No I will not reminisce today about the year gone by
Cos I dont want to time bound my life into 1st and 31st

I believe life is a an ever flowing stream
With pecks of happiness and tears of sorrow

No I will not talk about the good and the bad of this year
Cos I cant limit my memory to days, months and years

I dont want to think of a year as good or bad

So this day has not much meaning to me
But for the fact that its my brother's birthday



I will remember the house parties we used to host on this day
Dont know in which time and era, all seems so blurred

My mom cooking, my uncles and father having a drink
And this is the day I had my first drink, with them

I will remember the flush and the rush it gave me
And we danced, danced, danced

The whole night...

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.”
                                        - Susan Sarandon in Shall we dance

So I guess I will make this blog my witness.
It will notice things I cant share with people in my life, as I would have liked to...

Sweetest thing

He is wrapped in his own innocence..
every pore smells of sweetness
And when he flails his hands to come to me, I wonder what he wants from me

Those doe's eyes( which some people say are somewhat like mine) , those lips like a bird...which I never tire of kissing..

Do you know how much of love you elicit from me?

I become something so animated and silly in your presence. Every time I think I will hold myself back a little, wont get so engrossed in you..but I see you and the trigger is on..I go all brainless again :)

When my sis gets you to my place, the moment you see me, you give that 2-tooth smile of yours..a smile which can re-define beauty And I guess the word "Adorable" was made just for you!!


Sometimes I want to scold you in jest, just to see that small frown on your face.
But when your smile gets hesitant with my scolding, and when it disappears..my heart breaks for a moment.
I dont like that momentary un-surity in you, when you dont know whether to smile at me or not... Cos I want you never to feel this way in life, when you ever have to curb your smile
Now-a-days you have learnt to scold back, specially your mother, when she shouts at you..and this is how you do it..

making us want to do it again and again..just to make you scold us back

You laughter at my playful antics are so infectious, gurgling out of you..


And baby when you look like this, who can keep their hands off you?














When I see you, my mind cant help but think that men like Hitlers and Saddams of the world must have been so endearing as a kid, what happens to all that innocence when they grow up??

And I just hope that you grow up to be a good man, the sweetest and the best!

Do you remember when we went to Delhi and met your cousin sister? You were a little intimidated by her and whenever I played with her, you would crawl up to me and gaze in my eyes without a word..as to silently tell me that you are a little possessive.. You would not cry, you wouldn't throw a tantrum..but just win me with your disarming smile..and I just had to leave everything and hug you

I hope you grow up and read this post someday, and always know that you were so loved and so sweet..it will remind you of all good things in life and you would always remember all of us, who were part of your growing up

And as you turn 1 today (which is 23rd Dec, sorry that I could not make this post that day as I was waiting to collect best pics from various sources), I clutch you to my heart to ward off the coldness settling there..
And a tiny part of me feels a tinge of envy and wishes that you were completely mine...

Shrehaan..Shreyu..Shrehaanu !

Time will see

Every day I wake up with a thought, that I will do something brilliant today
I will either live a dream, or accomplish something I never did

I wont let go of this day like any other, I will stop it and make it mine
I will make it eventful before it gets a chance to slip by

And here we are, end of the year

December is such a beautiful month, and I always cherish it..but this too seems to be going away..like a blink

Can we just stop time for a while, before we decide what to do with it?

I don't cry in movies these days
Even earlier, it used to be very rare. I can actually count on fingers and the scenes from movies where I had been moved to tears

But these days it just does not happen. I sit with a stoic face when others reach for their handkerchief. I feel as if I am abnormal and can never feel one with the crowd around

But today it happend..I found a drop of tear very unconsciously rolling down my eyes while watching a specific scene from this move..ok dont laugh at me.."Band baaja baraat"

Well, I liked this movie cos I think Anushka Sharma is pretty good..she is one of those very few actresses (in recent times) who manage to carry herself really well

And this scene was so innocuous that I still wonder what made me shed a tear

This scene is the one, after they have made love and she thinks she is kind of in love with the guy but she realises that the guy does not feel the same way about the whole thing and he is a bit guilt-laden.
The way she realises this is also very subtle and real.

But in this particular scene, she is trying to act causal and joke about this whole thing, so that he does not get wrong ideas and is as easy with her as he was before this incident

She is being her usual self but her face seemed so vulnerable, how starkly the love and hurt shows on her face, how she tries to camouflage it with nonchalance..
She braves the tussle in her own heart, while the guy takes it for real and brushes it aside happily and is guilt-free

All this was very sad and for that one moment I felt one with her..for some strange reason!

To my fellow bloggers

I love reading blogs..
of people - real life people..with real feelings

I kind of form images of them in my mind, each blog has a different feel to it

Some seem strong, some mushy, some very intelligent and for some I keep changing my views..its strange how without even as much as speaking or chatting with them I have formed such different notions of many of them :)

What I see from most of these blogs is that people fear change,all of us.
But change is what all of us go thru

Show me a person who feels the same way as s/he felt much younger

Everyone talks of a bygone era in their lifetime
Everyone craves for a moment which was lived before

And I love such people
Cos they are the real people I can connect to, mentally

People who are vulnerable to their needs and desire
People who acknowledge they are weak


Albeit those who act like the know-all
As if they are the ones who know all about love and suffering
And we need to learn from them

They forget there is life beyond them

And I am also little averse to blogs which speak too much of happiness and hope
Too much of happiness nauseates me!

Yes I love darkness and its nuances
I love black and people who talk of it

But what amazes me is the tender age of these people and the maturity with which they write
I mean..I see blogs of 22-23 year old and feel as if what they have gone through and written about , I experienced so much later

when I was 21-22, I was such a kid..I was still considered as one amongst the kid gang at home
The gang which ate before the elders...the gang which wasn't supposed to eavesdrop on elders conversations..the gang which was supposed to sleep off on summer afternoons without fail

And at that age I was still someone who was trying to be acknowledged as an elder

Love,loss and its likes were a far cry
I just knew I had to have a job and a career and the rest will follow
which it did..and how!

Some blogs are a little too much for the puritan in me.T
They are these wanna-be's who cry for attention
These blogs talk of things like...I cant even write them here
Some of them have their titles as certain female organs

I mean, what happened to femininity? Of the mysteries of a woman? How can you write everything related to your extremely personal stuff on the blog

I mean, are you not happening or cool if you dont write about s%^$ and f&** and related stuff?Cant you write of something more beautiful, or finer things in life?

I know people might find me being judgmental here, but then all of us tend to be..knowingly or unknowingly

Another set of bloggers I have found are the preachers, they have these tips on how to live, love and forgive.
I go there just have a little laugh, cos life cant be taught in words, it has to be lived

Then there are some bloggers who have music added on their home page!!
Gawd!! The first time it happened to me, I went mad trying to figure out whats happening to my system
I reached that blog and there was this beautiful music, and it started flowing out in full volume
I was at work , embarrassed to the core!
It is so damn disturbing..why do people do that??

There are some special category of bloggers which lash at other fellow bloggers..and these are the ones I dislike the most
These blogs have such negative energies that I prefer to stay away from such blogs

There are actually 2 specific bloggers I have in mind when I am writing this.They redicule other bloggers, while they write of the same stuff themselves.
They write, what they mock at!!

Though I really like the way they write,and loved a few posts by them..but their negative approach towards others,has put me off so much that I have decided not to visit their blogs anymore

And there are some stalkers as bloggers, who have made their blogs just to be either be read by somone specific of the other sex, or to comment on that blogger. Its really shameful how people can use internet to jeopardise someone's privacy and space

I think blogging has made people from different regions come closer, share thoughts, give vent to any shit happening in their lives (which is ok by me, though some say that such bloggers are narcisstics.But I feel that blogging is a personal space in a public arena which need not necessarily have to be a piece of art or talk of politics and any general knowledge stuff)

People, please spare blogworld from hatered,jealousy and any personal misgivings.Let this be a place where people feel free to write what they want. Dont judge people by what they write..just let them be..and let them have a good time, while you have yours!

Connections of affection

Sometimes a joke is lost when told to some people who dont get it!
And sometimes narrating anything close to heart is wasted, when done with undeserving ones

Yesterday I was telling something funny , which my niece said a few days back, to a friend and her reaction was so sublime, that I realised I cant expect others to feel for things the way I feel.
It irritated me that I wasted it on someone who could not relate to it.

I know I cant make such people see something funny in any incident, which only few like me would realise...
Its such a disappointment at those times and in those moments I feel friendless and lonely..cos I cant be a friend if you dont get me!
I feel uprooted..I dont know how to explain it

And in such moments I miss you..

I remember how I used to tell you smallest possible things about my niece, and how you used to come up with new names for her..
"Two quarters" for "Addu" (As in aadha or half)..still makes me smile

And in one such instance you said "You knwo what R, I dont know if your niece is all this cute or not, but I love the way you enact her..am sure you are cuter than her"

I used to brush you off with a smile and say "you are being stupid..she is so much cuter"..But I knew in my heart that this was one of the ways which made me feel connected to you
You used to get me as noone else ever did!

You made me feel I can have roots too..and stand on a firm ground, which can shatter only in my mind

And so many times I would call her by your name, and you by her..

Affection sure has many ways of showing itself

Heart is a lonely hunter

To know what loneliness does to you
You need to take your heart out of your body
To see
Where it has scraped off from
Where it has become pulpy and giving way
Where it has hardened
And where it is learning new ways
To feel
If it has gone hollow in some corners, filled by darkness
And if it has parts, which still beats in the old familiar way
To know
If it has any colours, or has it become sepia-toned?
Just like your days...

You will find yourself wondering..
What will your heart take
To become whole again
To become like that of a sixteen year old
Who never realised heart is such a vulnerable thing
Who, revelled in the rare moments of solitude
And wished to be lonely forever!

I like to play it by the rules of mediocrity
...As admiration goes to my head!

6th Dec

Birthdays are meant to be special
If not for anyone, then just for you

And even if its not perfect, we can always recount the good things that happened:
   

Compliments(I thrive on them)

Midnight cake cutting(though I was my crankiest best that time)

Pretty clothes and accesories gifted

Nice dinner at a nice place(though some goof up happened here as we went to a place where I really wanted to go but they dint allow my sweetheart since he is a little young for such places :) )

An email from a long-forgotten someone, which brought a smile to the lips, but nothing to the heart

This number 6 is close to my heart
And I will hold it dear to me
Till the fizz lasts

Moving back in time

Udate pairon ke tale jab behti hai jameen
Mud ke hamne koi manjil dekhi hi nahin..

She finds coming back to any erstwhile trodden path very difficult
Its difficult to move bakwards, isnt it?

If her bus drops her at a stop before her destination, she does not mind walking a distance of a kilometer to reach her place.
But if the bus drops at a stop, which is after her destination, walking a distance of 100 meters back to the place she meant to go, seems like a herculean task

How can you come back to something which you left?

Anything cant be re-lived or re-born..whats gone is gone..

She believes that you can not fall in love again, if the love disappears even once..
And you can not be friends with someone who has done something to make you question friendship

Life can not be lived in retrospection!

My close ones say I am short tempered.
But I say, isn't the whole world short tempered?

I mean, temper is supposed to be short, isnt it?
How can there be a long-temper?

But WOW..how I conceal it at work! Am god-damn good at it!

Just the other day someone told me "You can be a good people's person as you seem to be cool, relaxed and tension-free all the time. You can manage different kinds of people, cos of your calmness"

It made me so smug (I think we feel smug only when someone points something about us which is just not true, or is our weak point :)).

And I had this funny feeling that the world in general does not have an iota of idea of who you actually are!

Poor fat people

I dont know why sometimes people tend to glorify everything which is less than the best!

It enrages me at times and at times just makes me sad to think everything good or better than others is sometimes doomed and the mediocrity takes supremacy
Just cos you have earned more in life and are able to lead a better life than others, makes you a worse person?
Just cos you can wear pretty clothes and carry yourself well, makes you inferior to uglier women?

Just cos you are slim and you covet it, makes you vain and less human than the fatter versions, who dont care about their bodies(actually they do, but its easier to not care, so they make it sound interesting)

I hate it when people say :- "I live so I eat without thinking!"
And thats what they call living? Eating and becoming obese?

And am sure they would die to have a svelte figure, but just cos they cant or they dont have the resolve, they tend to ridicule people who are so

If I am blessed with a slimness which is coveted by many, and if I like it much to take care of it..does it make me a pompous or brainless person?
If I cut down on junk and oil, and prefer healthier food, I think I am doing a more intelligent thing than you, who is gorging on cheese pizza!

And then, there are people who relate love and compassion to poverty.
Its like this - if you are poor, you have the copyright on love.
The more affluent people have no clue of what love is, supposedly!
Its ridiculous the way people combine 2 totally unrelated things into one

Well, I am not so poor and I am not at all fat.

But I know how much I can love, and I thank heavens for not making me fat(I guess this is genetic so I got to thank God for this) so that I respect better things in life and try to adhere to healthy diet which will help me in the long run

So the next time someone sneers at me eating sprouts and avoiding sugar, I am gonna turn back and tell them "I am better off being not as fat and ugly as you"

And if I read something which talks of how only poor can love or how rich dont lead their lives as they want to, I can tell them that their poor love is as poor as a rich's love (Please dont mistake me for a rich person. I just hate such notions thats all)

I know for a fact that they will give anything to be in the shoes of slim/rich people

And yes, I CAN be such a bitch at times, if the situation demands!