So what?

My earlier version was so full of "So what?"

Well, I could garner happiness with that 2 words sentence

I was alone for the longest time in my life, and to my loneliness I could say "So what?"
There were happy couples around...but that dint deter me into marriage well past the age

I dint have all the money, I had what kept me happy and content
And to those who said "You can earn much more" I would say "So what?"

It dint matter to me..as I had the deepest sense of my being..
As long as I felt hope, as long as I felt dreams floating around me..I was OK
As long as I felt beautiful..as long as I felt desirable..that's all that mattered

Other things could wait..there was still time for all of it

But now..

I am unable to say "So what?" to anything related to Aaru

When he could not walk till 2..I could not say "So what!" I burnt my ends doing exercises and running to therapies to make him walk
He is 3 and does not speak much..I cant say "So what!" I am scrambling and spending all that I have to get him to talk

That flamboyance of "So what" is gone..that intoxicating carelessness of infinite time is a story of the past

Now I feel I am in a race against time!

Saturday nights

Saturday nights..some nights when I used to think
"the world is still mine to claim"

Those lonely bus rides to some arbitrary mall..
listening to songs on head phone of some music shop..weird songs
Songs I never heard thereafter

Settling down in some dhaba..feeling like a queen among minions
Is that how it feels when the world seems just a part of you..just a speck
And you feel bigger than the world

Its been a while since I did any of that..a while when I stepped out to enjoy rain and the shiny lights of the city
A while when I was me

Loving the right way

I know my capacity to love
I feel that capacity in the small things
Like how I let go of my anger.... for the worst people in my life
And this teeny weeny bit of residual loving feeling....once you filter all the hatred for them

Little things I am proud of...
....that there is a part of me which can love deliriously, uninhibited
a part of me which without getting an ounce of pleasure goes about doing things for the best of others

Love is life transforming

When someone treats you in a certain way you start becoming that person

If you are loved right, all crimes in the world would stop 

On nights like these

On nights like these
When sleep eludes me

Cos Aaru has woken up..with his breathing issues
And after trying to fight his and my sleep

I give in and try to make use of it
I go to the hall and put on TV

And I hear a small squeak from the bedroom, which I hoped so much not to hear
I can not sit in the bedroom and stare vacantly at walls while he sleeps

So all I can do now is take him in my lap, pour out a glass of wine..and watch TV with him sleeping in my lap..as I cant take chances with him..or with myself

Such an odd pair we are..Aaru and I

All alone, yet strong and bellowing

And at this stage all I wish..I wish earnestly as I got to know God would not listen if you just  make a wish mechanically
You got to really ask for it, and mean it

So with all in me, I try to mean what I want

That I meet someone who loves Aaru (not me or my face)..as much or maybe even half of how much I love him and how much love he deserves

That there is someone who is capable enough to help us(not monetarily but in heart and actions, not in words!!!), who would take up some doc appointments while I lie in bed without a worry as I know there is someone else there who worries for him half of as much as I do (that would be enough I tell  you)

That there is someone who would learn how much of each supplements to give him, while I can spend an extra half an hour in bed, after spending sleepless night

Oh God! What I would do to get a person like that in my life....

To be or not to be

Is it possible not to exist for some days, as in choose a day in the week when you dont want to exist

Non-existence- Don't confuse it with being at home and lying around and not doing anything

Its like being wrapped in a vacuum bubble, where nothing changes, nothing in the world, the world thats mine

Aaru and I both, no therapies, no physical tasks, no supplements to worry about
And that day should not count at all in history, its not a day wasted

When the whole day I tire myself with thoughts of what next to do, what next to accomplish and I hit on a spot where I feel numb by the end of the day and just vaguely wonder..if only tomorrow did not come

But tomorow I want to exist, as tomorrow is the day I began my existence :)

Law of diminishing returns

We keep diminishing ourseves, in our minds and in our thoughts..

We feel that what we were earlier was an immatured, childish , stupid version of us

Oh that maverick thought, that juvenile desire, that frivolous dream..life is more than all that..above that

We killed it all!

Each time we rubbished ourselves, we kept thinking this is the way life was ought to be...

But what we dint realise in the process is that we lost something very basic and beautiful about us

Moments of God

Every morning I like to grab all things auspicious

I sit down with my lemon tea and smell it deep...trying to breathe in bits of pleasure

I savor my son's half baked smile..when he is half awake and smiles like a dream
Sleepy yet trying to return my false exuberance

And I sing for him "Say hello to the Sun..shining down on me"

I pay my attention to Ma's chit chat..Ma who has been with me..my only solace and punching box in the last 2 years..

I try to do my part of the work in the morning, trying to keep my heart light
Pumping in energy by trying to steal it from Aaru..No No..not steal, but multiply

Then we all sit down. Aaru eats, Ma feeds and I sit on the side having tea and whatever is left of the morning's beauty

I call these moments of my life now..moments of God..
When s/he is holding me upright to combat the rest of the day

Who knows what the day would bring in?