Jobless in Bangalore

I sit on the couch for hours watching back to back recorded episodes of "Grey'a anatomy" (the earlier ones on star plus and later ones on Zee Cafe), One tree hill, mad men..and anything which catches my fancy while flipping channels

I start feeling as if I was born and raised on this couch

So how does it feel being so free and having time to yourself to pursue whatever you want, must be really great!
NO it sucks!

There were so many interests I pursued earlier, while I was working and they seemed interesting to me
Now even dance does not excite me...cos everything looks like a compensation for something major I am missing in life
My job..I dont recall a day of my life where I ever thought I would not be working

Even the blog was such a respite earlier..and now it seems like a task!

Some women might be OK not working after marriage, but I was never going to be that woman, thats what I had sworn to myself

And look where life gets you sometimes...amongst the 3 of we sisters, I am the only one not earning right now

The body loses its energy if it does not do what its always meant to...then no substitute is enough.. reading..dancing..fashion...dining out...nothing helps!

So every day I go through such weird thoughts, sitting alone on the couch, willingness to move having left me

Then I pick up broken pieces of my heart and start all over with.....hmmm Grey's anatomy... err One tree hill..

FB or not?

I see people complaining and cribbing so much about the social networking sites like orkut, twitter and majorly majorly FB!


I fail to understand the dimwits who do it!

Who the fuck made FB? We..dint we? normal people like us
And then we think we are important enought to condemn it?

What does FB do? It JUST only JUST gives us a platform to exercise the networking we might want to

Does it force us into anthing? NO! If you dont wish to be friends with someone..you have the freedom not to be.If someoen bores you with his/her updates..just choose not to see that person's updates

Its all and all about you..its a choice you made..like everything else in life

I guess its you who is picks up things for herself/himself...s/he is basically sick of her/his self more than the site...cos that will make that site all the more important to you!

Some people are always whining on FB..of lost love..of how everyone else is bullshit
Some people only talk of sports
Some like to share trivia..cos their lives dont have much to offer to the world

So what?
Just let them be..you be yourself and choose what you want to see..if you can not..that describes you

So as it has always been...life is all about what you choose!

Some people feel important only if they are making someone's life hell

Thats how some people get a kick in their otherwise mundane life.

There is this person in my office, I can not disclose the whole identity of that person since he has found my blog too. But lets just say, he is someone whose opinion and whims can affect me.

And it did finally.

He was tad over-friendly initially, which I first thought as a trait in some people, and ignored.
Then he started calling me for some mentoring sessions , and we would have these 2 hours session, where 1.45 hours would be all inane stuff. As to how his married life sucks, how his extra curricular activities make him different from the rest, how he has brought up his kids marvelously, how he is such an outdoor person but wife is an indoor person and they always have conflict because of that, and how his neighbor is such a competition for him since he cares so much for his own wife that there is always the comparison.And how in the end he and his wife "kiss and make up". Those are his exact words, which made me uncomfortable too.

But I refused to believe that all this saga is cos I am a woman and he wants to spend some time with me.
I even fought with my then fiance, for insinuating any such thing.

Then he started messaging me on office IM, which grew creepy with time.

Well, he had me googled, and unfortunately google shows a lot of information about me.

So he first IMs me about my grand father (which one of my online profile states in full detail), feigns the fact that he knows he is my grand father, asks me if I could get books by him if I go to my home town. Also mentions he is such a big fan of my grand father (well he never mentioned that he knew he is my grand father)

At this very moment I knew he has his data on me.
Then came the story about my secret talent as a dancer, that he has his sources and he knows that about me.
What was he thinking..I am a  dud?

But since the hierarchy is such, I played along and feigned surprise.
And finally he called me to a room and told me that he knows I have a gift of writing. It was getting nauseating for me and I wanted to punch his face, but kept smiling and tolerating.

What I dint anticipate was that announcement of my marriage would change things drastically.

The day I announced, his whole persona took a 180 degree shift.
He refused my leaves, asked me to work till a day before marriage. Which obviously I could not.

When I came back from wedding, he did not bother to even congratulate me. Just called me for a meeting and told me that I would have to go on "Loss of Pay" for all the days I did not come to work, while I was away for my oen wedding.

And if you know me, you know that my temper and intolerance for injustice comes in my way always. So did it this time. I had a massive show down with him, in front of another colleague (who was clueless as to why all the bickering) and I walked out of the meeting

I was aghast at how a married man(15 years of marriage) could hope to have anything with me. What did he think? That I have avoided marriage for so log, to have an extra marital affair with a person whose face resembles a buffalo? What was his game? He manages to be married with a sane woman who is taking care of his house, he should thank his stars for that. Not raise his bars any further.

Finally I decided its in my best interest to resign, since anyways I would be moving out of this city soon.
And now I am jobless in 13 years, not knowing what to do with all the time I have in hand.
Little depressed, little out of sorts.

My blog my solace.

But I am sure, I will finally find my groove

We will always be kids

We are all fools...always a kid..however grown ups we might want us to be

We all want things for ourseleves, we all have our insecuritirs to feed, our desires to furnish
Nothing matured about it

I am saying this, cos if this recent incident which happened with me
It involves me and my 3 year old nephew Shrehaan, about whom I write all the time here , here and here
and lastly here

Just the other day he was here with his mother(my younger sister) and as ususal my sister wanted some of my things(yeah she is always asking for my dress, saree, jewllery..its her childhood issue and fascination for  my elder sister's and my things)

And I was being a little childish about it this time and said I dint want her to take anything from my stuff..yet I knew I will be giving it off

She finally chose  a neck piece & an earring
Just to play along with and see whose side my nephew was..I acted up and cried "No. no you can not take it"
She snatched it from me, and I tried taking it back and cried out and seeked my nephew's support and looked at him
He looked at both of us and said "मम्मा  को दे दो !"(Give it to my mom)

And for that brief moment, I felt deeply betrayed. I felt the like an outsider and inspite of knowing that he is just a 3 year old kid and that he lives with his mother and meets me only once in a week, where his loyalities would lie, I still felt a little jealous and betrayed

As much as I wanted to kiss his bird-like  mouth, I wanted to thrash the daylight out of him too


But when he is about to go and looks at me with his soulful forlorn eyes and holds my hand "तुम भी चलो" (You also come along), everything melts and go down holding his hand..but that small amount of feeling of betrayal never goes

It never will

Some of them have it easy, they can treat you any which way, still you would eat out of their hands when they want you too...

There are some people who can be the worst & the best with you...Yet you take in the worst, cos their best is so beautiful, innocent and honest

Rustic me

Urbane is not for me, its the rustic which always excites and unstiches me

I am trying to figure out that part in me which relents to something like that..

You appear as some one sauve and sophisticated with the right most expression and gravest smile on your face, but when you break into a punjabi gaali under your breath, thats when you make me smile

You are the graciosu lady who loves to be the perfect bahu, wife, giver for the world
But when you give in to hysterical laughter is when you make me fall in love with you

I guess we strive to find a part of us in any and everyone we meet..
that ME which resonated with something un-accountable in me

And when we see it somewhere..we run after that

Be it a song, a poem, a person...a moment..a love..a hatred..a madness..a sadness
Something which keeps reminding us of what we are...and keeps us alive

How can we ever get past us...and this "I" we so nicely concocted, and coveted

And so this song is also about me..

It does not belong to me in the first few lines
But when it breaks into tabla at 1.12 seconds..its all mine to claim..to love.to hate..to reminisce..to love..to cry..to belong..to disown...to just be ME

Raatein jaagengen raaton mein....Teri bemaani baaton mein..

Ye dil hai

I envy people who can follow their heart.

They are the women who can do field work, men who would take up dance for a career,

Here I am, ensconsed in my corporate world, doing the stuff I have been doing for years

The only adventure in my kitty could be the decision to go to US a few years ago, just on a whim, just cos I wanted to run away from something
Then to stay there against all odds, the only girl in the entire project, with noone to turn to

But then, all that cos I was pushed to a corner

Aah..why am I talking about all that, when I should be apolgising(mostly to myself) for absconding my blog for a month

My brain must have stopped working, does marriage do that you?

From Eat Pray Love..To..Committed

He said - "You smell of champagne"

She said - "You smell of my dreams"

This life and its mysteries, the calculations and mis-calculations, the compromises and disillusions, this fight with yourself...ready to know if all of it is worth it

Rest when I regain myself