Love or self?

Sometimes I think, whats the most important thing for a human..love or self?

Is there any love..which goes above the self? Which can surpass all barriers created by the ego?

If so, then should I presume that when it becomes difficult to talk to people, not cos of any heart breaking incident..but cos of some useless moments of arguments and stupid discussions..which leads to non-talking modes, that the ego surpasses love?

Sometimes it has also happened that such small reasons have led to total rift in relationships..when people could not resolve trivial issues..could never reach out to the other person..just cos of this thing called ego

In such cases, the reason for the fight is so trivial that often people don't even remember what caused it..all they recall is that they don't wish to see this other person again and meeting them is an unpleasant event

For some relationships..it does not even matter whether you talk again or not..maybe cos you did not like those people enough to begin with..so if such a relationship breaks...its no love lost..and you are more than happy to let go

But with some people..who you have always loved..you don't understand why it gets so difficult

People say..love always exists...that in spite of fights, some love conquer it all..

But I say..when that love does not show often..when that love does not reach you..when that love is not something you can vouch for or depend on..which does not go beyond the chains of ego..then I guess it is in its process of disappearing..

Probably we wouldn't even know when it goes..we wouldn't even accept it..but our heart knows its gone

It used to be so easy to forget the differences and enjoying each others company superseded trivial differences..I used to think inner happiness brings about ease in relationships..if you are happy with the world..you bring the same sunshine in each of your relationships..then why do sometimes seemingly happy people hurt others?

And in all this..each one of us would think that they are right..but in reality..each one of us is as wrong as the other person!

The mind cant think
When burdened by the mundane

Grown up or yet to be?

As a kid I always used to wonder..what is it that differentiates me from the grown ups..why am I called a child and they adults?
Why don't I get the kind of respect they get..why do the so called adults dismiss me off the way they do?
Is it what I say does not make sense to them (to me they perfectly did) or is it the way I look?
I analyzed..scrutinized..racked my brain every day..trying to find a reasonable reason, which made the adults and me stand apart
And one day a thought crossed me..I guess it has to do with the way I climb the stairs..I always used to climb 2 steps at a time..and sing loudly..and I sang all thru the day..while in car..or climbing stairs..basically every gap of my day was filled with either singing or dancing around..

I had never seen an adult doing all that..so I concluded that this has to be the reason..

But even now sometimes I find myself doing the same..singing..almost dancing (even when no one is looking)..so I am a little confused..do I call myself an adult yet..or No?

8 (Not always)

I have been tagged by Shruti and seemed like an interesting tag. Though I feel 8 is either too big or too small a number for some of the sections :) So I have been lenient enough to add as many points as I felt or could

8 TV Shows I Love to Watch:
- Reality shows on music and dance, with all the spices added :)
- F.R.I.E.N.D.S
- Radha ki betiyan kuch kar dikhayengi (This show is over now but any show which shows 3 sisters from small town is close to heart. This show is by the same people who had made "banagei apni baat" 16 years ago on Zee and it was a favorite then. All 3 of us, along with Ma ,used to sit and wait for it. And Ma used to reminisce about it when we all left our home town )
- Shows on glamor and glitterati, showbiz

Though I watch TV a lot, cant seem to recall anymore which I can list as my fav.SORRY :)

8 Favorite Places to Eat:
- Cosmo village(which has renovated so many times and the name has changed a lot, but some old memories attached)
- Infinitea - Dont go there anymore...but was my hang out almost every day a few years back
- Home
- 100 feet
- Mainland China
..That's it!

8 Things That Happened Yesterday:
- Started house hunting with vigor and focus.Saw some promising ones
- Fought with Ma :(
- Finally took my finances in hand.Sent some mails, made some long pending calls..
- Had a diet day, with just fruits and boiled veggies :)
- Went to sister's place and had tea with family..parents here too
- Made up with Ma and laughed at some funny things which Papa does
- Got a new hand bag from Singapore..gifted by my brother in law :)))
- Finally decided to take digital TV connection and gave them a confirmation

8 Things I Look Forward To:
- All of a sudden buying a house and shifting in it has become priority..something which Ma kept asking me to do and I kept avoiding
- Finishing the 2 books I started simultaneously
- A colleague's marriage
- My elder sister's 2nd kid
- My younger sister's 1st kid
- My father's next passion
- My niece's next adventure
- Thats it..cant think of 8th one


8 Things I Love About Winter:
-I just love winter..reminds me of all the cricket matches played by my father, uncles in our huge house where I stayed as a kid
- My birthday is in winter
- The nip in the air
- Smell of bhuttas getting baked..
- Fashionable sweaters
- Festivity around November..December
- Sitting around bonfire
- Someone or the other getting married

8 Things on my Wish List:
- Health and happiness for me and my dear ones
- Being able to drive around Bangalore
- A red dress..which compliments my figure :)
- Going to Venice
- Get rid of my eye bags
--That's it

8 Things I’m Passionate About:
- Dancing
- Reading
- Writing..whenever I can
- Watching movies
- Shopping (wish someone else could fulfill this passion of mine)
- Clothes
- Net surfing
- Keeping my house clean

8 Words or Phrases I Use Often:
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah yeah yeah
- Shit
- Nonsense
- Why?
- How come?
- I know!
- You bet!

8 Things I Have Learned From My Past:
- Assess yourself before assessing others
- Speak your mind, but think also
- Be sweet to people who are sweet to you, don't take them for granted
- Don't be too honest with people and let yourself out in the open for others to judge
- And if they do, make sure you tell them that you care 2 hoots
- Be yourself, cause in the long run that's how you end up being
- Shit happens, but I have developed this uncanny attitude to deal with it..don't know if its for good or for bad
- Laugh, its curative

8 Places I Would Love to Go or See or Visit:
- Europe
- Kerela
- Coorg
- Egypt
- Singapore
- South Africa
...That's it

8 Things I Currently Need or Want:
- Have guts and the right situation to tell someone that I really really admire him :)
- Get enough courage and money to buy a house
- Facial
- Get rid of that horrible shade on my toe nails
- Sleep
- Make even with someone
- Force my parents to stay with me some more
- Get rid of my eye bags (YES ITS IMPORTANT)

I owe it to you

I haven't been well for 2 weeks or so..my old perpetual stomach issues

Cant eat, cant survive without eating..its a catch 22 situation

My parents and I always feared it has to do with some serious problem inside my stomach..and it needed an endoscopy to be done..which is a painful procedure where they put in a tube inside your mouth till stomach...

But this time around I thought I would do it..once and for all know what the issue is..
And surprisingly everything is perfectly normal..even the ultra sono-graph says "Essentially normal"

I was quite pleasantly surprised (but the fact remains that my stomach does not still behave it self)..

Inspite of me letting my body go through so much of atrocities like outside food, bad food, irregular food habits (comes with being on your own) and alcohal..it still has retained its vital organs in its normal conditions

So I thought I owe it to my body, for being so fine with my bad habits
At least now I should have a good and better food regime..

Lets see how much of it I follow!

Father's day

Today is father's day.. I wasnt aware of it...I knew its in June but dint know the exact date.
Incidentally I was cleaning up my place and all the junk it held and I came across some of the letters and cards which my father had sent me long back..more than 10 years ago

He had written so many things to me..how he was so proud of me..how he missed me at home and so many other things...
I think I took it all for granted back then..cos I knew I was important to him and his writing all that to me just meant assertion of all the facts that I already knew

But now when I look back...now that our interactions are so less..and our fights so much more..the past means so much to me
To know that there was a point when we were so close...when we could talk about just anything under the sun

I thought of him as the smartest and the brightest father in the world..and I still do.his passion for chess(which made us know of most of the chess moves), cricket, tennis, books, science and so many things made me think there is not a single thing in the world that my father does not know about

And I took him to be a super human..incapable of follies..and I guess I erred there




And now..why has it become so difficult to be the same..why have we become so distant? We just call and talk about inane things...

Sometimes I am left thinking...
Does my father know that his daughter sometimes cries for no reason..that at times she spends her days thinking of past and doesnt want to live in the presnt..

Does he know that this life he brought into the world..isnt happy with the world and the people in this world all the time?

Massakali jara mattakali

Some body asked me today..hey I do not understand the meaning of this song.."massakali jara mattakali..tadi se mud ada se ud..chal fur fur..tujhe hero banana re.." do you get it?
I could not reply for a second..and then I smiled within..and felt like telling her..

If this song does not stir something in you..if it does not make you feel light and vibrant and smile...how can I explain it..
No I can not....how does one define meaning of words and sentences which are meaningless yet express a lot?

well you would understand this song only if you are one "masakkali" ;)