And she kept searching..
                          ...Being sure only of what she did not want!

I think people who have this commitment phobia are scared of themselves more than the commitment thing
They are not sure if they can be so good for someone to stay for life, they are scared if the other person falls out of love
They don't know if they can be as interesting company, as good to love, as good to be loved back..in the long run
And that's why they camouflage it with this notion of "commitment phobia" and hold it as an additional charm to their personality

And same is with flirts..their desire to flirt with many stems from some inner complex..probably they know every stint will be a small one..and they start looking for another before they delve more into any one person

Its their own deficiency which makes them what they are, and the project it onto the ones who fall for them

I admire those who can love one person for long..I envy their strength and their passion

Laughter

She does not smile much, laughter comes rarely to her
People think she is snooty, but there was an issue with her
Smiling seemed like an exercise, everytime she tried doing it...for other's sake

The stretching of muscles and getting a twinkle in the eyes, required lot of effort on her part
When people would be splitting with laughter and falling on each other, she felt lost in their mirth
Noone understood why she doesn't smile, but one look at her and they would all stop laughing. They felt silly in her presence, to laugh like that...

Sometimes she thought she could give it a try, laugh with them, even if the laughter did not reach her heart
But each time she tried, she was moved to tears, she could not play that lie with herself..and with them

So when he told her today - "Your laugh-less face is something I find very attractive..I like trying to find a hint of smile..genuine smile on you..its worth all the effort", since then she has been smiling for no reason

Its like laughter is rippling through her, in her veins, all the way to her soul

She laughs all alone, effortlessly -
      while making tea..watching tv...walking on the road..roaming in the malls

She laughs in the bus, on the terrace, at work in front of the monitor
Every one around her seems to laugh back at her

And now she is trying to find a way to stop this maddening laughter, to cure this effervescent happiness

To hate or not to

It takes me a while to hate someone, whom I had liked a lot at any point in time
That person could be a relative, a friend..or a lover

I always try to find a reason to like the person, inspite of everything that transpired, which left a bad taste in my mouth

I look for reasons to think that its me who might have been wrong, specially if I liked the person immensely..
Cos in some ways I dont want to accept that my choice could be as wrong as it seemed like
If I defile the person in my mind, I feel as if I defile myself

Up until the point that this person sheds all his/her layers and stands stark in front of me..for exactly what s/he is worth

I just need that moment, when I can see that sparkling truth about that person, and my mind gets so clear, clear from everything which had blinded and misled me earlier

Then I can hate, then its so easy to forget everything

The process is long-winded but it does happen, it sets me free
And this new-found hatred, is a welcome one

I have been having this feeling off-late that I have let out too much of information about me on this blog.

I have left it open for people to read between lines, misinterpret and have their own deductions about what I write.

Specially for people who know me, read much more worse than the strangers would and judge me based on their interpretations

Sometimes questioning me on what I write, who I wrote this for, and so on

So I felt if I should shut my trap about stuff which the world seems to take in their own way (the world doesn't matter as such, its just the people close or had been close who do).

But another part in me says that this is my place, my corner.
I will let the world hamper my space only as much as it deserves
The more I let them enter my world, the more they exercise a power over me

Cos in my mind, I write what I feel like, not by wrong or right

This has been a decision I have been contemplating on, and the other side of me is the one which dominates.
So I don't think I will stop!

Let go

Let go, let go they say
But let go, I will not

Cos letting go is easy to do for the mind
But difficult on the heart

Cos letting go will leave me barren
If I let go , who will hold it for me?

Letting go makes me scattered,
Into tiny molecules, with not a single me in it

Letting go makes me forget
Of what I was and what I wanted to be

So I will hold on
to all the pain, and all the anguish

To the smouldering me
And the negligent you

To the passionate me
And that so dispassionate you

To that ever giving me
And that ever taking you

A time will come
When I can let go

when holding on is no more important

But this one time
Let go, I will not

धूप किनारे

Does anyone remember this pakistani serial of 80s?
Dhoop Kinare...I do, cos I watched it so many times that I have lost the count

Urdu as a language has always charmed me, and the way they talk
Its so sophisticated, beautiful and delicate
Specially the ones from Pakistan, the way words sound from their mouths enchants me

But this serial was close to heart cos of this lead character Dr.Ahmer in it.

God! I used to feel so sick whenever I watched him. I realised later that the sickness I suffered from was love-sickness

How I wished I met a man like him..
My sister's friend had bought all 4 video cassettes of this serial, which used to lie at our place all the time, and we had almost damaged our video player's head by playing it over and over again
And today again I watched all the episodes on You-tube!

Do we see a trend here? Richard Gere, Dr.Ahmer...similar kind of men :)

And this particular song (a poem by Faiz Ahmad Faiz) and scene from that serial, never fails to make my heart yearn, crave and desire like a teenager..every time I hear it

As Dr.Ahmer told Zoya "Dariye nahin girane nahin doonga" (Dont be scared, I wont let you fall), and held her hand, I too gave my heart to be held by him for a long time....

रात यूँ दिल में तेरी
खोयी हुई याद आई
जैसे वीराने में चुपके से बहार आ जाए
जैसे सेहरा में हौले से चले बादे नशीं
जैसे बीमार को बेवजह करार...आ जाए

Here is the translation by Vikram Seth:

          Last night your faded memory came to me
          As in the wilderness spring comes quietly,
          As, slowly, in the desert, moves the breeze,
          As, to a sick man, without cause, comes peace..

And hers is that scene: