Ye dil hai

I envy people who can follow their heart.

They are the women who can do field work, men who would take up dance for a career,

Here I am, ensconsed in my corporate world, doing the stuff I have been doing for years

The only adventure in my kitty could be the decision to go to US a few years ago, just on a whim, just cos I wanted to run away from something
Then to stay there against all odds, the only girl in the entire project, with noone to turn to

But then, all that cos I was pushed to a corner

Aah..why am I talking about all that, when I should be apolgising(mostly to myself) for absconding my blog for a month

My brain must have stopped working, does marriage do that you?

From Eat Pray Love..To..Committed

He said - "You smell of champagne"

She said - "You smell of my dreams"

This life and its mysteries, the calculations and mis-calculations, the compromises and disillusions, this fight with yourself...ready to know if all of it is worth it

Rest when I regain myself

His scent - for one more season

She does not love to be loved, but just as whim
Being desirous suffices her needs

She looks at men with her kohl-ed eyes
In her Velvety heel and black shimmer dress

she can find gaps in any man, from where she can slip

She says..the wanting look in men in truthful
Not the love they wear on their sleeves

They have all loved her secret strength
Not knowing she had always been in love with a weakness

But strange things happen with her always
The more she gets detached, the more men try to get her attached
The false stability makes her further unstable in her mind

She hates to stare at her mobile for someone's name
Nameless faces make her feel  alive now

She knows the game of seduction finally tilts things
One way or another,

She knows, men will get her addicted to something, and take that away
So the only addiction she trusts now is of alcohol and desire

Some women are meant to be lonely
Men have seized to be what she wanted them to be
A tryst with herself, a lump in her throat

There has always been..
This desperate need to look for someone who is in touch with himself..
So that he can touch her soul some day

For men, her mystery ends in her body, never before and never after
She carries her mystery with herself, never willing to part

She does not believe in greatness in men, mere thought disquiets her
Its the smallness in them that lets her be what she wants to be

She has been hugged many a times, sometimes for the body
Sometimes for the sake of commitment and objectification
But nothing in synch with her, nothing of the hugs she misses

All this rigmarole, cos she tried finding his scent elsewhere, but could not
She would never know what a life with him would have been, or if any of it was worth it

The scent of belonging, the scent of her womanhood
She has not blushed in eons

One of those things

In my last post I talked about lots of things being on my mind...
One of it was me getting on stage with kathak, after 15 years

As you grow, you lose so much of yourself, which can only be revived by doing what you love doing

And in times like these, when you are trying to regain yourself, you realise how much of you has been lost

You find yourself little mellow, in everything you do...or everything that was so you

And kathak was such a thing for me

And I felt I could not be what I used to be (even though the bit I wad doing was no where close to what I used to perform earlier, in terms of complexity), and that made me little shaky..
I could not do that stuff by letting my vigor be chipped away

And for that reason I created multiple reasons in my mind, and told my sister that I wont take part

Cos she was the one who had organised this whole show, to showcase her institute and her students along with a kathak dance teacher caller Murari(who incidentally knew my guru too) and his students

This sister is the one I wrote about here :
http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2011/08/she-is-doing-her-bit.html

and here:
http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2010/09/presenting-malvika.html

I said "I dont like the girl I am dancing with, she doesnt give me right vibes"
then "I am not his student so I guess he is not interested in involving me in this programme" (I was like a guest dancer and not his regular student. But I was the one who initiated this and asked her to ask him to include me in his compositions)
and another "I wanted to do this cos I hoped a more enjoyable experience and an environment of dance and music, but thats not happening here, since they practice separately and I am just like an add-on"

But for some reason she was so adamant on me performing. She said if I dont like the girl, she would ask him to let me do this solo, etc etc. And finally I gave it a shot.
More to try myself than for anything else.

And gradually the enthusisam started creeping in.
When we had the final stage practice, I felt so different.

I was that girl who used to be so sure of herself on stage, I always knew all eyes are glued on me when I dance.
I would look at people in their eyes while dancing and would see them looking at me and that gave me a high
But this time I had no clue, I just wanted to get thru it.

But after that stage rehearsal, when I went down, all the women there(sister's students) gave me a boost which I have been lacking.
Some said "You are far more elegant than the other woman"
Some "I could not take my eyes off you"
And I got my reward in small ways, dance must be in my veins

Here we go again...after 15 years

This body has a mind of its own

Note : I need some time away from what all is happening around me, my mind is a little numb.
I have been irregular on the blog, and I miss it like I would miss myself (if I give in to the world). You realize how being with yourself is something you love the most, when you are about to lose yourself and your loneliness

What you are going to read now is midless chatter of an overloaded brain..but had to write something


People emphasize so much on the brain that they forget the body has a say in lots of matters too

You ask me why should one love anyone?
Is it just the brains or the brawn?

Its way too many things My Dear!Brain is but just a bit of it
Words become harrowing at times, your ideas and your intelligence can become a farce one day..too much or too less

What are you? A mix of your body, a bit of your mind, your fragrance, your mischief and your desires(which makes another desirous of you)

You are way too many things, and Also Nothing..at the same time

You are loved cos of...
the way you smile, and the way you hold it back too
the way your flare up, and the way you sometimes let go and feign nonchalance
the way you touch a chord somewhere, and never let it go..

A person can be magic, for what he says, and for how he touches you
Your body can be a resting place for some battered heart

Someone's body can be yours, away from the world, away from your own grueling self, away from the mess that brain creates

This body has a mind of its own, and we cant deny that many a times it supersedes the brain

Lets rest in peace our brains, words and  ask our body its wishes some times..that's as much ours as anything else

If nothing else works, try yourself

People universally tend to think that happiness is stroke of luck, something that will descend upon you like fair weather if you're fortunate enough. But thats not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into the happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you dont, you would leak away your innate contentment.

Was reading "Eat,Pray,Love"(Yes I finally found my copy. If you are diligent, you can get what you want), and came across above lines.

I stopped here and thought "This is is how exactly I think and see happiness as!"

Happiness is abound, it does not have a theory to it, its forms are multifold
You are the keeper of your own happiness

You define your own potent mix of that happy feeling, which gives a spring to your steps
Let that be a memory of a forgotten song, a drunken brazen night, a kiss, sweet texts, laughter with people who get you , an unforgettable wedding, those glances exchanged with a crush
Maybe its sipping coffee all alone in an airport lounge, or reading a book on a rainy day with a cup of coffee

It could also be about something which never happened, or something you love dreaming about

Is it the smell of incense on durgo pujo, or the possibility of a  romance, or the memory of it? An enthralling performance by you and you regaling in the reverence of audience, or your own idea of how grand you are..

Dig it out, inhale your happiness..let it take whatever to be happy..just dont let go...
You have taken happiness from this world, its people, its beauty...give it back by retaining all of it..in any wierd form as you please..

Keep it pulsating, raw and effervescent..its yours..

And once I finished thinking, I read the next few lines, which is what I was thinking just a while ago

All the sorrow and trouble in this world is caused by unhappy people. Not only in the big global Hitler n Stalin picture, but also on the smallest personal level. I can see where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or(at the very least) inconvenience to those around me. The search for contentment is therefore not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out all your miseries, gets you out of the way. You cease being and obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then you are free to server and enjoy other people.

Father figure

My upbringing could be labelled as extremely un-conventional, by Indian standards
I never had a male member in the family, who dominated the household

My father not the archetypical indian father, what with each of us having a different surname, more like a second name than the family name which people usually carry

When my other girlfriends spoke of how they would have fun while their respective fathers were at work, and had to behave properly once the man of the house was home, I felt disconnected
Cos it was exactly the opposite in my house

We would sit late in the mornings, on holidays, sitting with tea and papa
Talking of what love is all about..my father reading excerpts from "Brother's Karamazov" to us
Ma getting angry and probably jealous, cos she had to cook and miss being part of that gang

And somewhere amidst all this, we(mainly I) became feminists(!?)
Well well, this word "feminist:" has such nasty connotations nowadays,  that saying it makes me feel like an old hag who is out there to kill all men
And the whole essence of it is gone, by all this humbug created around it, by some men/women

 But secretly I wished I had something similar to say, like my other friends. This duality lent them such an air of mystery and exclusiveness that I missed being that girl. I envied that they were more special than I was, who was given all the liberty in the world. As if no one cared!

Maybe thats the reason why seeing an elderly man anywhere makes me respectful towards him, brings out the gentler side of me
Many a times in my moments of distress, I always imagined a huge hand on my head, patting me and saying "It will be fine, I am there". And that someone is a man, a man who knows me inside out

All that makes me think...
Is it that inspite of all this liberation talks, women actually want and need to be subdued?
Is there a desire in them to be ruled? Is that the law of nature?
Do we have this inherent need to be dominated, is that the only way they can love a man?Do we all women need a man who tells us you are nothing, you mean something only cos you are attached to me?

Are we all looking for that "father figure", who tells us and controls us in a way which makes us respect him?

I mean if I have to marry, I will always look for someone who is either my equal or better. In terms of money as well as personality.
But for a man, a pretty wife is pretty much fine. Her education,job are just fancy stuff which they might like and admire. But not a must. Why dont men have such mandates as well?

I think its a catch 22 situation, for at least women like me.
I would like to be controlled by a man, but the kind of control a man exercises, without actually owning me and my heart, makes me refute it.

Some men try to be God, even before they do anything close to being a God.

Whenever I sit in front of God's deities in my house, even for a few seconds, I feel peace.
I feel I am taken care of, that I will never be mistaken by almighty.
That I dont have to fight for smallest of my human rights with him/her.
Be it changing your surname when you get married, to your role change from a daughter to a daughter in law, from assuming you would leave your job always to accompany your husband in his ambitions...etc etc

My GOD - s/he does not judge me for any and every thing, s/he loves me like someone who loves a butterfly full of colors, for my beauty and for my mischief..
There are no questions big enough to be answered, as everything I am is known to him
I can sit in his/her cradle and be everything that I ever wished to be, and s/he just indulges me
While I value him, for being all this and strive to be the woman of his desires

If a man can make me feel all of that, then maybe he can be my God!