Dont know what it is

She dint know what it was..the new found haterd for him, or the earlier affection..which caused this uneasiness in the heart..
Or was it her whole premise of love which stifled her..caught her unawares..anytime
While she was travelling..or busy with some thing important..
It hit her..and she would get lost
Lost as a little girl..as she used to be earlier
Scared of ghosts..scared of dark..scared of love?
Took one step forward and then two steps back...
cos that one step taken dint land her anywhere
Reach out with child like eager..and then recoil..
To realize that what she wanted is not what she should have
She hears someone say "I love you"..but doesn't feel a thing...cos love doesnt come easy
She loves to hate and hates to love...

So I ask her to delete all pictures as well..from the canvas of her heart
I tell her not think of a moment..when she loved his cologone..
When all she wanted was to hug him and make him feel wanted
A moment when his face was bent on hers..and all she could see in this whole world was him...nothing else..absolutely nothing

She will forget..so will he... She will hate him..so will he...She would have regrets...so will he!
Is it how its supposed to be in the end?

Then guess let her have no beginnings...

Murmurs

Nothing much happens
A few glaces exhanged..a few words spoken
I hear footsteps..
but dont want to know who has come or who is going

Quietness eludes me..

I love sitting by the window..or did I just think I loved it?
Am no more sure of what I loved

Cross the coffee shop.. a faint breeze of memory brushes acroos
the talks, the coversations and the coffee..was it me?
That running around on the bike...the laughter ringing in my mind

Yes it was me..so very me!

On the streets..across the walls..at the hoardings and in the clubs
I see moments...written and re-written..
The assurance and reassurance of those moments stays with me

the sweet nothings and the bitter somethings..

sometimes a wierd thought creeps in my mind

Do people see me or my memories written large on my face?

Am I the whole me...or scattered in moments..

Moments are over...am I over too?

I push memories away...they form a cobweb around me

They say...life is a stage and we are all playing a character

Then why cant I play my favorite character always?

Silence prevails...as if to combat the loud muttering in my mind
And in the silence of night..all the unspoken words start talking to me

Of Astro...Occult...and Soulmates

I am reading an interesting book these days. It talks about magic, nature, astrology and soulmates.

I came across a very novel thought in this book, might be an old one, but kind of struck me.
It says that since the time this universe came into existence, not a single atom has been added to it.
Matter has changed forms, but the sum total from the beginning of life has been the same.

There are 2 ways to know magic in the world..Tradition of the sun OR Tradition of the moon..and both traditions say that all magic begins with search of the soulmate

And with this perspective, the author goes to explain the concept of soulmates...

At the beginning of life, there were very few people but with passing away of each person, the cells of his/her soul multiplied in 2 or more and got divided in different people.
One was male and the other female. Hence the number of people grew in this world.

So in life, one soul is always looking for its other part...and whatever a man does...how ever much he earns or gets power, his true happiness only lies in finding the other half of his soul

And if in one's life, even for some brief moments, one gets a chance to come across his/her soulmate, then all the moments before and after it are worth living..

So now the question comes if there is a possiblity that the soul gets multilied in more than 2? What happens then?
And answer is that it is possible and it leads to a lot of heart break and complications in life...and ends in loneliness!

It also says how to recognize your soulmate. You would see a light above the left shoulder of the person who is your soulmate.

I could imagine myself staring at left shoulder of all the guys I met...a funny sight though!

But inspite of few things which I dint understand in the book...which sometimes I couldnt relate to or grasp the essence of, it was a good feeling to know that there is a power above us. It comforted me to think that there are things which are not in my control, which are preordained.

It fills me with hope, belief in magic and all that it entails...

Some love poems...

Some love poems which I wrote more than 10 years ago..
Maybe I was in love..or maybe in love with love itself..
Forgot the moments..forgot the person...forgot how I used to be then
But the imprints remained...
Nice to go back in time and revisit myself

-------10th Dec 1997----
वो चेहरा जो सिर्फ़ मेरा हो
वो होंठ जो सिर्फ़ मेरे लिए हँसते हों
वो दिन जब सूरज मेरे लिए खिला हो
वो बातें जो सिर्फ़ मुझे पता हो
वो नजर जिसे सिर्फ़ मैं समझ पाऊँ
ये सब कुछ, और भी कुछ
जो सिर्फ़ मेरा हो
प्रभु भेज देना इक दिन इस जमीन पर
---------10th April 1998------------------
जब तुम मुझसे कुछ बातें करते हो, तुम्हारे जाने के बाद यूँ लगता है
जैसे ये बातें पुरानी हैं
ये तुम्हारी बातें मेरे साथ कई सालों से हैं
मैं हमेशा से इन्हें सुनती आई हूँ ...
और फ़िर समय kकाल मुझे हिसाब नहीं रहता
याद नहीं आता की कभी तुम मेरी याद में नहीं
तुम तो शायद हमेशा से मेरे साथ थे
अब मैंने तुम्हें ढूंढ लिया है
तुम मेरे साथ रहो न रहो, मुझे फिक्र नहीं
अब मैं तुम्हें जब चाहूंगी ख़ुद में पा लूंगी
मिल जाना यूँ ही हमेशा
क्योंकि तुम्हारा मिलना ही मुझे मेरा ख़ुद को पाना है
-------------13th Sept 1998---------------------
तुम यूँ ही देखते रहना मुझे
तुम्हारी आँखें आसमानी हैं
ये मुझे आकाश में उड़ने को कहती हैं
ऐसा लगता है मेरे दिल को तुमने भाप बना के उड़ा दिया है
वो ऊपर ही ऊपर उड़ता जाता ही
मेरे पास रहना ही नहीं चाह्ता
पर मुझे पता है
तुम जब चाहो मुझे देखोगे और मेरा दिल सिमट आएगा तुम्हारे पास
तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी धूरी हैं
चाहे जहाँ भी जाऊं मैं , केंद्र तुम ही रहोगे
----------14th Sept 1998-----------------------
Whats there so far away?
I want to touch it
I want to know what it is..
Thats what will take me away..from all the chains of this world
From the durdgery of the days
I lack the knowledge, I am thirsty for something
Is it my own soul..as naked as it was born
Untouched by the lies and deceit...
Or Is that you, shining so bright...in the abyss of my mind?
-------4th Feb 1999----------------------------------
मुझे क्यों मन करता है
तुम्हें अपने बचपन में ले जाना
जब मैं गुडियों से खेलती थी
जब मुझे रोज सपने आते थे
सपने जिनका कोई मायने नहीं होता था
सपने जो मुझे तब छू के जाते थे, जब मैं अपने घर की सीढियों पे बैठती थी
अपने आँगन के चबूतरे पे होती थी
वो सपने जिन्हें मैं खोना नहीं चाहती
मुझे क्यों मन करता है..
अपने हर दर्द को तुम्हें सुनाने का
वो दर्द जो कब के सो गए
वो दर्द जो शायद कभी थे ही नहीं.तुम्हें देखकर मेरे अन्दर वेग से उठते हैं
क्या तुम्हें पता है... मेरे दिल में एक नस है
जो धड़कती है..किसी आहट पे..किसी आवाज पे...किसी महक पे
तुम शायद उन सपनों, उस दर्द को नहीं छू सकते
पर फिर भी ...क्यों दिल करता है तुम्हें सब बताने का?

People don't change

I have come to realise one thing..people dont change.Incorrigible lovers will always be like that and calculating minds will remain so..

you can not transplant a heart where it does not belong..or you can not give O-ve blood to someone who has B+ve blood group

Similary you can not find passion where none lies and cant find stability of mind where tempers and passions are always flying high

And so, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a little crazy .I dont understand why I feel so happy one moment and so down the next

I have come to understand that what I expect or dream of people is solely based on what I can do for them..never considering their limitations

We're living in a "do-nothing" world... Where it doesn't matter so much as what you do, as long as you have the "right words" to justify your actions...

They no longer put liars and heart-breakers in jail !

I wonder if it wrong to be a child-like human, and right to be an emotionless God?

This turmoil within me sometimes tears every feeling within, and I cease to be what I ever used to be and wanted to be..

And as this Robbie Williams songs goes ..atuned to my heart's stirrings

"I just wanna feel real love

feel the home that I live in

'Cause I got too much life running thru my viens, going to waste

I scare myself to death That's why I keep on running

Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming"

"Tell me a story Where we all change,

And we'd live our lives together, And not enstranged "

Addu..my niece

My niece Addu..Advita Shekhar as she calls herself

She is a bundle of joy for me..and also of love

love in its unadulterated form..when you love just cos your heart wants to

not conditioned to what we should love..not borne out of any obligations

whenevr she comes near me..we both feel this surge of love which ends in a hug

sometimes when I am down and feeeling really low..I just want to hug her and she understands that..she gets to know that all I want to do is hug her and inspite of being a kid that she is, she lets me hold her without fretting and throwing tantrums

She was here for the weekend and I was feeling a little low one day, for no obvious reasons, and she was sitting next to me...I just wanted to hold her hand and she let me do that..she is so fidgity and restless most of the times(I guess most kids are) but she just held my hand and sat there...all this just at the age of 4 and half...

I guess its a bond..an unspoken one..between us..which makes me love her in an inexplicable way..and she reciprocates too

Songs...

We sisters were together over the weekend..and apart from all the gossip, dancing, merry making..we also have one evening full of songs....its an integral part of our get togethers..
And this time, one of Belu's friend was there, who is a semi-professional singer and Belu also sings with him in various programmes..

The whole set up was there..mike, guitar and people full of enthusiasm to sing..
And I realised, that songs have a strange way of uplifting humans(at least me)...

they uplift in their gaiety as well as in their sadness...
"दिल को समझाना कह दो तो क्या आसाँ है...दिल तो फितरत से सुन लो न बेईमान है..ये खुश नहीं है जो मिला..बस मांगता ही है चला..जानता है दिल की हर लगी का दर्द ही है बस एक सिला"..I hear this line and it feels like a part of me..and even if this line depicts sadness, it makes me smile and exhilirates me..cos of its capability to relate to my own senses..

Amongst all these beautiful songs my adorable niece comes

and says "Sumi mausi I want to sing ABCD on mike"..

and we let her do that..

I too make an attempt..inspite of Belu's dissuasions(She feels that anyone who does not sing professionally should not try to sing on mike...but I don't listen and always butt in)..I start off with "जाने दो ना, जाना जाने दो ना, मुझे तो जाने दो ना, छोड़ो बाहें मेरी मुझे तो जाने दो ना.. " not bad indeed!

Belu's friend sings quite well, though he has not learnt it..and is so passionate about it that his enthusiasm can get on to anyone...
Kishore..lata..shreya..we sing songs sung by all of them and many more..sometimes I am there and sometimes I am somewhere else...in my mind and heart..
"मोरा सैयां मोसे बोले ना.. " love this song by "Fuzon"...

And as the evening weaves a lot of forgotten scenes

in front of my eyes..I come to realise that good songs are

connection to your past and also an invitation to the future.