ये दिल ये पागल दिल मेरा
क्यों बुझ गया .. आवारगी


इस दश्त में इक शहर था वो क्या हुआ... आवारगी           

My kind of man

This man fascinates me so much that I could watch a crappy movie like "Runaway bride" for nth time yesterday

Is it the way he looks at Julia Roberts when she wears that
wedding gown..the look in his eyes..which makes me want to see that scene again and again ?

Richard Gere
- He stands for everything I miss in a man..everything I never had

The gravity, the grace, the mystery..and something unexplainable

Its as if he will hold me if I fall, he will charm me and be charmed by me..he will speak of things which I want to hear...
And most importantly he will listen to what I have to say (a quality so rare in men)..
He will be interested in me..the way I want someone to be interested in me
- he stands for all these possibilities and more :)

(But I gave him some negative marks when he did that stunt with Shilpa Shetty..I mean HER of all the people!

Why do such intriguing men pull up such stupid stunts?)

The way to success is scary..

As you go up the ladder ,the step just below the last one is removed
And you are treading on a base-less string of stairs to success

So the descent is never one at a time
As all the below steps are gone

So all you can do once you reach the top is either stay there
Or fall in the abyss

Jo barse spaney boond boond..nainon ko moond moond

Was watching "wake up sid" on tv a couple of days back, which brought back a flood of memories..

My US stay and this room-mate cum frined cum the sole person I moved around with in the US

And strangely, there is a strinking resemblence between Ranbin Kapoor and the guy in question

Plus the age difference too..exactly the same !

The story of how all this came about is wierd,long winded but the gist is, we were together for clsoe to a year...

I cant say if I remember that time with much fondness or that person, but there is a part of you you leave behind with eveyrone you meet
He wasnt a bad person, but there were too many lies tumbling down my face all the time, in smallest possible thing, that I could not take it anymore

At times I was scared to even ask questions which might open up pandora of lies...

well we win some we lose some..so for me, this US stay with him was memorable cos of him

Our San diego sea world trip, disneyland, discs and all the salsa dance classes

All this would not have been possible without him and I am thankful to him for making my US stay comfortable and memorable

Some excerpts from the movie were so similar!

The way Ranbir pulls Konkana along with him in the morning, when they are getting late...I was the one perpetually getting late in the mornings and he would shout out for me and pull me along..

Decorating our house on christmas(he being a catholic) the way she decorates her house...

His perpetully messing up kitchen and throwing things around and my irrtation and shoutings, whenever I got back home..but it was a nice feeling to get back home to him

Dont know if he rememebrs any of it..but I have a good memory..sadly

So many memories flipped thorugh, when I saw this movie

Jo naina karoon band band......beh jaye boond boon

Airtel live!

I hate Airtel services, not the network but the customer care and their billing system.

I had to bear a brunt of it so many times.

Considering that everything I have is from AIRTEL, its a big mess at times.
I have airtel mobile connection + airtel digital TV + airtel landline and broadband.

And now I had to get rid of the broadband cos of some stupid reason like they don't have network in certain area, while BSNL can provide the same network anywhere.

I hate BSNL for different reasons, but then airtel has a very unethical billing system

Many a times I have seen the bills bloated, sometimes I was charged while I was not even in the country and later after a lot of calls and headache, I got it corrected.

The customer care gives some information and later they defy it.

I could pull a few string earlier, cos my bro-in-law was at a very high post in airtel, and could get my job done within hours. But now he has quit, much to my dismay.

My reason for latest agony arose when I paid a huge amount as safe custody for my landline connection, while my connection was actually disconnected and they are not able to re-activate it.

After some idiotic calls with customer care where they did not understand a thing and I had to repeat the same story 10 times, I finally went to the airtel office personally.

Even there, people gave me dumb looks as they dint have any answer to what had happened.

I was so distressed and out of my wits, that I started helping the bystanders with their issue :)

There was this guy before me, who was a little demure and timid kind and was checking about some deposit he had given.

The guy - "I had given the deposit but now you are not able to give me back the connection so I need the deposit back"

Customer care person - "So we need the modem back sir"

Guy - "But I told you that there was a theft my place and the thief took away lots of stuff along with modem"

Customer care - "But sir, we need it"

The guy is looking confused and pathetic

I butt in -"Can you tell me the price of modem?"

Customer care gives me a stare and tell in a confused tone -"Its 800 ma'am"

I - "Then can you deduct that amount from deposit and give him back the remaining amount?"

The customer care guy is looking amused by now and the demure guy is gaining some confidence and talking little more harshly by now.

add - "And I too have your modem and the phone set, so if you don't give me back my money, I am keeping both!"
- I sounded so childish even to myself :)

All this while I knew I was acting funny but could not stop, such things make me so mad!

Transitions

I remember as a teenager all the new things happening to me were so tied with my sisters..

It was as if everything became more meaningful, more eventful, more interesting..just cos I had them to share it with me..

If a guy proposed, if something funny happened, if something made me sad...this thought always came first to me "Oh..I have to go and tell them about this"..it always played at the back of my mind in everything

If I was watching TV and something made me laugh,turning around and laughing with them added more charm to what I was watching..

But recently, anything new just stays with me..this thought never occurs to me..is it called growing up..or growing apart?

Makes me confirm my childhood conviction, that all of us are alone..no-one ABSOLUTELY NOONE can reach a level of togetherness with anyone else but oneself..not even a lover or a spouse

There will always be a part of you which you can not share with anyone..a part of which you would feel no-one can understand..
A part of you which is so much your own that you would begin to love it as your own secret...even if its unpleasant

She is always pressed for time..always
She can not afford to concentrate on anything anymore
Everything is fleeting..

Maybe cos she believes in life being fleeting and wants to grasp all that she can
Or maybe..nothing registers for a moment longer in her mind

She rushes through the day...always thinking what lies ahead..whats next to be done..whats next to combat

If she is at work..she is thinking of household things..if watching tv..she is juggling between laptop and tv..trying to grab both..but doesn't seem to register either

So today, when she was hurrying in front of the mirror..getting ready to go out..something in her eyes caught her..her own image...

Maybe what caught her attention was the innocence in her eyes..which she thought she had lost..

And she wondered..when was the last time she felt so beautiful..and could not remember
A long long time ago

A moment again

I want one moment of all that again

Of seeing you for the first time
Of feeling the butterflies in my stomach
Of letting go of restraints...and of loving once again

I remember the grace, I remember the look
You enchanted me..and took me away
To a moment of bliss, to a moment my own
You held me up..

I might forget you..I might forget what we had
But I wont forget how you made me feel
when you touched, the me within me

When all is gone..whats left?
The beautiful you and the beautiful me...

That arm around me..that lip on my lips
The touch of your hand..and the quivering me...

Lets not be friends..lets not be foes
But be lovers..for a while..if you please

I am so doing it again!

Calling her 10 times in a day for nothing, feeling zombied, every other minute my thoughts going to her

Ma is leaving tomorrow..

There are things I want to undo, harsh words I want to erase, indifference I want her to forget
And all this, cos I love her to bits and I don't know any other way to show it

But I also know, things will be the same..I will continue to get irritated, and she will continue to be the same...and I have accepted to live with it..I just need to soften my edges and mould them..to not cut her apart..as I do sometimes

Slowly I have come to realize that she is made of stronger stuff than I

I don't know Ma how you can still be so rock solid inside..when I am so scattered
How you continue to hold your views and opinions so doggedly..while mine gets lost in my ever changing moods

I see myself in you sometimes, and you in me
I see those insecurities, which are part of me too and I want to protect you from them
But in order to protect..I hurt!

I have no clue how to put this together, what I feel, those little things..little moments..

Every weekend you would ask me.."where do we go today"..we roamed around the city looking for things for my new place..
Every day you would think of new things to buy for my place..specially for the kitchen (which is your most favorite place and mine least)..
The sweetness with which you suggested how to make my place more beautiful

I felt like I have a doll-house and we are playing a game of decorating it..

I know you will be back soon..but for now I will be getting back to an empty house again!