The same old feeling

I felt very friday-ish today.
Picked up a harem-pant and short top to go to work.
I usually dont go this casual to work.

My hair is mostly let loose, but for some reason I felt like doing something different.
Put on earring and tied a plait.

I looked at myself in the mirror and felt different too. I felt I was 20 again. A refreshing feeling swept over me

I mostly dont remember how I felt when I was younger, I dont even remember what it felt to be me, a year back

So sometimes I play a game with myself, of role-play
I play my own role, to myself, from some other era
And believe me you, the moment I step into that role, I feel exactly the same
its as good as being in those times again

I felt the same pride in myself, a little coquettish, a little elusive, a little flirty , a little bit of drama-queen

I had a spring in my feet, I tilted my head in that same familiar way

So today, I spoke a little more, laughed and joked a little out of my character, with people around me and saw surprise on their faces

I could smell fragrance of old times around me
I could force pores and nerves of my heart to open up different chords, the ones I hadn't in a long time

I could wire up strings inside me in the wrong-most way, to get the right-most feeling
God lets me play such tricks at times

And all this just cos I felt like feeling it
Its easy to switch back in time, if I decide to.

I thought of picking only the good today
Discarding any vile feeling
I will pick up a smile on the way

On days like these, I will make a life, of my favorite picks

Life outage

Sometimes I dont feel like writing
Cos my best words are always swallowed in my mind, before time

And the moment I begin to write
Its just mediocrity which flows
UN-impressive and UN-inspiring
So I clamp up

This thing, coupled with internet outage at my place has made me write less here
To top it, even at work today there was no network for an hour

I felt crippled for sometime..

It was like I cant do a thing without the net
Strangely for other inconsequential stuff also my mind kept telling me : this cant be done since there is no net
For stuff like going out and getting myself a cup of coffee

I have to be either in front of the system or Tv Or in some transit
To feel life is moving

Else its a shutdown of life.

When we wish others on their success
when we congratulate them
when we feel happy for someone finding true love

we have a tiny wish that a part of their happiness falls on us
we soak ourselves in their gaiety
And hope to steal...
A bit of their flowing happiness
Into ours..

And that makes us happy enough to feel happy for them

Many a times..
We revel in others' moment of glory

Single and Independent

I have been hospital-hopping for the last 2 days. I have visited 3 doctors and 2 hospitals in a span of 2 days.

Its not a survey I am doing, but as usual my stomach. I had to miss my Pondicherry trip cos of this. That trip which I had forced others to plan with me and finally I had to drop out

And whats the consequence of all those blood tests etc ? - "Essentially Normal". As usual, which we found even 2 years back

Its some mysterious undiagnosed thing, which burns me out completely.

And sometimes its conversations with some doctors which ticks me off!

Here is one with one of the doctors I met yesterday:-
"Whats your age"
I tell my age
"Single or married"
I - "Single"
He - "I admire your independence"

Strange isnt it? That a woman of certain age, and single is perceived as independent. As if, its something commendable.

Which age are we still in?

So how about a man who can still be ten years elder than me and a bachelor? Yet no one would say the word "independent" for him. Being single for a man is ordinary and routine thing, but for a woman an achievement?

Men can survive without a woman, but a woman doing it attaches a label to herself "independent","admirable". I find it so funny and hypocritical!

I think a man as much needs a woman, as a woman needs a man

And about the doctor, he was least interested in any of my issues but kept asking me personal questions. When I mentioned that I need medicines for some issue, he would scribble some medicine in the prescription and continue asking me weird questions.

He gave me a big lecture on why I should stop alcohol and he also got into chemical formulae of how alcohol is made!!

Thankfully my cousin was there so he could not continue with his questions but has called me again this Saturday,maybe to discuss my love-life.

I dont think I will go, cos I dont need to learn anything from a man who isnt treating me for my disease but trying to psyche me.

I think I know much better about life than such male doctors who show unnecessary and unethical interest in their female patients.

I read this quote somewhere, is that true?

“She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..”
           ~ Masashi Kishimoto

Je ne sais quoi

She cuddled herself and es-consed in a comfortable position with a book in her hands. Thats her favorite position, knees huddled in hands.

Specially in a train, she prefers no other business than reading and eventually sleeping. Sleeping does not come easy, but she waits for it. Till then she reads, as if reading is the last thread to hold on to, in life.

She abhors speaking to anyone while traveling. She likes being alone in her journey. All puns intended.

"Get the F*** out of here" - She suddenly hears this, from someone sitting right in front of her. It sounded like a very young guy. 22-23 maybe.

She usually hates people using the F word in front of a woman, so she buried herself deeper in her book, and wished the night came soon and she could go off to sleep and dint have to bear any small talk from anyone.

She is a bit of a recluse

"Are you working with Satyam?" - Its the same young guy's voice, but seems like its directed towards her.

She very reluctantly raises her head from her book, hoping its not for her.

But he is looking directly at her, and she cant but notice that he is strikingly good looking.

"Yes" - is her reply

She has learnt one thing in her life, about how to be around strangers(read it men).
- Do not say much, to show that they can ask you more and get comfortable with you.

- But at the same time, do not show disdain and aloofness, cos that arouses more dangerous and unwonted behavior from them, which she did not want to deal with.

So a "Yes" is what she thought appropriate and what she could muster.

He found it little wired that she dint even bother to know why and how he guessed that.
"Would you not like to know how I guessed that?" - He probed.

She quizzically looked at him, without saying anything

"Its the bag with the company's logo next to you. I was surprised when you said just a Yes. I felt that you looked the kind who would sarcastically say : Cant you see the bag? But looks like you don't bother" - He added with a smile.

She noticed he looked adorably vulnerable with that smile.Very unaware of its effect too

She then mentally tried to form an image of her, as to how she appeared to him at this moment.

She was in her Capri, and a t-shirt. Her hair was tied in a french braid. There was no make-up on, as it is with her in train journeys.

She does not expect much action and tries to prevent it too.

But this guy was different, he intruded without a sign of encouragement

People told her that she looked good with her hair loose.
She un-knowingly loosened her hair, and tilted her head in a way which gave the best profile shot of hers. The dimple shown generously and a soft jawline.

But the very next moment she was irritated with herself, for such a display of attention seeking behavior from her side

She pulled her hair back in a stern bun again, and slumped her head in the most ungracious way. Hoping to combat all her earlier efforts to look attractive.

She never thought herself to be someone who needed to seek attention from a man and this behavior of hers put her in a bad light, not to anyone but to herself and she needed to obliterate that.

She threw a glance his way, just to be assured that he was not noticing any of these changes.
But to her dismay she found him staring at her, not like a lecherous guy ogling at a woman but as someone who was trying to figure her out

And she knew the exact thoughts that might be going in his mind..
"God, She is so mysterious!"

She knew thats the impression she made on most people, in the very first meeting.

She could never fathom what men felt was mysterious about her? They thought she is reticent, and does not like to mix with people
But did they know she was always an amalgam of confusion, who was so caught in her own mesh of thoughts, that others cease to exist for her at times.
Is this what they they found mystifying?

But they dint know if something dint consume her, it dint interest her.

If she did not find a reason to laugh at their banal jokes, she would give back a stare, which they found profound?

She liked men in control, but they moment they tried controlling her, she would slip away..was that dis-concerting?
She could love a song to bits, yet hate it to its core..both together..did that make her inaccessible?

She dint know the answers, yet she knew people found her mysterious
Which made her shiver within, what is it that they found unfathomable, when she could get herself?
Was the inaccessible in her, her strength?

She was quite sure of such thoughts in his mind
YET, she did not know ONE thing

He knew exactly what was going on in her mind.
He knew she was wondering what makes her mysterious, he knew she could not grasp her own attractiveness

Yet there he was..

Falling in an abyss..
He was reaching out to his guts to stop himself from touching her
He was reasoning with his impulse to hate the same things which seemed so endearing to him
He was bewitched byan amalgam of confusion....for no reason explainable to her or to him

He was falling for her je ne sais quoi

As Promised

More than a year back, I moved into my house and had promised to put more pictures here.

I dont know if anyone has been waiting for it, but I am here to fulfill that promise of more pics on my blog.

Here are the bits and pieces of my heart...





































I have been busy decorating, setting up, and its an on going process. There is still dining table to be bought, few more changes to be done.

Yet when I see all of this, then I can not have the heart to ever complain to God about things s/he did not give me. It is more than I asked for.

And to think that all this is solely my doing, all this is only and only mine(no gifts and bribes taken :)), my heart can not but swell with pride

Note : - Btw no enquiries on where I got what, will be entertained :) I have spent days googling, running helter skelter to all god forskane places, to buy stuff. I now know the difference between Venner, types of solid wood, melamine finish. So you go figure for yourself, its fun and it worth it!

In the name of religion

I once met a man in the US. He was an American by birth but had changed his religion to Sikhism and was taking some sessions for getting initiated into it.

It bewildered me. Why would someone want to change one's religion which s/he is born with? Whats this strong connect/disconnect to religion that so many people seem to exhibit? "I am an atheist"..I have heard that statement many times and I feel that if people can be fanatic about their religions, then even atheism is a sort of fanaticism

If you want to defy existence of God, and display it by doing things like not entering temple and standing outside when made to accompany, then you are actually in some way emphasizing the existence of God. You are no better than a fanatic in my eyes.

And I find it funny why someone would want to change the religion they are born with? Is it like a hobby or some school which you change?
What is it that you are seeking in different religions?
Isn't every religion about self discovery in the end? How would learning how to put on a turban and everything else that goes with it, help you in knowing yourself? What was missing in what you believed earlier?

What is this hoopla over religion?

I follow my religion cos I was born with it, that's what I grew up with.
I like my religion for many things..like the smell of incense which fills my house, like the beautiful colors of my deities, like so many stories around each of them.

But most importantly cos my religion wasn't thrust on my face by my folks.
I was never forced into anything, and never stopped from anything, for the sake of religion.

Even though there are restrictions on women in my religion to practice a few things, like you are not supposed to enter temple in one of those days etc. But my parents never bothered to tell me that(by parents I mean my mom, my father is happy being an atheist thought he would not practice it as a law anyway). I learnt it from other girl friends of mine, or other relatives.

And the best thing(for me) which I love about praying is total submission to someone(I call it God). A thing seen rarely in me as a person. I like the way I bow my head in total faith and regard. I sometimes beg, sometimes just blank out. A feeling of total belonging and unquestioned trust. Which I cant seem to have for anyone else in life. Not to forget the perennial hope which comes with my belief

I had gone to a masjid near Charminar in Hyderabad. There is some mystery about a masjid which enchants me and made me want to enter it. But I was stopped and told that women are not supposed to enter. The front bearers of that place looked at me with some ridicule and disdain. I was enraged and wanted to utter something, but checked myself. It wasnt my place.

I once went to a church in US, it was thanks giving or some such important day for the church. I had a catholic friend with me. At the end of the ceremony, all made a line and went up till the priest who was giving some white colored thing to eat. He was feeding each of them with his hand. My friend said I should not do that since only Catholics, who are baptized, should take that. I was irritated, and determined to take that thing. But the moment I reached the priest, I felt some fear. As if I am peeking inside some sacred secrets which I am not supposed to. A feeling of unknown guilt came over me and I backed out.

I hate it when I have to check myself, without knowing why I am doing it. I want to go with the flow of things, and for me anything is not consummated if not done in its entirety. So for me getting that white thing from the priest would have consummated the whole festive mood, but I had to miss it

On these two occasions I realized what probably makes an atheist. Maybe its the restrictions and bars by each religion which makes one loathe it. Which makes one stop believing in a God, who conforms to such baseless things.
Hence they make atheism their religion.

I can never become an atheist though, maybe I have selfish reasons for that.