Time is the worst enemy
It just goes by..touching everything with its harshness
Taking away all the moisture..leaving them dry
Taking away thier sweetness...leaving forgetfullness

I dont know why they say..time is the best healer??!!

A Cuppa Tea

"Ek cup chai peeyogi" (Will you have a cup of tea?)..one question asked predominately in my hostel during my college days

This question would ignite a lot of discussions and arguments..."who would make it".."what all do we talk about while having tea"..

That one cup of tea meant much more than just tea leaf,sugar and milk..
It meant uniting...gossiping...fun...camraderie and much more




I remember this cup of tea used to be my constant companion during all my difficult days
When I was taking my first board exams ,every one in house used to be out..and I had preparation leaves..
I used to be alone...so I discovered that a cup of tea could give me company when noone was around

Then came my bachelor days...with tea as constant companion

And then my MCA days..where our exams could not be held without tea..a constant debate over who would make it...but nevertheless we all loved it...

And then my initial years as a professional...in Hyderabad..me and my roomie

At 2 in the night my roomie and I would not be able to sleep....so this sudden desire to have tea would engulf us...all our conversations and gossips were punctuated with cups of tea...as if tea entailed all that

My roomie would ask me "Raji wanna cup of tea" and with anticipation I would say "yes".
On that she would say "Then go and make it" and we would burst out in laughter...then it dint matter who made tea..I dont even recall

these tea leaves..they dont know what good they bring with them...
conversations...good feeling...happiness and companionship

tes is tea...nothing can fight it..not even alcohol :)



I wish I could get back those carefree days of tea and talks...gay abandon and reckelss laughter...drenching in the rain and forgetting consequences..

Whenever I think of those days..I cant believe it was the same me...
when happiness was always aorund...and nothing seemed impossible
When we thought of world is a playgourd...and not as a war field

Love begins with tea :) and even if it does not...tea is enough to hold me together

I wish love could be as fresh and fulfilling as tea...over and over again

Rehna Tu...

Its Gulzaar (using "z" as per a comment from a friend that I use "j" where I should use "z") once again..but this time particularly for one song I chanced upon

Update - Sorry my sis told me it is Prasoon Joshi...I was being presumtuous here, but considering my love for Gulzar and the likeness of this lyrics with his style, I can pardon myself for this goof up :)

Its from this new unreleased movie "Delhi 6", music by AR Rehman..

The words make me want someone to write it for me :)

"Rehna tu, hai jaisa tu
Thoda sa dard tu, thoda sukoon
Dheema dheema jhonka, ya fir junoon"

Love the floaty feel of the words and the music..but would have liked it if someone else other than Rahman had sung it..he kind of takes away the romance from the song..reminds me of his "Vande Mataram" and I dont think I am supposed to feel patriotic for this one

But anyways...all that not withstanding..I am falling in love with this song...purely for its words

"Thoda sa resham tu humdum
thoda sa khurdura
kabhi to ad jaye ya lad jaye
ya kkhushboo se bhara"..

...hmm isnt that me? Sweet at times and bitter other times
At least in my imagination I am ...:)

"Tujhe badalna na chahoon
ratti bhar bhi sanam
bina sajawat milawat
na jyada na hi kam"

...dont we all want to be wanted the way we are..someone who loves us as we are?

"tujhe chahoon jaise hai tu
mujhe teri baarish mein bheegna hai ghul jaana
tujhe chahoon jaise hai tu
mujhe teri lapat mein jalana raakh ho jaana"..

such passion..love or madness..reminds me of ameer khusro's lines
"ishq mujhko nahin vahshat hi sahi" (Maybe I am not in love but in a madness)

I always imagined myself to be that "baarish" and that "lapat" that he talks about..someone who breathes in the very essence of me...burns in my magic :)

All that jazz!

You remind me
Of something I lost
Or is it something I never had?

A dream which crossed me in my childhood
Or a dream which lives inside me all the time?

An abstract..a fragrance..a painting..a smile..a tune
reverberating with resonance of life and its meaning
Making me come alive..with your presense..or absence

Its you who makes me tick..and go through the grind
Dont know if I would know you..or be in the oblivion
But its you..which makes my day...and the sultry night

Just like that

I used to think writing is one thing I can do whenever I feel like..when I am down, writing my diary gave me solace, when I was happy my diary gave me companionship in joy.
But now, I just dont seem to think of writing. My diary lies abandoned long back, I thought I might use this blog to give way to my feelings. But even that is seldom.

Wondering what the reason could be? Lost interest in writing, or generally lost interest in anything worthwhile?

Maybe lost the belief that there is beauty in everything..
I guess this is a phase...and this shall pass too :)

My Teacher

Yesterday I got to know that my kathak dance teacher , Shri Madhukar Anand, expired of liver cancer.
He was a young man, must be 39-40.

After I heard this, something broke inside. Something which I held so dear to me, something very core to my being.

It was as if a part of my childhood , my adolescence, my youth, was cut off from me.

I still remember the first time I met him, a shy sweet looking guy with a smile lurking around his lips.
I was new to the class, all of 10 years, did not know if I would fit into the class, did not know whether my mom's assesment of my dancing abilities were true. (My mom had put 3 of us into dancing and singing, thinking we had the talent).

He had asked a set of girls (including me and my 2 sisters) to do some steps and very hesitantly, but with concentration, I tried emulating him. After we all repeated after him, he pointed at me and said "She is doing it perfectly"...
Cant explain what I felt that time. It was that deciding moment when I thought that I wanted to learn dance for as long as I could. And I wanted him as my teacher.
I still remember that moment so clearly..after 24 years!


He was a dancer with tremendous potential. Very few male dancers can dance so gracefully and elegantly and carry themselves, the way he did.
A charming person, non-exhibitionist, humble with a terrific sense of humour.
A very affable person, whom one could get to like instantly...curly hair, disarming smile, good looking..

We would be practicing for some program, and then break into splits cos of his funny comments on someone dancing vaguely. My younger sis, Belu, also used to be butt of his jokes. She was a bad dancer, very thin and gawky at that time. He used to say she dances like Amitabh Bachchan :)

I used to look forward to my dance classes all through the week. Looked forward to learn dance, to explore my capability, to be appreciated and admonished by him. And if for some reason, he wasnt there for any class, I would be so listless, as if the entire week had gone to waste.

Sometimes in the class, he would call me aside,ask me to stand in the front and do some tukda, to show to the class. Then he would tell them "This is called elegance and delicacy. I want all of you to do it with this grace".
My heart swelled, my eyes shone, I felt light...and fell in love with him for making me feel so special and unique, for letting me know my own capabilities.
His saying "She is my favorite student", is something I treasure as one of the most valuable things in my life.

After 6 years of association, we went our ways. He went to Delhi, to learn from Pt. Birju Maharaj and I started concentrating on studies and career aspirations.
I met him once in between, during my studies , and he told me "If you had concentrated on dance, you would have been a great dancer". But probably I did not have the guts to puruse a career which was uncertain.

Then he got married and our dance institute held a program to felicitate him. I performed and he came backstage to give me a 100 rupee note and said "I could not believe you could emote so well".

So many times during all these years I thought of meeting him again, dancing and knowing from him if I have bettered or worsened. I kept imagining how will it be to see him again..and now I would never get to see him!
Fills me with a strange feeling of loss and hollowness..wish one could act quicker than life, cos people just go...leaving behind a sense of "never again"..

I know that we did not keep in touch for 15 years or so, and his passing away does not make any difference in my day to day life...but there are certain people who are icons in one's life, someone you look upto, someone with whom you associate some of your very fond memories and they become an intergral part of your life.

I dont know how important I was to him, but he was such a person for me. A shining, smiling figure..

RIght here...right now!

Someone asked me today..what is it that you want right now..the most!
I said..nothing..just a that wish nothing changes
I continue to be as helathy as today...as beautiful as today
I am attracted towards someone..and someone finds me attractive
he calls many times a day..and we have something going all the time
this euphioria doesnt die..it never gets old..and eveyrthing is EXACTLY as it is right now!
Can that be granted..small wish isnt it?:)