Its only words..

"Have a a good life, and get what you wish", someone says this when they are about to disappear from your life

"Take care", someone utters this as habit, while leaving you all alone

I hate such ending lines, said so often by people who actually leave you alone
Who are never there with you in your worst moments, but say these "feel good" sentences..which actually makes them feel alright with themselves for the moment

I know its a formality many a times, but sometimes you really want the person who is saying it, to stay back and take care of it all

If I have to take care of myself, you dont need to tell me to do so, I would do it anyways, while knowing I am alone in this
But if you do care, stay back and take care of me
Dont ever ask me to do it all by myself...your asking me does not help me one bit

I do feel & sound like a fanatic sometimes, when it comes to relationships
I make every word count, and I make every single moment etched in my brain, to MEAN something
Meaningless has no space in my arena

I wish I was one of them to say those things, while I meant nothing close to it
I never can, all I have to give someone I leave is emptiness, in words and in feelings
I can never conjure enough great sounding words, to salvage my leaving and going away from someone's life

I am really stuck tonight, to follow the words or to follow the heart
Should my heart swoon at someone saying the right words, of "love", "commitment" et al
Or should my heart listen to the unsaid, and believe its own beats

Cos after all "words are all you have to take my heart away"

Its strange how the words betray you...like they do...with me
I begin to write something and my words fly away...I totally completely forget what is it that I began with

Tonight shall I believe the superficial and esconce myself in the grandeur of the said
Or feel the unsaid from someone, who never had enough words to tell me anything

Love has roots in places you never knew existed in your heart

Can you be you?

I don't claim to be blemishless
But I can only claim...
That I would give you my darkness, for the darkest in me
The pure dirt, for the dirtiest in me
Never the impure dust

But if you give me white lies, for the black in you
I would smudge my dark, and my dark would rot in me
Into a rotten quagmire, which would make me, unrecognisable to you
And bring this US down

Cos its only the dark shared, in its truest form, in us
Which can ever bring us to light...!

A single lie destroys a whole reputation of integrity

I don't do well with lies. How small or big they are
And also moulding a truth, blatantly staring at your face, into small piles of lies so that the whole big pile is a big lie, yet the person doing it considers everything as SMALL

whats the problem with some people to not state the obvious, and degenrate into lies, when it is so much easier and better to just blurt the truth and get done with it?

Honesty can be so beautiful.
Some people just shine, and we know its the blatant honesty in them which gives them an aura

you dont need to be the best..just be honest...to be a greater person than who you are right now..even if the honesty affects you badly

the pathetic attempts to hide the obvious, the pain to stand by a lie(which would not even matter in the long run of life) ,gives a certain ugliness to people, beyond their imagination

Some people lie for nothing, like these:

“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.”  

" A liar knows that he is a liar, but one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive is a craftsman of destruction."

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you" - Nietzsche

"It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one" - George Washington

The moment you drop your guards, the moment your face falls, and then shines with the truth,
there is a bit of me that becomes yours, and there is a bit of you that becomes mine

In that moment of truth, we own each other..thats the only way to own and be owned
Every lie is a separation, a killing of something which could have been

"I step into the harsh light of the truth,  because when you stand in that light
You make self right, you find forgiveness
you find happiness, you find love"~ One Tree Hill

His antics and my heart

 He comes near me and sits quietly, tired from playing in the playgroud
Very unlikely for him to be so low, given his high energy levels, at all times

I tell him I need to go, for some work
And he, inspite of his low energy, squeaks "नहीं, तुम मत जाओ " (No, you don't go)

My love for him finds its roots, and I stay back for a few minutes, all the while trying to distract him with something
"I will get you more mentos (his favorite toffee)"
And for once he is not excited, his face shows his disinterest and he does not smile

"Show me your drawings, what did you draw today"
His governess shows me, while he unwillingly and half heartedly participates
And the very next moment he is back to "Don't go please"

Sometimes your heart just fills with love, and saddens at the same time.
With all the premonitions...
The future of him growing up and growing apart,
Me going out of his life..
All that in just that moment of sweetness, when he so wants me around him

I try again to take his mind off my going away, while I attempt tp quietly slip out

"Look at this song on TV, its so nice..your favorite"
 "When this song finishes, then you can go"..he tries to bargain, and looks up at me..to delay my going

And I love him a little more..if thats possible!

I tell him "I am just going to Sony world(a place near his house) and come back soon"
And his face lightens up

He goes to the couch and lies down face flat
I ask him "whats wrong?"
He says "निन्नी आ रही है "(I am sleepy)..and he really looks so tired and sleepy

I ask him to give me a hug,he opens his arms and as I hug him he says softly
"You are goign to Sony world na? Go to and come back soon!"

I just wish he forgets that I promised to come back, and is cheerful once he wakes up..which am sure he would be

My guilt of lying to him, weighs me down...

Oh the million ways this heart can break!

Empty heart

Sometimes the heart is completely empty

You try to fill it, with all the notions of happiness

With things like : Count your blessings, reckon your achievements

But the walls of your heart reject each and all of those ideas, like mismatched blood

Or is it that some people are just made like that? Their DNA rejects drips of sanity and happiness?
They can only filter out grief, absurditiies of heart, malfunctioning of brain

A forlorn, miserable identity carved into their system, unknown to them

I tried making happiness complete me
But what made me whole, was the emptiness of it all

Its done :)

Its done and I have cleared it..whatever it was I wrote about here http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2013/07/quick-post.html

And thanks to those who wished me luck :)

Update - It was a PMP certification from PMI. Would make sense to only those you know about it though

Love it

He reminds me of tea and coffee
of sunshine falling on hills before sunset

the ceramics cups and galsses in my kitchen..adding colour to the life around me
and of the inebriated state of marijuana

Yes he is is like that......

Or is it I who has made him like one??

with my forever state of marijuana inebiration
with myself?

whatever it is..its nice to be in it
either him or me..making us larger than what we are

Love it, cos I done have much to love anywhere else!