Yet to be mine

I never seem to call Bangalore as my own, though I have been living here for more than 7 years now
Don't know why this place or its people never make me feel like its home..
Maybe I am looking for some salvation, some sort of redemption from this place

Strangely my 3 and a half years in Hyderabad are closer to my heart..and I felt alive in that city
It could have been cos I was fresh out of college and with my new job..new friends..
Could be cos it reminds me of a taste of life which was so new to me then

I loved the ten downing streets, Ramada, Passport, Vice roy(This is now converted into Marriott)...
That beautifully lit city which was refelcted in hussain sagar..and the necklace road wounded around it

They have my smiles, my fragrance , my innocence ..
Even my house there, it has my memories..friends I loved and lost

Though Bangalore has given me much more than Hyd..

A better job, my own house amongst many other things...still I seem to be looking for something..something I have not found here...a feeling of oneness..a feeling of belonging

Though I had a fantastic time in my first 1.5 years in Bangalore, but I attribute it more to the compnay of my sis, niece and a friend who had become an integral part of my life..Bangalore looked be-dazzled back then..MG road, brigade and the barista were my home, I walked around like mad, just driven by conversations and laughter..this place had a shine and a vibration which went with those people



Read somewhere that the city you live in, invents a part of you which you had never known..and if you love that part, the city becomes a part of you too

I have yet to know what Bangalore invented in me

I have always believed one should have only those things in life which one owns 100%..be it appreciation for a job well done, or any thing you buy for yourself...

Anything half owned, gifted ..dont hold much value to me

So I guess till I own Bangalore, or it owns me..I will keep looking for my salvation

Vassal-love

"I felt sudden rush of affection for him.An affection which seemed to proceed from and depend upon the in-equalities between us. It was vassal-love, one of the strongest and most mysterious human emotions."
                                                                                                     - Shantaram

I read this and I said "Yes yes yes!", I know that kind of love!
I understand it oh so truly and completely!

I have always tried giving proper words to this emotion and here it is "vassal-love"!
And somehow I feel all love/affection have under-currents of this in it..all!

And please note, its "inequality" and not "difference". We all know differences attract us to each other, but this inequality, which he talks about here, is something different

And many a times its this love, which springs cos one loves what one lacks in oneself.

If you are a timid person, you get drawn to assertive ones..if you are unstable and impulsive you fall for the stability that another seems to provide..if you are classy and prudent, sometimes the uncouthness in someone draws you, cos you dont seem to afford it

And since I understand it, I feel its my analysing skills which sometimes stop me from falling in love with all my heart.
Cos I always seem to understand where it is coming from..and I come to a conclusion that it might not be love..and avoid.

Apart from that, I am totally besotted by this book right now. Its a masterpiece, and I am getting to know so much about my own country from a foreigner, specially the famous slums of Bombay, the mafia world et al..

A good book is such an addiction and occupation..I never turn over pages cos it does not get boring even for a second and I have already read more than 400 pages till now

I have been scrambling to get some facts about this book. It seems like an auto-biography, but all incidents and characters might not be real.

I searched google, you tube...but nothing says if all of it has actually happened.

And how I have bene hoping that the female Karla is for real..it would be such a disappointment if she was not to be...I would love to see what she looked like.

And this is the famous Leopold cafe and bar in Mumbai, which the author keeps talking about in thenovel and creats such a vivid images of this place which had a mystique, a business , a purpose..

Fire-crackers

I read it in some book that we love the fire-crackers so much cos its brilliance lasts for just few seconds

Since we know its going to die soon, we love it with all our heart, for those few seconds..as it gives its all to that moment

Anything which promises permanance, is never loved with that fervor!

Sad and true!

Stalkers

Stalking reaches a new level when the stalker wants you to know s/he is stalking you.

And it has been happening with me for quite some time and I have decided to put an end to it, dont know if I will be successful.

There is this person who has been stalking me for years, and I have yet to find a more shameless and hedious person in my life.

I think being a loser, his only plan is to claim himself and in the process of doing this he has lost the sense of right/wrong, in such a way that makes it so scary.

Cos, he has tried it hard to justify his acts, and being educated he can write volumes on whatever he is doing is so very right, and something out of the world.

He has gloried his obsession and un-concern for others in his mind and I have been a vicitm to such purges from his pen, when he writes un-solicitous comments on my blog, every now and then

And now this person has started writing comments on people whose blogs I visit and comment on!!!
Can this get more disgusting?

Well whether he believes or not, I never read them.(And knowing him I am sure he would think I am bluffing and do read them :) )

For one, they are so boring..and lengthy..and talk of the same stuff
Of acting heroic about how things dont affect him and how he has changed...

This need in him to write SO much about how he has evolved ..and post it eveyrwhere in the world, goes to say how screwed he is and how much of acknowledgement and conset he seeks from the world, from me..

I see his name and I just scroll down cos I know reading a word of it will get me so annoyed that I might write to those people,whose blogs he comments on, to block him (We all have this stupid child in us which wants things their way :))

The last straw was today when for the umpteenth time he commented on my blog.
I have no clue how to ignore his comments.

I marked it as "Spam" today so hopefully it wont come to my main comment section, and I can easily avoid it.
And I also saw his comment on someone's blog I visit regularly, which got to me!

This person has no concept of respecting others privacy, of concern for peace of mind, of conscience!

And all this irk me more, cos he has done it 100 times, and justified it
And also cos I have been very laid back about it and he has misused it.
And nothing in the world enrages me than being taken for granted and anyone imposing himself on me..in whatever way

So for now I hope this spam thing works(unless he creates another id and starts commenting, which he has done in the past.)

And if it does not, I will stop writing on this blog. But I will start another anonymous blog, cos I cant do without writing and I cant do without interacting with people I like to read, so I will send them the link, in case I do start a new blog.

This feeling right now

Today for some reason I was reminded of those days
When I used to get drunk a little beyond control
And then message people whom I should not have..
Then regret it big time the next day

But then it had some charm..a delicious nagging feeling
Of doing something which I always wanted to do..but never dared to do it in my senses
Of feeling vulnerable and open to hurt and wound
Of drama and disaster..of life and listlessness

And all this leaving an exiquisite dull ache in my heart...

Of jasmine and lavender and a musk smell..which hung to my palms

Pure women

I usually dont watch soaps, but after staying with Ma for a month and having these soaps run in the house for most hours of our time together, it just becomes a habit to have them on, while I am sitting on the laptop or reading something

And on one such night, I heard this line from a serial ( I dont even want to name that serial to give it any extra footage or importance than it deserves)

-- "Though we were married for a year, my wife is still as pure as she was before marriage"

And I wanted to smash someones head!!

I had these 3 questions running in my mind:

1. How the hell 2 people in love and being married for 1.5 years, stay without touching each other. And just what the heck are they trying to prove by this?? Is it that act of love making makes their feelings for each other less beautiful?

2. So the purity of a woman is determined by her virginity? Whatever happened to purtiy of mind? Purity of heart? Then why have a word like "Pure" in the english vocabulory? One can just replace it with "virgin"!

3. If a woman sleeps with her husband, she becomes impure? Its like this one step and you are no more pure?

Come on..!!!!

I believe such serials and the their makers should be banned from tv.

They are the ones who try and spoil the gullible minds of ordinay Indians.
By giving them the wrong notion that a woman's worth and purity has certain idiotic barometers.
Some of us might have come a long way from there and cant get affected by this, but these serials might move some of us who are already prone to such baseless values.

Everytime I feel I might lose my loneliness
I might have company of someone, whom I can like

There is this sadness which lurks inside me
Of losing the beauty of loneliness

There is certain glamour and romance in being lonely
which captivates me and makes me fall in love with myself

And losing it..might drive me away from myself

Presenting Malvika

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HehklYw57N8

That's my younger sister.

A fab singer (though not as well known) and she sung the radio ad for Nescafe a few days back, which has been playing on kannada radio channels.

She sung in Kannad, without knowing or understanding a word of it :)

She actually sings in Tamil/Bengali/Assamese but does not know these languages (except bong a bit)

Isn't that so much like Shreya Ghoshal :)

Knowing her

She can not make small talk with women
She does not know of things they talk of
The recipe...the mother-in-laws..the kids..
It does not interest her

But she knows
She can enthrall anyone, who is her kind
She can dance like no other woman can
Given a stage..where she is the goddess

she hates it when people say "take care"
She wonders why people even bother to say such cliched things
She never learnt to say such words

She cant differentiate between mild flirting and immense liking
If she thinks someone is capable to be flirted with,
Then this someone is the one she could truly like, for whatever time that is

She does not believe in being friends with anyone
she does not believe in friendship..with anyone
This whole charade of friendship puts her off!

She loves the word "promisicuous"..it has a ring to it
A charm and a tantalizing effect

She expects the world from people..
she wants magic to happen..
she wants people to cancel their important meetings..miss their flights to be with her..
She wants them to do something out of their character..

But on the face of it...she lets it all go..till these expectations sit like a big weight on her head

All she can do, when she feels an overwhelming emotion is
Downcast her eyes and fight to control her tears

Or sometimes just give an awkward hug
hung somewhere..never culminating in a true hug

And she does not believe in loving anyone anymore
Love is just her whim

Its a platter which she can decorate with the person she feels like..