Empty heart

Sometimes the heart is completely empty

You try to fill it, with all the notions of happiness

With things like : Count your blessings, reckon your achievements

But the walls of your heart reject each and all of those ideas, like mismatched blood

Or is it that some people are just made like that? Their DNA rejects drips of sanity and happiness?
They can only filter out grief, absurditiies of heart, malfunctioning of brain

A forlorn, miserable identity carved into their system, unknown to them

I tried making happiness complete me
But what made me whole, was the emptiness of it all

Its done :)

Its done and I have cleared it..whatever it was I wrote about here http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2013/07/quick-post.html

And thanks to those who wished me luck :)

Update - It was a PMP certification from PMI. Would make sense to only those you know about it though

Love it

He reminds me of tea and coffee
of sunshine falling on hills before sunset

the ceramics cups and galsses in my kitchen..adding colour to the life around me
and of the inebriated state of marijuana

Yes he is is like that......

Or is it I who has made him like one??

with my forever state of marijuana inebiration
with myself?

whatever it is..its nice to be in it
either him or me..making us larger than what we are

Love it, cos I done have much to love anywhere else!

Feminist?

I was filling up some applications for some official stuff and there was a column which said

Father's name :-
Husband's name (if applicable) ;-

I , as per habit, cut off the husband part and wrote my father's name and carried on with other sections of the form.
In a few seconds it struck me that I do have a husband now and realised I might have to re-do this page and got a little miffed about the re-work.

And in that moment I realised whats this whole thing about a woman having to write father's or husband's name? What does it warranty?

So a mother or a wife has no bearing in anything official? Why doesn't a form ever ask for their names? They do not have an identity or presence strong enough in your lives to be required on a form?

Sometimes I wonder why do I hold on to things like this? Why cant I just accept that it is after all a man's world and do whats required without gumption?

Well, if I could do that..it would not be me

My other sister's are not like me, and they also tell me that there are things I should let go, as a woman.

Why do I strive for an equiality in every sphere?Why does it bother me so much that I can ruin it all, just to retain that image of justice in my brain?

I guess there are parts of you, which are away from genes, from up-bringing, from siblings, from the country you are born in

Does that categorize me as "Feminist"..hell if it does! Aiming for euqlaity has names in this world?
Some people derive pleasure in calling someone a "feminist" as if its some abuse..I pity at the mentality of such people who chose to be less humane and blame it on someone who tries to be more?

Sometimes I feel my sense of equality and freedom and  individuality will be my end!
So be it!!!

Quick Post

I have been away for more than a month, ,with lots of thoughts to write about..but not much of time or inclination.
So all that is lying in my draft, or my phone's notes.

But thats cos I have been busy with preparing for something pretty extensively.
And I need best wishes from all on that front.

I will let you know what it is and how it goes, when that happens.

I just had to write this post, cos I cant let my blog abandoned for long.

Those beautiful ones

Those big cities with eye blinding lights seduce me in a way I cant describe

Whenever I croos continents, I cant take my eyes off from sights of citis like this, in the night

"We are crossing Geneva", the announcement is made in the aircraft and like a sucker for beauty I hang onto my window, my co passenger eyeing me if s/he mistook me for an adult

I remember as a child, I would also look out for beauty...
-Of face, of body, of scenery, of words and of pure feelings

Beauty never threatened me, it just heightened my sense of everything within me, what I sought in this world...

I dont know why sometimes I stare in the horizon in twilight..when the sun has gone down and the moom has not come up as yet..a time of the day when all that is alive is part of me
Something scathing, unsatisfied..burning in that moment..the beauty of which bewitches me..my thirst for my life resurrects..and I wish to meet that person who holds the key to my being..in the meeting of dawn and dusk

Jobless in Bangalore

I sit on the couch for hours watching back to back recorded episodes of "Grey'a anatomy" (the earlier ones on star plus and later ones on Zee Cafe), One tree hill, mad men..and anything which catches my fancy while flipping channels

I start feeling as if I was born and raised on this couch

So how does it feel being so free and having time to yourself to pursue whatever you want, must be really great!
NO it sucks!

There were so many interests I pursued earlier, while I was working and they seemed interesting to me
Now even dance does not excite me...cos everything looks like a compensation for something major I am missing in life
My job..I dont recall a day of my life where I ever thought I would not be working

Even the blog was such a respite earlier..and now it seems like a task!

Some women might be OK not working after marriage, but I was never going to be that woman, thats what I had sworn to myself

And look where life gets you sometimes...amongst the 3 of we sisters, I am the only one not earning right now

The body loses its energy if it does not do what its always meant to...then no substitute is enough.. reading..dancing..fashion...dining out...nothing helps!

So every day I go through such weird thoughts, sitting alone on the couch, willingness to move having left me

Then I pick up broken pieces of my heart and start all over with.....hmmm Grey's anatomy... err One tree hill..