You deserved the best

Dint you always think.."I deserve the best"
The best school, the best college, the best friends and the best man
But sometimes life doesnt give you the best
Takes away little by little..to tell you..do not be too proud of what you are
Do not squander away what you have

But you did not pay heed..
you thought you have a non repleting treaure of everything
And even when you meet some frogs..your prince would come eventually

But the frogs kept coming, and you kept thinking..
"This is not my end,but just means to achiever the end"
And when there was no light at the end of the tunnel
You tried to make a frog into a prince

That never happened
Frog remained a frog, oblivious of being a frog
And you remanied a princess, with a frog

Now what should you do
Be a frog with a frog..or be a princess and leave the frog
Or the last option is, be a princess and still have the frog..to make you feel like a princess forever !!

We all need a good cry

That half full sentence..with a hint of love..yet shows disconcern
That half complete gesture, which wants to end in an embrace,

but seems to push aside
That sullen tone, which says..you are not part of my world
That undercurrent flowing in the vaccum which engulfs us..

Why have we become so? Why cant we show the love thats there within? Is it that when one feels a lot, one tends to show as little?

Years and ages ago..there was so much of innocence in us
The heart cried when it wanted ....and laughed with abandon
Deviced jokes to tell each other...narrated stories of the outer

and the within

Days and years went by, touching us..but never our souls

So why now this indifference?
why are the sentences laden with some hidden meanings?
And we stop in between, to let not the other person know it
But in an attempt to hide, we reveal more..

why do we bother about the money spent and how and on whom?
why do we want our own space, with our set of rules, never letting anyone close?

Have the years taught us to be what we are not and never wanted to be?

Dont you want to just pull my cheeks as you used to?
Hug me and feel the warmth spread across...as much as I do?

I know that part of me is still there..which was alive..which wanted the world
And I know you are the same
But in just brief moments, unknowingly, we become what we actually are

Maybe we need to think of us, eons ago
Maybe we need to call each others names more often..
Maybe I need to be..what I am right now while I write this
Maybe we need a good cry..

Dreams

Dreams are meant..to be told, not to be lived
To be shared with someone
who, you know, will see your dreams in the same form as they exist in your eyes
Who will know the pain and melancholy of moments captured in your heart,
You can see them taking a shape in the other person's eyes
Who will add colours to them, by relating to your unborn dreams
Then you feel as if you lived those dreams, by being with that one person
And sing all the songs unsung
As he knows all the words, even without you telling him

Have we forgotten the art of talking?

With due respect to all TV viewers and video games freaks..I somehow hate you all !
For you, the box in front of you has become the world and people around you are not worthy of any attention..
Now a days, relationships seem to be changing, the way people interact has changed so much

I remember my childhood, adoloscence and early youth..we were 3 sisters and 1 borther..and apart from studies, all we did was talk to each other..about any and everything under the sun
I still remember how early in the mornings we used to sit with a cup of tea in out terrace garden, with our father and talk about life, people, politics, science, family...

My mom would get angry for wasting early hours in the morning on talking...but in vain..
My father is an avid reader with a varied taste, from fiction to books on black hole...he has tremendous interest in anything which stimulates his intellect...we have got just a bit of it in us..wish we had more of that part of his in us(and less of the eccentric part :))
So sometimes we would all sit and he would read out some excerpt from any good novel he would be reading at that time..be it "Brothers Karmazov" by Dostovyesky or any scientific truth by Stephen hawking...
I guess these early years and such interactions had a lot of effect on me. .I always thought that people are together cos they want to share their thoughts, feelings and trivia..
Togetherness meant that for me..and in any relationship, thats what I craved for most

And now..talking is a thing one does when there is no electricity, when one cant watch TV or play video games..or when it is absolutley necesary..
I come home to the sound of keyboards clattering, surfing on the net, TV playing something in the background...
I wish someone would stop all this it and take a look at me, sit with me with a cup of tea, hum a song as the evening sets..
And even if we dont talk and there is nothing to say...I would love it if that annoying sound of technology is not blasting my brains

I dont have anything against TV shows, but somehow it has succeeded in changing mindsets of people who watch it, and it has made them depend on TV for everything..

TV is good to fight lonelienss...but it should not be there to make people lonelier..

Where are those people who used to have fun in just conversing, bantering, gossiping..As we grow do we become stoic?As if we can not or do not want to talk about anything?Don't we have any ideas we want to share or any feeling we want to dissect?Is all that needs to be spoken already over?

My wonderings and wanderings are yet to be answered.

This thing called "Suffering"

In my lifetime I have seen a lot of people..different kinds...
They differ in their emotions, the way they react to their emotions,

the way they build a wall around themselves
I guess we need to do that in self defense, cos we are all scared of being

too vulnerable by virtue of what we are..
We can not let the other person know the real us, cos we feel

that letting others see as we are ,would let us open to all sorts of hurt,

will let the world see our weaknesses and use it.
And another danegerous trait is that of seeking attention,

love and adulation..AND when one is not loved as one wants to be,

one is not the cynosure of all eyes..outcomes are disastrous.
Love and attention is like an intoxication.

People bask in the glory and tend to become something else under the influence of such toxins. They try to be what others want them to be, fit into their pharma, try to live up to what is expected of them, without knowing if they really want to be like that.
This fear in people, of losing attention, of losing control on others and eventually of becoming unimportant to others, rules the way they behave.
Off late I realised that sometimes people cash onto their suffering also, just to get what they can not otherwise.
They build a monument of their suffering, talk of emotions and sentimentality, as if its a virtue! And in this "self-justified" monument, they reside as Gods and Godesses and assess all and sundry based on how others provide offerings to them. Thier sense of right and wrong is based solely on what they get from others.
Every act of theirs is justified cos they have been doomed...and whatever worng they do people say "Its the situation that made them like that"..
Recently I was reading "Razor's Edge" by Somerset Maughm, that people are always what they are, situation just brings out that dormant part in them..I agree to it mostly
But then what are people without situations? When we are happy in someone's company, its not just that one person who contributes to the happiness..the environment and surroundings also contribute to that..and when we remember that moment later, we also rememebr the music played, the smell in the air, the way sun shone and the touch of the wind..

Somehow I tend to digress from what I started to write..and I forget what I was writing about..and get confused in my own mesh...
Same has happened now...Now I try to bring this peice of writing to a conclusion..but in vain..so be it :)

Ma is here

ma abhi aayi hui hai mere paas..hamesha ki tarah bahut saari baatein, shikayatein or hansi saath leke
ma jab bhi aati hai, papa din mein 10 baar call karte hai..and I get so irriatted by that...cos when ma is there, he does not bother to spend much time with her...always busy in playing chess on net, or trying to upload some video..basically everything to do with interent..he is like a child..he gets to know something new and tries it to his heart content..forgetting the whole world
But when ma is here...he would call her to share smallest possible thing...complain to her about maids...gossip about family..he gets jealous about what we two must be talking about..what fun we might be having?
I find it so funny..and sometimes I shout at him for calling and disturbing her so often..
Ma's presence is so comforting..in all her innocence and hopes for a perfect world..I find her so naive and sometimes that irritates me too...irritable person that I am

kal raat hum ma ke saath jab so rahe the..she was filling me with stories..pata nahin kiske baare mein...and more than the story..i liked the soothing lilting voice of hers filling the room..kuch bhoola bisra sa yaad aa raha tha..gungun sa kamra...hanste log..heart full of hope..the lost innocence....

The "absolute happiness"

I am in Hyderabad these days...almost completely alone, inside my room. Loneliness seems to have become a part of me, so ingrained that sometimes I don't even want to come out of it.

And this makes me think if happiness changes its face over course of time and finally happiness and sadness become one...?!I feel what makes me happy, makes me sad too..for example thinking of old days..brings a smile..and that very instant a pang grips my heart..

This frivolity of time and space..I wonder if there is anything like "absoulte happiness"?
When I was a kid, I thought growing up would be so much fun and that would make me happy, when I entered youth, I thought maybe that mysterious, inevitable "love" would happen now and make me happy, and when I loved I thought maybe someone else would make me happy...this endless pursuit of happiness and this perrenial question of "what now..what next" torments one always...
Read a lot of things on happiness and finally figured out..source of happiness is within me..and whenevr I want..I can make it come to the surface..its somewhere deep within me...
I just have to go deep down in the recess of my heart and bring that happiness out..I have done that before and I can do that always
My mom worries about me and when will I marry!And I contemplate as to why is it so important to be with someone who is not your own self..your mirror image
I see my sisters and bother married and wonder if they are happy always?Arent there moments in their lives when they are torn by emotions which are better not said and thought?Dont they go through that feeling of despair and loneliness which they can't share with their spouses?

So I think, sometimes I have my lonely days and nights and then my freedom, which maybe my siblings dont have..and also this hope that I will get that "absolute happiness" some day