...
dont rise today..
dont fly up,above and over me
don't make me lose my mind..
the little wanderings in my heart...hush and sleep
Cos..
awakening is catastrophic
it makes me lose myself...to the devastating senses
which prevail after the conscience dies
I give in to my madness for life..this thing that ticks inside me day and night
and I regret it..when the madness dies
So my dear spirits...be calm and gentle
make me sedate and wise..
worldy and let me me rise
So,for me to rise..my spirits
you will have to die!