All that jazz!

You remind me
Of something I lost
Or is it something I never had?

A dream which crossed me in my childhood
Or a dream which lives inside me all the time?

An abstract..a fragrance..a painting..a smile..a tune
reverberating with resonance of life and its meaning
Making me come alive..with your presense..or absence

Its you who makes me tick..and go through the grind
Dont know if I would know you..or be in the oblivion
But its you..which makes my day...and the sultry night

Just like that

I used to think writing is one thing I can do whenever I feel like..when I am down, writing my diary gave me solace, when I was happy my diary gave me companionship in joy.
But now, I just dont seem to think of writing. My diary lies abandoned long back, I thought I might use this blog to give way to my feelings. But even that is seldom.

Wondering what the reason could be? Lost interest in writing, or generally lost interest in anything worthwhile?

Maybe lost the belief that there is beauty in everything..
I guess this is a phase...and this shall pass too :)

My Teacher

Yesterday I got to know that my kathak dance teacher , Shri Madhukar Anand, expired of liver cancer.
He was a young man, must be 39-40.

After I heard this, something broke inside. Something which I held so dear to me, something very core to my being.

It was as if a part of my childhood , my adolescence, my youth, was cut off from me.

I still remember the first time I met him, a shy sweet looking guy with a smile lurking around his lips.
I was new to the class, all of 10 years, did not know if I would fit into the class, did not know whether my mom's assesment of my dancing abilities were true. (My mom had put 3 of us into dancing and singing, thinking we had the talent).

He had asked a set of girls (including me and my 2 sisters) to do some steps and very hesitantly, but with concentration, I tried emulating him. After we all repeated after him, he pointed at me and said "She is doing it perfectly"...
Cant explain what I felt that time. It was that deciding moment when I thought that I wanted to learn dance for as long as I could. And I wanted him as my teacher.
I still remember that moment so clearly..after 24 years!


He was a dancer with tremendous potential. Very few male dancers can dance so gracefully and elegantly and carry themselves, the way he did.
A charming person, non-exhibitionist, humble with a terrific sense of humour.
A very affable person, whom one could get to like instantly...curly hair, disarming smile, good looking..

We would be practicing for some program, and then break into splits cos of his funny comments on someone dancing vaguely. My younger sis, Belu, also used to be butt of his jokes. She was a bad dancer, very thin and gawky at that time. He used to say she dances like Amitabh Bachchan :)

I used to look forward to my dance classes all through the week. Looked forward to learn dance, to explore my capability, to be appreciated and admonished by him. And if for some reason, he wasnt there for any class, I would be so listless, as if the entire week had gone to waste.

Sometimes in the class, he would call me aside,ask me to stand in the front and do some tukda, to show to the class. Then he would tell them "This is called elegance and delicacy. I want all of you to do it with this grace".
My heart swelled, my eyes shone, I felt light...and fell in love with him for making me feel so special and unique, for letting me know my own capabilities.
His saying "She is my favorite student", is something I treasure as one of the most valuable things in my life.

After 6 years of association, we went our ways. He went to Delhi, to learn from Pt. Birju Maharaj and I started concentrating on studies and career aspirations.
I met him once in between, during my studies , and he told me "If you had concentrated on dance, you would have been a great dancer". But probably I did not have the guts to puruse a career which was uncertain.

Then he got married and our dance institute held a program to felicitate him. I performed and he came backstage to give me a 100 rupee note and said "I could not believe you could emote so well".

So many times during all these years I thought of meeting him again, dancing and knowing from him if I have bettered or worsened. I kept imagining how will it be to see him again..and now I would never get to see him!
Fills me with a strange feeling of loss and hollowness..wish one could act quicker than life, cos people just go...leaving behind a sense of "never again"..

I know that we did not keep in touch for 15 years or so, and his passing away does not make any difference in my day to day life...but there are certain people who are icons in one's life, someone you look upto, someone with whom you associate some of your very fond memories and they become an intergral part of your life.

I dont know how important I was to him, but he was such a person for me. A shining, smiling figure..

RIght here...right now!

Someone asked me today..what is it that you want right now..the most!
I said..nothing..just a that wish nothing changes
I continue to be as helathy as today...as beautiful as today
I am attracted towards someone..and someone finds me attractive
he calls many times a day..and we have something going all the time
this euphioria doesnt die..it never gets old..and eveyrthing is EXACTLY as it is right now!
Can that be granted..small wish isnt it?:)

It is never the same

"aapki ki yaad aati rahi raat bhar...chashme nam muskurati rahi raat bhar..
Raat bhar dard ki shama jalti rahi...gham ki lau thartharati rahi raat bhar"

right now this song is playing in the background..and a thought struck me...its never the same again..
each year,each person, each moment...takes away a part of you..and you are never the same..



They say...time is the best healer..but time also cant make up for the "you" lost...Its just never ever the same

when the time is there..when the person is there..you dont seem to value it..you are angry about something..sick of somehting..and just want all of it to end...

But oblivious of your angry self..the softer part in you is scared...scared that what you feel now, will never be felt again..what you wish now..will be dreaded some other time...


People have thier ways of dealing with pain and hurt..some dont want to think about it, some want to lose themselves in something so as not to worry...and some, like me, dwell over it..shred it apart..take it inside your heart, churn it, till it becomes a part of you..

Then it doesnt hurt that much...

Wish there was a magical wand..which could just undo everything..everything would have been the same...

I would smile at the world with the same exuberance of a 16 year old..love as I loved with every part of me...cry without being ashamed of it...

And then everything would be the same..the scars healed and heart rejuvenated
If only!

To Gulzar...with love

Gulzar is one lyricist whose lyrics have always enchanted me...right from my childohood

This one from "Kitaab"..."master jee ki aa gayi chitthi..chitthi mein se nikali billi"..loved hearing this song as a kid..fascinated by play of words...which dint have much meaning though..maybe thats why it was so much fun to memorize it


And as I grew..my idea of romance and love were so so besotted by his words..

"hamne dekhi hai in aankhon ki mehakti khushboo"...the idea of eyes having a fragrance was so intriguing..its as if the deeper senses within me were given apt words by him

and then "shaamen bujhane aati hain raaten...raaten bujhane tum aa gaye ho"...fills the heart with such a sweet feeling...inexplicable..wish I were him to be able to name this sweet feeling


Some of my other favorites:
"pahle se likha kuch bhi nahin..roj naya kuch likhti hai tu..jo bhi likha hai dil se kiya hai..yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de" - for someone like me, who lives in moments..and dies in them too..this is so apt!

"baadlon se kaat kaat ke..kagazon mein naam jodna..yeh mujhe kya ho gaya"--i wish someone sung this for me...

"khamosh sa afsana...paani pe likha hota..na tumne kaha hota...na humen suna hota" - for that unsaid unspoken love..a gay abandon in the words

"kya bhala hai kya bura..ho sake to jala dil jala" - another one from libaas..dont know why but feels very close to my heart

"sili hawa choo gayi...tumse mili jo jindagi, humne abhi boyi nahin" - romance accentuated by Lata's haunting voice..always created a pic in front of me...took me to sea side..beautiful breeze..hair blown away in carelessness...and lonely moon looking down at me

"bechara dil kya kare..saawan jale bhado jale" - as a kid I used to sing this song a lot..dint understand the meaning though..just the word "bechara" sounded fun so liked the song..but now I love the song for its simplicity..child like innocence...and depth

"Aapki aankhon mein kuch mehke hue se raaj hain" - As a teenager, I would stand in front of the mirror and imagine that my eyes were as myterious as the song's description

"Aajkal paon jameen par nahin padte mere..bolo dekha hai kabhi tumne mujhe udate hue" - This song always makes one feel the euphoria of new found love..when one is floating in air..gliding past days and nights in a sweet intoxication...at least I used to :)

I never seem to do justice to his works..there are way too many songs which have been with me all these years...maybe when I again feel motivated enough..would take some more of his songs


Thank you Gulzaar..for defining love and and pain...
giving us less mortals something to be happy about..even in sadness
for making my adolescence full of dreams..
And also corrupting it :) (Cos till date I look for someone who would say
"tum pukaar lo...tumhara intezaar hai")


You remind me of a time lost..an old world charm...retained in your white kurta..and that lilting voice of yours...which takes me far away...to my world


PS- my sis lived in a house bang opposite to yours in pali hills....and me and my mom would hang at our window to stare at you whenever you came in your balcony..we could see you in your kurta..working on something..and I would always wonder whats going on in your mind right now..are you thinking of someone..or writing a letter to a beloved :)

You said..dont love me..we are very differnet...
And I thought..Its sad..but I cant love some one like me ever

Dont know what it is

She dint know what it was..the new found haterd for him, or the earlier affection..which caused this uneasiness in the heart..
Or was it her whole premise of love which stifled her..caught her unawares..anytime
While she was travelling..or busy with some thing important..
It hit her..and she would get lost
Lost as a little girl..as she used to be earlier
Scared of ghosts..scared of dark..scared of love?
Took one step forward and then two steps back...
cos that one step taken dint land her anywhere
Reach out with child like eager..and then recoil..
To realize that what she wanted is not what she should have
She hears someone say "I love you"..but doesn't feel a thing...cos love doesnt come easy
She loves to hate and hates to love...

So I ask her to delete all pictures as well..from the canvas of her heart
I tell her not think of a moment..when she loved his cologone..
When all she wanted was to hug him and make him feel wanted
A moment when his face was bent on hers..and all she could see in this whole world was him...nothing else..absolutely nothing

She will forget..so will he... She will hate him..so will he...She would have regrets...so will he!
Is it how its supposed to be in the end?

Then guess let her have no beginnings...

Murmurs

Nothing much happens
A few glaces exhanged..a few words spoken
I hear footsteps..
but dont want to know who has come or who is going

Quietness eludes me..

I love sitting by the window..or did I just think I loved it?
Am no more sure of what I loved

Cross the coffee shop.. a faint breeze of memory brushes acroos
the talks, the coversations and the coffee..was it me?
That running around on the bike...the laughter ringing in my mind

Yes it was me..so very me!

On the streets..across the walls..at the hoardings and in the clubs
I see moments...written and re-written..
The assurance and reassurance of those moments stays with me

the sweet nothings and the bitter somethings..

sometimes a wierd thought creeps in my mind

Do people see me or my memories written large on my face?

Am I the whole me...or scattered in moments..

Moments are over...am I over too?

I push memories away...they form a cobweb around me

They say...life is a stage and we are all playing a character

Then why cant I play my favorite character always?

Silence prevails...as if to combat the loud muttering in my mind
And in the silence of night..all the unspoken words start talking to me

Of Astro...Occult...and Soulmates

I am reading an interesting book these days. It talks about magic, nature, astrology and soulmates.

I came across a very novel thought in this book, might be an old one, but kind of struck me.
It says that since the time this universe came into existence, not a single atom has been added to it.
Matter has changed forms, but the sum total from the beginning of life has been the same.

There are 2 ways to know magic in the world..Tradition of the sun OR Tradition of the moon..and both traditions say that all magic begins with search of the soulmate

And with this perspective, the author goes to explain the concept of soulmates...

At the beginning of life, there were very few people but with passing away of each person, the cells of his/her soul multiplied in 2 or more and got divided in different people.
One was male and the other female. Hence the number of people grew in this world.

So in life, one soul is always looking for its other part...and whatever a man does...how ever much he earns or gets power, his true happiness only lies in finding the other half of his soul

And if in one's life, even for some brief moments, one gets a chance to come across his/her soulmate, then all the moments before and after it are worth living..

So now the question comes if there is a possiblity that the soul gets multilied in more than 2? What happens then?
And answer is that it is possible and it leads to a lot of heart break and complications in life...and ends in loneliness!

It also says how to recognize your soulmate. You would see a light above the left shoulder of the person who is your soulmate.

I could imagine myself staring at left shoulder of all the guys I met...a funny sight though!

But inspite of few things which I dint understand in the book...which sometimes I couldnt relate to or grasp the essence of, it was a good feeling to know that there is a power above us. It comforted me to think that there are things which are not in my control, which are preordained.

It fills me with hope, belief in magic and all that it entails...

Some love poems...

Some love poems which I wrote more than 10 years ago..
Maybe I was in love..or maybe in love with love itself..
Forgot the moments..forgot the person...forgot how I used to be then
But the imprints remained...
Nice to go back in time and revisit myself

-------10th Dec 1997----
वो चेहरा जो सिर्फ़ मेरा हो
वो होंठ जो सिर्फ़ मेरे लिए हँसते हों
वो दिन जब सूरज मेरे लिए खिला हो
वो बातें जो सिर्फ़ मुझे पता हो
वो नजर जिसे सिर्फ़ मैं समझ पाऊँ
ये सब कुछ, और भी कुछ
जो सिर्फ़ मेरा हो
प्रभु भेज देना इक दिन इस जमीन पर
---------10th April 1998------------------
जब तुम मुझसे कुछ बातें करते हो, तुम्हारे जाने के बाद यूँ लगता है
जैसे ये बातें पुरानी हैं
ये तुम्हारी बातें मेरे साथ कई सालों से हैं
मैं हमेशा से इन्हें सुनती आई हूँ ...
और फ़िर समय kकाल मुझे हिसाब नहीं रहता
याद नहीं आता की कभी तुम मेरी याद में नहीं
तुम तो शायद हमेशा से मेरे साथ थे
अब मैंने तुम्हें ढूंढ लिया है
तुम मेरे साथ रहो न रहो, मुझे फिक्र नहीं
अब मैं तुम्हें जब चाहूंगी ख़ुद में पा लूंगी
मिल जाना यूँ ही हमेशा
क्योंकि तुम्हारा मिलना ही मुझे मेरा ख़ुद को पाना है
-------------13th Sept 1998---------------------
तुम यूँ ही देखते रहना मुझे
तुम्हारी आँखें आसमानी हैं
ये मुझे आकाश में उड़ने को कहती हैं
ऐसा लगता है मेरे दिल को तुमने भाप बना के उड़ा दिया है
वो ऊपर ही ऊपर उड़ता जाता ही
मेरे पास रहना ही नहीं चाह्ता
पर मुझे पता है
तुम जब चाहो मुझे देखोगे और मेरा दिल सिमट आएगा तुम्हारे पास
तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी धूरी हैं
चाहे जहाँ भी जाऊं मैं , केंद्र तुम ही रहोगे
----------14th Sept 1998-----------------------
Whats there so far away?
I want to touch it
I want to know what it is..
Thats what will take me away..from all the chains of this world
From the durdgery of the days
I lack the knowledge, I am thirsty for something
Is it my own soul..as naked as it was born
Untouched by the lies and deceit...
Or Is that you, shining so bright...in the abyss of my mind?
-------4th Feb 1999----------------------------------
मुझे क्यों मन करता है
तुम्हें अपने बचपन में ले जाना
जब मैं गुडियों से खेलती थी
जब मुझे रोज सपने आते थे
सपने जिनका कोई मायने नहीं होता था
सपने जो मुझे तब छू के जाते थे, जब मैं अपने घर की सीढियों पे बैठती थी
अपने आँगन के चबूतरे पे होती थी
वो सपने जिन्हें मैं खोना नहीं चाहती
मुझे क्यों मन करता है..
अपने हर दर्द को तुम्हें सुनाने का
वो दर्द जो कब के सो गए
वो दर्द जो शायद कभी थे ही नहीं.तुम्हें देखकर मेरे अन्दर वेग से उठते हैं
क्या तुम्हें पता है... मेरे दिल में एक नस है
जो धड़कती है..किसी आहट पे..किसी आवाज पे...किसी महक पे
तुम शायद उन सपनों, उस दर्द को नहीं छू सकते
पर फिर भी ...क्यों दिल करता है तुम्हें सब बताने का?

People don't change

I have come to realise one thing..people dont change.Incorrigible lovers will always be like that and calculating minds will remain so..

you can not transplant a heart where it does not belong..or you can not give O-ve blood to someone who has B+ve blood group

Similary you can not find passion where none lies and cant find stability of mind where tempers and passions are always flying high

And so, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a little crazy .I dont understand why I feel so happy one moment and so down the next

I have come to understand that what I expect or dream of people is solely based on what I can do for them..never considering their limitations

We're living in a "do-nothing" world... Where it doesn't matter so much as what you do, as long as you have the "right words" to justify your actions...

They no longer put liars and heart-breakers in jail !

I wonder if it wrong to be a child-like human, and right to be an emotionless God?

This turmoil within me sometimes tears every feeling within, and I cease to be what I ever used to be and wanted to be..

And as this Robbie Williams songs goes ..atuned to my heart's stirrings

"I just wanna feel real love

feel the home that I live in

'Cause I got too much life running thru my viens, going to waste

I scare myself to death That's why I keep on running

Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming"

"Tell me a story Where we all change,

And we'd live our lives together, And not enstranged "

Addu..my niece

My niece Addu..Advita Shekhar as she calls herself

She is a bundle of joy for me..and also of love

love in its unadulterated form..when you love just cos your heart wants to

not conditioned to what we should love..not borne out of any obligations

whenevr she comes near me..we both feel this surge of love which ends in a hug

sometimes when I am down and feeeling really low..I just want to hug her and she understands that..she gets to know that all I want to do is hug her and inspite of being a kid that she is, she lets me hold her without fretting and throwing tantrums

She was here for the weekend and I was feeling a little low one day, for no obvious reasons, and she was sitting next to me...I just wanted to hold her hand and she let me do that..she is so fidgity and restless most of the times(I guess most kids are) but she just held my hand and sat there...all this just at the age of 4 and half...

I guess its a bond..an unspoken one..between us..which makes me love her in an inexplicable way..and she reciprocates too

Songs...

We sisters were together over the weekend..and apart from all the gossip, dancing, merry making..we also have one evening full of songs....its an integral part of our get togethers..
And this time, one of Belu's friend was there, who is a semi-professional singer and Belu also sings with him in various programmes..

The whole set up was there..mike, guitar and people full of enthusiasm to sing..
And I realised, that songs have a strange way of uplifting humans(at least me)...

they uplift in their gaiety as well as in their sadness...
"दिल को समझाना कह दो तो क्या आसाँ है...दिल तो फितरत से सुन लो न बेईमान है..ये खुश नहीं है जो मिला..बस मांगता ही है चला..जानता है दिल की हर लगी का दर्द ही है बस एक सिला"..I hear this line and it feels like a part of me..and even if this line depicts sadness, it makes me smile and exhilirates me..cos of its capability to relate to my own senses..

Amongst all these beautiful songs my adorable niece comes

and says "Sumi mausi I want to sing ABCD on mike"..

and we let her do that..

I too make an attempt..inspite of Belu's dissuasions(She feels that anyone who does not sing professionally should not try to sing on mike...but I don't listen and always butt in)..I start off with "जाने दो ना, जाना जाने दो ना, मुझे तो जाने दो ना, छोड़ो बाहें मेरी मुझे तो जाने दो ना.. " not bad indeed!

Belu's friend sings quite well, though he has not learnt it..and is so passionate about it that his enthusiasm can get on to anyone...
Kishore..lata..shreya..we sing songs sung by all of them and many more..sometimes I am there and sometimes I am somewhere else...in my mind and heart..
"मोरा सैयां मोसे बोले ना.. " love this song by "Fuzon"...

And as the evening weaves a lot of forgotten scenes

in front of my eyes..I come to realise that good songs are

connection to your past and also an invitation to the future.

Driving or Dancing??!!

These days I started learning driving and I am at a total loss...

First of all, why in India have they made it so difficult to handle a car..coupled with horrible traffic and mad sense of direction?

The trainer tells me "Madam, press the clutch, put it on 1st gear and then release the gear slowwwllly...!"..
I try and the car halts...he smiles "You will fail Madam, you have to make it real slooww..try again"..and I hold my breath and try to release as slow as I can..
And my mind wonders...by the time I release it..someone will come from behind and bang the car..
He keeps telling me"Keep your feet on brakes and clutch always..change to 2nd gear at crossing..accelrate and then change gear.." OH GOD!

All this reminds me of my dance class, where a lot of precision was required...the movement of hands..the degree at which it should rise and synchronize it with footwork..

But the trainer also tells me "App aur madam logon se better drive karti hain"..this gives me some confidence..

I asked my brother in law if he learnt it from a trainer..he said he learnt it just like that...by driving with his brothers and then on his own..
I really think its a great deal for people to handle a car in India..he says a woman should buy an automatic car..manual one is not their cup of tea..hunh..my foot!I will drive..even if I break my car..but I have to conquer this road

All the best to me!

Things are fine

Everything will be fine...everything gets sorted out
this emptiness I feel today..will be filled with warmth soon
But until then..
Let me be grumpy..let me recoil
let me stare at the monitor..with my mind elsewhere
dont ask me questions..dont tell me what is good for me
Cos I know whats good for me right now..is to be this way

There is this longing and there is this ache
There's this place in me where memories rest

Its amazing how some people can turn their face into walls
How to take their heart..and turn it off
And amazing how I turn my head into a heart
And lose it all

To blog or not to!

Sometimes I wonder if its a good idea to blog..cos any tom, dick and harry can come and see what you write..comment on your inner feelings, which are sacred to you..judge you by their limited scope
Is it worth it to let yourself out in the open..for anybody to comment..who does not even understand the essence of you?
But then..whats my essence..and how can anyone who doesnt understand it, can violate it?
S/he can just see what I write..comment on that with his/her own perspective...
Does that touch my soul..does that invoke any feeling...does that make me ponder over anything?
I wish there were more eclectic peopke reading this blog..who would tell me if I were good or bad..or if I wrote anything of consequence...
The others...I can just omit..as I omit them from my life..

You deserved the best

Dint you always think.."I deserve the best"
The best school, the best college, the best friends and the best man
But sometimes life doesnt give you the best
Takes away little by little..to tell you..do not be too proud of what you are
Do not squander away what you have

But you did not pay heed..
you thought you have a non repleting treaure of everything
And even when you meet some frogs..your prince would come eventually

But the frogs kept coming, and you kept thinking..
"This is not my end,but just means to achiever the end"
And when there was no light at the end of the tunnel
You tried to make a frog into a prince

That never happened
Frog remained a frog, oblivious of being a frog
And you remanied a princess, with a frog

Now what should you do
Be a frog with a frog..or be a princess and leave the frog
Or the last option is, be a princess and still have the frog..to make you feel like a princess forever !!

We all need a good cry

That half full sentence..with a hint of love..yet shows disconcern
That half complete gesture, which wants to end in an embrace,

but seems to push aside
That sullen tone, which says..you are not part of my world
That undercurrent flowing in the vaccum which engulfs us..

Why have we become so? Why cant we show the love thats there within? Is it that when one feels a lot, one tends to show as little?

Years and ages ago..there was so much of innocence in us
The heart cried when it wanted ....and laughed with abandon
Deviced jokes to tell each other...narrated stories of the outer

and the within

Days and years went by, touching us..but never our souls

So why now this indifference?
why are the sentences laden with some hidden meanings?
And we stop in between, to let not the other person know it
But in an attempt to hide, we reveal more..

why do we bother about the money spent and how and on whom?
why do we want our own space, with our set of rules, never letting anyone close?

Have the years taught us to be what we are not and never wanted to be?

Dont you want to just pull my cheeks as you used to?
Hug me and feel the warmth spread across...as much as I do?

I know that part of me is still there..which was alive..which wanted the world
And I know you are the same
But in just brief moments, unknowingly, we become what we actually are

Maybe we need to think of us, eons ago
Maybe we need to call each others names more often..
Maybe I need to be..what I am right now while I write this
Maybe we need a good cry..

Dreams

Dreams are meant..to be told, not to be lived
To be shared with someone
who, you know, will see your dreams in the same form as they exist in your eyes
Who will know the pain and melancholy of moments captured in your heart,
You can see them taking a shape in the other person's eyes
Who will add colours to them, by relating to your unborn dreams
Then you feel as if you lived those dreams, by being with that one person
And sing all the songs unsung
As he knows all the words, even without you telling him

Have we forgotten the art of talking?

With due respect to all TV viewers and video games freaks..I somehow hate you all !
For you, the box in front of you has become the world and people around you are not worthy of any attention..
Now a days, relationships seem to be changing, the way people interact has changed so much

I remember my childhood, adoloscence and early youth..we were 3 sisters and 1 borther..and apart from studies, all we did was talk to each other..about any and everything under the sun
I still remember how early in the mornings we used to sit with a cup of tea in out terrace garden, with our father and talk about life, people, politics, science, family...

My mom would get angry for wasting early hours in the morning on talking...but in vain..
My father is an avid reader with a varied taste, from fiction to books on black hole...he has tremendous interest in anything which stimulates his intellect...we have got just a bit of it in us..wish we had more of that part of his in us(and less of the eccentric part :))
So sometimes we would all sit and he would read out some excerpt from any good novel he would be reading at that time..be it "Brothers Karmazov" by Dostovyesky or any scientific truth by Stephen hawking...
I guess these early years and such interactions had a lot of effect on me. .I always thought that people are together cos they want to share their thoughts, feelings and trivia..
Togetherness meant that for me..and in any relationship, thats what I craved for most

And now..talking is a thing one does when there is no electricity, when one cant watch TV or play video games..or when it is absolutley necesary..
I come home to the sound of keyboards clattering, surfing on the net, TV playing something in the background...
I wish someone would stop all this it and take a look at me, sit with me with a cup of tea, hum a song as the evening sets..
And even if we dont talk and there is nothing to say...I would love it if that annoying sound of technology is not blasting my brains

I dont have anything against TV shows, but somehow it has succeeded in changing mindsets of people who watch it, and it has made them depend on TV for everything..

TV is good to fight lonelienss...but it should not be there to make people lonelier..

Where are those people who used to have fun in just conversing, bantering, gossiping..As we grow do we become stoic?As if we can not or do not want to talk about anything?Don't we have any ideas we want to share or any feeling we want to dissect?Is all that needs to be spoken already over?

My wonderings and wanderings are yet to be answered.

This thing called "Suffering"

In my lifetime I have seen a lot of people..different kinds...
They differ in their emotions, the way they react to their emotions,

the way they build a wall around themselves
I guess we need to do that in self defense, cos we are all scared of being

too vulnerable by virtue of what we are..
We can not let the other person know the real us, cos we feel

that letting others see as we are ,would let us open to all sorts of hurt,

will let the world see our weaknesses and use it.
And another danegerous trait is that of seeking attention,

love and adulation..AND when one is not loved as one wants to be,

one is not the cynosure of all eyes..outcomes are disastrous.
Love and attention is like an intoxication.

People bask in the glory and tend to become something else under the influence of such toxins. They try to be what others want them to be, fit into their pharma, try to live up to what is expected of them, without knowing if they really want to be like that.
This fear in people, of losing attention, of losing control on others and eventually of becoming unimportant to others, rules the way they behave.
Off late I realised that sometimes people cash onto their suffering also, just to get what they can not otherwise.
They build a monument of their suffering, talk of emotions and sentimentality, as if its a virtue! And in this "self-justified" monument, they reside as Gods and Godesses and assess all and sundry based on how others provide offerings to them. Thier sense of right and wrong is based solely on what they get from others.
Every act of theirs is justified cos they have been doomed...and whatever worng they do people say "Its the situation that made them like that"..
Recently I was reading "Razor's Edge" by Somerset Maughm, that people are always what they are, situation just brings out that dormant part in them..I agree to it mostly
But then what are people without situations? When we are happy in someone's company, its not just that one person who contributes to the happiness..the environment and surroundings also contribute to that..and when we remember that moment later, we also rememebr the music played, the smell in the air, the way sun shone and the touch of the wind..

Somehow I tend to digress from what I started to write..and I forget what I was writing about..and get confused in my own mesh...
Same has happened now...Now I try to bring this peice of writing to a conclusion..but in vain..so be it :)

Ma is here

ma abhi aayi hui hai mere paas..hamesha ki tarah bahut saari baatein, shikayatein or hansi saath leke
ma jab bhi aati hai, papa din mein 10 baar call karte hai..and I get so irriatted by that...cos when ma is there, he does not bother to spend much time with her...always busy in playing chess on net, or trying to upload some video..basically everything to do with interent..he is like a child..he gets to know something new and tries it to his heart content..forgetting the whole world
But when ma is here...he would call her to share smallest possible thing...complain to her about maids...gossip about family..he gets jealous about what we two must be talking about..what fun we might be having?
I find it so funny..and sometimes I shout at him for calling and disturbing her so often..
Ma's presence is so comforting..in all her innocence and hopes for a perfect world..I find her so naive and sometimes that irritates me too...irritable person that I am

kal raat hum ma ke saath jab so rahe the..she was filling me with stories..pata nahin kiske baare mein...and more than the story..i liked the soothing lilting voice of hers filling the room..kuch bhoola bisra sa yaad aa raha tha..gungun sa kamra...hanste log..heart full of hope..the lost innocence....

The "absolute happiness"

I am in Hyderabad these days...almost completely alone, inside my room. Loneliness seems to have become a part of me, so ingrained that sometimes I don't even want to come out of it.

And this makes me think if happiness changes its face over course of time and finally happiness and sadness become one...?!I feel what makes me happy, makes me sad too..for example thinking of old days..brings a smile..and that very instant a pang grips my heart..

This frivolity of time and space..I wonder if there is anything like "absoulte happiness"?
When I was a kid, I thought growing up would be so much fun and that would make me happy, when I entered youth, I thought maybe that mysterious, inevitable "love" would happen now and make me happy, and when I loved I thought maybe someone else would make me happy...this endless pursuit of happiness and this perrenial question of "what now..what next" torments one always...
Read a lot of things on happiness and finally figured out..source of happiness is within me..and whenevr I want..I can make it come to the surface..its somewhere deep within me...
I just have to go deep down in the recess of my heart and bring that happiness out..I have done that before and I can do that always
My mom worries about me and when will I marry!And I contemplate as to why is it so important to be with someone who is not your own self..your mirror image
I see my sisters and bother married and wonder if they are happy always?Arent there moments in their lives when they are torn by emotions which are better not said and thought?Dont they go through that feeling of despair and loneliness which they can't share with their spouses?

So I think, sometimes I have my lonely days and nights and then my freedom, which maybe my siblings dont have..and also this hope that I will get that "absolute happiness" some day

Everything lies within me

I am what it makes this universe
I am the truth and I am the lie
I am the beauty and the ugliness
I am the past and the present..and the future
So let me live..and celebrate the world
By my living..the whole universe lives
you live too...
don't kill the very essence of my being..
cos by doing so..you would kill a part of yourself

Parents

When I was young I used to be scared of my mom more than my father. She always stood for everything that was right..and my father used to pamper us(or maybe he was too much in his own world to bother about our mischeifs)

We were 4, quite a bunchful for anyone to drive them nuts...so were my poor parents many a times (and other times they were drivng us crazy)


I remember at times when Papa would get sick of my bad behavour, he used to say "I will tell your Ma when she gets back home"..which, to this date, I find very funny. He just could not and did not want to deal with us.

But when it came to academics..I always wanted to do as my father wished..and keeping up to his expectations was always my motive. My smallest accomplishments were complete only when I saw just a gleam in his eyes (he has never been too vocal about his feelings..and so aren't the rest of us)

Now that I have grown up.. I wonder do I think of all that now? Do I wish to be right in my mom's eyes or intelligent for my father..and I am amzed at how things change as you grow

Now all my fears and anxieties "from" them are "towards" them..is it because with each new generation the older generation's thoughts and views become outdated..and what they think does not affect the newer generaiton?

Sometimes my mom looks scared of us..she does not know if she is right anymore..she chooses her words to talk to us..and tries to pamper us all the time...I might not acknowledge it all the time and might get irked by her many times..but in the essence of it..lies a vulnerable woman who does not know if her morals, principles and views hold true anymore

In some novel by milan kundera I read that "the daughter was agitated about something and was vehemently telling this to her father. And her father, more than agreeing/disagreeing with her, was deriving the enegry of youth emnating from her. He felt rejuenated, cos the fact that the younger generation still considered him worthy enough to speak their mind to him, energized him and he felt somehow he belonegd to this new generaiton." So true, yet so pitiable.


We all want to be young forever..and give in to folllies of the youth again, if it was possible..cos youth grants everything..makes everything permissible..

But the stregnth of youth is not to make the older generation look weaker..and if it does, its the duty of the youth to make them feel a part of them

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone


So if their hearts are us, outside their bodies, then what makes them different from us...we are what they are..and each of our accomplishments is theirs!

This is to tell you ma and papa..wherver I go...however much I fight with you...you would always be my priority in life...and any love in this world is not comparable to what I feel for you..cos I know you cant love anyone more than you love me!

My spirits..

My spirits...
dont rise today..
dont fly up,above and over me
don't make me lose my mind..
the little wanderings in my heart...hush and sleep
Cos..
awakening is catastrophic
it makes me lose myself...to the devastating senses
which prevail after the conscience dies
I give in to my madness for life..this thing that ticks inside me day and night
and I regret it..when the madness dies
So my dear spirits...be calm and gentle
make me sedate and wise..
worldy and let me me rise
So,for me to rise..my spirits
you will have to die!

Hi to all who come to visit my blog...I heard a lot about blogging and now I am motivated enough to create a one fo myself...it used to be my diary to pen my thoughts and now it will be this blog(barring some/lots of personl stuff I wouldnt write to anyone)

“I want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regrets” ~DH Lawrence