I am not your mystery woman, I am not your muse..I am not your soulmate, just a passionate woman looking for her own peace of mind...
Heart is a lonely hunter!!!
"Within us there is someone who knows everything, wills everything, does everything better than we ourselves"~I guess this is Hermen Hesse
I went to pick up Aaru from school the other day. I usually don't go, his nanny mostly picks and drops him.
Each time I go, I wait to see him like a lover waiting for a message from a beloved.
And the moment I see him!! If I say he is the dollop of light which falls in my world each time I see him, it wont be an over-the-top statement
Each time, that moment stands out. His gaze falls on me, and his whole face and body lights up. His body language changes to that of a loved, brat-ish little boy, who knows he is my hero. We both rush to each other.
Its so strange that in that moment, I don't see who brought him to me, I don't acknowledge if anyone is smiling at me, or trying to talk to me. Its just me and him, gleeful in each others presence(just like they show in movies that the whole world is a haze and you only see the one you want to see)
And this happens e.v.e.ry.t.i.m.e I go to his school. My Aha moment.
Isn't this what love is all about or supposed to be? Love means each time you see that person, even if if you stay with him/her, just a brief 2 hours of separation and you are again new to each other. The novelty of seeing each other never fading.
I have found that love in my child.
On another note: I was telling his teachers that he has been extremely cranky off late cos of introducing a new protocol of medicines. Been crying a lot for no reason, so in case this happened with them then they need not be alarmed.
Both his teachers looked at each other and said "Araadhya crying? We have never seen him cry even once! He even fell down and hurt his nose, he just made a sound but no tears! He gets angry and sometimes throws things but never cries."
And I said to myself "after all he is my son" and many men in my life had this issue with me that I never cried, that I was hard-hearted or something? I only cried alone, if I had to. And Aaru cries only when I am around, the one person he is safest with. (Though now after Aaru, I cry easily, as if something broke inside me which I held onto for years)
The first time someone said that to me (that he would like to see me cry just once) , I was reminded of this song by Enrique Iglesias "I dont know why , I dont know why, I love to see you cry"
I know my capacity to love
I feel that capacity in the small things
Like how I let go of my anger.... for the worst people in my life
And this teeny weeny bit of residual loving feeling....once you filter all the hatred for them
Little things I am proud of...
....that there is a part of me which can love deliriously, uninhibited
a part of me which without getting an ounce of pleasure goes about doing things for the best of others
Love is life transforming
When someone treats you in a certain way you start becoming that person
If you are loved right, all crimes in the world would stop
There are bits and pieces of us, scattered around in those places and people where our are hearts have found something new, exciting, enriching
when we revisit those places, we revisit ourselves, , we revert a little to the old, feel a little more than usual that we felt off-late
As we try assimilating all that we were..that assimilation gives a little high..to know ourselves as we used to be..to realize there is a faint chance of us getting back to that
But all we do is go in circles around a mass of colossal sadness, making every memory of ourselves ..solidifying that what has been will never again will be
Yet, I hear an old song..and sometimes in midst of all the chaos..I find myself anewed
Just the other day, I was on my way to work, and from no where a though struck me
This being in love, or someone being in love with you..this is such an extraordinary feeling
Just love, nothing else
No bondage of marriage, no promises of anything stable..but just the fact that someone is wrapped around you, can't think of anything beyond you, his/her days and nights are painted and tainted by you..is so mesmerizing
Its breath-takingly beautiful..exhilirating
Noone has any obligation to be truthful, to be faithful, to be available for another..no bondage of marriage, no bondage of blood, no court order
Its just you and your lover...
Someone just loves the way you are made, your eccentricities, your tantrums and your beauty
That makes you love yourself, all over again...to regale in your quirks to accentuate your "youness"..you see speak and behave the same..yet there is a shine to it all
This feeling is heady, it makes you giddy, you just want to retain it by all means..cos thats all you have by virtue of being you...everything else comes with a price
So when you feel the threat of losing that single soulful thing....you bend, you relent, you cling, you lose yourself, you fail to realize that the very thing which made you loveable and got you here... gets lost in the whole process of trying to retain a love which should have been lost long back
Thats why they say..love and all other disasters!!
I sometimes look at him and wonder from where he learnt to make these faces.
Where he got this attitude from?
Sometimes he would grimace at me and try to win my love, if someone else is doing something he does not like (mainly changing his clothes which is not a great affair for him, when his hands and feet get pulled).
Sometimes he would look through me if he does not really need me, is happy in his zone, or if I fawn too much and he is not in a mood to be fawned at.
Sometimes he would go on incessant babbling session, and make faces like grown ups would talk, with variation in tones.
And yet other times he would smile in glee, like the most beautiful rainbow the sky has ever seen, shining through my days and nights, cutting across everything sweet in me, that my heart can not take so much of love.
And for a moment I drop dead in my tracks and think HOLY SHIT! This is my doing. This ticked inside me for 9 months.
This adorable adorable piece of perfection.... is my son!
My boom shaka laka..being your mother is my greatest gift in life!
कुछ अजीब सी कैफ़ियत है दिल की
जबसे तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी आखों से मिली हैं
तुम
दो आँखें है, दो प्यारे हाथ हैं (जो जब न तब मेरे बालों को खींच लेते हैं)
तुम्हारी मीठी साँसें हैं
बस यही धूरि है मेरी अब
तुम से, तुम तक ही..
मेरे दिन और रात हो गए हैं
किसी से सुना था,
प्यार जब होता है तब ही खुद के दिल की गहराइयाँ पता चलती हैं
ये अब समझ आया है,
तुम तो लगता है मेरी आत्मा तक पहुँच गए हो
वो भी बिना कुछ बोले
शायद मेरी शकल भी अभी तुम्हारी जेहन में सही आकार नहीं ले पायी होगी
पर कभी कभी तुम्हारी आँखें यूँ कहती हुई लगती हैं
कि चाहे मैं तुम्हें पेह्चानूं या ना पेह्चानूं
तुम्ही मेरी ख़ास लड़की हो
घर बहार, बाजार
हर तरफ तुम्हारा छोटा सा चेहरा दिखता है
मेरे अंदर की छिपी ख़ुशी को तुम्हारी शक्ल मिल गयी है
मेरे बच्चे , मेरे गुड्डे
मेरे दिल को तुमने बड़ा कर दिया और वहां प्यार ही प्यार भर दिया
जिंदगी ने एक और मौका दिया है , जिंदगी को अपने घर लाने का
अब जिंदगी चाहे जहाँ ले जाये, चाहे जो दिखाए
हम और तुम मिलके सब आसान कर लेंगें
होगा क्या हम ना जानें , नयी भर लें उड़ानें... जज्बात ने पर हैं फैलाये , तुम आये
Do you recall moments of your life which you never thought you would ever think about in anyway? The most passé ones?
I have this gift.
No I should not say gift, a weird way of remembering most inconsequential moments of my life, like a spark in my brain
As if all my memories are wrapped in small bundles of nerves, and anytime, for any reason, some bundle unravels itself, filling me with snapshot of a certain time of my life
But let me clarify, they are the most innocuous moments of my life, yet I cant put a finger on the reason behind it's shooting across my brain
One such thing is a day in my life, when I was in the US first time, 8 years back
I was in a mall with a girlfriend, we ordered some Thai take away and then sat in the balcony of the small restaurant eating and chatting away...
And till date when I want to recreate a romantic moment with someone who had been special, just in my mind..that balcony comes back to me in weird ways..
Me leaning on the balcony with a glass of wine, me sitting on a chair in that same balcony
I mean its something I never thought would stay in my mind in anyways..yet it did..and it does
And I wonder why?
Maybe something gained..or lost...in those moments
Something which can not be repeatable..unique..random
Just like Love..the abandon and the gross innocence
You go on gaining age, wisdom, wealth, health in your life..but love does not come easy..
That feeling..that youthful oblivion..never again
That feeling... that someone sees something in you, bright and shiny..unique, un-repeatable
I want to be un-stitched, broken, pained Wish someone could open me up, in the most painful way And my beauty would come out again And I would love again
"Have a a good life, and get what you wish", someone says this when they are about to disappear from your life
"Take care", someone utters this as habit, while leaving you all alone
I hate such ending lines, said so often by people who actually leave you alone
Who are never there with you in your worst moments, but say these "feel good" sentences..which actually makes them feel alright with themselves for the moment
I know its a formality many a times, but sometimes you really want the person who is saying it, to stay back and take care of it all
If I have to take care of myself, you dont need to tell me to do so, I would do it anyways, while knowing I am alone in this
But if you do care, stay back and take care of me
Dont ever ask me to do it all by myself...your asking me does not help me one bit
I do feel & sound like a fanatic sometimes, when it comes to relationships
I make every word count, and I make every single moment etched in my brain, to MEAN something
Meaningless has no space in my arena
I wish I was one of them to say those things, while I meant nothing close to it
I never can, all I have to give someone I leave is emptiness, in words and in feelings
I can never conjure enough great sounding words, to salvage my leaving and going away from someone's life
I am really stuck tonight, to follow the words or to follow the heart
Should my heart swoon at someone saying the right words, of "love", "commitment" et al
Or should my heart listen to the unsaid, and believe its own beats
Cos after all "words are all you have to take my heart away"
Its strange how the words betray you...like they do...with me
I begin to write something and my words fly away...I totally completely forget what is it that I began with
Tonight shall I believe the superficial and esconce myself in the grandeur of the said
Or feel the unsaid from someone, who never had enough words to tell me anything
Love has roots in places you never knew existed in your heart
Urbane is not for me, its the rustic which always excites and unstiches me
I am trying to figure out that part in me which relents to something like that..
You appear as some one sauve and sophisticated with the right most expression and gravest smile on your face, but when you break into a punjabi gaali under your breath, thats when you make me smile
You are the graciosu lady who loves to be the perfect bahu, wife, giver for the world
But when you give in to hysterical laughter is when you make me fall in love with you
I guess we strive to find a part of us in any and everyone we meet..
that ME which resonated with something un-accountable in me
And when we see it somewhere..we run after that
Be it a song, a poem, a person...a moment..a love..a hatred..a madness..a sadness
Something which keeps reminding us of what we are...and keeps us alive
How can we ever get past us...and this "I" we so nicely concocted, and coveted
And so this song is also about me..
It does not belong to me in the first few lines
But when it breaks into tabla at 1.12 seconds..its all mine to claim..to love.to hate..to reminisce..to love..to cry..to belong..to disown...to just be ME
She does not love to be loved, but just as whim
Being desirous suffices her needs
She looks at men with her kohl-ed eyes
In her Velvety heel and black shimmer dress
she can find gaps in any man, from where she can slip
She says..the wanting look in men in truthful
Not the love they wear on their sleeves
They have all loved her secret strength
Not knowing she had always been in love with a weakness
But strange things happen with her always
The more she gets detached, the more men try to get her attached
The false stability makes her further unstable in her mind
She hates to stare at her mobile for someone's name
Nameless faces make her feel alive now
She knows the game of seduction finally tilts things
One way or another,
She knows, men will get her addicted to something, and take that away
So the only addiction she trusts now is of alcohol and desire
Some women are meant to be lonely
Men have seized to be what she wanted them to be
A tryst with herself, a lump in her throat
There has always been..
This desperate need to look for someone who is in touch with himself..
So that he can touch her soul some day
For men, her mystery ends in her body, never before and never after
She carries her mystery with herself, never willing to part
She does not believe in greatness in men, mere thought disquiets her
Its the smallness in them that lets her be what she wants to be
She has been hugged many a times, sometimes for the body
Sometimes for the sake of commitment and objectification
But nothing in synch with her, nothing of the hugs she misses
All this rigmarole, cos she tried finding his scent elsewhere, but could not
She would never know what a life with him would have been, or if any of it was worth it
The scent of belonging, the scent of her womanhood
She has not blushed in eons
Friday, February 10, 2012
Yet again thoughts of love were on my mind..and the whys which go with it
How much of negativity can a person spread with words and how much of it can one take? I look for love around, but there is so much of un-love swarming around me that I get back to being my wrong self In words, in actions, in disapprovals and indifference..there is just too much of un-love sitting around the corner to grab you Its like some people are out there to jinx all your happiness, even from a distance they can cast a spell, like voo-doo, like black magic
But no, hush, I had love in my mind today..of discourses over coffee or wine in a secluded bar, wishing to be in a stupor Of my eva-de-clogne minglign with someone's musk Of a season of the mind which is like reckless new year celebration on goan streets
Love is a state of mind, its a point in you, a point to the center of your being
You can love someone only when you are at peace with yourself, When you are like that piece of cotton which can absorb everything, ever giving and ever receiving
But when you love cos you are disturbed or not in love with yourself, then you are actually trying to run away from yourself...diving into another person. You can never love in a disturbed state of your mind, cos then you are actually unloving yourself, in the process of loving someone else And an un-love for yourself never lasts...it can become an obsession..but never love. So when the other person does not love you back, you start taking out layers off that person, robbing him/her of all adornments you made that person shine with earlier. But its not so much peeling off layers from that person , as much about your loathing for your own weakness, which you realise with time. You are just removing shards of your own personality by owing or disowning things in another
So what do we see in another when we love? Apart from all those desired qualities you seek in a person: viz honesty, integrity and all that crap, one thing I have heard most from people(and I say it too) is that sense of humor is something which can keep 2 people glued together.
But then is it just about the person's ability to make you laugh? Well, in that case one can go and watch a really cool comedy movie, isnt it?
No, love is that part of you which you will always love, that only part which you will respect in yourself
Love happens when that person pulls your center with a centrifugal force, out on the surface, You are spilling all over, you are too much to bear, your aura has taken a different colour overnight And universe is so happy with your "muchness"
Your edges are scathed and sparkle, In fights and in banal talks, you feel the whole of you
Unlike some people, for whom love is just running away from themselves.Who try to negate every bit of you, who pick ulterior motive in all that you do or say, whose inadequacy starts showing up in you, whose bitterness spills all over you..such people are in-capable of loving, cos their own complexes will never let them love anyone
Sometimes I wonder if its the strong ones who have to bear the cacophony of the weak? Sometimes the strength that you exhibit, can be taken against you, to wear you down. So much that you start condemning your own strength.Just cos, they can not get to the core of you(but keep telling you that you dont have a core and they have you all figured out!)
You can become the same with them, and then its a spiral downwards. The next person you are with, you will spill your venom on him/her and the chain continues
For those who are ensconced in the grandeur of their own thoughts and believes..
Incidentally love is, and will always be about you, yourself
May each one of you find a valentine, to cherish this year..new or old..but someone your own..so much you
We never held hands like usual couples, neither of us were the mushy kinds. But you would go overboard with disgust for couples who did all that, around us. Your face bore such expressions of annoyance in them, if we saw a couple feeding one another with their hands or something like that. And I could never understand your extreme loathing towards anything which had any semblance to intimacy.Maybe by showing your utter disgust for such things,you were dismissing something soft and sweet inside you.
But when I hummed a song while making tea in the kitchen, you would reduce the volume of TV to hear me. And if even then you could not, you would ask me "क्या गा रही हो? जोर से गाओ ना.." (What are you singing, please sing a little louder)
Did you know I felt so unstitched in front of you after that, a warm feeling would sweep all over me..no one has asked me to sing ever, noone has showed interest in something which is not my forte Yet I would continue in my low volume, acting nonchalant
You would never call me anything other than my bare first full name, in its most correct way Never "Sweets" or "Baby" But You would do it with other women, friends or flirt-buddies, I had heard and seen you doing that, but never with me
I was always the woman beyond words of endearment to you
Other men have used those words on me, from most sublime to most obnoxious But noone ever called my name the way you did..it still rings in my ears sometimes and makes me feel whole
But when we spoke to each other, we never knew which words are to be emphasized, where do the punctuations lie... Our words just flew around when we were together Spilling...from me to you and you to me In its inarticulate form , in its uncouth raw form
I never knew what you liked about my face, or if you found me pretty. Men have had exotic words for my eyes, lips, hair and body..but never you
But then you would sometimes say something like this offhandedly: "Where is that black top of yours? The one you wore last Friday and your hair was swept back tightly in a ponytail. Dint see you wearing it after that?"
You never realized but just there in that moment,you splashed a pretty rainbow in the trajectory of my life. A rainbow I can go and grab anytime. Why wouldn't that black shirt become my favorite? I don't tie my hair like that often anymore
We never went thru the stage of infatuation, of dreaminess and flitting glances in a room full of people..we were always where 2 people are, after being comfortable with each other. The first flush of love gone long past, yet the thirst un-quenched.
Yet when every Thursday, in-spite of all our fights, you would message me "कहीं चलें?" (Shall we go somewhere?). And that would always make me feel all is well with the world, everything is in its place and I can be saved
But I would keep saying "No", though knowing that eventually we will be out on the streets like vagabonds, excavating our past and future
I remember those winters as summers of my life
When you left on 8th October 2004, and we had a spell of no communication for 2 months(though we saw each other daily), you came by my desk and shook my hand, hesitated for a moment as if you wanted me to come along with you somewhere...far away
I dint even look at you, you murmured something, I ignored and you left
Then I blankly stared at the monitor, numb with a feeling of umbilical chord being cut again and again And I wondered..what is it that you gave me, when you denied me the very nuances of love?
मैं सारी रात कतिया कतिया करून .. ..नचदी फिरूं , टपदी फिरूं, कीली मैं नपदी फिरूं हद करूं, हद करूं, हद करूं..... यारा बुल्ले लुटिया करूं , लुटिया करूं, लुटिया करूं मैनूं डर हुन नइयो जगदा , तेरे लिए हुन जीयु ते मरूं
(I will spin your cotton..I will do anything for you the whole night I keep jumping, dancing I nab the sticks I reach the limits, the limits Beloved, I am enjoying myself I am not afraid anymore of the world I will live and die for you)
This song and this scene irrevocably reminds me of my days with you
Though I never kept my head on your shoulders, or held you from behind...and you always had that grievance with me
I dont know how many sat behind your bike after me, how many kept their heads on your shoulder, but I do know one thing, with gut wrenching certainty, that you would look for me in each one of them..as I keep doing that..and tuck you inside my heart, like a sweet dish which is to be relished till everything else is gone long away
I might be glorifying you in my mind, but that was meant to be...
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Those who say "I love you" too soon, are the ones who mean it the least ~me
This life that I got from you I have not yet sown it..
I read a lot of blogs, its like an addiction. Mostly the dark ones, which talk of love..unrequited love, love shared and lost, love losing its sheen But this is not about those blogs, but is about the strange disconnect I feel when I read such blogs.Where people talk about that one bright star, that one person they loved and lost..its this disconnect which attracts me to such blogs I guess
And I am left thinking about myself. When I close my eyes, there isn't that ONE face which comes to my mind, there is no one love which torments me day and night Why isn't there a name which whispers in my ears..sweet nothings? I feel little belittled, I feel envious of those people who have that fire in their hearts to love someone
And I feel the burden of not having loved enough to have a hole in the heart which does not heal... Am I stoic? Hard heart-ed? Frivolous?
I have never had an intense longing in my heart for someone for a long time... When I had, it was as intense as intense can be, but when I lost it..I never looked back
But I have loved, I have loved as love is meant to be..with every atom of my being In each of you whom I love, I have loved myself even more fiercely You, the ones I loved, are the testimony of all my notions of love
Maybe I have loved those frozen moments And longed for those moments to keep appearing in my life, in succession like a chain of beginnings, with the same person, again and again
But beginnings end, and end happens
Sometimes I feel I could replace all my days and night, for that edgy heady feeling, which never lasts
But yes I have loved you, you who pulled me away from my mundane life..
You are that flicker of romance, I saw on beaches And always imagined and wished for And you fulfilled my prophecy Of living a romance, as wild as ours
And you, who lifted me up and I was always aware of the lurking desire in you to pull me down You were the deepest and darkest of my nightmares you are all that torments me you are all that takes it away
You, who was always telling me what I was,who tried deciphering me like an ancient scripture, things I never saw in myself, you saw In you I saw the mystery that's me A glimpse of it, scared I was but I loved myself even more
I remember you too, for those small bouts of mirth and days laden with sweet talks I can smell wine, when I see you from afar The beauty of alcohol and inebriation Is what you bring back to me
You were the one with whom I could drop my head and say, I dont want to be strong anymore all that the world gives me I offload it to you..you take away all of it And I can see my pain dissipating in the air.. As my words fill you..and your lips touch mine
How could I forget you, who remembers me as his own ?
You were that painter who drew me in details From arch of my heels to the mole on my finger Sometimes I believe I existed more in your sketch and detailing of me Than outside of it
Yes, I have loved
I have not loved to fill in the blanks of my life I have loved cos you deserved it, and so did I
I too have lost myself for a while, broken and battered I too have gone around the circles, but eventually I have found my center, within me
But how could I let any of you break me, When I loved you with the very spirit thats me? This spirit in me, which existed before you happened And continues to live inside me?
I wonder if there is too much of life in my veins, An overpowering tide Which crushes and surpasses all of you and me too
Love is a curse, only if you let it be
I wake up with a wish to see new places, to read great books, watch good movies and party hard
I tried being melancholic, to ascertain that I have been hurt and wronged That I have loved and lost, Thinking all these are the sure shot signs of being an elegant woman
But one Friday night and hopes of a rocking weekend takes its toll And I am again wanting to be a part of the world
I am the world
I have been happy, very happy I have been sad, very sad Its time to live the moderates now
And the phoenix resurrects
सारा दिन गजलें पिरोना , रात भर आवारगी फट गया दामन तो क्या है, सादा दिल है सादगी ना दिलासा चाहा दिल ने , ना वफादारी का सिलसिला The whole day I weave romance The whole night I roam around like vagabond My heart neither wants sympathy, nor a series of faithfulness
