Where do I begin

I know I write a lot about my baby (still I feel its less), but if you have one and you are a woman, you would know (and only you) what it is all about.
This mind boggling love and attachment you grow for someone who has not yet made any memories with you.
Maybe cos your baby was always a part of everything beautiful in you, everything beautiful meant for you!

My heat always swells with inexplicable feelings...cos of the way he comes to me with puppy eyes,cos of his smell and his complete submission to me. cos of his frail body, his wobbly head, his gaze at me for long time and occasionally following me with his eyes as I move around..
It's frightening to feel so vulnerable and strong at the same time!

I keep trying to detach myself from him, giving myself weird reasons like - he is just a speck of life, which happened to be inside me..why should it gnaw at my heart to hear him cry? And for a while I feel I have done it, in bits. When he is sleeping in his crib and I am not around, I feel this time when I see him next I wont get that tug in my heart. But the moment his mere face comes in my mind, my heart constricts, with some mix of pain, love, fear..

It is as if with him all possible emotions are at their pinnacle..

OK!
I promise to write about something else next(though my son is the most happening thing in my life right now and for years to come), something which has been in my mind for as long as I remember, in big and small measures. Something I feel deeply about, which agitates me and I believe is the source of many evils in society. Something I felt was trivial when I was a young girl with naive thoughts of always following my heart and what I felt was right, but now all that seems like a struggle, an ugly battle, a nasoor(wound) which would never be healed.

Cocoon

We start with a cocoon and end in one.

Right from our birth, we begin our life inside womb, our cocoon which holds us safe, warm and secure. Thats why when babies come out, fetal position is the most comfortable one for them as they have a fear of falling, going into unknown, insecure, no-one to hold them.

And as we grow, we feel we have come out of that, we are independent, we are mature and can deal with anything in life.

But in reality we are forever looking for that cocoon, that space which holds us un-scattered, keeps our pieces together. Like the warmth of a blanket in cold night, or like a cup of hot tea in rains, like our mother's smell.

Different people have different definitions for their cocoon. Most want it in love, love of a spouse, love of siblings, love of partner, love of their kids. 

For some it could be money, social status which gives them a sense of safety.

They want to know they are loved, cared for, special and safe.

So actually we never grow, we are forever looking for our own cocoons.

My baby, you have become my cocoon right now. You dont need me, but I do. You might be happy with someone else who can give you all that I stand for, but for me you are the world, irreplaceable!

तुम आये...

कुछ अजीब सी कैफ़ियत है दिल की
जबसे तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी आखों से मिली हैं

तुम
दो आँखें है, दो प्यारे हाथ हैं (जो जब न तब मेरे बालों को खींच लेते हैं)
तुम्हारी मीठी साँसें हैं
बस यही धूरि है मेरी अब
तुम से, तुम तक ही..
मेरे दिन और रात हो गए हैं

किसी से सुना  था,
प्यार जब होता है तब ही खुद के दिल की गहराइयाँ पता चलती हैं
ये अब समझ आया है,
तुम तो लगता है मेरी आत्मा तक पहुँच गए हो
वो भी बिना कुछ बोले

शायद मेरी शकल भी अभी तुम्हारी जेहन में सही आकार नहीं ले पायी होगी
पर कभी कभी  तुम्हारी आँखें यूँ कहती हुई लगती हैं
कि चाहे मैं तुम्हें पेह्चानूं या ना पेह्चानूं
तुम्ही मेरी ख़ास लड़की हो

घर बहार, बाजार
हर तरफ तुम्हारा छोटा सा चेहरा दिखता है
मेरे अंदर की छिपी ख़ुशी को तुम्हारी शक्ल मिल गयी है

मेरे बच्चे , मेरे गुड्डे
मेरे दिल को तुमने बड़ा कर दिया और वहां प्यार ही प्यार भर दिया
जिंदगी ने एक और मौका दिया है , जिंदगी को अपने घर लाने का
अब जिंदगी चाहे जहाँ ले जाये, चाहे जो दिखाए
हम और तुम मिलके सब आसान कर लेंगें

होगा क्या हम ना जानें , नयी भर लें उड़ानें...
जज्बात ने पर हैं फैलाये , तुम आये 

Resilience

I wonder how in the most devastating moments of one's life, we humans can still think or bother about the most mundane.

When the heart is racing beyond recognition and palpitation is running high, some part of your brain sends a signal : "Looks like I need to get another bottle of body lotion"

While there are tears in the eye, and accidentally you lock eyes with yourself in the mirror, there is a tiny voice which says : "Maybe my eyebrows need threading again, too disheveled!"

Its amazing how a part of you is breaking and scattering into pieces, there is another part which keeps the equilibrium by thinking of inane stuff

Maybe this is what makes we humans get back to normal after every disaster in life, this is what builds the strength in us, in our worst nightmares

So in my heart I always know, I might be breaking right now, but I will be fine sooner than I expected

Cos I know that those who can break are the ones who can really build something

I know I will be breaking many times over now, but I will resurrect cos I will have you to gather my scattered soul

Resilience in human specie is an amazing thing!

My Sun,my Son

This heart can sing new songs now...
My eyes will dream for you now

Araadhya Srijan..
you are a piece of my heart, which has not been celebrated as yet
I will celebrate myself with you, once again

मेरे लाल ,
तुम तो हमेशा थे...
मेरे मन की अभिलाषा में, तन की परिभाषा में
बचपन के गुड़िया घर में
कितनी बार तुझे खेलते खेलते तोडा, तोड़ते तोड़ते जोड़ा
पाकर खोया, खोके पाया है
कहाँ से बताऊँ तू आया है, पड़ा मैंने तुझको कहाँ पाया है

मिला था मन को जब मेरे एक तन
उपजा था तू एक मधुर चाँद बन

My Child
You were always there
In all my desires and my body definition
In my doll house from childhood
So many times I have played with you and broken you
And then put back pieces of you together

I lost you and found you so many times
How do I know where you have come from
Where did I find you lying

When my soul and body were brought together
You arose from it, like sweet moon

The shrinking realm of happiness

We are born with our own definitions of happiness. What makes us happy, is an individual thing.
But we all have a sense of something impending in the future, something which will bring us home.

Might be gorgeous places visited,  vague kisses in dingy bars...or just roaming around aimlessly
A beautiful love story of our own we would write,that which gives us a sense of wholesomeness

And those images are always in the periphery of our minds, we see it being enacted in some movie and we bond with that..we see a glimpse of it in a person and we are drawn to him/her
Its those images which keeps us true to a feeling deeper than our subconscious

But gradually the definition of happiness starts eroding, and we start thinking that maybe our definition was wrong to begin with
Walking on the thin line between practicality and dream, we assume being practical means letting go of these images
We think we grow wiser, each time we kill one of our defining happiness parameter

We start shrinking, in our personality, in the way we interact with the world, in the way we love and the way we want to be loved back

Sometimes it has shrunk to such a level that it chokes us, we are unable to find any source of happiness cos we have completely forgotten what made us happy in the first place

We are banging our heads in the dark, trying to find a way which can lead us back to our un-lived moments, moments we were so sure would happen to us, moments which were the driving force behind all that we did, worked for, strived for!

And we dont know what went wrong where, was it our naivete or our inability to stop those things in life which made us forget our happy quotients

We then redefine, smile at our stupid abstract definition and go on with life, living half life, half dreams

But our earlier, pure shining description of happiness stands untouched somewhere
It exists, ready to be unraveled and  owned by you
That definition of happiness is what sometimes you feel in your sensations sometimes, life a melody or like a rush of forgotten song..and somewhere feel..maybe something of the original is still possible!

The parallel universe

We are here and we are there too, somewhere else in a parallel universe
Where we are someone else
There are bits and pieces of us, atoms and molecules, in another universe, maybe in the same time OR a different era

There we have forgiven many, we have settled lots of scores

We think we are but inconsequential parts of this universe, billions and trillions of us
But I believe each one of us & every single thing we do , affects the universe in a way which changes its course in seemingly minimalist way, yet remarkably

Universe is like a deck of cards, a piece goes astray, a part of it distorts, collapses
Maybe not all of us feel the decay, the collapse, but for a few it is a catastrophe
And that means something, in the larger picture

In that universe, which we are mostly not consciously living, we are avenged, sorted, at peace
Cos I cant believe all that we want to be, we want to have, if gone wrong, has no place anywhere

This feeling is very important for me to believe in, this theory I created
To be at peace with many things, as they are, in this universe!