My tryst with male friends

This is a post which has been in my mind for quite sometime now..
I dint know exactly when this feeling formed in me...but now that I am able to articulate it, I feel this need to write it down.

Men at my work place find me elusive (or snobbish) even though I have not got anything stuck on my face which says that. I am pretty normal friendly person (maybe not over-friendly)

And the other day a girl-friend of mine,put it very rightly and bluntly to me..
"Rajita, many men ask me about you..but I just feel that these men can admire and respect you..but they can't be your friends..they can't joke casually with you..they can't banter with you..something about you stops them. Why don't you try and be little friendly with them?"

Not that I never realized this fact..nor have I made any efforts to be like this..
I just told her..if I want these men to come closer..I would have..to let myself approachable isn't something I miss..and I am happy like this

She gave me one of those "tch tch" looks (so much like my mom) and went on about why am I not marrying...but I was hardly listening cos my brain had started working on a different line altogether

What she said, triggered a chain of thought and I wondered if sub-consciously I have worked on becoming so distant and elusive to guys at work..or am I born like this?

And a fact struck me that I never had a male friend..who could "just" be a friend to me

I had been friendly to guys at work earlier..quite friendly to say (thats another fact that these men came to me more often than me going to them.)
I used to hang out for coffee and lunches with them..and they would come over to my place also at times
I dint care what other girls felt about it..cos in my heart I dint have an ounce of attraction for any of them..and that kept me safe..in my mind.

But as it turned out..each of these friendships turned sour..cos each of these men made advances..and since I don't believe in having so-called friendship with men with a tinge of romance in the air (from any side), I had to cut them off
I used to stop speaking to them instantaneously.. one flirtatious remark..and off they go...

Just once I made a mistake of forgiving a friend (after 100 calls and sorrys) only to realize it was a blunder..cos the same pattern followed again and ended worse than before...men I tell you!

I could never understand how in a friendship, one person can fall in love and the other is hardly aware of it...cos for me, love is a very mutual thing..it cant be one sided..when 2 people are together, both of them would know if there is any chemistry or not!

Once, one of these men told me that he felt I reciprocated his feelings cos one specific day..he felt some loneliness in my eyes..and sadness..which he believed sprung out of my love for him

And I scratched my head hard to recall this day...and what exactly brought about such catastrophical conclusions from his side..

Why cant you men understand that there can be women who dont mind having a drink with you..or going for a movie or lunch..without feeling anything for you
Maybe cos of lack of company..maybe out of boredom..
They can even let you visit their place and make tea for you..cos they believe and trust you as a friend!
Every single act of theirs is not to be misinterprated to suit your whims!

Some of these friendships turned so sour, abusive and obsessive..that it left a horrible taste in my mouth for years

I started to blame myself for all this...I thought maybe there is something inherently wrong with me..which sends wrong signals to men..and they find it easy to hit on me..

But then..these are the men I have never intended to throw any signals...cos if I did..I would not have killed it at the outset

Or is it that some women are not supposed to have a light-hearted friendship with men?

Now I have become so vigilant about such people..that I would rather not have male friends, than be subject to any of the things which I went through

I fail to put my finger on the reasons for all these failed friendships...but I would certainly love to have a friend..who sees me as a human..and not just someone of opposite sex..who can wish me good..without smothering me with his love-sagas...who I can have coffee with..without the burden of underlying flirtations and romance...just like any other girl..