I might be glorifying you in my mind, but that was meant to be

We never held hands like usual couples, neither of us were the mushy kinds. But you would go overboard with disgust for couples who did all that, around us. Your face bore such expressions of annoyance in them, if we saw a couple feeding one another with their hands or something like that.
And I could never understand your extreme loathing towards anything which had any semblance to intimacy.Maybe by showing your utter disgust for such things,you were dismissing something soft and sweet inside you.

But when I hummed a song while making tea in the kitchen, you would reduce the volume of TV to hear me. And if even then you could not, you would ask me "क्या गा रही हो? जोर से गाओ ना.." (What are you singing, please sing a little louder)

Did you know I felt so unstitched in front of you after that, a warm feeling would sweep all over me..no one has asked me to sing ever, noone has showed interest in something which is not my forte
Yet I would continue in my low volume, acting nonchalant

You would never call me anything other than my bare first full name, in its most correct way
Never "Sweets" or "Baby"
But You would do it with other women, friends or flirt-buddies, I had heard and seen you doing that, but never with me

I was always the woman beyond words of endearment to you

Other men have used those words on me, from most sublime to most obnoxious
But noone ever called my name the way you did..it still rings in my ears sometimes and makes me feel whole

But when we spoke to each other, we never knew which words are to be emphasized, where do the punctuations lie...
Our words just flew around when we were together
Spilling...from me to you and you to me
In its inarticulate form , in its uncouth raw form

I never knew what you liked about my face, or if you found me pretty. Men have had exotic words for my eyes, lips, hair and body..but never you


But then you would sometimes say something like this offhandedly: "Where is that black top of yours? The one you wore last Friday and your hair was swept back tightly in a ponytail. Dint see you wearing it after that?"


You never realized but just there in that moment,you splashed a pretty rainbow in the trajectory of my life. A rainbow I can go and grab anytime.
Why wouldn't that black shirt become my favorite?
I don't tie my hair like that often anymore

We never went thru the stage of infatuation, of dreaminess and flitting glances in a room full of people..we were always where 2 people are, after being comfortable with each other.
The first flush of love gone long past, yet the thirst un-quenched.

Yet when every Thursday, in-spite of all our fights, you would message me "कहीं चलें?" (Shall we go somewhere?). And that would always make me feel all is well with the world, everything is in its place and I can be saved

But I would keep saying "No", though knowing that eventually we will be out on the streets like vagabonds, excavating our past and future

I remember those winters as summers of my life

When you left on 8th October 2004, and we had a spell of no communication for 2 months(though we saw each other daily), you came by my desk and shook my hand, hesitated for a moment as if you wanted me to come along with you somewhere...far away

I dint even look at you, you murmured something, I ignored and you left

Then I blankly stared at the monitor, numb with a feeling of umbilical chord being cut again and again
And I wondered..what is it that you gave me, when you denied me the very nuances of love?

मैं सारी रात कतिया कतिया करून ..
..नचदी फिरूं , टपदी फिरूं, कीली मैं नपदी फिरूं
हद करूं, हद करूं, हद करूं.....
यारा बुल्ले लुटिया करूं , लुटिया करूं, लुटिया करूं
मैनूं डर हुन नइयो जगदा , तेरे लिए हुन जीयु ते मरूं

(I will spin your cotton..I will do anything for you
the whole night
I keep jumping, dancing
I nab the sticks
I reach the limits, the limits
Beloved, I am enjoying myself
I am not afraid anymore of the world
I will live and die for you)

This song and this scene irrevocably reminds me of my days with you

Though I never kept my head on your shoulders, or held you from behind...and you always had that grievance with me



I dont know how many sat behind your bike after me, how many kept their heads on your shoulder, but I do know one thing, with gut wrenching certainty, that you would look for me in each one of them..as I keep doing that..and tuck you inside my heart, like a sweet dish which is to be relished till everything else is gone long away

I might be glorifying you in my mind, but that was meant to be...

I dont know if I believe in God

Cos when I hear or read people who talk of God, there is either too much of agony or too much or ecstasy

I dont feel either..
Do I feel serenity? I dont know..
But I do know I am not a disbeliever
I am not an atheist..cos such terms only define what one wishes to define about oneself

So sometimes my faith in God, in moderation, leaves me bewildered as to what do I expect from him/her?

Oh these fathers..I tell you!

A question to all you women, whether you also have experienced this one thing, which is very common amongst all young fathers of cute toddlers.
I will explain what that thing is now.

I am very wary of it..

I love kids to an obsessive edge. These sweet looking things, engrossed in their own world, invite you into theirs..and I enter it without abandon
It does not matter whose kid it is, my sister's, or maid's, or complete stranger's I see on the streets

But sometimes it becomes a nuisance. Cos my liking is pretty vocal and I go out of my way at times, which can lead to unwanted repercussions.

For example, when you try to ogle at a cute one in a mall, without knowing that you are giving the young father(who might be carrying the child) this feeling that you might be ogling at him. And they would start petting their kid, like a show business, to maybe gain your attention

If you see a child alone in a park and try to sweet-chat him/her, the father will suddenly develop extreme fondness for his kid at the same time and in the disguise of love for his own child, would try to start some small talk with you(provided wife is not in sight, or even if she is, this is such a harmless act, isn't it?)

So many a times I check myself before I go overboard with my emotions.

The floor where I live in my apartment, has kids, between the age group of 2-10, in each house, except mine. I usually dont mix much with anyone there, as for most part of the day I am not home. Another thing why I dont mix is cos a single woman is seen as a threat by many married women, so I try avoiding any such animosity and keep to myself.

There is this extremely cuddly 2 year old, and one day when I came out of my flat to go for work, I saw him playing with a ball near my door. I also noticed that his house door, which was straight down the alley from my door, was open and his father was sitting there watching him.

So I just moved towards the lift, without pulling his cheeks, which I felt like.
But I hid behind the wall to see this kid's adorable antics.

He was kicking the ball with his legs, and then getting baffled at how the ball moved away and then running behind it. Each time he came close to the ball, his feet would somehow kick it, and ball would go rolling, and the kid would run behind it with a bewildered and frustrated face, as he was trying to catch the ball.

At one point, the kid looked so deliciously sweet that I forgot the father was watching him from his door and came out of my hiding place to play with the kid.

And lo and behold, this act of mine was like a trigger or stimuli for the father. Seeing me, he got up from his seat and started moving towards the kid.

I had couple of seconds to think of my next move, before the father reached me and the kid.
I stood transfixed for a moment.
There was a tug of war between my liking for the kid and my distaste for the unnecessary interaction with the father(which I anticipated based on my experience).

But my distaste won, I did an about turn, and without waiting for the lift to reach, ran down the stairs.

Marriage...

...is just a decision

Not driven by love, or passion
But just a desire to bring sanity to waywardness of your being

To bring equilibrium in the world, which might go haywire cos of your wanderings

Your scavenger heart would try to feed on innocent preys, Seeking, prodding, validating
Marriage might formalize a prey for you to do that

Both heart and mind needs to be hushed at times, this is what yoga has taught me
To attain balance..

So I will let this thought drive me henceforth, in any of my decisions

With just this hope :
           That my heart will remember to breathe,
           Undulate on its own momentum and beat
           ...Look for you in the mundane and extraordinary
           Keep a wish alive and throbbing, every day
           Hold on feverishly to a part of me, to that woman of desires
           Irrespective of a life, which is meant to happen

Impermeable me

I have become impermeable.
By dictionary definition it means "Not admitting of passage or capable of being affected".

Nothing touches me: sorrow, joy, love

Nothing people say or think about me affects me.
I am a know-all.

If you tell me I am too quiet, I will tell you, you are too loud
If you tell me I am snooty, I will think you have an inferiority complex

If you try giving me advice, I will find it banal and look in the other direction, waiting for you to stop speaking
If you say you care for me and hence the advice, I will doubt your whole ancestry

I am filled to the brim with wisdom, some collected and some crafted
I reek of notions, believes and myself

I wish someone could drill a hole in my brain, take out all undeserving and unwanted rotting intelligence

And I can lay supine for a while, vulnerable and impressionable

Sadistic?

I believe in clearing the air, in case of any discord I have with anyone
I prefer speaking all thats in my mind, and ask all the questions, to give me a ground to evaluate my next step

Even if it puts me in a bad light, I prefer that situation much better than the one where there is some under current between two people, all the time
I suck at playing roles, and in situations like these, one has to play a role

But off-late I realized that sometimes(specially when you feel you are the wronged one) its better to leave the air grim
Cos if you try reasoning with the other person, you give them a chance to come clean!

Even if they are dead wrong, they can talk their way out of that situation, off load any tiny-weeny bit of guilt that they might have had, and then walk away with a smirk

Cos they have done what they wanted to, and have done away with the onus of it too, by just talking and using the right words

So its better to let that seething anger within you remain just there, give air to it and let it reach the other person in right measures
Don't open all the chapters. Leave a room for a small bit of discomfort, which might be caused to the other

Sadistic...is it?