Rebuild me..from scratch..you(who does not exist, only in my mind now)

I surprise myself at the contradictions that I see in me, and the way I deal with different situations with contrasting attitudes

There are times when in the grimmest of grimmest moment, I have acquired a happy disposition, I am actually acting better than before, not panicking, just trusting and believing in something good.

But then comes some other times, I just break into pieces, scattered, not a bit of me knows how to arrange myself in a recognizable fashion.
Those things one might consider very small, and find an outlet to dispose off the garbage, but I find all my outlets clogged and the feeling forming a stench and stinking within me

Sometimes the small things that I wanted in life..they look so big now..
Anything unfulfilled becomes a disease, a nagging pain, an all encompassing feeling pervading every bit of you

Probably those are something so core to you, so abstract, so fragile that you had never known how to deal with them

टूट के बिखरना मुझको जरूर आता है 
वरना इबादत वाला शऊर आता है 

I, for sure, know how to break and get scattered
Otherwise I know the beauty of praying

(I think the translation is not great, and I dont know the best words to do it)

The decision to have a child

I love kids, its no secret. Its a fact well acknowledged in my family, one of the things that defines me.

Love makes you a different and a better person, as they say.

It could be any kind of love, the key is, it is unadulterated.
Even love for a kid. You learn how to give and not expect, you love to pamper and even if they ill treat you at times, you can not give it back and keep loving. You become a slave to their effervescent blabbering, incessant questioning and baby smell.

I have felt all this with my sister's kids. I have been their favorite mausi (aunt) as I spent maximum time with 2 of them owing to the fact that I was single back then and stayed with my sisters when they had their kid.

But after marriage when I started thinking of having my own, I have no idea from where some creepy thoughts made their way in. I recall, I was a few months away from getting married, was waiting for my bus at the stop and I had the wildest thought at that moment.

"What if I hate my own child?"
In-spite of being a lover of kids, I had this disturbing thought. And I tried analysing it, right there at the bus stop.
I felt it stems from this apprehension as to what if you child is a replica of all that you hate in yourself?
Your insecurities, your weaknesses, your lack of judgment and clarity at times, your inability to take risks, your folly of trying to fall into the line with what society wants you to be.
To top it, what if this baby is also made of the things that you abhor in your spouse as well.

A worst possible concoction of a human, I must say.

Yes, I would want my child to have none of that, to be free from the ordinariness that defines most of us. To be a soul whom I can admire and probably rediscover and unlearn the ugliness that we all learn in our lives.

But what if s/he only reminds me of all that more and more, like no one else could have done otherwise?

I would be scared for her/him, love and at the same time loathe all of it, all at the same time!

It will be like reliving and dealing with all your own childhood issue/teenage tantrums..once again.
And it occurred to me that I would not want to love my own replica.

Something I dont like in myself, I can not bear someone else bearing the cross. And that someone else is someone whose whole persona I would be responsible for, while I would not even know from where all anomalies would seep inside that child. Genes and all.

I was contemplating if this is how I felt with surety about having a child or not..

But the very next moment the thought of something born out of your own flesh and blood seemed captivating to me. It must be overwhelmingly joyful to look at a small creature and find a hint of you in it.
Maybe the same eyes, or the smile, or hair..or mannerisms.

The toothless endearing smile, and the way s/he would find solace in me and only me. I would be his/her whole world..at least for a while.

I guess one can forego all the complexities of rearing a child for such irreplaceable joys, a zillion times.

Your child is probably a way of reliving the good, the bad and the ugly, once again.

A weird dream

Yesterday I had a dream which left me wondering.
I get into these phases of dreaming a lot, and then blank nights.
So right now, its a lot of dreams every alternate days.

And the craziest part is, I remember its detail long after.

I dreamt that I had gone to some exotic location. It was India, but looked like out of the world.
I dont know who I was with though, it was a male for sure.
A friend, a brother, a lover...identity of that person isnt something I grasped even in my dream

We are near a huge water bed, its a river with strong currents, not sea but river.
And afar I see a beautiful caravan on a boat. Its something I have never seen before. Lights, music, and I hear laughter and gaiety of people on that boat. Mind you, its a boat and not a ship. With an architecture not common for a boat, its a sight to behold.

I see it moving down with the current towards us, its still far.
 Its full of some hidden happiness, a forgotten possibility and I so long to be in it, at that very moment.
But its still very very far and I wait.
Suddenly I see that the boat is right in front of me, in my reach and I just have to take one small step to be inside.
My partner, whoever he is besides me, asks me to take a leap and be a part of the whole charismatic show. I am all set but suddenly I recall that someone had told me long back that this river has mirages. You see something in front of you which is not there. So don't get fooled and indulge in it.

I tell the same to my friend, but he says its all a myth and boat is right there and we should go in. I turn back to jump into it, and the boat which was closer, suddenly loses its color, from dark brown to pink and then to ashes and smoke and its gone as if it was never there.

I stand crestfallen yet thanking God that I waited for that one moment, when the reality dawned. I shudder at the thought of my plight, had I fallen into the traps of the beautiful mirage in front of me and washed away by the torrents. There is a deep sense of loss and disappointment in me, yet a brooding calm that I was saved.

Yet the beautiful real boat afar is still there and coming towards me, so I still have the flickering hope that someday I might get in.

And I wake up with an after-taste of this dream, mind clogged with various interpretations.

You don't fear being your worst in front of someone with whom you can be your best too.
Someone, who has seen the best in you, makes you comfortable to show your worst, without worrying about the pitfalls and dynamics of the relationship.

There are only 2 aspects of being your worst in a relationship : Either you are too assured of its strong base, or you really dont care about it, since its not giving you anything.

The journey begins again

Why do people stop blogging? The ones who loved doing it once.

I fail to answer, as I am one of them.

And to top it, I think of it everyday. I scribble things and then read it and find it trash and never get to publish. Its like my writing has not ripened enough to be shown to the world.

What stops the flow of eccentric enthusiasm which brimmed earlier? Is it that you have become stale and can not conjure enough novelty? Or is it because you are bored of it? Or is it because you are not sad and yearning for something, which stops you from being dramatic in your writing? Or that you are too busy (most lame excuse, noone is ever too busy to do something they love)? Or is it cos you are too happy in your world that the blog world does not hold any meaning to you anymore?

I dont think its any of that! I think its more of the inertia of things which gets to you, once you get into the motion of not writing. But you keep thinking, I will get back to it with a bang.

I have things to say, share, create. I have too many drafts to publish.

So I have made a pledge, I will write at least once a week. Be it a line, or share a song, or any bullshit.

But I wont stop it to get into that inertia.

My blog has been my shiniest spot in life for over 7 years now, and I can not let go of that.

Not for anything new in life, not for any sorrow or for any joy.

So I hope someone is still looking at this corner of mine, someone is still interested in hearing what I have to say.

And say I will, about me, about things around me.

The journey begins again...

I used to have a music in my heart
A lingering sensation of sweet melodies

I used to have a spring in my feet
Dancing to that lingering music in my heart

This new year I wish, that music comes back to me
In new colours, and new hues
With new possibilities and new avenues

And I can see a glimpse of..
..my lost beauty, in many different ways,
This new year..

Dum Malang Malang..Dhoom

Now that Dhoom 3 is slated to release tomorrow, on its eve I, I wanted to share these bits and pieces of thoughts I have been having, ever since I heard Aamir is playing the new "thief" in this sequel.

I can not help but compare him with Hrithik in last Dhoom (2).
Hrithik, in-spite of his striking good looks, never struck a chord with me, till Dhoom 2 happened..
But when I saw him in this movie, in his glorious avatar, I felt he could generate a spark even in dead water.

He was utterly, purely,unadulterated magnificence personified.
Be it his attitude, or enigma or Greek-god looks, or perfectly sculpted body or the finest and the best..his dance.

Aamir in comparison to all the aspects mentioned above, is a damp squib. He looks like this goody goody guy, or a kid, acting all angry and menacing.
Thats my take, which is surprising, considering the euphoria he created in me when he first came on screen many many years back. You can read more on that here:
http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2010/01/aamir-khan.html

This new kid on the block had managed to block all mys senses back then.
Earlier I would have thought Aamir could do any role and get away with it, but now I am a more objective person and more discerning.

Well here are a few pics of both of them (in the same role in different Dhoom versions) for you to have a dekko, and decide..

Hrithik

Aamir

On another note, I really really wish Aamir does great in this movie, simply cos of the sheer hard work, dedication, heart he puts in every bit of his work. Specially this one, as it has been much more demanding for him to play this, what with a lot of acrobats involved in his dances.

I love the way the song goes Dum Malang Malang...