To my niece

Addu, you are growing up..so fast that at times I fear it.
I don't know when this change happened in you,it seemed all so sudden
It was as if one fine day your tone changed, your interests changed

That pause in your talks..the usual chirpiness going down
You are just 6, but sometimes makes me feel you know everything

All of us here, who speak to you on the phone, try to give names to this sudden change in you, Belu mausi and naai ma thought you are sad..well maturity sure is a sad thing :)

Your making excuses for not having much time to talk to us, cos you had so many friends waiting..makes me envious..and I can feel you are slipping away

I fear that when I see you next, you wont cling on to me as you used to, you wont die to dance with me, you wont remember the small things about me, which you usually do and keep reminding me...things I never noticed

And it will be me,left remembering all that again and again...

Just a few days back, when I was fighting with you on phone and called you "Advita", you gave your usual shy laughter and said "No, call me Addu"..my heart reached out to you..and I wished that you never ever change

At times you message me(dont know how you manage to) and send me "I lave you Sumi muase"...and I start fighting with you again..as if we are lovers :) Yet I save those messages..dont know why..as if to re-affirm it later to myself..or to show you later if you ever forget me...or just as a memento..

I know change is inevitable, but a part of me wishes..you never grow up!

Aamir Khan!

He was kind of my first love..when I was 14 I guess..well I had few crushes before that..but he was the big one!
QSQT was released and all my dreams of a perfect man were given new meanings with this new chocolate guy..Aamir Khan
He seemed so sincere..and hot and perfect!
He was someone, anyone could fall in love with!
And so did I....

I was so totally besotted by him..so much so that I would save all my pocket money to buy any film magazine which had the smallest possible article on him

There was a book shop called "Books En Amee" in Patna, which I used to cross daily while going to school..and drop in every day to see if any new magazine had any picture of him on any of its pages..and if it had..I calculated the amount to save to buy that magazine!
This was my level of madness for him...

And I was sure..one day am gonna meet him..he will fall in love with me as much..and we will get married..there was no other way about it!

Then came out the news that this guy was secretly married to someone called Reena Dutta..a case of inter-religion marriage which involved elopement..
And I was devastated..my dreams crashed..all at 14!!

I dint know what to do..who to ask the truth behind this rumour..and if he would consider remarriage with me! Plus he was some 9-10 years elder to me...

My younger sis, Belna, was my confidant and ..sort of..my tail(she will hit me if she reads this) and she loved what I loved

We both had memorized all dialogues from QSQT and would see this movie umpteen times and giggle at it every single time
So, she was the 1st person I spoke about my broken heart and failed marriage dreams...
And we both came up with a plan like this :-
We will write a letter to him asking the truth about his marriage..and assure him that we are not journalists so that he feels free in telling us the truth...

And I got his address from somewhere and began my letter

Then came along the spoil-sport..my elder sis..who was forever the more matured sorts..
She went straight and told our father that we were writing a letter to Aamir khaan and my father came and tore it in pieces...and said "Go and concentrate on your studies..such nonsense can happen later"

I was heart broken...dishevelled..and cried my eyes out...I was in love!

Now when I think back..all I can do is scron..cos I dont like Aamin anymore..not even one bit
The fact that he divorced his wife of 18 years (with 2 kids) to marry someone so ugly as Kiran rao..was beyond me
I despised him then..and more so,with each of his movies
He has becomes so predictable and annoying with his acting and expressions!

I saw 3 idiots..though I liked the movie...Aamir was quite irritating!
I know its cool for guys to cry..but cry all the time for no reason?? how cool is that?
Your friends get a job and you start crying?
This crying business has to stop or else he can go out of business

This movie had so many flaws but at the end of it..you come out happy..cos it has a feel-good factor..

But Aamir..you disappointed me like nobody's business :(

Someone sent me a piece of prose/poetry which I really liked..though I don't know who has written it

Here are some of my favorite lines from that excerpt (the one in bold is my most fav) -

"For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart"

"But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the season-less world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."

"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed
For love is sufficient unto love."

"And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;"

Dealing with auto-wallahs in Bangalore

That's an ordeal..a daily encounter with auto rickshaw-wallahs leaves me cranky..each day!

Its like a roller coaster ride..it tries your patience..your self esteem..
you go from various emotions in those few minutes of getting an auto

The high and mighty look with which they ask you "where do you want to go?"
You hesitate,not knowing what the reaction could be..try to keep your calm and tell them your destination..

Now the reaction varies..if they don't want to go..sometimes they would not even bother to reply and act as if you don't exist and just wheeze past you without a 2nd look ..or give a disgusted shrug and move away..

Your confidence has gone down a little further..So when the next one comes along..you meekly ask if he will go to the place you want to..

If this one is a little more benign he would ask for an amount of "30 Rs" for a distance of just 1 km..and if you are not really desperate you would let him go (this time you would try to take revenge of the earlier attitude display of the fellow auto-wallah and try to redeem yourself with some attitude display from your side and let this one go with some disdain)

Sometime you would feel so exasperated by all the rejections by so many auto wallahs that finally you would be tempted to ask "I will go wherever your auto will take me..forget my destination!"

Sometime you would try to reason and discuss with them..as to why one should pay an exorbitant price for any place...but you know..you don't stand a chance

Their standard excuse is "we wont get any passenger from the place where you want to go"..whether it is a desolate area..or a crowded mall..or station..they have this patented reason for any amount they ask..and for any destination

Well..all said and done..I have somewhat come to terms with my relationship with these auto guys..and I take it with a pinch of salt..
Sometimes relenting ..other days preferring to walk a distance of 2 kms, if I am in one of my nastier moods!

I hate..

I hate..the education that you have..which makes you say all these serene..dumb..stoic words like "sure", "fine"..when all you want to do is kill me with your sarcasm and hatred..and bad words (which you eventually do)

I hate..your qualification..which makes you so desirable..irrespective of the jerk that you are...

I hate..your sweetness..which draws me to you..and then spurns me like I never existed..

I hate..your self respect..which tries to demean me and never bothers about my respect for myself..and for you

I hate..you..cos it refuses to let go of me..or love me the way I wanted you to...

Sometimes I think all sentiments are just forms of anger..little variations..anger is what I feel after any strong feeling
I am angry I know..very angry..insanely angry
At what..I cant say!?!
But I move around like a possessed woman..possessed by anger
I feel I can hit someone...there are times I feel I would throw my mobile phone ..just to hear it break..just to destroy something
I want to snap at any and everyone...and I think of new ways to insult people
But I end up doing none of it..and my anger just surmounts!

God..please help me!

Another Birthday Gone

This time 6th Dec came and went..and I dint even realize till about 3rd that my birthday is around the corner
It surprised me to think how it used to be earlier. I used to be the one most excited about my birthday. Right from the time I can remember it.
From 6th November itself I would start troubling people around asking them "what is it after 30 days...20 days..10 days..1 day" :) And they would act ignorant and trouble me

I used to invite everyone possible..some close..some just acquaintances..I liked having a big crowd around on my b'day..much to my Mom's chagrin who had to arrange for the party!

Many a times I have baked my own birthday cake..diligently with icing and all..now I cant bear to make a cup of tea for myself..
And I needed to have the best and the prettiest dress for myself..
Now I don't even bother to buy anything new..this time I dint have anything new to wear but Ma was here and finally bought me something

I don't know if the change is inevitable..if the change is good..if the change is whats called maturing..but I surely would not have wanted to miss my birthday and suddenly realise on 3rd!