मैं सारी रात कतिया कतिया करूँ

मुझे मत उटकेरो
बहुत जतन से बुना है मैंने खुदको
एक नहीं, कई बार..

मत उधेड़ो मुझे,
 सिर्फ  अपनी तन्हाइयों को मेरे  रेशों  से भरने के लिए
 बड़ी मुश्किल से दिल  और दिमाग के तारों को सुलझती हूँ मैं ,
 एक दिन नहीं , रोज़.…

रात चिंताओं को बुनती हूँ
सुबह अधूरे ख्वाब
ख्वाब से ख्वाब का सफर
तय करती हूँ रोज

ख़ुशी निचोड़ना चाहती हूँ
अपने हर पल से
बेधड़क हँस के , बेमानी लतीफों पे

बहुत ज़्यादा मांगा था कभी ज़िन्दगी से
अभी सिर्फ इतना ही मांगती हूँ

My moments

I went to pick up Aaru from school the other day. I usually don't go, his nanny mostly picks and drops him.

Each time I go, I wait to see him like a lover waiting for a message from a beloved.

And the moment I see him!! If I say he is the dollop of light which falls in my world each time I see him, it wont be an over-the-top statement

Each time, that moment stands out. His gaze falls on me, and his whole face and body lights up. His body language changes to that of a loved, brat-ish little boy, who knows he is my hero. We both rush to each other.

Its so strange that in that moment, I don't see who brought him to me, I don't acknowledge if anyone is smiling at me, or trying to talk to me. Its just me and him, gleeful in each others presence(just like they show in movies that the whole world is a haze and you only see the one you want to see)

And this happens e.v.e.ry.t.i.m.e I go to his school. My Aha moment.

Isn't this what love is all about or supposed to be? Love means each time you see that person, even if if you stay with him/her, just a brief 2 hours of separation and you are again new to each other. The novelty of seeing each other never fading.

I have found that love in my child.

On another note: I was telling his teachers that he has been extremely cranky off late cos of introducing a new protocol of medicines. Been crying a lot for no reason, so in case this happened with them then they need not be alarmed.

Both his teachers looked at each other and said "Araadhya crying? We have never seen him cry even once! He even fell down and hurt his nose, he just made a sound but no tears! He gets angry and sometimes throws things but never cries."

And I said to myself "after all he is my son" and many men in my life had this issue with me that I never cried, that I was hard-hearted or something? I only cried alone, if I had to. And Aaru cries only when I am around, the one person he is safest with. (Though now after Aaru, I cry easily, as if something broke inside me which I held onto for years)

The first time someone said that to me (that he would like to see me cry just once) , I was reminded of this song by Enrique Iglesias "I dont know why , I dont know why, I love to see you cry"

Saturday nights

Saturday nights..some nights when I used to think
"the world is still mine to claim"

Those lonely bus rides to some arbitrary mall..
listening to songs on head phone of some music shop..weird songs
Songs I never heard thereafter

Settling down in some dhaba..feeling like a queen among minions
Is that how it feels when the world seems just a part of you..just a speck
And you feel bigger than the world

Its been a while since I did any of that..a while when I stepped out to enjoy rain and the shiny lights of the city
A while when I was me

Sum of it all

It does not go

Whatever I say and whatever I do

This feeling does not go..and sometimes feigning that its gone...hurts and tires me more
So I would let it be

And cry..and break in my solitude..I dont have to keep myself strong always

I remember that day of knowing the diagnosis
It was not told to me right away that his blood has been sent for sampling for down syndrome, all around me knew it(Now I thank God that they hid it, cos my initial days were anyways gloomy. I was scared of so many things that if I had known this, I would not have been able to survive nor would Aaru)

It was 18th August, 2014, I walked into pediatrician's room for general check up and some vaccination. Aaru cried a bit and so did I(can not explain how tears flew down my cheeks when he cried for a vaccine injection, I was never such a soft person) and then doc said all looks well but I have not yer got reports for THAT blood test

I had heard it a couple of times by then, he kept mentioning in our earlier visits but I never paidn attention as husband never paid.
But this time I asked "But what is THAT report?"
He said "For down syndrome"

I froze

And my gut knew its true. I have no idea but the moment he said it, I knew..till then I had not double guessed anything could be wrong..but that minute I knew

Yet I started cross questioning him, as if my cross questioning would make it go away.."why would you think so"
He says " Siemen line on his palm, sandle gap in his toes, slanting eyes"
I kept staring at Aaru, but I could hear pieces of me falling around

Yet no tears, nothing outrageous
I asked where I could get the reports, he said downstairs

Husband has been avoiding it all the time. Each time the doc raised question about the report I would ask him later what that report was and he would say must be ECHO etc etc, but all those were clear long back so I have no idea why he dint even want to check the report?He could have not told me yet got to know the report.

Maybe he wanted to get out of India before the catastrophe fell and dint have to deal with a mad and sorrowful woman and list of activities which ensued once we knew the diagnosis

We went down to get the report, my heart in pieces while husband was being comical, not appreciated in anyway by me

I grabbed and opened and read "Positive", it was the fish report
No tears, nothing.

We came up and the doc very stoically said "So its positive, but the report which would make it 100% would come through karyotyping which was supposed to take another week".
I had no doubt that my baby had down syndrome, yet the husband kept asking some inane questions and I could not meet the eyes of my 18 days old son. I could not gather the courage to look at him. I dont know why I felt I had wronged him.

Husband got engaged in some birth certificate etc while I sat there, my baby wrapped in a yellow wrap sleeping beautifully. I looked at all the babies around and felt strange tinge of pain, lonelieness, envy...yet my love for this boy was not in question.

I asked husband to stop all the talking and rush home, I could not bear to be in that hospital another moment...I needed my mom, my home, my comfort.
While in car, I held Aaaru and silently cried looking out of the window. No way could I show my tears to anyone, not even husband, Cos he really seemed very detached and being with him made me feel lonelier. He sensed I was crying and all he did was patted my arms twice.

In all these years of my existence that was the first time I recall I wanted to break, just let go. And I wanted him to understand that and hold me and be broken himself. I dint want his strength , I wanted someone to feel the pain in exact measures as I felt, a party to my shattering soul, a companion in my misery. And I wanted that person to be just him, noone else. Cos he was the father , an equal in our love for Aaru
But not a squeak from him!

We reached home, the message had been sent to my sis and she was coming over. Mom dint know but she saw my face and guessed and I told her in plain words.

Husband went into the other room and I left Aaru with ma, I really wanted to know what he felt, what was our plan, wanted him to tell me it will be alright that our son will still be the best thing to have happened to us.
I went to the other room to check whats keeping him busy, he was on his laptop, I eagerly asked him what was he up-to hoping he would tell me he is gathering some information on how to deal with this all. But he said I have to submit this timesheet as its Friday!
And that moment I knew, this will be my fight..all alone..and without a word I came back to my room

The days and months after that were a haze of research, night outs, buying toys to stimulate his brain, finding which therapies he can go to, what tests to be done, all this with no help from doctors or anyone else

It hasnt been easy to say the least but I have loved every moment of it, of finding  my way through the mess.

Every single thing I learn I try it on him, new supplement, new therapy and see him change and evolve with it

We are growing each day, each minute..Aaru and I..Aaru in all his loveliness and I basking in his glory!

But some days, the memory of pain hovers over me, wringing everything inside out

Marriage...yet again

Marriage can be an enriching or a debilitating experience

Before you realize what it is..it gets too late
Then you are left trying to find a balance between the 2 extremes

But that can never be done..not a possibility for a human with passions

If you have passion for yourself, you would find the debilitating in something which is not enriching
You would find disaster in something which is stereotypical
You would find doom in something which is moderately OK

Who is to be blamed, what is to be done?

Fighter

There is this serial I used to watch "Revenge" on star plus
Its the story of a woman whose father was falsely executed and died, when she was very small and she grows up to fight with the very powerful people who were responsible for that.

Though a far fetched story yet riveting and there were few scenes and dialogues which made it worth a watch. I specially liked the  protagonist , she carried the role to perfection

In that the father later comes back, he was not dead but for 18 years he faked his death and was in the hiding.

Towards the end there is a scene where father finds out he has terminal cancer and tells the daughter.

She is heart broken but keeps giving solutions or ways to fight it, she says we can do dialysis, chemo, hormone therapy, we can go to the best of the best..this will not last..you will survive

While the father knows its the end

But he just looks at her, she has tears flowing yet acting strong and suggesting remedies, and he says "Where did you learn to fight so much?"

On that dialogue somewhere something stung in me, it was as if he was talking to me, it was as if all these months of my struggle I wanted someone to say that to me...
All those months post diagnosis of my son's down syndrome, I hardly cried in front of anyone

I used that energy to read, read, read..search ..google..there has to be a way
There has to be a way to get my son out of this...to give him what he needs..to make him functional

I had so many fears..which Aaru is proving wrong one by one..and I am so so glad

But those nights till 1 Am, I spent checking on the net, and I still do...that has become the center of my life

And in all this I was very alone, not alone in terms of people around me, but absolutely no idea or help..I have always been the kind who hardly shared the worst of worst in her life with anyone..till things got really really ugly..I always felt I could fight it on my own

And amidst all this, I never knew I wanted a single soul to tell me..where did you learn to fight so much!

Epiphany

There are bits and pieces of us, scattered around in those places and people where our are hearts have found something new, exciting, enriching

when we revisit those places, we revisit ourselves, , we revert a little to the old, feel a little more than usual that we felt off-late

As we try assimilating all that we were..that assimilation gives a little high..to know ourselves as we used to be..to realize there is a faint chance of us getting back to that

But all we do is go in circles around a mass of colossal sadness, making every memory of ourselves ..solidifying that what has been will never again will be

Yet, I hear an old song..and sometimes in midst of all the chaos..I find myself anewed

Unsung deires

There are desires meshed in the pores of her being
And sometimes they come on the surface
Making her glow, they perspire out of her

It's fragrance reaches the one it's meant to

The beauty of her desire was..
that it was flimsy
Like giggles of teenaged girls
Hidden and muffled

She waits, for something within her to be negated
She waits for something to be asserted

There are parts of her
Unknown and unheard

She wanted to explore something
Doesn't remember what
Something of the outside or within..?
Those memories come back when she sees
A stony

She wants to know what else can she be
Away and apart from what she has become

she waits the fire in her to blow out, or to burn her
she is forever waiting, for her calling

she wants to drown all of it, or be drowned in it
there is no midway, it cant be that for her
not her...

This day, I, a woman, wants to vent

Its women's day. And I know all the charade that will be played on this day all over. On FB many status messages would reek of this.
And I know some of the men closely, whose respect for women stops at role play, yet they would wish and stand right in front of the world, without an ounce of idea as to what the word "respect" signifies.

I have 100s of questions and my own answers for this discrimination, yet I am baffled, hurt, angry and sometimes edging on obsession to set it all right. This post is all about my tussle, various reasons I keep giving myself, you might find it stupid, far fetched, childish sometimes..but then these are questions noone can ever justify to me.

When I was younger in my teens I always wondered why the world looks so different for different species? For a man, the whole world, all the streets and corners, looked like their home. They could pee anywhere, they could be heard with a guffaw at every nook and corner. Eating paan, smoking cigarette, leching at a girl, passing comments..shamelessly, unabashedly without restraint

And then there are girls, trying to be civil, like guests in a foreign place, showing their manners, covering themselves up, holding their thoughts, scared of men around every nook and corner before they reach their actual home..

It always baffled and irked me. As I was a direct victim of this, being in a state and city which is infamous for such eve teasing, I had to change my lanes just to avoid some goons who would make it a point to be there at certain times when I crossed that road, and scare the shit out of me.

I dont know if I was born of feminist, its in my genes or its my sun sign (Sagittarius) which cries for equality, cried against any form of injustice(even the subtlest forms which goes unnoticed by many).

We were brought with neutral values, being a family of 3 daughters and 1 son. Be it education, household work, outside work, I never knew what it was to be a girl, cos there was no demarcation in anyway.

Me and my elder sister were encouraged to study science much more than my younger sister and brother cos we had better acumen I guess. My father felt very proud of our little achievements in studies, professional field as he would have for a son. All his aspirations lay on us, and we fulfilled in whatever ways we could. Being a girl never stopped us from anything. We would be out till late for our dance performances, my mom would never let us do any household chores(even if the maid dint come she would do utensils and our clothes but would insist on us not doing a thing apart from our studies and dance classes).

To begin with, none of us, be it we sisters or brother, carry our father's surname. We all have different surnames which has some literal meaning. It doesn't define our father's caste, any race or any village/country name. Its just a pretty second name,defining just US. (Once in our dance class, my father was addressed as Mr.Nirajan, Nirajan being my surname not his :))

Its not like I was born in a family where this was a practice. Even though there was equality on the face of it, there were subtle things which always baffled me. Like, why was my mom all the time in the kitchen while my father enjoyed his time outside of it? My mom would sometimes ask me to get something for my father, like serve him breakfast, water etc. and I would ask her "Can he not do it himself?" To that she would say "Achcha nahin lagta ki papa karen" (Does not look nice if your father has to do it)
And I would fight with her asking " You are the one who cooks, yet you do not expect to be servd, but Papa does not do a thing in the house then how come it looks bad to ask him to do his stuff?"
To that Ma would act exasperated and say "You always argue and never understand"

And I wanted to scream that I dint understand nor would I ever want to!

All this while, the man(Father) would be enjoying his lunch outside oblivious to the fights we women were having in the kitchen

Men expect a woman to be in a certain way, before she can be deemed as woman, to give her due. If she chooses to be different, if she is self sufficient, and expects to be treated like one, she does not qualify to be treated with respect, care and concern.

There are too many ways to show a woman , that you are less!

To begin with, why should a woman change her surname when she marries? why is it that her identity has to mingle and be over powered by her husband's? If she escapes that, then its the child's turn, to adorn his name with his father's surname.
The child, whom she bears in her womb for 9 months, bears the pain of child birth, is the one to feed and nurture the kid, has to give her husband's name as child's surname?

And if a woman wants to just stand against it all, to just say that she wouldn't change her surname nor will the child bear father's surname(not even hers, though logically and physically child should) but a new surname which does not reek of caste/creed, why is she treated like an outcast?

And I can go ahead and say that all this is something which even my own family will not stand upto. I know my sisters are OK with having their husbands surname getting attached to their children, probably they even feel a sense of pride. I recall having fights with my younger sis whose in-law's place and our place are in the same city. She would make it a point to go there first whenever she visited the city and spend more time there, before coming to our place. My father never liked it, like usual fathers would. Probably he was not a typical father with us. (I recall many of my friends saying how I could talk to my father on many subjects I could..like love,life, and other such disasters , where for them father meant discipline and nothing else. They were so scared of their fathers!)

And I used to swear that I would never do such a thing. If we marry we make a pledge to each other to be friends. Noone has an upper hand, noone's family weighs above another. Then why should a girl entertain guy's side by staying there, where a guy who deigns to stay at his wife's place is considered a sissy? Why is it that a man doing something like cooking once in a while is seen as greatness and for a woman its her job?

Why should a woman shift to a man's house after marriage,why is it that the so called ancestral lineage belongs to a man and a woman is just someone who fulfills it by bearing his child and giving it his name? Somewhere or the other a woman does give up to some of these notions and bends her ways, and I had always sworn never to do that. As I thought there is no rightful thing which allows that. Just why, why and more whys have surrounded me all through my childhood, adolescence and youth

Why should a woman be even an ounce less than a man? Many would say that if a man helps you a bit in kitchen or lets you work then you are blessed and you have hit a jackpot! But I say NO, cos for me it has to be as equal as an equilibrium or its NOTHING!

While I was writing the above paragraph I am reminded of a line from one of my fav songs - लेना  देना  नहीं  दुनिया  से मुझे बस तुझसे काम है ,यारा तेरे मेरे खर्चे में दोनों का ही एक दाम है...जहेनसीब  तुझे  चाहूँ  बेतहाशा .... (I dont have to do anything with the world, Beloved in our expenditure both of us have the same value)

I think basis of all this difference stemmed from 2 facts, physical strength of men above women and the biological clock. Those are the only things which separates their capabilities. So based on that, society decided on this:
"Man you are the provider, and woman you are the nurturer. Women dont have the capacity to earn, so the one who can earn has the privilege of deciding who goes where, whose name who bears, whose identity goes for a180 degree shift.
Since men are capable of having a child even in their 50s and that equation for a woman changes drastically, so a man would always hunt and a woman would die to settler after mid 30s. It has nothing to do with charm, wit and personality of an individual. Any woman who dares to differ, hopes to be equal will be laughed at....PERIOD!"

Those who claim to be modern and forward thinking, even there the differences show up, in subtle ways but strong enough for me to sense it. And my closes family is also not a far cry from that.
Cos even with my family, I have heard from my own sisters at times that I am trying to be "unconventional".

I dont know what is it that made me into who I am, but every thing that I have felt about being a woman is my very own, not based on what "feminism" means nor "trying to" be something.  Maybe its my sun sing which cries for equality or maybe its something ingrained in me, nothing to do with where I was born or what I learnt from my surroundings.

My elder sis who was good in studies and did MBA, is happy to leave it all to settle down with 2 kids. She can happily flaunt a LOUI VUITTON bag which she has bought with her husband's money and I simply can't. My only pride is in MY VERY OWN capability to achieve something, buy something, be of use to my parent's with my money. Every atom of my being rejects this notion, so if my idea of happiness is based on some values I built for myself, and it does not match most, does it become wrong? I never stopped to think if it is!

These so called "culture" vultures are spread all around, like virus. You can see it in so many serials, big houses claiming of spick-and-span culture where women stand around men in the house, while men sit and chat and women are serving tea and snacks. Thats what they project as great indian culture and every household should be a replica of that. Even if wives are earning well, are political leaders, but their actual and real values lie in handling the household, thats thier DUTY. You might be an accomplished woman, but at the same time you are the one staying with inlaws and attending to their needs. If such things are shown as part of culture, then what is it suppoed to mean? That men have superiorty and they are the ones whose family needs to be taken care of, so if parents have only daughters, god knows who would take care of them.Such things only corrupt minds further. Injecting imbecile ideas, and making them as mark of something good, defining something "cultured". Any woman who rejects such ideas, becomes a vamp!

And thats why in the movies we see 50 year olds like Samlan and SHuah rukh wooing 20 somethings like Deepika and Priyanka.
 
Hmm..so maybe...this whole logic is probably based on the belief that men are meant for something bigger and better than what women can achieve? ! And women are just aids in letting men do that, while being by their side in various forms..wife, mother..yet never achieving the glory.
The world could have worked if only ACTUALLY women were a lesser lot. Then they could have done with relegating into background. But unfortunately there are brilliant women, in terms of intelligence, work culture, dedication and sense of responsibility. And if you are good, you cant do with what others dish out the role for you!

So why is it that you are a single woman of a certain age(crossing market defined marriageable age), earning well enough to own a house, buy things that you like, fending for yourself as well as sending money home for your parents, occasionally going for vaccations you dreamt of (on your own expense maybe not staying in 5 stars but happy with whatever you can manage with your own money)..still your biological clock makes your parents(and sometimes even you) fear loneliness lying ahead. The only respite is marriage in our society. And then comes along someone who might be earning 6 times that you do, and expectation is that you have to leave all that you built for yourself to move to a place and with someone you have hardly known. You have strived for many things and all that becomes negliglbe just cos you are a woman and things change only for you? And you like an idiot trade your financial indepdnence, your moments of glory, your space for the unknown. Just cos marriage is the ultimate goal of every woman's life! Thats how society eats away your real personality.

I  know this post is as fragmented as my scattered brain and thought process these days.

Yet in-spite of all the set backs, disillusions, lying low, losing passion..I believe there is still that something sparkling  deep inside me, my womanhood, my beauty...which will outshine the darkness..nothing will ever malign it, not even my own self or my fluctuating confidence.

Sauve?!

Once you scrape the layers of these polished men
You can clearly see the most base of human
The finesse they so strongly project, was a pathetic attempt to shield the nastiness
You just have to bare their inner most complexes and insecurities

And there they are, in their obscene form
Saying things which you have heard from villains and loafers in a movie

Makes you cringe, wipe your eyes , remove the tinted glasses and exclaim "So this is you!"

Gives a feeling  which can be put to rest only by the mighty me, the uncaring me, the me which is beyond trivia

And I shall smile then and say "So what if this is you...I always knew..and I will always be better :)"

Where do I begin

I know I write a lot about my baby (still I feel its less), but if you have one and you are a woman, you would know (and only you) what it is all about.
This mind boggling love and attachment you grow for someone who has not yet made any memories with you.
Maybe cos your baby was always a part of everything beautiful in you, everything beautiful meant for you!

My heat always swells with inexplicable feelings...cos of the way he comes to me with puppy eyes,cos of his smell and his complete submission to me. cos of his frail body, his wobbly head, his gaze at me for long time and occasionally following me with his eyes as I move around..
It's frightening to feel so vulnerable and strong at the same time!

I keep trying to detach myself from him, giving myself weird reasons like - he is just a speck of life, which happened to be inside me..why should it gnaw at my heart to hear him cry? And for a while I feel I have done it, in bits. When he is sleeping in his crib and I am not around, I feel this time when I see him next I wont get that tug in my heart. But the moment his mere face comes in my mind, my heart constricts, with some mix of pain, love, fear..

It is as if with him all possible emotions are at their pinnacle..

OK!
I promise to write about something else next(though my son is the most happening thing in my life right now and for years to come), something which has been in my mind for as long as I remember, in big and small measures. Something I feel deeply about, which agitates me and I believe is the source of many evils in society. Something I felt was trivial when I was a young girl with naive thoughts of always following my heart and what I felt was right, but now all that seems like a struggle, an ugly battle, a nasoor(wound) which would never be healed.

Cocoon

We start with a cocoon and end in one.

Right from our birth, we begin our life inside womb, our cocoon which holds us safe, warm and secure. Thats why when babies come out, fetal position is the most comfortable one for them as they have a fear of falling, going into unknown, insecure, no-one to hold them.

And as we grow, we feel we have come out of that, we are independent, we are mature and can deal with anything in life.

But in reality we are forever looking for that cocoon, that space which holds us un-scattered, keeps our pieces together. Like the warmth of a blanket in cold night, or like a cup of hot tea in rains, like our mother's smell.

Different people have different definitions for their cocoon. Most want it in love, love of a spouse, love of siblings, love of partner, love of their kids. 

For some it could be money, social status which gives them a sense of safety.

They want to know they are loved, cared for, special and safe.

So actually we never grow, we are forever looking for our own cocoons.

My baby, you have become my cocoon right now. You dont need me, but I do. You might be happy with someone else who can give you all that I stand for, but for me you are the world, irreplaceable!

The decision to have a child

I love kids, its no secret. Its a fact well acknowledged in my family, one of the things that defines me.

Love makes you a different and a better person, as they say.

It could be any kind of love, the key is, it is unadulterated.
Even love for a kid. You learn how to give and not expect, you love to pamper and even if they ill treat you at times, you can not give it back and keep loving. You become a slave to their effervescent blabbering, incessant questioning and baby smell.

I have felt all this with my sister's kids. I have been their favorite mausi (aunt) as I spent maximum time with 2 of them owing to the fact that I was single back then and stayed with my sisters when they had their kid.

But after marriage when I started thinking of having my own, I have no idea from where some creepy thoughts made their way in. I recall, I was a few months away from getting married, was waiting for my bus at the stop and I had the wildest thought at that moment.

"What if I hate my own child?"
In-spite of being a lover of kids, I had this disturbing thought. And I tried analysing it, right there at the bus stop.
I felt it stems from this apprehension as to what if you child is a replica of all that you hate in yourself?
Your insecurities, your weaknesses, your lack of judgment and clarity at times, your inability to take risks, your folly of trying to fall into the line with what society wants you to be.
To top it, what if this baby is also made of the things that you abhor in your spouse as well.

A worst possible concoction of a human, I must say.

Yes, I would want my child to have none of that, to be free from the ordinariness that defines most of us. To be a soul whom I can admire and probably rediscover and unlearn the ugliness that we all learn in our lives.

But what if s/he only reminds me of all that more and more, like no one else could have done otherwise?

I would be scared for her/him, love and at the same time loathe all of it, all at the same time!

It will be like reliving and dealing with all your own childhood issue/teenage tantrums..once again.
And it occurred to me that I would not want to love my own replica.

Something I dont like in myself, I can not bear someone else bearing the cross. And that someone else is someone whose whole persona I would be responsible for, while I would not even know from where all anomalies would seep inside that child. Genes and all.

I was contemplating if this is how I felt with surety about having a child or not..

But the very next moment the thought of something born out of your own flesh and blood seemed captivating to me. It must be overwhelmingly joyful to look at a small creature and find a hint of you in it.
Maybe the same eyes, or the smile, or hair..or mannerisms.

The toothless endearing smile, and the way s/he would find solace in me and only me. I would be his/her whole world..at least for a while.

I guess one can forego all the complexities of rearing a child for such irreplaceable joys, a zillion times.

Your child is probably a way of reliving the good, the bad and the ugly, once again.

Feminist?

I was filling up some applications for some official stuff and there was a column which said

Father's name :-
Husband's name (if applicable) ;-

I , as per habit, cut off the husband part and wrote my father's name and carried on with other sections of the form.
In a few seconds it struck me that I do have a husband now and realised I might have to re-do this page and got a little miffed about the re-work.

And in that moment I realised whats this whole thing about a woman having to write father's or husband's name? What does it warranty?

So a mother or a wife has no bearing in anything official? Why doesn't a form ever ask for their names? They do not have an identity or presence strong enough in your lives to be required on a form?

Sometimes I wonder why do I hold on to things like this? Why cant I just accept that it is after all a man's world and do whats required without gumption?

Well, if I could do that..it would not be me

My other sister's are not like me, and they also tell me that there are things I should let go, as a woman.

Why do I strive for an equiality in every sphere?Why does it bother me so much that I can ruin it all, just to retain that image of justice in my brain?

I guess there are parts of you, which are away from genes, from up-bringing, from siblings, from the country you are born in

Does that categorize me as "Feminist"..hell if it does! Aiming for euqlaity has names in this world?
Some people derive pleasure in calling someone a "feminist" as if its some abuse..I pity at the mentality of such people who chose to be less humane and blame it on someone who tries to be more?

Sometimes I feel my sense of equality and freedom and  individuality will be my end!
So be it!!!

Those beautiful ones

Those big cities with eye blinding lights seduce me in a way I cant describe

Whenever I croos continents, I cant take my eyes off from sights of citis like this, in the night

"We are crossing Geneva", the announcement is made in the aircraft and like a sucker for beauty I hang onto my window, my co passenger eyeing me if s/he mistook me for an adult

I remember as a child, I would also look out for beauty...
-Of face, of body, of scenery, of words and of pure feelings

Beauty never threatened me, it just heightened my sense of everything within me, what I sought in this world...

I dont know why sometimes I stare in the horizon in twilight..when the sun has gone down and the moom has not come up as yet..a time of the day when all that is alive is part of me
Something scathing, unsatisfied..burning in that moment..the beauty of which bewitches me..my thirst for my life resurrects..and I wish to meet that person who holds the key to my being..in the meeting of dawn and dusk

Jobless in Bangalore

I sit on the couch for hours watching back to back recorded episodes of "Grey'a anatomy" (the earlier ones on star plus and later ones on Zee Cafe), One tree hill, mad men..and anything which catches my fancy while flipping channels

I start feeling as if I was born and raised on this couch

So how does it feel being so free and having time to yourself to pursue whatever you want, must be really great!
NO it sucks!

There were so many interests I pursued earlier, while I was working and they seemed interesting to me
Now even dance does not excite me...cos everything looks like a compensation for something major I am missing in life
My job..I dont recall a day of my life where I ever thought I would not be working

Even the blog was such a respite earlier..and now it seems like a task!

Some women might be OK not working after marriage, but I was never going to be that woman, thats what I had sworn to myself

And look where life gets you sometimes...amongst the 3 of we sisters, I am the only one not earning right now

The body loses its energy if it does not do what its always meant to...then no substitute is enough.. reading..dancing..fashion...dining out...nothing helps!

So every day I go through such weird thoughts, sitting alone on the couch, willingness to move having left me

Then I pick up broken pieces of my heart and start all over with.....hmmm Grey's anatomy... err One tree hill..

Some people feel important only if they are making someone's life hell

Thats how some people get a kick in their otherwise mundane life.

There is this person in my office, I can not disclose the whole identity of that person since he has found my blog too. But lets just say, he is someone whose opinion and whims can affect me.

And it did finally.

He was tad over-friendly initially, which I first thought as a trait in some people, and ignored.
Then he started calling me for some mentoring sessions , and we would have these 2 hours session, where 1.45 hours would be all inane stuff. As to how his married life sucks, how his extra curricular activities make him different from the rest, how he has brought up his kids marvelously, how he is such an outdoor person but wife is an indoor person and they always have conflict because of that, and how his neighbor is such a competition for him since he cares so much for his own wife that there is always the comparison.And how in the end he and his wife "kiss and make up". Those are his exact words, which made me uncomfortable too.

But I refused to believe that all this saga is cos I am a woman and he wants to spend some time with me.
I even fought with my then fiance, for insinuating any such thing.

Then he started messaging me on office IM, which grew creepy with time.

Well, he had me googled, and unfortunately google shows a lot of information about me.

So he first IMs me about my grand father (which one of my online profile states in full detail), feigns the fact that he knows he is my grand father, asks me if I could get books by him if I go to my home town. Also mentions he is such a big fan of my grand father (well he never mentioned that he knew he is my grand father)

At this very moment I knew he has his data on me.
Then came the story about my secret talent as a dancer, that he has his sources and he knows that about me.
What was he thinking..I am a  dud?

But since the hierarchy is such, I played along and feigned surprise.
And finally he called me to a room and told me that he knows I have a gift of writing. It was getting nauseating for me and I wanted to punch his face, but kept smiling and tolerating.

What I dint anticipate was that announcement of my marriage would change things drastically.

The day I announced, his whole persona took a 180 degree shift.
He refused my leaves, asked me to work till a day before marriage. Which obviously I could not.

When I came back from wedding, he did not bother to even congratulate me. Just called me for a meeting and told me that I would have to go on "Loss of Pay" for all the days I did not come to work, while I was away for my oen wedding.

And if you know me, you know that my temper and intolerance for injustice comes in my way always. So did it this time. I had a massive show down with him, in front of another colleague (who was clueless as to why all the bickering) and I walked out of the meeting

I was aghast at how a married man(15 years of marriage) could hope to have anything with me. What did he think? That I have avoided marriage for so log, to have an extra marital affair with a person whose face resembles a buffalo? What was his game? He manages to be married with a sane woman who is taking care of his house, he should thank his stars for that. Not raise his bars any further.

Finally I decided its in my best interest to resign, since anyways I would be moving out of this city soon.
And now I am jobless in 13 years, not knowing what to do with all the time I have in hand.
Little depressed, little out of sorts.

My blog my solace.

But I am sure, I will finally find my groove

This body has a mind of its own

Note : I need some time away from what all is happening around me, my mind is a little numb.
I have been irregular on the blog, and I miss it like I would miss myself (if I give in to the world). You realize how being with yourself is something you love the most, when you are about to lose yourself and your loneliness

What you are going to read now is midless chatter of an overloaded brain..but had to write something


People emphasize so much on the brain that they forget the body has a say in lots of matters too

You ask me why should one love anyone?
Is it just the brains or the brawn?

Its way too many things My Dear!Brain is but just a bit of it
Words become harrowing at times, your ideas and your intelligence can become a farce one day..too much or too less

What are you? A mix of your body, a bit of your mind, your fragrance, your mischief and your desires(which makes another desirous of you)

You are way too many things, and Also Nothing..at the same time

You are loved cos of...
the way you smile, and the way you hold it back too
the way your flare up, and the way you sometimes let go and feign nonchalance
the way you touch a chord somewhere, and never let it go..

A person can be magic, for what he says, and for how he touches you
Your body can be a resting place for some battered heart

Someone's body can be yours, away from the world, away from your own grueling self, away from the mess that brain creates

This body has a mind of its own, and we cant deny that many a times it supersedes the brain

Lets rest in peace our brains, words and  ask our body its wishes some times..that's as much ours as anything else

Father figure

My upbringing could be labelled as extremely un-conventional, by Indian standards
I never had a male member in the family, who dominated the household

My father not the archetypical indian father, what with each of us having a different surname, more like a second name than the family name which people usually carry

When my other girlfriends spoke of how they would have fun while their respective fathers were at work, and had to behave properly once the man of the house was home, I felt disconnected
Cos it was exactly the opposite in my house

We would sit late in the mornings, on holidays, sitting with tea and papa
Talking of what love is all about..my father reading excerpts from "Brother's Karamazov" to us
Ma getting angry and probably jealous, cos she had to cook and miss being part of that gang

And somewhere amidst all this, we(mainly I) became feminists(!?)
Well well, this word "feminist:" has such nasty connotations nowadays,  that saying it makes me feel like an old hag who is out there to kill all men
And the whole essence of it is gone, by all this humbug created around it, by some men/women

 But secretly I wished I had something similar to say, like my other friends. This duality lent them such an air of mystery and exclusiveness that I missed being that girl. I envied that they were more special than I was, who was given all the liberty in the world. As if no one cared!

Maybe thats the reason why seeing an elderly man anywhere makes me respectful towards him, brings out the gentler side of me
Many a times in my moments of distress, I always imagined a huge hand on my head, patting me and saying "It will be fine, I am there". And that someone is a man, a man who knows me inside out

All that makes me think...
Is it that inspite of all this liberation talks, women actually want and need to be subdued?
Is there a desire in them to be ruled? Is that the law of nature?
Do we have this inherent need to be dominated, is that the only way they can love a man?Do we all women need a man who tells us you are nothing, you mean something only cos you are attached to me?

Are we all looking for that "father figure", who tells us and controls us in a way which makes us respect him?

I mean if I have to marry, I will always look for someone who is either my equal or better. In terms of money as well as personality.
But for a man, a pretty wife is pretty much fine. Her education,job are just fancy stuff which they might like and admire. But not a must. Why dont men have such mandates as well?

I think its a catch 22 situation, for at least women like me.
I would like to be controlled by a man, but the kind of control a man exercises, without actually owning me and my heart, makes me refute it.

Some men try to be God, even before they do anything close to being a God.

Whenever I sit in front of God's deities in my house, even for a few seconds, I feel peace.
I feel I am taken care of, that I will never be mistaken by almighty.
That I dont have to fight for smallest of my human rights with him/her.
Be it changing your surname when you get married, to your role change from a daughter to a daughter in law, from assuming you would leave your job always to accompany your husband in his ambitions...etc etc

My GOD - s/he does not judge me for any and every thing, s/he loves me like someone who loves a butterfly full of colors, for my beauty and for my mischief..
There are no questions big enough to be answered, as everything I am is known to him
I can sit in his/her cradle and be everything that I ever wished to be, and s/he just indulges me
While I value him, for being all this and strive to be the woman of his desires

If a man can make me feel all of that, then maybe he can be my God!

It's a man's world

Yes it is!
In-spite of all the efforts, all feminism, all this sho-sha about women being equal..there are numerous ways and things in our system which ultimately make you feel so.

I have been planning for a trip abroad. When I applied for VISA, I got a checklist of things to be submitted. One of which said:
   - An NOC(No objection certificate) from husband, if married.
That irked me, but since I dint need to bother about it, I went ahead and provided NOC from my company.

The travel agent lady who was arranging for my VISA, went thru all my documents and sheepishly said: "Can you arrange an NOC from your father also, since you are a single female?"
I frowned and asked "But I have given you from my company, and I am not a minor"
To that she said "We dont want to take chances and sometimes VISA people might ask for it"
I further asked, with chagrin "And if I were a single male, that would not have been necessary?"

She promptly replied "No. no..not for males"
I stared at her in disbelieve and must have borne the most hideous expression, since she just smiled at me in exasperation(with a look saying, this is how the system goes)

I mean, what kind of crap is this? I am a full blown adult, who has been providing for my parents too, in small ways..yet I need to provide all that cos I am a single woman?

What if I am a tyrant and ask my husband on gun point to give me NOC, or torture my father to provide me an NOC? How the hell will they validate?

This stupid system we are in & this stupid country(or maybe its the same everywhere)

Anyways, all that bullshit had to be borne by me and had to provide everything, for all the pleasure that awaits me

So Yes, I am off

To a place with mountains

Where the smell of cheese and chocolates is in the air

And intoxication of wine pervades the nights

I hope to find a lost piece of my heart there

Bye and laterz.. with pics and details of the trip(Just wish that weather remains as good as it is right now, and no rains)