Piece of perfection

I sometimes look at him and wonder from where he learnt to make these faces.
Where he got this attitude from?

Sometimes he would grimace at me and try to win my love, if someone else is doing something he does not like (mainly changing his clothes which is not a great affair for him, when his hands and feet get pulled).
Sometimes he would look through me if he does not really need me, is happy in his zone, or if I fawn too much and he is not in a mood to be fawned at.
Sometimes he would go on incessant babbling session, and make faces like grown ups would talk, with variation in tones.

And yet other times he would smile in glee, like the most beautiful rainbow the sky has ever seen, shining through my days and nights, cutting across everything sweet in me, that my heart can not take so much of love.

And for a moment I drop dead in my tracks and think HOLY SHIT! This is my doing. This ticked inside me for 9 months.
This adorable adorable piece of perfection.... is my son!

My boom shaka laka..being your mother is my greatest gift in life!

Sauve?!

Once you scrape the layers of these polished men
You can clearly see the most base of human
The finesse they so strongly project, was a pathetic attempt to shield the nastiness
You just have to bare their inner most complexes and insecurities

And there they are, in their obscene form
Saying things which you have heard from villains and loafers in a movie

Makes you cringe, wipe your eyes , remove the tinted glasses and exclaim "So this is you!"

Gives a feeling  which can be put to rest only by the mighty me, the uncaring me, the me which is beyond trivia

And I shall smile then and say "So what if this is you...I always knew..and I will always be better :)"

Blues

He loves the blue, he never told me but I figured out.
By listening to his heart, and tuning into his thoughts

Its a specific shade of blue, deeper than the sea!

So I have decide to make my wardrobe a little more blue, never a favorite color with me, but for him..anything!

Well, its not a lover, its my baby boy for whom I want to wear blue from now on.

Things I never did for love of a man, I am ready to do for the love of my son

Oops! I again wrote about my baby, and I thought I was writing about love :)

Where do I begin

I know I write a lot about my baby (still I feel its less), but if you have one and you are a woman, you would know (and only you) what it is all about.
This mind boggling love and attachment you grow for someone who has not yet made any memories with you.
Maybe cos your baby was always a part of everything beautiful in you, everything beautiful meant for you!

My heat always swells with inexplicable feelings...cos of the way he comes to me with puppy eyes,cos of his smell and his complete submission to me. cos of his frail body, his wobbly head, his gaze at me for long time and occasionally following me with his eyes as I move around..
It's frightening to feel so vulnerable and strong at the same time!

I keep trying to detach myself from him, giving myself weird reasons like - he is just a speck of life, which happened to be inside me..why should it gnaw at my heart to hear him cry? And for a while I feel I have done it, in bits. When he is sleeping in his crib and I am not around, I feel this time when I see him next I wont get that tug in my heart. But the moment his mere face comes in my mind, my heart constricts, with some mix of pain, love, fear..

It is as if with him all possible emotions are at their pinnacle..

OK!
I promise to write about something else next(though my son is the most happening thing in my life right now and for years to come), something which has been in my mind for as long as I remember, in big and small measures. Something I feel deeply about, which agitates me and I believe is the source of many evils in society. Something I felt was trivial when I was a young girl with naive thoughts of always following my heart and what I felt was right, but now all that seems like a struggle, an ugly battle, a nasoor(wound) which would never be healed.

Cocoon

We start with a cocoon and end in one.

Right from our birth, we begin our life inside womb, our cocoon which holds us safe, warm and secure. Thats why when babies come out, fetal position is the most comfortable one for them as they have a fear of falling, going into unknown, insecure, no-one to hold them.

And as we grow, we feel we have come out of that, we are independent, we are mature and can deal with anything in life.

But in reality we are forever looking for that cocoon, that space which holds us un-scattered, keeps our pieces together. Like the warmth of a blanket in cold night, or like a cup of hot tea in rains, like our mother's smell.

Different people have different definitions for their cocoon. Most want it in love, love of a spouse, love of siblings, love of partner, love of their kids. 

For some it could be money, social status which gives them a sense of safety.

They want to know they are loved, cared for, special and safe.

So actually we never grow, we are forever looking for our own cocoons.

My baby, you have become my cocoon right now. You dont need me, but I do. You might be happy with someone else who can give you all that I stand for, but for me you are the world, irreplaceable!

तुम आये...

कुछ अजीब सी कैफ़ियत है दिल की
जबसे तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी आखों से मिली हैं

तुम
दो आँखें है, दो प्यारे हाथ हैं (जो जब न तब मेरे बालों को खींच लेते हैं)
तुम्हारी मीठी साँसें हैं
बस यही धूरि है मेरी अब
तुम से, तुम तक ही..
मेरे दिन और रात हो गए हैं

किसी से सुना  था,
प्यार जब होता है तब ही खुद के दिल की गहराइयाँ पता चलती हैं
ये अब समझ आया है,
तुम तो लगता है मेरी आत्मा तक पहुँच गए हो
वो भी बिना कुछ बोले

शायद मेरी शकल भी अभी तुम्हारी जेहन में सही आकार नहीं ले पायी होगी
पर कभी कभी  तुम्हारी आँखें यूँ कहती हुई लगती हैं
कि चाहे मैं तुम्हें पेह्चानूं या ना पेह्चानूं
तुम्ही मेरी ख़ास लड़की हो

घर बहार, बाजार
हर तरफ तुम्हारा छोटा सा चेहरा दिखता है
मेरे अंदर की छिपी ख़ुशी को तुम्हारी शक्ल मिल गयी है

मेरे बच्चे , मेरे गुड्डे
मेरे दिल को तुमने बड़ा कर दिया और वहां प्यार ही प्यार भर दिया
जिंदगी ने एक और मौका दिया है , जिंदगी को अपने घर लाने का
अब जिंदगी चाहे जहाँ ले जाये, चाहे जो दिखाए
हम और तुम मिलके सब आसान कर लेंगें

होगा क्या हम ना जानें , नयी भर लें उड़ानें...
जज्बात ने पर हैं फैलाये , तुम आये 

Resilience

I wonder how in the most devastating moments of one's life, we humans can still think or bother about the most mundane.

When the heart is racing beyond recognition and palpitation is running high, some part of your brain sends a signal : "Looks like I need to get another bottle of body lotion"

While there are tears in the eye, and accidentally you lock eyes with yourself in the mirror, there is a tiny voice which says : "Maybe my eyebrows need threading again, too disheveled!"

Its amazing how a part of you is breaking and scattering into pieces, there is another part which keeps the equilibrium by thinking of inane stuff

Maybe this is what makes we humans get back to normal after every disaster in life, this is what builds the strength in us, in our worst nightmares

So in my heart I always know, I might be breaking right now, but I will be fine sooner than I expected

Cos I know that those who can break are the ones who can really build something

I know I will be breaking many times over now, but I will resurrect cos I will have you to gather my scattered soul

Resilience in human specie is an amazing thing!