It is never the same

"aapki ki yaad aati rahi raat bhar...chashme nam muskurati rahi raat bhar..
Raat bhar dard ki shama jalti rahi...gham ki lau thartharati rahi raat bhar"

right now this song is playing in the background..and a thought struck me...its never the same again..
each year,each person, each moment...takes away a part of you..and you are never the same..



They say...time is the best healer..but time also cant make up for the "you" lost...Its just never ever the same

when the time is there..when the person is there..you dont seem to value it..you are angry about something..sick of somehting..and just want all of it to end...

But oblivious of your angry self..the softer part in you is scared...scared that what you feel now, will never be felt again..what you wish now..will be dreaded some other time...


People have thier ways of dealing with pain and hurt..some dont want to think about it, some want to lose themselves in something so as not to worry...and some, like me, dwell over it..shred it apart..take it inside your heart, churn it, till it becomes a part of you..

Then it doesnt hurt that much...

Wish there was a magical wand..which could just undo everything..everything would have been the same...

I would smile at the world with the same exuberance of a 16 year old..love as I loved with every part of me...cry without being ashamed of it...

And then everything would be the same..the scars healed and heart rejuvenated
If only!

To Gulzar...with love

Gulzar is one lyricist whose lyrics have always enchanted me...right from my childohood

This one from "Kitaab"..."master jee ki aa gayi chitthi..chitthi mein se nikali billi"..loved hearing this song as a kid..fascinated by play of words...which dint have much meaning though..maybe thats why it was so much fun to memorize it


And as I grew..my idea of romance and love were so so besotted by his words..

"hamne dekhi hai in aankhon ki mehakti khushboo"...the idea of eyes having a fragrance was so intriguing..its as if the deeper senses within me were given apt words by him

and then "shaamen bujhane aati hain raaten...raaten bujhane tum aa gaye ho"...fills the heart with such a sweet feeling...inexplicable..wish I were him to be able to name this sweet feeling


Some of my other favorites:
"pahle se likha kuch bhi nahin..roj naya kuch likhti hai tu..jo bhi likha hai dil se kiya hai..yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de" - for someone like me, who lives in moments..and dies in them too..this is so apt!

"baadlon se kaat kaat ke..kagazon mein naam jodna..yeh mujhe kya ho gaya"--i wish someone sung this for me...

"khamosh sa afsana...paani pe likha hota..na tumne kaha hota...na humen suna hota" - for that unsaid unspoken love..a gay abandon in the words

"kya bhala hai kya bura..ho sake to jala dil jala" - another one from libaas..dont know why but feels very close to my heart

"sili hawa choo gayi...tumse mili jo jindagi, humne abhi boyi nahin" - romance accentuated by Lata's haunting voice..always created a pic in front of me...took me to sea side..beautiful breeze..hair blown away in carelessness...and lonely moon looking down at me

"bechara dil kya kare..saawan jale bhado jale" - as a kid I used to sing this song a lot..dint understand the meaning though..just the word "bechara" sounded fun so liked the song..but now I love the song for its simplicity..child like innocence...and depth

"Aapki aankhon mein kuch mehke hue se raaj hain" - As a teenager, I would stand in front of the mirror and imagine that my eyes were as myterious as the song's description

"Aajkal paon jameen par nahin padte mere..bolo dekha hai kabhi tumne mujhe udate hue" - This song always makes one feel the euphoria of new found love..when one is floating in air..gliding past days and nights in a sweet intoxication...at least I used to :)

I never seem to do justice to his works..there are way too many songs which have been with me all these years...maybe when I again feel motivated enough..would take some more of his songs


Thank you Gulzaar..for defining love and and pain...
giving us less mortals something to be happy about..even in sadness
for making my adolescence full of dreams..
And also corrupting it :) (Cos till date I look for someone who would say
"tum pukaar lo...tumhara intezaar hai")


You remind me of a time lost..an old world charm...retained in your white kurta..and that lilting voice of yours...which takes me far away...to my world


PS- my sis lived in a house bang opposite to yours in pali hills....and me and my mom would hang at our window to stare at you whenever you came in your balcony..we could see you in your kurta..working on something..and I would always wonder whats going on in your mind right now..are you thinking of someone..or writing a letter to a beloved :)

You said..dont love me..we are very differnet...
And I thought..Its sad..but I cant love some one like me ever

Dont know what it is

She dint know what it was..the new found haterd for him, or the earlier affection..which caused this uneasiness in the heart..
Or was it her whole premise of love which stifled her..caught her unawares..anytime
While she was travelling..or busy with some thing important..
It hit her..and she would get lost
Lost as a little girl..as she used to be earlier
Scared of ghosts..scared of dark..scared of love?
Took one step forward and then two steps back...
cos that one step taken dint land her anywhere
Reach out with child like eager..and then recoil..
To realize that what she wanted is not what she should have
She hears someone say "I love you"..but doesn't feel a thing...cos love doesnt come easy
She loves to hate and hates to love...

So I ask her to delete all pictures as well..from the canvas of her heart
I tell her not think of a moment..when she loved his cologone..
When all she wanted was to hug him and make him feel wanted
A moment when his face was bent on hers..and all she could see in this whole world was him...nothing else..absolutely nothing

She will forget..so will he... She will hate him..so will he...She would have regrets...so will he!
Is it how its supposed to be in the end?

Then guess let her have no beginnings...

Murmurs

Nothing much happens
A few glaces exhanged..a few words spoken
I hear footsteps..
but dont want to know who has come or who is going

Quietness eludes me..

I love sitting by the window..or did I just think I loved it?
Am no more sure of what I loved

Cross the coffee shop.. a faint breeze of memory brushes acroos
the talks, the coversations and the coffee..was it me?
That running around on the bike...the laughter ringing in my mind

Yes it was me..so very me!

On the streets..across the walls..at the hoardings and in the clubs
I see moments...written and re-written..
The assurance and reassurance of those moments stays with me

the sweet nothings and the bitter somethings..

sometimes a wierd thought creeps in my mind

Do people see me or my memories written large on my face?

Am I the whole me...or scattered in moments..

Moments are over...am I over too?

I push memories away...they form a cobweb around me

They say...life is a stage and we are all playing a character

Then why cant I play my favorite character always?

Silence prevails...as if to combat the loud muttering in my mind
And in the silence of night..all the unspoken words start talking to me

Of Astro...Occult...and Soulmates

I am reading an interesting book these days. It talks about magic, nature, astrology and soulmates.

I came across a very novel thought in this book, might be an old one, but kind of struck me.
It says that since the time this universe came into existence, not a single atom has been added to it.
Matter has changed forms, but the sum total from the beginning of life has been the same.

There are 2 ways to know magic in the world..Tradition of the sun OR Tradition of the moon..and both traditions say that all magic begins with search of the soulmate

And with this perspective, the author goes to explain the concept of soulmates...

At the beginning of life, there were very few people but with passing away of each person, the cells of his/her soul multiplied in 2 or more and got divided in different people.
One was male and the other female. Hence the number of people grew in this world.

So in life, one soul is always looking for its other part...and whatever a man does...how ever much he earns or gets power, his true happiness only lies in finding the other half of his soul

And if in one's life, even for some brief moments, one gets a chance to come across his/her soulmate, then all the moments before and after it are worth living..

So now the question comes if there is a possiblity that the soul gets multilied in more than 2? What happens then?
And answer is that it is possible and it leads to a lot of heart break and complications in life...and ends in loneliness!

It also says how to recognize your soulmate. You would see a light above the left shoulder of the person who is your soulmate.

I could imagine myself staring at left shoulder of all the guys I met...a funny sight though!

But inspite of few things which I dint understand in the book...which sometimes I couldnt relate to or grasp the essence of, it was a good feeling to know that there is a power above us. It comforted me to think that there are things which are not in my control, which are preordained.

It fills me with hope, belief in magic and all that it entails...

Some love poems...

Some love poems which I wrote more than 10 years ago..
Maybe I was in love..or maybe in love with love itself..
Forgot the moments..forgot the person...forgot how I used to be then
But the imprints remained...
Nice to go back in time and revisit myself

-------10th Dec 1997----
वो चेहरा जो सिर्फ़ मेरा हो
वो होंठ जो सिर्फ़ मेरे लिए हँसते हों
वो दिन जब सूरज मेरे लिए खिला हो
वो बातें जो सिर्फ़ मुझे पता हो
वो नजर जिसे सिर्फ़ मैं समझ पाऊँ
ये सब कुछ, और भी कुछ
जो सिर्फ़ मेरा हो
प्रभु भेज देना इक दिन इस जमीन पर
---------10th April 1998------------------
जब तुम मुझसे कुछ बातें करते हो, तुम्हारे जाने के बाद यूँ लगता है
जैसे ये बातें पुरानी हैं
ये तुम्हारी बातें मेरे साथ कई सालों से हैं
मैं हमेशा से इन्हें सुनती आई हूँ ...
और फ़िर समय kकाल मुझे हिसाब नहीं रहता
याद नहीं आता की कभी तुम मेरी याद में नहीं
तुम तो शायद हमेशा से मेरे साथ थे
अब मैंने तुम्हें ढूंढ लिया है
तुम मेरे साथ रहो न रहो, मुझे फिक्र नहीं
अब मैं तुम्हें जब चाहूंगी ख़ुद में पा लूंगी
मिल जाना यूँ ही हमेशा
क्योंकि तुम्हारा मिलना ही मुझे मेरा ख़ुद को पाना है
-------------13th Sept 1998---------------------
तुम यूँ ही देखते रहना मुझे
तुम्हारी आँखें आसमानी हैं
ये मुझे आकाश में उड़ने को कहती हैं
ऐसा लगता है मेरे दिल को तुमने भाप बना के उड़ा दिया है
वो ऊपर ही ऊपर उड़ता जाता ही
मेरे पास रहना ही नहीं चाह्ता
पर मुझे पता है
तुम जब चाहो मुझे देखोगे और मेरा दिल सिमट आएगा तुम्हारे पास
तुम्हारी आँखें मेरी धूरी हैं
चाहे जहाँ भी जाऊं मैं , केंद्र तुम ही रहोगे
----------14th Sept 1998-----------------------
Whats there so far away?
I want to touch it
I want to know what it is..
Thats what will take me away..from all the chains of this world
From the durdgery of the days
I lack the knowledge, I am thirsty for something
Is it my own soul..as naked as it was born
Untouched by the lies and deceit...
Or Is that you, shining so bright...in the abyss of my mind?
-------4th Feb 1999----------------------------------
मुझे क्यों मन करता है
तुम्हें अपने बचपन में ले जाना
जब मैं गुडियों से खेलती थी
जब मुझे रोज सपने आते थे
सपने जिनका कोई मायने नहीं होता था
सपने जो मुझे तब छू के जाते थे, जब मैं अपने घर की सीढियों पे बैठती थी
अपने आँगन के चबूतरे पे होती थी
वो सपने जिन्हें मैं खोना नहीं चाहती
मुझे क्यों मन करता है..
अपने हर दर्द को तुम्हें सुनाने का
वो दर्द जो कब के सो गए
वो दर्द जो शायद कभी थे ही नहीं.तुम्हें देखकर मेरे अन्दर वेग से उठते हैं
क्या तुम्हें पता है... मेरे दिल में एक नस है
जो धड़कती है..किसी आहट पे..किसी आवाज पे...किसी महक पे
तुम शायद उन सपनों, उस दर्द को नहीं छू सकते
पर फिर भी ...क्यों दिल करता है तुम्हें सब बताने का?