A poetess like me

I follow a blog which puts up great work by various artists from various streams and its a delightful blog for me. There are rare songs, poems by writers I was not aware of. One such I came across recently was "Nikki Giovanni". This blog translates everything in hindi, which was beautiful. But I knew the English would be much more, and I searched and fell in love with her many poems which I read. She felt close to heart, a natural, a lover. There is a poem which resembles a line from my hindi poem which I had written ages ago


I am sharing lines from some of the poems I found stunning

 "Cotton Candy on a Rainy Day"

Don't look now

I'm fading away

Into the gray of my mornings

.........

I try I become more difficult to hold

I am not an easy woman to want

They have asked the psychiatrists . . . psychologists . . . politicians and social workers

What this decade will be known for

There is no doubt . . . it is loneliness

-------

"Choices"

if i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do

--
This specific poem written below is the one which made me feel I had written something very very similar way back

"The way I feel"(Ahh this is one of my labels on this blog)

i've  noticed I am happier

when i make love 

with you

and i have enough left to

smile at my doorman

 i've realized i'm fulfilled

like a big fat cow

who was just picked

for a carnation contentment

when u kiss your special place

right behind my knee

most time when you are around

i feel like a note

reberta flack is going to sing

And the lines which struck me with deja-vu are following

in my mind you are a clock

and i'm the secodn hand sweeping

around you sixty times an hour

twenty-four times a day

Sample these lines by me, in one of my hindi poems which I had written way back in 1998, in my diary and had posted it on my blog in 2008, here
http://memoriesofaworldelsewhere.blogspot.in/2008/06/some-love-poems.html

तुम जब चाहो मुझे देखोगे और मेरा दिल सिमट आएगा तुम्हारे पास
तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी धूरी हैं
चाहे जहाँ भी जाऊं मैं , केंद्र तुम ही रहोगे
(When you look at me, my heart will come back to you
Your eyes are my pivot
Wherever I am, you will be my center)



Ohh..sweet love, how you feel so strange when you are gone
Was I ever like this.?

4 more years went since I wrote this on the blog too??? Unbelievable. I feel I started this blog so recently

So we were at 2 different parts of the world, thinking alike..

There are other poems which I loved by her, but the last one I want to share here is this

"Communication"

if music is the most universal language

just think of me as one whole note

if science has the most perfect language

then think of me as MC(square)

what i mean is one day

i'm gonna grab your love

and you will be satisfied

Blissful read is each of her writing, and she has the most endearing face and smile

 
 

Cliche'

I try to run away from the cliched, and look for novelty..all the time..in smallest thing

A cliched joke, a cliched look, a cliched phrase..gets on to me like a parasite
The agony of living the already lived..a disgusting second hand experience

When one knows the effect of something one says, the effect is lost already
Innocence of not knowing your own charm, charms me like anything

Maybe thats why kids make my heart swell with love and happiness
They dont know what they are, unless they grow up

If you really mean something, never say it and make it a passé

In distress if someone tells you "Let it go"..you lose respect for that person, cos you know this person will never try and get into your shoes to know whats hurting and would just harp about the "Let go" mantra, oft repeated

"I am the girl who loves the rain and likes to get drenched in it" - When a girl tells me that, I lose interest in anything else that she has to say..cos I know there will be more of cliche coming my way

"I like to break rules, and live by my own" - When I guy says that, I want to ask him where did he learn this from?

I would rather be quiet than say the same thing said by many in the same situation..time and again

I say beautiful things when no-one is noticing, but the moment people start expecting...I go kaput

Give me a moment, a word, a sentiment never experienced before
When tears come cos of nostalgic happiness...sadness does not bring them

Everything beautiful in life is a way to nostalgia..
A song, a face, a fragrance ..
Making the heart heavy with beauty of everything that can be deemed beautiful in this world

And cliche can never be beautiful

I wish I could break my own cliche, 
Could I be that coquette, with those sultry eyes?
The one who woos men in the bar
I wish I knew my power beyond what I know

if love is a cliche too, then lets resort to lust

तेरी निगाहें पा गयी राहें , पर तू ये सोचे जाऊं न जाऊं न जाऊं

ये जिंदगी जो है नाचती तो, क्यों बेड़ियों में हैं तेरे पाँव ?

प्रीत की धुन पे नाच ले पागल, उड़ता अगर है उड़ने दे आँचल

काहे कोई अपने को ऐसे तरसाए ?  

(Your eyes have found the path you wanted to tread,
But you keep thinking if you should go along
This life, which dancing around you,
Then why are your feet in chains?
Dance on the tunes of love,silly
Let your veil blow away, if it has to
why should one keep oneself deprived?)

This heart is again looking for a wintry affair, this summer

When the coffee gets cold, cos the talks could not

An article and my views

Recently read this interesting article by David Bentley Hart, on Ayn Rand's writings and I cant help but agree with few not-so-good things there, even though I have been her hard-core follower. She had always affected my mind many a times in things I said or felt.
Yet there was always a dormant desire in me. to defy her theories, at times, just in small bits

http://www.firstthings.com/article/2011/05/the-trouble-with-ayn-rand

But this article is such a venomous take on her, why so much angst for a woman who just spoke what she felt was right?

Some excerpts from this article:

"Ayn Rand and her idiotic “Objectivism” are enjoying a—well, I won’t call it a renaissance, so let’s say a recrudescence"

"Civilization is always a fragile accommodation at best, precariously poised between barbarism on one side and decadence on the other...Rand was definitely on the side of barbarism."

Barbarism, how?

Though I some what agree with this "I suspect that charity really is the only way to avoid wasting one’s life in a desert of sterile egoism".

And I so not agree with this line

 "And, simply said, I cannot find much common ground with someone who believed that the principal source of human woe over the last twenty centuries has been a tragic shortage of selfishness.".

Maybe selfishness is not the single source, but one of the strongest source. Cos the definition of being selfish, as per her, is not as generally defined by us. So we need to take that in the context and not a stand alone thing.

I just laughed my head off at this: "For what really puts both Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead in a class of their own is how sublimely awful they are. "

The mentality of the herd against someone who stands out is so much around, and fills me with disgust.

When I appreciate something brilliant in other, I am pacifying that part of me which could not be all that brilliant.
But if I negate, make it sound ordinary, then there is just one word for such people "jealous".
They are condemning themselves by denying others uniqueness

Just cos they could not be unique, they try to form a herd of people, who would profess to believe in that no-one is unique, all are the same
But silently, and cleverly, they would ry to establish their upper hand on the other, by forming incomprehensible sentences to intimidate the other. And finally telling that you are ordinary, but I am not, since I know I am ordinary....ha!

People look for redemption in others, for their own misery, they always want to hold someone responsible

As Ryan Said : “They hate you for the greatness of your achievement. They hate you for your integrity. They hate you because they know they can neither corrupt nor ruin you” -  I also say that people hate you for your strength, people hate you cos you dont fall apart, people hate you cos you dont even regard them with a hate and intensity which they ask of you.
Some strands of recognition is all they need, from you

But the side note on this line,in that articel, is really funny (Bloody they—I never could stand those swine.)

:D

Not a bad article in all,it is the author's interpretation and personality which s/he reflects in hi/.her likings and disliking. So has he done it here. But nevertheless, I found it harmless & funny.

He reminded me of that novel again by writing such excerpts : For her, the world really was starkly divided between creators and parasites, and the vast majority of humanity belonged to the ranks of the latter. “I came here to say I do not recognize anyone’s right to one minute of my life,” Roark continues, “nor to any part of my energy, nor to any achievement of mine.”

I absolutely loved that part in "Fountainhead", And just for this, I can be in love with her!

 I had written a similar draft in my post which said(though the context here is different) :
"Well, another has only as much hold on you, as much as you give them at any point in time
Never more!
So if someone wishes to be obsessed with you, but if you wish to extricate yourself. You have all the right to. Everything gone in between you 2, before has no meaning. All that we have is today, and today I am allowed to despise someone, and stay away.
One cant hold a moment of past in their kitty to hunt someone down.
Unless of course I have killed someone, or tortured, then I cease to be human and no human rights are not applicable to me"

This paragraph in the article made sense to me in bits and pieces, but not really, cos Ryan emphasized on these attributes, but not denied that there can not be anything apart form this.(If she did then maybe in my mind I have obliterated it)

"Rand really imagined that there could ever be a man whose best achievements were simply and solely the products of his own unfettered and unaided will. She had no concept of grace, even of the ordinary kind: the grace of an existence we do not give ourselves, of natural powers with which we could never have endowed ourselves, and of all those other persons on whom even the strongest among us are dependent. She lacked any ennobling sense that what lies most deeply within us also comes from impossibly far beyond us, as an unmerited gift. She liked to talk about “virtue” a great deal—meaning primarily strength of will and the value that one creates out of one’s own native resources—but for her the only important question regarding the relation between the individual and society was who has a right to what. That is, admittedly, a question that must be asked at various times, but it is never the question that true virtue—true strength—asks of itself."

But Kudos to this para, I know some people who do exactly this, so I just clapped my hands in glee for saying what exactly I have in my mind:

"And, really, what can one say about Objectivism? It isn’t so much a philosophy as what someone who has never actually encountered philosophy imagines a philosophy might look like: good hard axiomatic absolutes, a bluff attitude of intellectual superiority, lots of simple atomic premises supposedly immune to doubt, immense and inflexible conclusions, and plenty of assertions about what is “rational” or “objective” or “real."

Beyond that I could not concentrate more, since too much of negative energy anywhere is not my cup of tea.Thats why I restrain from beign sarcastic, mean and vomit my hatred for anyone in paper.

“There are two ways through life,the way of nature and the way of grace. We have to choose which one to follow.” ~ The Tree Of Life
I choose grace, let others choose their real nature

So Mr.David, you do have substance and potential. Please use it constructively and not by attacking one Ms. Rand

My life, my opium

I trudged along, carrying those heavy grocery laden bags in my hand, my huge vanity bag on my shoulder and some other stuff.
I had vowed I would not take and auto, I needed to feel some pain.

Drudgery of the day added to all of it, and it started getting difficult with each step.

I am a girl of petite frame and soft skin, so soon I could see red marks on my palm, where the carry bag strips met them.

But I dint pity myself,
 At that moment I realized there was some sanity in religious fanatics flagellating themselves and crying "Haaye Hassan", the self-inflicted pain can be a source of derisive pleasure at times. I felt avenged of myself, of all my sins
I felt it was a way of punishing myself

Punishment for being with wrong people, at right times of my life
Punishment for  learning driving and having a license, yet not having enough guts to start driving
Punishment for absconding from my blog, for irrelevant people
Punishment for not being able to ignore things, and letting my anger get the better of me
Punishment for devouring life, treating it like a play-thing, submerging my life in my whims, meeting it headlong, trying to give it back in rage, as it gave me opportunities in love

But my red marks were threatening to become a bruise and I could not walk even for 30 seconds at stretch, with all that weight.
So I started taking short breaks, stopping and just looking around, and having other people give me weird looks
After a good ten minutes, there was a bus stop and I thought of sitting on the bench and just relaxing my palms

I was listlessly looking around, when I saw these 2 women, talking and laughing

They seemed so much one with happiness, on a high.
They were nudging, teasing, mocking...(I took their pic, but came too dark so I posted one from net)

I laugh cos like is happening to me

I looked at them closely, trying to decipher the source of their high

Were they young?

Youth is a high in itself, as if the world is yours and waits for you to laugh
But they seemed well in their 50s

Were they gorgeous?

Beauty, of the kind which makes the world go weak in knees, makes the owner of the beauty giddy at times
They feel the world belongs to them, and waits on them
But no, they were not the conventional traffic stoppers either

Were they high on their richness?

But that could not be, else they would not be waiting for a bus

And it pleasantly struck me, they were high on life
This life, as it was then, in that moment...
They were high on their everyday-ness, the same mornings and evenins

Past and future were in limbo
At least for those moments

And I instantly scribbled this in my notepad:

I have looked for highs on mountain and cliffs

But realized,  there is a high in every low

For every trough, there is a crest

Sinusoidal wave, this life is

My life, my opium

So I threw my head back, let my hair fall all around, picked up the bags and headed home, stopping at a medical shop to get some ointment for the bruise.
Hoping that tomorrow morning, all  my scars would be healed.
And they will be, nothing in life is permanent

Note - It was good to be away, but its better to be back. 
Packed with armor of my arrogance, and power to ignore the ignorables

I feel I am averse to human interaction. I try to minimize human interaction in my life, in strange ways

At work, if someone calls me for coffee, I make excuses not to be with them.
If I am waiting for the lift, and I see more people, I tend to take stairs. I feel suffocated being in that small place with possibility of another human touching me
I avoid calls, from one and all
My boss has told me umpteen times to be cordial, yet I can not be

I feel like having a circle of protection around me, thru which people see me, but can not come near..
Its like I am trying to pave my way thru life's garbage, by sweeping them aside

But as you know, garbage has a tendency to splash itself on you
I get a speck of dirt, and I feel dirty like hell..for the mere fact that I tried protecting myself so much against it

And for a moment I wish to indulge in that dirt, to set it right, to put it in place
But if you know dirt, its not ashamed of itself, it regales in its shamelessness and crassness, and for the mere fact of lack of shame, dirt has the immense possibility of ruining you

And why do I wish to reduce humans in life?
Its cos I feel anyone else is just a mood dampener, some or the other time they will surely do that. But they will not be there to uplift my spirits, its only I and solely I who can do that to myself

So I guess someone is in your life, just for themselves, just for the fact what you bring to them, never for you, never for what you want from them

For me this blog world was that world away from that mess of humans
But gradually it has ceased to be..for it has proven to be means for unwanted interactions by absurd creatures
Its been causing me more anguish than the real world

Maybe its time to stop, and think and rejuvenate

I dont know if I can, since I am addictive by nature

I see women who devote themselves to their marriage, husband and the likes
They are not in love with their husbands, yet they try to keep themselves pure

I see men, who sleep around, not in love with anyone, wife or the other woman, yet try to put the blame on the other woman who thought it was all love

What does it make me feel about men in general..no riddle
I have known the innocence..and now I know the charade
Its enough for me to want nothing more from life, than what it has already laden me with

But then there have been people who have loved me here, who have been with me many a times, should I let them down?

So Let me re-think, let me reorganize, let me resurrect..till then..just help me with it..and let me decide if I wish to share anything to this world, which is a farce...

Sometimes I feel like cradling myself like I cradle my nephew, and rock myself and whisper "its all a nightmare..it will end..you will be in your fairy land again"

And yes, to hell with women's day..once again...again and again

He - "You are so righteous about everything. So you think you have not done anything wrong in life? I am sure you have, you need to think about it"

She - " I must have done something terribly wrong, else I would not be sitting across someone like you, and gave you the slightest leeway to say what you are saying to me right now."

A happy day

Inspite of a yesterday where my anger nerves were threating to smash some people's head, and my blood surged upto my head...I always dreamt of a beautiful tomorrow

And this tomorrow did start beautifully when I saw this comment(in the form of an award) from Pygmalion's space in heart



Liebster - a German word meaning - beloved, dearest, favorite ..(Yeah copy paste from Pygmalion)

Its not an award for the brainy ones, but a token of heart..and I love them. So much sweeter!

A few words about her : I got to know her through another blogger(Chintan from Blunt Blogger) and instantly fell in love with her honesty and warmth. She is someone who is wishing to live by the rules of her heart. Some people might learn how to be sweet and honest together, from her

I have seen a lot of awards floating around the blog-world, some for a reason some without. And I never believed in them.
So, when I first saw this, I was like..who, ME???

Hmm....so 4.5 years of brain-drain, avoiding the avoidable ones, loving the lovely ones...does get you something deserving sometimes :)

About the rules, if you accept the award:
You must pass on the award to five other bloggers; however, they must have less than 200 followers

You must then let every nominee know that they have been given the award

You must display the award on your blog

The last 2 are pretty easy, difficult is the first one. I cant muster 5 names right now. Nevertheless, here is my list:

1. Syed - When men grow, they become insane, insipid and sedated. But I like the way this man has managed to retain his charm of youth, dilemma and heartache of an adult, and maturity of his age
2. Wildflower - She has somewhat become incommunicado for many months. Yet when I read her, I feel its a part of me which I have severed religiously from myself. And she has held on to it, religiously
3. Sayantan- Love his style of writing. Intense, suave, boyish and heart felt.Also the fact that he has become a friend I sometimes like to rant about life and people in general, makes him a Liebster
4. Ankur - He writes as if he has gotten into the mind of a woman, many a times a woman like me.

Beyond this my mind was a blank since rest I like have more than 200 followers or so..so my last pick is a bit of a cheat
5. Ed - He had a blog earlier, but now he writes here. His writing is majestic and a treat to avid readers like me. Though he does not qualify for the award on one ground, i.e. he has more than 200 followers, but could not think of any other right away. I would not have fulfilled this parameter anyways, cos if not him, I would have missed citing the last favorite blogger :)

Since we are on learning new words, here is one I learnt recently(And have written on this blog earlier)
Leman - In french, means a lover. What a beautiful word!