Father figure

My upbringing could be labelled as extremely un-conventional, by Indian standards
I never had a male member in the family, who dominated the household

My father not the archetypical indian father, what with each of us having a different surname, more like a second name than the family name which people usually carry

When my other girlfriends spoke of how they would have fun while their respective fathers were at work, and had to behave properly once the man of the house was home, I felt disconnected
Cos it was exactly the opposite in my house

We would sit late in the mornings, on holidays, sitting with tea and papa
Talking of what love is all about..my father reading excerpts from "Brother's Karamazov" to us
Ma getting angry and probably jealous, cos she had to cook and miss being part of that gang

And somewhere amidst all this, we(mainly I) became feminists(!?)
Well well, this word "feminist:" has such nasty connotations nowadays,  that saying it makes me feel like an old hag who is out there to kill all men
And the whole essence of it is gone, by all this humbug created around it, by some men/women

 But secretly I wished I had something similar to say, like my other friends. This duality lent them such an air of mystery and exclusiveness that I missed being that girl. I envied that they were more special than I was, who was given all the liberty in the world. As if no one cared!

Maybe thats the reason why seeing an elderly man anywhere makes me respectful towards him, brings out the gentler side of me
Many a times in my moments of distress, I always imagined a huge hand on my head, patting me and saying "It will be fine, I am there". And that someone is a man, a man who knows me inside out

All that makes me think...
Is it that inspite of all this liberation talks, women actually want and need to be subdued?
Is there a desire in them to be ruled? Is that the law of nature?
Do we have this inherent need to be dominated, is that the only way they can love a man?Do we all women need a man who tells us you are nothing, you mean something only cos you are attached to me?

Are we all looking for that "father figure", who tells us and controls us in a way which makes us respect him?

I mean if I have to marry, I will always look for someone who is either my equal or better. In terms of money as well as personality.
But for a man, a pretty wife is pretty much fine. Her education,job are just fancy stuff which they might like and admire. But not a must. Why dont men have such mandates as well?

I think its a catch 22 situation, for at least women like me.
I would like to be controlled by a man, but the kind of control a man exercises, without actually owning me and my heart, makes me refute it.

Some men try to be God, even before they do anything close to being a God.

Whenever I sit in front of God's deities in my house, even for a few seconds, I feel peace.
I feel I am taken care of, that I will never be mistaken by almighty.
That I dont have to fight for smallest of my human rights with him/her.
Be it changing your surname when you get married, to your role change from a daughter to a daughter in law, from assuming you would leave your job always to accompany your husband in his ambitions...etc etc

My GOD - s/he does not judge me for any and every thing, s/he loves me like someone who loves a butterfly full of colors, for my beauty and for my mischief..
There are no questions big enough to be answered, as everything I am is known to him
I can sit in his/her cradle and be everything that I ever wished to be, and s/he just indulges me
While I value him, for being all this and strive to be the woman of his desires

If a man can make me feel all of that, then maybe he can be my God!