Love it

He reminds me of tea and coffee
of sunshine falling on hills before sunset

the ceramics cups and galsses in my kitchen..adding colour to the life around me
and of the inebriated state of marijuana

Yes he is is like that......

Or is it I who has made him like one??

with my forever state of marijuana inebiration
with myself?

whatever it is..its nice to be in it
either him or me..making us larger than what we are

Love it, cos I done have much to love anywhere else!

Feminist?

I was filling up some applications for some official stuff and there was a column which said

Father's name :-
Husband's name (if applicable) ;-

I , as per habit, cut off the husband part and wrote my father's name and carried on with other sections of the form.
In a few seconds it struck me that I do have a husband now and realised I might have to re-do this page and got a little miffed about the re-work.

And in that moment I realised whats this whole thing about a woman having to write father's or husband's name? What does it warranty?

So a mother or a wife has no bearing in anything official? Why doesn't a form ever ask for their names? They do not have an identity or presence strong enough in your lives to be required on a form?

Sometimes I wonder why do I hold on to things like this? Why cant I just accept that it is after all a man's world and do whats required without gumption?

Well, if I could do that..it would not be me

My other sister's are not like me, and they also tell me that there are things I should let go, as a woman.

Why do I strive for an equiality in every sphere?Why does it bother me so much that I can ruin it all, just to retain that image of justice in my brain?

I guess there are parts of you, which are away from genes, from up-bringing, from siblings, from the country you are born in

Does that categorize me as "Feminist"..hell if it does! Aiming for euqlaity has names in this world?
Some people derive pleasure in calling someone a "feminist" as if its some abuse..I pity at the mentality of such people who chose to be less humane and blame it on someone who tries to be more?

Sometimes I feel my sense of equality and freedom and  individuality will be my end!
So be it!!!

Quick Post

I have been away for more than a month, ,with lots of thoughts to write about..but not much of time or inclination.
So all that is lying in my draft, or my phone's notes.

But thats cos I have been busy with preparing for something pretty extensively.
And I need best wishes from all on that front.

I will let you know what it is and how it goes, when that happens.

I just had to write this post, cos I cant let my blog abandoned for long.

Those beautiful ones

Those big cities with eye blinding lights seduce me in a way I cant describe

Whenever I croos continents, I cant take my eyes off from sights of citis like this, in the night

"We are crossing Geneva", the announcement is made in the aircraft and like a sucker for beauty I hang onto my window, my co passenger eyeing me if s/he mistook me for an adult

I remember as a child, I would also look out for beauty...
-Of face, of body, of scenery, of words and of pure feelings

Beauty never threatened me, it just heightened my sense of everything within me, what I sought in this world...

I dont know why sometimes I stare in the horizon in twilight..when the sun has gone down and the moom has not come up as yet..a time of the day when all that is alive is part of me
Something scathing, unsatisfied..burning in that moment..the beauty of which bewitches me..my thirst for my life resurrects..and I wish to meet that person who holds the key to my being..in the meeting of dawn and dusk

Jobless in Bangalore

I sit on the couch for hours watching back to back recorded episodes of "Grey'a anatomy" (the earlier ones on star plus and later ones on Zee Cafe), One tree hill, mad men..and anything which catches my fancy while flipping channels

I start feeling as if I was born and raised on this couch

So how does it feel being so free and having time to yourself to pursue whatever you want, must be really great!
NO it sucks!

There were so many interests I pursued earlier, while I was working and they seemed interesting to me
Now even dance does not excite me...cos everything looks like a compensation for something major I am missing in life
My job..I dont recall a day of my life where I ever thought I would not be working

Even the blog was such a respite earlier..and now it seems like a task!

Some women might be OK not working after marriage, but I was never going to be that woman, thats what I had sworn to myself

And look where life gets you sometimes...amongst the 3 of we sisters, I am the only one not earning right now

The body loses its energy if it does not do what its always meant to...then no substitute is enough.. reading..dancing..fashion...dining out...nothing helps!

So every day I go through such weird thoughts, sitting alone on the couch, willingness to move having left me

Then I pick up broken pieces of my heart and start all over with.....hmmm Grey's anatomy... err One tree hill..

FB or not?

I see people complaining and cribbing so much about the social networking sites like orkut, twitter and majorly majorly FB!


I fail to understand the dimwits who do it!

Who the fuck made FB? We..dint we? normal people like us
And then we think we are important enought to condemn it?

What does FB do? It JUST only JUST gives us a platform to exercise the networking we might want to

Does it force us into anthing? NO! If you dont wish to be friends with someone..you have the freedom not to be.If someoen bores you with his/her updates..just choose not to see that person's updates

Its all and all about you..its a choice you made..like everything else in life

I guess its you who is picks up things for herself/himself...s/he is basically sick of her/his self more than the site...cos that will make that site all the more important to you!

Some people are always whining on FB..of lost love..of how everyone else is bullshit
Some people only talk of sports
Some like to share trivia..cos their lives dont have much to offer to the world

So what?
Just let them be..you be yourself and choose what you want to see..if you can not..that describes you

So as it has always been...life is all about what you choose!

Some people feel important only if they are making someone's life hell

Thats how some people get a kick in their otherwise mundane life.

There is this person in my office, I can not disclose the whole identity of that person since he has found my blog too. But lets just say, he is someone whose opinion and whims can affect me.

And it did finally.

He was tad over-friendly initially, which I first thought as a trait in some people, and ignored.
Then he started calling me for some mentoring sessions , and we would have these 2 hours session, where 1.45 hours would be all inane stuff. As to how his married life sucks, how his extra curricular activities make him different from the rest, how he has brought up his kids marvelously, how he is such an outdoor person but wife is an indoor person and they always have conflict because of that, and how his neighbor is such a competition for him since he cares so much for his own wife that there is always the comparison.And how in the end he and his wife "kiss and make up". Those are his exact words, which made me uncomfortable too.

But I refused to believe that all this saga is cos I am a woman and he wants to spend some time with me.
I even fought with my then fiance, for insinuating any such thing.

Then he started messaging me on office IM, which grew creepy with time.

Well, he had me googled, and unfortunately google shows a lot of information about me.

So he first IMs me about my grand father (which one of my online profile states in full detail), feigns the fact that he knows he is my grand father, asks me if I could get books by him if I go to my home town. Also mentions he is such a big fan of my grand father (well he never mentioned that he knew he is my grand father)

At this very moment I knew he has his data on me.
Then came the story about my secret talent as a dancer, that he has his sources and he knows that about me.
What was he thinking..I am a  dud?

But since the hierarchy is such, I played along and feigned surprise.
And finally he called me to a room and told me that he knows I have a gift of writing. It was getting nauseating for me and I wanted to punch his face, but kept smiling and tolerating.

What I dint anticipate was that announcement of my marriage would change things drastically.

The day I announced, his whole persona took a 180 degree shift.
He refused my leaves, asked me to work till a day before marriage. Which obviously I could not.

When I came back from wedding, he did not bother to even congratulate me. Just called me for a meeting and told me that I would have to go on "Loss of Pay" for all the days I did not come to work, while I was away for my oen wedding.

And if you know me, you know that my temper and intolerance for injustice comes in my way always. So did it this time. I had a massive show down with him, in front of another colleague (who was clueless as to why all the bickering) and I walked out of the meeting

I was aghast at how a married man(15 years of marriage) could hope to have anything with me. What did he think? That I have avoided marriage for so log, to have an extra marital affair with a person whose face resembles a buffalo? What was his game? He manages to be married with a sane woman who is taking care of his house, he should thank his stars for that. Not raise his bars any further.

Finally I decided its in my best interest to resign, since anyways I would be moving out of this city soon.
And now I am jobless in 13 years, not knowing what to do with all the time I have in hand.
Little depressed, little out of sorts.

My blog my solace.

But I am sure, I will finally find my groove