A breeze

Today I crossed K.T.Apartments in millers road..a place in Bangalore where I used to stay 7 years back...
Whoa!How time flies...

I remember my last few days in Hyd..I was sick..and I had to manage everything on my own..movers and packers..clearing of all bills...et al..

My stomach was giving me a tough time and I ate almost nothing in my last few days there..
But I was dying to be in B'lore..and away from Hyd...so this feeling gave me all the energy to go through the grind..

And today..when I crossed that apartment..all the moments spent there touched me like a gentle breeze..

Addu..Anu di..our fights...new year parties...drinking and making a scene
Those magical nights..when I would be sitting behind a bike..with no care in the world...laughing to my heart's content...or drop dead angry...yet not ready to let go
Infinitea...tea sessions..with fish and chip....

Making excuses over the weekend to go out...and Anu di(my elder sis) acting like a CBI officer..ready to follow me and watch my every move :)

And finally...seeing all of them go away...
8th October 2004..someone close left for the US..
and then 10th October 2004...Anu di and Addu left for Mumbai

I was numb..in new house,with a new girl, whom I dint know..and no soul to call my own!

I felt like I used to feel as a kid...when my mom left me to go out for some shopping
I used to feel as if eveyrone around is a hostile alien..ready to hit me
My only protector was my mom..and if she was not there..I was not safe

The same feeling hit me...on 10th Oct..when all my close ones left me alone in this city..and I had no clue where to go from there...

All this came back to me today..when I crossed that apartment..the sweet bitter things!

A conversation

"You thought I could have ever loved you?"

"So you used me?"

"I don't want to ans you..."

"I need an ans!"

"Well..you were ready for this..so you cant blame me.."

"What the hell do you mean??"

"You were ready to fall in the abyss..that I led you into..now don't you dare act prudent about it"

"!!!!!..why the hell do you hate me so?"

"How can you want everything so perfect..how can you know all the details to the centimeter?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well..you just seem to know everything about everything..the rum was just 60 mm left..the lamp was placed to the left when we left last.."

"Soooooo??"

"There is no mystery with you..there is no chaos..everything is in order"

'And you hate it??"

"yes !! I hate order in life...you make me feel as if everything was planned..why cant you ever falter?"

"Cos I just know things..cos I consider all outcomes.."

"Then why dint you consider the outcome..that I could totally fall out of love..out of you?"

"Cos I believed in me..in us"

"Huhhhh Us??!!!!whats 'us' here? I am me and you are you...did you ever realize this truth?"

"Dint you ever feel anything for me"

"I did...maybe just for a while..when there was a mystery about u..when I could sense a feeling of possibility..when I could believe in my dreams..and believed you fitted them.."

"I am the same..what happened then sweetheart?"

"You happened..in its finality!"

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing..just be yourself..yet make me want you again and again...make me feel the rush in my veins..make me remember the forgotten songs...make me feel like a girl from yesterday..."

Sometimes everything sucks..
The demons of our own hearts...dont let us rest

We try looking for a reason outside..we try putting the blame on someone
But in the end..we cant fight what we are..and have become!

Mere ghar ka seedha sa itna pata hai..

Mere ghar ke aage mohabbat likha hai..

Na dastak jaroori..na aawaaj dena
Main saanson ki raftaar se jaan loongi..
hawaaon ki khushboo se pehchaan loongi

Zindagi...zindagi..mere ghar aana..
aana zindagi...

....More to come :)

Fun and chaos!

Whenever there is a get-together of my family here are excerpts of the usual sounds in the air..

"where the hell is my slipper..oh again u have flicked it"..and the slipper is snatched from under the feet!!

"Have you taken my hair clip..give it back..I need it"..and the clip is snatched leaving the person, who was using it, with horrible hairstyle :)

"Can someone get another round of tea"..and people look at each other with anticipation :)

"who is in the bathroom yaar??Taking ages to come out"..accompanied by loud thuds on the bathroom door

"I need to shampoo and apply mehandi on my hair"
- "what? with so many people around you cant have such elaborate plans. you need to rush"
- "Please don't tell me what to do..I will go to the parlor and get it done..you can carry on without me if you want"

"Are you going for a bath or shall I go?"
- "I will go last cos I don't want people knocking on the door and rushing me!"

"Ma, can you drape the saree for me"
- "She is helping me right now"
- "But I need her too"
(And poor Ma is all dressed and helping us getting dressed and getting her Saree crushed in all this)



There are fights for silly things..crying of kids..accompanied my grumpy voices of parents..
But when all are gone..there is a silence which is worse than the earlier chaos!

We, the middle class

Back in Patna, we had a male servant at our place, and there was a married female maid servant too. The guy used to stay with us and the maid used to come during the day and go off. She had 2 kids whom she used to get to our place at times.

One day when I went into the kitchen, I saw something , which suggested something fishy is happening between the two..a lot of drama ensued after that and eventually this guy left our place

After years..I got to know that this woman left her husband and is now staying with this guy..she hasn't divorced her hubby and not married this guy..but without any qualms, staying with our man!

And I wondered if anyone in our society can dare to do such a thing..
By our society I mean the middle class..that portion of society which has to probably preserve the meaning of the word "society"..follow the norms and rules and regulations

The "upper" class (As they say it) and the "lower" ones are exempted from this..their lifestyles are based on their whims..they don't have to justify or explain themselves and their actions..
Married to one..sleeping with another..divorced 9 times and remarried to the first one..
They can play the piano of their lives to churn out the music as they want..when they want

Wish all stratum of society had the guts to follow that

Yet I cant say for sure that I do want the ultra-freedom..cos it brings a certain instability of character, which not all can handle or retain.

My father is pretty much the anti-society kinds, but am sure in his heart he would not want us to do things outside the bounds of what is right

If today I start staying with a man, without marriage, am sure he will be against it..
He wont disown me..but he will be hurt and wont be able to stand by me or defend me

And why him..maybe I am also scared to go that extra mile..required to be called a non-conformist

I wonder how society can ban us from doing things which can make us happy..how society can guide us into things which we just don't believe in..how society can make us victims of our own inadequacies

We claim to be free..yet get molded by society..we claim to be brilliant..yet governed by society..we claim to be young..yet let society define it...we claim to be an individual..yet its the society which tells us what we are
who the hell is this society???

Just a mad day!

We cry..cos we want things! We feel angry..cos we belive we are entitled to happiness! We feel sad..cos we think we deserve the best.we feel dejected..cos we compare.

SOOOOO..how will it be if we think we don't deserve anything..or if we feel happy for whatever others have got..and it does not matter if we get all the love, money and care in this world??
Would be fun I guess..when you no longer disassociate yourself and your happiness from happiness of others..when you want things beyond the realm of self-gratification

Well..she is having such thoughts cos she is in a state of delirium today..
Sometimes a day seems like a fight..and every single person seems to cause anxiety to her...
She feels she is dealing with too much all alone..house..work..and the growing heat!
She is running fever and misses someone to fuss over her..not that people dont care or dont ask..but just that special warmth..which comes only with an overpowering love..maybe she is missing her mom

She feels she has stopped throwing tantrums..cos she knows there is noone to bear it..she has stopped demanding things..cos there is noone to fulfill..she does not feel she has the right at anything..cos there is noone who will stand by her, in all her eccentricities
She wonders if we do need that someone..or is the need created by seeing others having that comfort with another person..where they can be themselves!

She thinks too much and speaks so less now..

The only solace she has is..one day all this will be gone..nothing is permanent..this transience brings her peace!

But just sometimes..she wants a heart..where her own heart can rest..safe and smug!