I might be glorifying you in my mind, but that was meant to be

We never held hands like usual couples, neither of us were the mushy kinds. But you would go overboard with disgust for couples who did all that, around us. Your face bore such expressions of annoyance in them, if we saw a couple feeding one another with their hands or something like that.
And I could never understand your extreme loathing towards anything which had any semblance to intimacy.Maybe by showing your utter disgust for such things,you were dismissing something soft and sweet inside you.

But when I hummed a song while making tea in the kitchen, you would reduce the volume of TV to hear me. And if even then you could not, you would ask me "क्या गा रही हो? जोर से गाओ ना.." (What are you singing, please sing a little louder)

Did you know I felt so unstitched in front of you after that, a warm feeling would sweep all over me..no one has asked me to sing ever, noone has showed interest in something which is not my forte
Yet I would continue in my low volume, acting nonchalant

You would never call me anything other than my bare first full name, in its most correct way
Never "Sweets" or "Baby"
But You would do it with other women, friends or flirt-buddies, I had heard and seen you doing that, but never with me

I was always the woman beyond words of endearment to you

Other men have used those words on me, from most sublime to most obnoxious
But noone ever called my name the way you did..it still rings in my ears sometimes and makes me feel whole

But when we spoke to each other, we never knew which words are to be emphasized, where do the punctuations lie...
Our words just flew around when we were together
Spilling...from me to you and you to me
In its inarticulate form , in its uncouth raw form

I never knew what you liked about my face, or if you found me pretty. Men have had exotic words for my eyes, lips, hair and body..but never you


But then you would sometimes say something like this offhandedly: "Where is that black top of yours? The one you wore last Friday and your hair was swept back tightly in a ponytail. Dint see you wearing it after that?"


You never realized but just there in that moment,you splashed a pretty rainbow in the trajectory of my life. A rainbow I can go and grab anytime.
Why wouldn't that black shirt become my favorite?
I don't tie my hair like that often anymore

We never went thru the stage of infatuation, of dreaminess and flitting glances in a room full of people..we were always where 2 people are, after being comfortable with each other.
The first flush of love gone long past, yet the thirst un-quenched.

Yet when every Thursday, in-spite of all our fights, you would message me "कहीं चलें?" (Shall we go somewhere?). And that would always make me feel all is well with the world, everything is in its place and I can be saved

But I would keep saying "No", though knowing that eventually we will be out on the streets like vagabonds, excavating our past and future

I remember those winters as summers of my life

When you left on 8th October 2004, and we had a spell of no communication for 2 months(though we saw each other daily), you came by my desk and shook my hand, hesitated for a moment as if you wanted me to come along with you somewhere...far away

I dint even look at you, you murmured something, I ignored and you left

Then I blankly stared at the monitor, numb with a feeling of umbilical chord being cut again and again
And I wondered..what is it that you gave me, when you denied me the very nuances of love?

मैं सारी रात कतिया कतिया करून ..
..नचदी फिरूं , टपदी फिरूं, कीली मैं नपदी फिरूं
हद करूं, हद करूं, हद करूं.....
यारा बुल्ले लुटिया करूं , लुटिया करूं, लुटिया करूं
मैनूं डर हुन नइयो जगदा , तेरे लिए हुन जीयु ते मरूं

(I will spin your cotton..I will do anything for you
the whole night
I keep jumping, dancing
I nab the sticks
I reach the limits, the limits
Beloved, I am enjoying myself
I am not afraid anymore of the world
I will live and die for you)

This song and this scene irrevocably reminds me of my days with you

Though I never kept my head on your shoulders, or held you from behind...and you always had that grievance with me



I dont know how many sat behind your bike after me, how many kept their heads on your shoulder, but I do know one thing, with gut wrenching certainty, that you would look for me in each one of them..as I keep doing that..and tuck you inside my heart, like a sweet dish which is to be relished till everything else is gone long away

I might be glorifying you in my mind, but that was meant to be...