To be or not to be

Is it possible not to exist for some days, as in choose a day in the week when you dont want to exist

Non-existence- Don't confuse it with being at home and lying around and not doing anything

Its like being wrapped in a vacuum bubble, where nothing changes, nothing in the world, the world thats mine

Aaru and I both, no therapies, no physical tasks, no supplements to worry about
And that day should not count at all in history, its not a day wasted

When the whole day I tire myself with thoughts of what next to do, what next to accomplish and I hit on a spot where I feel numb by the end of the day and just vaguely wonder..if only tomorrow did not come

But tomorow I want to exist, as tomorrow is the day I began my existence :)

Law of diminishing returns

We keep diminishing ourseves, in our minds and in our thoughts..

We feel that what we were earlier was an immatured, childish , stupid version of us

Oh that maverick thought, that juvenile desire, that frivolous dream..life is more than all that..above that

We killed it all!

Each time we rubbished ourselves, we kept thinking this is the way life was ought to be...

But what we dint realise in the process is that we lost something very basic and beautiful about us

Moments of God

Every morning I like to grab all things auspicious

I sit down with my lemon tea and smell it deep...trying to breathe in bits of pleasure

I savor my son's half baked smile..when he is half awake and smiles like a dream
Sleepy yet trying to return my false exuberance

And I sing for him "Say hello to the Sun..shining down on me"

I pay my attention to Ma's chit chat..Ma who has been with me..my only solace and punching box in the last 2 years..

I try to do my part of the work in the morning, trying to keep my heart light
Pumping in energy by trying to steal it from Aaru..No No..not steal, but multiply

Then we all sit down. Aaru eats, Ma feeds and I sit on the side having tea and whatever is left of the morning's beauty

I call these moments of my life now..moments of God..
When s/he is holding me upright to combat the rest of the day

Who knows what the day would bring in?

Nadir

I feel like I am falling down in an abyss daily
It's not a free fall, a free fall would hurt less

But with my eyes wide open I am getting rubbed against each debris around me
Gathering all the dirt and pain
The lies and deceit, the web of master strokes people weave around you
Catching you off guard

People who were supposed to protect and shield you..

Sometimes I wish I could blind fold myself and have a free fall.. 
At least have the exhilarating sense of speed

But that's not a luxury I am entitled too

So I watch and get hurt... Knowing well and sure that one day I am about to hit the base
Not sure anything in me would remain by the time I reach my nadir!

We are epics..if we choose to be

I am a scavenger
I like to dig into people, know them like no one else could have ever known them

Fears they lived, stories untold
Laughter brazen...shyness unfold

The magic each of us is, the epic we all are made of

We were born with souls of lost mermaids
And the spirit of sea ghosts, we never ever saw

Though at times...the mermaid and the sea ghost lives in me
And in those moments
I want to hush the sound of every other being

And close my eyes to those sounds..from far away sea..
A sea whose waves splash inside me

My beautiful

Are we meant to feel stupid and frivolous for the smallest bit of euphoric feeling we have had in our lives

Feel silly for those pockets of our moments which felt like dream..or like a feeling we knew we would cherish forever!

Just cos it was not meant to last..or it did not last in-spite of our efforts to make it last?

I love the small in all of it...I yearn for such tiny things in people that I could die to just hear "are you home?" said in a way which makes me feel as if home is all around me..home is in the person who asks me that question in the most delicious tone

I feel we all bask in something special we did in our lives...something which could not be part of us forever..even if the person we experienced it with is part of it all

Its not just a lover

I feel the big in the night I spent with a close cousin getting high on rum and coke till 7 A.M
I find the beautiful in my birthday that my friends in B.I.T spent some 20 years back for me, just me blowing the candles

The beautiful, the grand is just a sparkle..in the canvas of life
You just got to recognize seek and cherish it

Start light..star bright

This feeling to be close to nature is coming so strong these days
Don't know, if it has to do with my Aaru?

Its the fact that I want him to witness all things beautiful and grand in this life and universe
....and nature is the grandest of it all..
..the waterfalls, the butterfly-filled garden and most of it...STAR LIT SKY

I keep downloading nursery rhymes for him(I learnt so many cos of him and he is so addicted to me singing it to him) and there is this one which goes
"Star light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight"

There is this panda opening a window, all big eyed and running out into the field, looking at start, climbing a ladder sky high to touch the stars, meeting birds on the way

I just found it so close to my heart, yet so out of reach..mysterious and shrouded in some memory from another life

I have seen the moon and stars lying on my back on my terrace and sleeping through the night on the terrace
Watching stars, tracing the question mark(constellation) and each time being overwhelmed by a sense of victory on finding it and also marveling at it

I wonder if I could give the same childhood to Aaru..I show him pictures of moon but struggle to show him real moon from the apartment

The nature in its richness and beauty is an answer to so many things, if only I could go close to it and experience the bliss

Rain, stars, sea, the roar..ocean ...beauty beauty beauty in abundance
Every single part of nature, has the capacity to take you away from mundane and the pain

I wish some day..some day soon...I could show the real stars to Aaru..which he so sweetly shows me with his hand movements